Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
The U.S. Senate Presents: Shitty Dinner Theatre! Starring Brett Kavanaugh!
Hey folks, I tried to take it a bit easy over the long holiday weekend, but of course the news continued to churn in the background, like some sort of evil alternate universe precariously contained in a snow globe on my writing desk. But I did enjoy some beers and some steaks.
It’s almost kinda cute watching the various mini-Trumps of the GOP feebly attempt his schtick. Rod Blum, incumbent in the Iowa first, summoned all his might to attack the filthy Lügenpresse when a journalist…asked him a question. (Gasp!) While Blum required several days in the ICU, he is expected to make a full recovery.
Speaking of mini-Trumps, awwwwwww!!!! Young KKKris KKKobach has a grand jury investigation of his very own! THEY GROW UP SO FAST!!! Anyway, have fun with everybody pokin’ through your vote-suppressing drawers, you cheap Nazi fuck.
Paul Manafort’s daughter is so ashamed of her dirtbag traitor felon dad that she’s changing her name, which is like a double-schadenfreude brownie with mint frosting and gofuckyourself chips. They should print out that article, and paper the walls of Paulie’s fuckin’ cell with it.
I’m sure you’ve seen the pics of fuckin’ Melania, pretending to garden in high heels. Like, is this the First Lady of the United States, or an unused concept for a Duran Duran video from 1983?
Now it seems Omarosa may have recorded nearly every conversation she had with Weehands McDick in the fucking White House? Good gravy. Y’all, if this cut-rate attention whore can pull that off, IMAGINE what an all-you-can-eat buffet this gaggle of incompetent assclowns is for foreign intelligence services. It’s safe to assume the Russians have the nuclear codes by now. Fuck, they’ve got the formula for Coca-Cola. Maybe even Colonel Sanders’ secret recipe.
And I guess the Shart House is hiding behind executive privilege to suppress thousands of pages of documents on Brett Kavanaugh. I dunno. Me, I like surprises. When he rules that it’s totes constitutional to replace K-12 schooling with Just Watching Fox News All Day, it’ll be a real fun twist.
Oh, didja see the thing where President Crotchrot attacked Attorney General Sessions for refusing to squash the prosecutions of a couple of criminals because they happen to be “popular” members of The Party?
Anybody else remember when news like that would’ve ground the entire world to a halt? Now it’s all, “Oh, the American President doesn’t like that there are laws, I guess. That seems less than ideal.”
Y’all, they would’ve impeached Obama SO HARD if he’d said that shit. They’d have impeached him if there was a RUMOR he said it. They’d have impeached him if he read a book where a character said it. They’d have impeached Michelle and Sasha and Malia and Bo and Joe Biden and Luther the Anger Translator.
Not only will Shart Garfunkel face no consequences whatsoever for demanding that his gang of thugs be allowed to flaunt the law, but his invertebrate enablers in the institutional GOP are sending warmer and warmer signals that if he feels like kickin’ it dictator-style, firing the AG and the Special Counsel, and more or less incinerating the rule of law in America once and for all, they’re 31 flavors of cool with it.
Anyway, as I’ve mentioned, my fallback plan used to be teaching, but lately I’ve been thinking of joining the Republican Party, holding up a few banks, and then just waiting for my pardon.
So I guess the New Yorker invited Steve Bannon to some big fancy shindig, and everybody got mad because they were worried that the secretions from his facial sores would drip in the punch, and they went, “Look. I don’t party with white supremacist losers, no matter how obtuse your cartoons are,” so Darth Wino got un-invited and now he’s free to make balloon animals at your daughter’s cotillion that night.
Insomuch as this silly little blog can be said to have a “mission statement,” it’s right up there at the top: Chronicling the Insanity of the Trump Era Because Future Generations Are Gonna Think We Made All This Shit Up.
In the spirit of this holy mission, I want to reassure whatever yet-unborn historian or high school student or alien anthropologist picking through our civilization’s remains that may be reading this in the far-off future that what I am about to tell you is totally fucking real.
