Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The News is So Gross This Week OF COURSE We Got Sexy Handmaid Costumes. Of COURSE We Did.
Well, I’m blasted out of my mind on allergy meds again, Shower Captives, so I can’t strictly vouch for my accuracy tonight. If I write a paragraph about Mazie Hirono riding a griffin to Capitol Hill and letting it eat Orrin Hatch…just double-check my work, is all I’m saying.
Before we go any further, we need to get the mushroom thing out of the way. I know we all wish it didn’t happen, but it did. Look, I’ve never been on the “Female Ghostbusters ruined my childhood” or “A black stormtrooper ruined my childhood” train, because that train is a dumbfuck train.
But Stormy Daniels, YOU RUINED MY CHILDHOOD! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PLAY THE SAND LEVELS IN SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 2 NOW? THE LITTLE BOING NOISE TOAD MAKES WHEN HE JUMPS WILL SEEM SO GROSS AND SINISTER!
(Dry heaves for a bit) Anyway. Moving on.
The Big Dumb Trade War escalated again, with Strawberry Shartcake levying tariffs on an additional $200 billion in Chinese goods, and China retaliating. The President wants YOU to do your part, but he doesn’t need to worry, because YOU DON’T HAVE ANY CHOICE, since prices are going up on all kinds of shit you use, whether you like it or not!
Don’t worry though, Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, the kind of dude who periodically loses track of how many mansions he owns, says you’ll barely notice the gouging! And if there’s anyone alive with his fingers on the pulse of the working class, surely it’s a doddering money-launderer.
Ted Cruz, faced with the admittedly-Herculean task of Getting Re-elected Despite Being Ted Cruz, suggested his opponent (some guy named Beto, you probably haven’t heard of him) would make BBQ illegal if he won. The only remaining question is, when Cruz and Mike Huckabee launch their comedy tour, how will they decide who headlines?
(Let me just say, if Democrats ever DID try to ban BBQ, I’d switch parties before the grill could heat up. I mean, I’m all for equality and progressive taxation and protecting the environment and gun control and health care and all that stuff, but if you start messin’ with the really important shit…I’m from Kansas City, y’know.)
Easily the simplest part of the whole POTUS gig is the “Consoler-in-Chief” role. When something shitty happens, just pop up, demonstrate a little empathy, say something kind and hopeful. Admittedly, it’s probably a lot harder for a sociopath, as we’ve already seen.
So when Tangerine Idi Amin went down to the Carolinas to visit areas damaged by Hurricane Florence, he congratulated one resident on the sweet-ass boat that crashed into his house, and then he asked if his golf course was ok. I think he thinks he was being all wily and subtle about the golf course thing, too. Sigh.
He also evaluated the hurricane’s…wetness. It was super fuckin’ wet, according to America’s first meteorologist President.
And President Crotchvoid happily proclaimed, for all the world to hear, that he based his recent decision to declassify shit he has no business declassifying because three Fux Nooz hosts without half a brain between them, Hannity, Dobbs, and Pirro, told him to. Lord. The Three Stooges of Malice. We’d be safer if he was getting advice from a strip-mall fortune teller, a Magic 8 Ball, and a Teddy Ruxpin doll.
Then again, will we ever be truly safe from a drooling man-child who thinks somebody should build a wall across the entire fucking Sahara Desert? Who’s gonna pay for THAT, genius? Jawas? Sand People?
Elaine Chao is the latest Cabinet goon to get caught burning through fat stacks of taxpayer money on expensive travel, because the spirit of Pruittism is alive and well on Team Treasonweasel. I’m starting to understand why Republicans are always advocating for massive cuts to safety net programs; they’re worried all that spending on hungry children and sick people might cut into their travel budget.
The President and his Attorney General (if such a thing truly does indeed even exist) are fighting again, and I for one appreciate the way that whenever this shit happens, ol’ Jefferson Beauregard always goes out of his way to remind you he’s a racist, lying, sack of human garbage utterly undeserving of any sympathy whatsoever.
There ain’t no good guy. There ain’t no bad guy. There’s only Jeff and Don and they’re just two of the biggest, smelliest, assholes in human history.
President Andrzej Duda of Poland, angling for an American military base, casually suggested, “Hey, why don’t we call it something like, I dunno, Fort Trump, maybe?” and Orange Julius Caesar practically shat himself in glee at the thought, because when a cripplingly insecure narcissist runs the most powerful nation on Earth, diplomacy-by-ego-fluffing is a valid tactic. I think it’s maybe a little depressing that the Internationally-Known Playbook for Manipulating the American President fits on one notecard, but then again, I am a cuck.
So, because everything is disgusting nowadays, I guess tonight’s blog needs a whole “Conservative Pedophiles” subsection, because there are so many different stories about conservative pedophiles. You can go fetch a barf bag real quick, I’ll wait.
