It's ok, it's just our idiot President doing long-term damage to the American economy because he thinks trade is basically arm wrestling. https://t.co/MJ62Rb5XZ9
Say goodbye to your crowds, Bernie. https://t.co/mIlgikWMrB
. @BetoORourke ends his trip to Penn State with another “We Are” chant and a promise to return https://t.co/nKkQ6nrjVR
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
American Madness Journal
A Child’s Treasury of Petty, Stupid, Men Doing Petty, Stupid, Things, Starring Devin Nunes’ Mom
If there's a limit to my personal capacity to process madness, I'm gonna hit it this week, friends. After St. Patrick's Day in Chicago and three hours of the Bermuda Triangle on Acid known as Amazon customer service, I'm feeling about as mentally sound as a Lovecraft...
read more
HOT TAKE: The President Should Condemn White Supremacist Terrorism, Not Inspire It
Goddammit, I hate doing the blog on days like this. Y'know, we took so much for granted for so long, we assumed so much progress was permanent...we took our eyes off the ball, and now we live in this cesspool of ascendant hate, and people are fucking dying. What do...
read more
Tucker Carlson and Other Assorted Bigots, by Cap & the Dominos
Y'know, things were actually pretty calm in Washington over the weekend. We might have even enjoyed an uncharacteristically normal news cycle or two, had not the maniacs in the conservative media stepped up to fill the void. There's always one more meth-addled clown...
read more
I Wonder Who Spends More Time in Jail, Paul Manafort, or the Children in Kirstjen Nielsen’s Concentration Camps?
I think I've figured it out, folks. We're all trapped in the pilot episode for the new Twilight Zone reboot. In like, some kind of alien zoo or too-much-candy-before-bedtime nightmare or something. Any minute now, the credits will roll, and things will go back normal....
read more
If Roger Stone Wants to Go to Jail So Badly, I Say Let Him, and Other News
Aw, thanks for all the birthday wishes, Shower Captives. I may be getting surly in my old age, or maybe it's just the news, assaulting me like a tennis ball machine lobbing ball-peen hammers directly at my temple. Let's wade through it and find out...The President of...
read more
Cohen Confesses and Gaetz Gets Gelded While the Second Summit Super Sucks: A Roundup
Yeah, I'm a little late this week. Your Friendly Neighborhood Shower Cap turned 40 a couple days back, so frankly, it's a miracle I sobered up long enough to even find my computer. Oh hell, and it's a long one tonight. Expect typos, is what I'm telling you. Bad news...
read more
Trump, Kraft, Acosta…We Are Overrun by Monsters. Here are Some Jokes, I Guess.
Friends, I remain delighted and grateful that anybody ever stops by this page to read my silly little poo jokes, so thank you for being here. On my end, the blog functions partially as a coping mechanism, helping me channel the darker emotions that inevitably surface...
read more
Three of the Biggest Political Scandals of my Lifetime, & I’m Putting “Jussie Smollett” in my Title to Get Clicks
Yeah, this is all clearly one giant practical joke y’all are pulling on me. You're pumping nitrous oxide into my apartment and hacking my tablet to redirect my news searches to Lewis Carroll's unpublished archives, aren't you? Shit cannot possibly be this cray in real...
read more
Happy Presidents Day, You Say? Nah, I Believe Putin…Owns the Current Guy.
I confess it's hard to enjoy this holiday when it feels like we're all trapped in a bad 80's movie titled “President's Day,” directed by Stanley Kubrick from a National Lampoon script, starring Rodney Dangerfield as a rogue artificial intelligence that gains supreme...
read more
The President is Too Dumb to Figure Out How Umbrellas Work, and We’re Just Now Declaring a National Emergency? Cool.
You may recall in Monday night's blog, I commented that the news had been a bit on the slow side. The Gods apparently heard me, and decided to teach me a little lesson. Ah, hubris! Anyway, I wore out three different keyboards writing up tonight's post...let's dive in...
read more
While Wee Don Whines About Work, Amy, Liz, and Beto Take Turns Whoopin’ His Ass
The news has been a little slow these past few days, so, like, less a devastating migraine that totally immobilizes you, more a single throbbing pinprick, directly behind your eye, driving you to the brink of madness. A relaxing change, don'tcha think? So, lots of...
read more
The Week That Was, From SotU to Cindy McCain: White Savior!
Y'know what? I'm calling bullshit at this point. I'm plugged into the Matrix, and the bug robots are feeding me nothing but Mountain Dew and acid. None of this shit can possibly be real…can it?There are apparently no white dudes anywhere in Virginia that didn't spend...
read more
Executive Time Bandits, Moonwalking Morons, and Ronny Jackson is Back Because of Course He Is.
