NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
American Madness Journal
The One With Brett Kavanaugh’s Junk
So, I enjoyed a much-needed weekend away from the headlines, partaking of good music and good company at this year's Riot Fest. Regrettably, I did not take any drugs while I was there, so I'm forced to conclude all this news I'm catching up on today is tragically...
read more
You Know Things’re Bad When John Bolton Gets Fired, and You Don’t Even Have Time to Celebrate
Y'know, in the future, when we've finally removed President Crotchvoid from office, I imagine newspapers will just SMELL better, don't you? Without all the incessant malice and blundering and hate? We've gotta put up with it for a little while longer, I suppose, so...
read more
Wilbur Ross Earned His Junior Dictator Decoder Ring This Week
I'm increasingly convinced none of this is really happening. At some point in the fall of 2016, I took a boat trip that I no longer recollect, during which I was swallowed by a whale, a whale which then swallowed a second boat, packed with hallucinogenic drugs, and...
read more
A Portion of the Proceeds From Tonight’s Blog Will Go to Victims of Hurricane-Ravaged Alabama
Hey hey, Shower Captives! Wouldja believe this humble Resistance With Poo Jokes blog celebrated its second birthday just yesterday? If you promise to stick around for my terrible twos, I promise to make them filthier than ever, starting with this week's...
read more
Neither Hurricane Nor Mass Murder Nor Dumbass Trade War Shall Pry This President From His Golf Course
Well, it's a three day weekend, so there's only as much scandal as 7 years worth of the Obama presidency this time ‘round. It was actually the Tan Suitiversary a few days back, and by God, if we could survive that, we'll get through this whole “fascist criminal...
read more
SOS! Trapped in Category 5 Shitstorm! Please Send Nukes!
My most irrational fear lately is that there somehow won’t be enough news to justify updating this blog every few days. All of my other fears, like, say, “I sure hope the President of the United States doesn't call for civil war on Twitter if he loses in 2020,”...
read more
I Hereby Order You to Look at Just How Thirsty for That Canada Dry Melania Is
Once upon a time, they laughed at Warren Harding for pitching a “return to normalcy” but motherFUCK I would give my left arm, my eye teeth, a kidney, and half my comic book collection* for some goddamn normalcy right now. I want to sprinkle normalcy on my...
read more
Oh, He’s Developing a Messiah Complex & Questioning Jews’ Loyalty? I’m Sure This Ends Well.
Well, the Amazon is burning and fertility doctors are secretly replacing Folgers Crystals with their own spooj, so it looks like my nightly prayer for just one normal, batshit-free, news cycle has gone unanswered once again. Well, let's dive in. The “feud”...
read more
How Many White Supremacist Terrorists Does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb, and Other Hilarious Jokes
Jane, I have asked, repeatedly, to be let off this crazy thing. This whole The West Wing, Only Stupid and Awful gimmick has more than run its course, and I'd very much like to watch something else now. All I want is to change the channel, but I can't find the fucking...
read more
Mercator Map Leads Doltish Dotard to Fatuous Fantasy of Greenland Grab
I miss the old, light, mostly-boring news. Reading the paper today is like strolling down to the local dinner theatre, expecting a pleasantly innocuous evening of Neil Simon, only to find an antagonistically artsy local troupe has barricaded the doors and intends to...
read more
Clue: Jeffrey Epstein Edition is Gonna be a Huge Seller This Xmas
I'm a little under the weather today, my friends, and let me just say that adding drowsiness-inducing cough syrup to the day's news consumption hasn't exactly been soothing. Just skip any paragraphs about pink elephants, okay? I missed this one last week, but it...
read more
You Can Lead a Sociopath to a Hospital, But You Can’t Make Him Human
Well, another day strapped in the Clockwork Orange chair we call the news cycle. Sometimes, I entertain the fantasy that I'm hallucinating all this, amusing you readers with my absolutely batshit delusions, but I figure if this actually was all just a bad trip, I...
read more
I’ll Tell You What I Want, What I Really, Really, Want: FUCKING GUN CONTROL
A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, committed mass murder on Saturday, so there aren't going to be any jokes tonight.A white supremacist terrorist, incited by the incessant hate of President Donald Trump, killed 22...