Ralph Shortey, a former “family values” Republican state senator, was sentenced to 15 years for child sex trafficking. Hey look, here’s a picture of him and his chum, Donald Trump, Jr. Yeah, he was the campaign’s Oklahoma state chair, just one more example of criminals drifting into the Trump family’s orbit. Coincidence, I’m sure.
And the “free speech activist” who’s been pushing for the right to distribute plans for 3-D printed murder weapons you can assemble in the comfort of your own home is on the lam, allegedly in Taiwan, for sexually assaulting a child. Why yes, he’s a big Ted Cruz donor, why do you ask?
Oh, and there’s also a Roy Moore story coming later, but I’ve decided to put that in the Kavanaugh section, instead of the GOPedo section, so go ahead and take a break from your projectile vomiting.
Freedom isn’t free, and neither, it turns out, is keeping little kids in cages. But don’t worry, the white nationalist assclowns running your government will find the money somewhere, even if they have to raid Head Start and the National Cancer Institute! That’s right, friends…locking children up is more important than curing cancer to these abominable people. Betcha Stephen Miller isn’t diverting any funds from cure-for-baldness research, though.
Hey, National Rifle Association, are you sitting down? Cuz I’ve got some really terrible news. Your tests came back, and you have cancer…of the wallet! Membership dues are down, and you’re bleeding money…almost as if you’d been shot by a marauding lunatic. I guess America is finally tired of you murder-shilling rat-bastards. And if you think this news is bad, wait ’till you see the electoral drubbing your stooges take in the midterms.
Ron DeSantis, bless his heart, insists he isn’t racist. He just says racist shit, takes money from dudes who say even more racist shit, runs racist Facebook pages, and speaks at racist conventions. Me, I think he’s really monkeying up his chances this November. Yup yup. “Monkey up” is still a super-common colloquialism that folks use all the time. Yup.
And of course the Kavanaugh confirmation debacle continues to churn stomachs from coast to coast. Republicans squirmed for a bit, but they figured that the one-two whammy of imposing a ridiculous artificial deadline and refusing to allow an FBI investigation into the accusations would frighten Christine Blasey Ford into silence, and they’d get away with everything with NO COMEUPPANCE.
Yes, the Withered, Chalk-White, Hate Raisins on the GOP side of the Senate Judiciary Committee seem to have settled on a strategy of You Have One Week to Present Yourself to be Grilled by Powerful Professional Rhetoricians Who Will Do Everything They Can to Destroy You, or it Doesn’t Count Anyhow in the Meantime Enjoy the Death Threats.
Didn’t take ‘em long to get weirdly cocky about the whole thing, actually. South Carolina CongressJag Ralph Norman told a super-hilarious sexual assault gag he’d been saving up for just such an occasion, perhaps auditioning for spot on the Cruz/Huckabee comedy tour. One of Chuck Grassley’s staffers took what might generously be referred to as an “unseemly victory lap” before locking his social media accounts. A handful of truly choice scuzzbuckets are even pushing some magnificently ill-conceived conspiracy theories about, I kid you not, a Brett Kavanaugh lookalike.
And in the middle of it all, there’s Roy Moore, urging his colleagues to dig in and fight back! With Alabama’s leading serial child molester waving the flag, how can they fail?
Anyhow, Ford has now said she’ll testify next week, under certain conditions and not on Monday, so the GOP is back in freak-out mode. They’re frantically searching for a way to get a woman in the room to conduct the questioning, thus avoiding the spectacle of 11 ancient white dudes attacking a victim. Putting a woman on Judiciary in the first place does not seem to have been an option that occurred to them at any point.
Meanwhile, Littlefinger is all proud of himself for not assaulting Kavanaugh’s accuser like some common Gold Star family, and let’s pause to appreciate what it means to live in a time when “Hey, the President didn’t behave like a raging bag of dicks for once” is headline news.
French MegaBigot Marine Le Pen has been court-ordered to undergo psychiatric testing, and shit, kids…if we could arrange some sort of Freaky Friday scenario where we trade legal systems with France, just for like, a few days…that’d be SPECTACULAR.
You may be wondering what our ol’ chum Michael Cohen has been up to since confessing to multiple felonies. Is he saying farewell to old friends before his sentencing? Taking up new hobbies he can enjoy behind bars that won’t require anyone to smuggle contraband up their ass? Eating raw cookie dough while binging American Dad?
Well, it turns out the Sensei of Sez-Hoo has been spending a whole lotta time with his special new friend…Rugged Robert Mueller. They’ve mostly just been talking about boys and clothes, but also about Russia and collusion and pardons and obstruction of justice and stuff.
Mikey’s even talking with New York state authorities about his former boss’s fake charity scam. Wow, you make all KINDS of new friends when you confess to a lifetime of crime!
Lordy. So much bat guano hurled at me today, I went through three sets of windshield wipers. And then, yeah, I found the sexxxy handmaid costumes. Throwin’ in the towel for the night, Resisters. Going to bed. Wearing a helmet.