Wow, what a weekend, right? We had a big fancy football game, and kicked off a new nuclear arms race! Maroon 5 was there, which I’m pretty sure was mentioned somewhere in the Book of Revelation. Anyhow, read my blog before the world ends, is what I'm saying.I hate to...
read more
Measles is Back and the Government is Secretly Shipping Toxic Waste, But at Least We Can All Laugh at Howard Schultz
Trapped inside due to the bitter cold, with nothing but the news to pass the time, I assure you I have gone quite mad. It's like The Shining, only less fun and more racist. Let's plow through it, so we can all get to the weekend... So, this week, the President of the...
read more
From Howard Schultz to Roger Stone, Good Gravy Today’s News Was Dumb
Well, the government is all nice and reopened, and it looks like smooth sailing from here on out! Why, I bet everything calms down now, and we can go right back to the good ol’ days, when things were so normal and quiet, you didn't even pay attention to the news most...
read more
Sign Up for Nancy Pelosi’s New Seminar: How to Make the American President Your Own Personal Property in Five Easy Steps
Mad with laughter and completely fucked up on pure, uncut, schadenfreude, it's a miracle I managed to get a post up tonight. Seriously, I've been cackling so hard it's difficult to type. Watching a wannabe dictator shipwreck on the shores of his own petulance turns...
read more
Moved by the Spirit of MLK Day, President Trump Finally Embraces Love, Equality and HA HA JUST KIDDING THIS IS HELL
Well, with the long weekend, there was significantly less madness than unusual, so perhaps HA HA HA JUST KIDDING WE LIVE IN HELL AND IT NEVER EVER STOPS. So why not grab a machete and hack through these weeds with me?You'll be pleased to learn that our President, who...
read more
Placid Pelosi Plucks Petulant President’s Pulpit…Perfection!
Folks, at this point, I'd really love it if a bunch of orderlies burst through the door, tied me to a hospital bed, and administered shock therapy, because that might mean that I'm locked up in an asylum in a bad 50's movie, and that none of this is really happening....
read more
The Bonespur Butthead Bigot’s Burger Blunder, and Other Bnews
Well folks, I keep on pinching myself, and I can't seem to wake up, so I am resigned to the conclusion that all this shit is indeed happening in real life. And people wonder why I drink. Well, let's dive in...Just to get the boring shit out of the way up front, Forbes...
read more
“Suddenly Steve King,” From the Smash Musical, LITTLE SHOP OF BIGOTS
Hello Shower Captives! There's been a little bit too much real life to deal with today, and I'm unable to get the usual Monday blog up, but I'll catch you up tomorrow. To tide you over, here's a little reimagining of a Broadway classic for you:REPUBLICANS:Furrow...
read more
A Child’s Treasury of Petty, Stupid, Men Doing Petty, Stupid, Things, Starring Devin Nunes’ Mom
If there's a limit to my personal capacity to process madness, I'm gonna hit it this week, friends. After St. Patrick's Day in Chicago and three hours of the Bermuda Triangle on Acid known as Amazon customer service, I'm feeling about as mentally sound as a Lovecraft...
read more
HOT TAKE: The President Should Condemn White Supremacist Terrorism, Not Inspire It
Goddammit, I hate doing the blog on days like this. Y'know, we took so much for granted for so long, we assumed so much progress was permanent...we took our eyes off the ball, and now we live in this cesspool of ascendant hate, and people are fucking dying. What do...
read more
Tucker Carlson and Other Assorted Bigots, by Cap & the Dominos
Y'know, things were actually pretty calm in Washington over the weekend. We might have even enjoyed an uncharacteristically normal news cycle or two, had not the maniacs in the conservative media stepped up to fill the void. There's always one more meth-addled clown...
read more
I Wonder Who Spends More Time in Jail, Paul Manafort, or the Children in Kirstjen Nielsen’s Concentration Camps?
I think I've figured it out, folks. We're all trapped in the pilot episode for the new Twilight Zone reboot. In like, some kind of alien zoo or too-much-candy-before-bedtime nightmare or something. Any minute now, the credits will roll, and things will go back normal....
read more
If Roger Stone Wants to Go to Jail So Badly, I Say Let Him, and Other News
Aw, thanks for all the birthday wishes, Shower Captives. I may be getting surly in my old age, or maybe it's just the news, assaulting me like a tennis ball machine lobbing ball-peen hammers directly at my temple. Let's wade through it and find out...The President of...
read more
It's ok, it's just our idiot President doing long-term damage to the American economy because he thinks trade is basically arm wrestling. https://t.co/MJ62Rb5XZ9
Say goodbye to your crowds, Bernie. https://t.co/mIlgikWMrB
. @BetoORourke ends his trip to Penn State with another “We Are” chant and a promise to return https://t.co/nKkQ6nrjVR
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.