read more
McConnell Mightily Miffed at “Moscow Mitch” Moniker, and Mother Mnews
How are you tonight, friends? Me, I'm good; the orderlies loosened the straightjacket an hour ago, and this InfoWars gag real is surprisingly amusing. Wait, what? It's CNN? Live? Oh fucking hell. Well, let's get on with the roundup. I think I'm gonna just cut and...
read more
Shitty Orwell Theatre Presents: We Have Always Been at War with Baltimore, and Other Tales
I don't know why I do this, y’all. Every damn day is the same, reading the news is like biting into a donut, hoping for raspberry filling, only to wind up with a mouthful of cat litter and broken glass. Oh well, I've built up some calluses on the roof of my mouth by...
read more
Chuck Todd Thinks the Defense of American Democracy Needs More Cowbell, Cleavage
Yeah, things remain shitty, here in the Inception sequel where we break into David Duke's mind to...wait, what? This is real life? Fuck. You mean Rutger Hauer really died? Since his Big Stupid Trade War isn't pushing Americans into despair and poverty quick enough...
read more
Well, If Stephen Miller Says it’s Not Racist, I Guess That’s That.
So, the Trump 2020 reelection effort has just two messages at the moment: LOOK AT HOW RACIST I AM, AIN'T IT GREAT and HOW DARE THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA CALL ME RACIST. I can see how this might seem confusing, but if you take a minute to think about it, you'll remember...
read more
Infrastructure Week is Out, We’re Doing Nuremberg Rally Week Now
Gosh, what a fun week. It was like coming to a fork in the road at some sort of Milton Bradley Game of Life knockoff, and suddenly you realize one of the paths in front of you leads to White Supremacist Race War in America, and you really really really wish you'd...
read more
You May Want to Sit Down Before Reading This, But I Think the President May Be a Teeny Bit Racist
I tell ya, folks, chroniclin’ ain't easy, especially with summer shitstorm season heating up. I got UFO truthers to the west of me, meth gators to the south; here I am, stuck in the Midwest with you. Let's do this. Well, Alex Acosta is out as Labor Secretary, despite...
read more
Oh Look, a Double Shot of Gorka…Yeah, it’s Been That Kind of Week.
Y'know, I spent a long, frustrating, and ultimately futile afternoon at the DMV yesterday, and that felt like a soothing Caribbean vacation next to the goddamn news. Plus, no residual sand in any bodily crevices. Fuck it, send me back. A federal appeals court ruled...
read more
The One With Brett Kavanaugh’s Junk
So, I enjoyed a much-needed weekend away from the headlines, partaking of good music and good company at this year's Riot Fest. Regrettably, I did not take any drugs while I was there, so I'm forced to conclude all this news I'm catching up on today is tragically...
read more
You Know Things’re Bad When John Bolton Gets Fired, and You Don’t Even Have Time to Celebrate
Y'know, in the future, when we've finally removed President Crotchvoid from office, I imagine newspapers will just SMELL better, don't you? Without all the incessant malice and blundering and hate? We've gotta put up with it for a little while longer, I suppose, so...
read more
Wilbur Ross Earned His Junior Dictator Decoder Ring This Week
I'm increasingly convinced none of this is really happening. At some point in the fall of 2016, I took a boat trip that I no longer recollect, during which I was swallowed by a whale, a whale which then swallowed a second boat, packed with hallucinogenic drugs, and...
read more
A Portion of the Proceeds From Tonight’s Blog Will Go to Victims of Hurricane-Ravaged Alabama
Hey hey, Shower Captives! Wouldja believe this humble Resistance With Poo Jokes blog celebrated its second birthday just yesterday? If you promise to stick around for my terrible twos, I promise to make them filthier than ever, starting with this week's...
read more
Neither Hurricane Nor Mass Murder Nor Dumbass Trade War Shall Pry This President From His Golf Course
Well, it's a three day weekend, so there's only as much scandal as 7 years worth of the Obama presidency this time ‘round. It was actually the Tan Suitiversary a few days back, and by God, if we could survive that, we'll get through this whole “fascist criminal...
read more
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.