You probably already know our culture was struggling with virulent bigotry at this point in American history. What may surprise you is that some folks were so deranged with racist hate that they would not only destroy their own property, but post recordings of the destruction on the information superhighway (or “internet”) to impress other racists.
You see, there’s this one black man they hate with the passion of a thousand suns (Why? Oh, he engaged in an act of peaceful protest. Don’t ask.), and he’s in this ad campaign, and so yeah, they’re setting their shoes on fire. And shorts and socks. I think they’re taking them off first, but I can’t vouch for that with any confidence.
People are fuckin’ weird, is what I’m sayin’.
I see former Senator John Kyl will be filling the remainder of John McCain’s term. I confess, I’ve been caught flat-footed by this one. I have no John Kyl jokes. Is John Kyl funny? Ummmm…now many John Kyls does it take to screw in a light bulb? …shit, I got nothin’. LOOK OVER THERE, IT’S MARY ELIZABETH MASTRANTONIO!
Some excerpts from Bob Woodward’s forthcoming behind-the-scenes peak at the Drumpf White House, titled “Nitwit” or “Shit-fer-Brains” or something, prompted a wave of denials from high-ranking officials.
“Rumors that I whacked the President across the nose with a rolled-up newspaper when he suggested assassinating Bashar al-Assad are exaggerated,” said Defense Secretary Mattis through a spokesman, “the newspaper was exclusively a short-term potty-training tool, and a damned effective one if I do say so.”
“No habla inglés,” said Sean Spicer, from behind the bushes in his front yard.
Rugged Robert Mueller has indicated that he’s willing to accept some written answers from Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops on certain topics in his Russia probe. Hope he’s also willing to accept them in Rudy Giuliani’s handwriting.
I guess I’m supposed to gripe about the all the bullshit Senate Republicans belched up in the Kavanaugh confirmation hearing today. I suppose I could parse every act of hypocrisy, great and small. I could scream MERRICK GARLAND until my throat bleeds.
I confess I didn’t watch. I did see some clips, and I’m happy with the fight I saw from our Dems. Good, scrappy, shit.
In the end, the whole thing’s for show, and all the indignant GOP speechifyin’ boils down to “We have the power to do this thing, and we’re going to do it as quickly as possible, because we all know the wheels could come off this fucker any minute.”
At least Kavanaugh showed his true colors for all the world to see, giving the sub-zero shoulder to the grieving father of a Parkland victim. Him n’ Neil Gorsuch are gonna carve out out a nice little We Hate People Caucus on the bench. On the weekends they’ll smoke cigars, drink brandy, and wander down to the charity wards to watch the poor folks die from treatable diseases.
Folks, I don’t blame you if you’re mad about this shit. Brett’s a real prick, and he’ll do real harm. Is there still a chance to stop his confirmation? I suppose, but it depends on Republican senators magically not behaving like Republican senators. From where I’m sitting, the best thing we can do is make sure he’s the last lunatic right-winger ever to get nominated.
Take back Congress in 2018. If we really bust out asses, we can even take back the Senate, and Fat Q*Bert’s judge-appointin’ days will end. Oh, and I just happen to have an amusing-yet-informative resource to help you do your part, aren’t you lucky?
Take the White House back in 2020. Then, unlike last time, don’t ease up. Don’t assume, “Obama’s got this, I can relax.” That elevated level of activism you’ve seen in yourself and your friends over the last year and a half? Maintain it. For the rest of your life. So we don’t get blown out in the midterms. So we don’t lose juuuuust enough votes to the useless goddamn Green Party to prevent winning that third consecutive term.
What I’m saying is, hold on to power until you get to nominate Clarence Thomas’ successor, and then Gorsuch and Kavanaugh get to spend their golden years seething ineffectually in the minority.
It’ll take awhile. It’ll be a life’s work, actually. But it’s worth it…you down? Cuz I’m down.
Anyhow, like I said, I’ve been focused on other stuff of late, so I probably missed a story or two. Sue me. I hear Ty Cobb is available