“So, because everything is disgusting nowadays, I guess tonight’s blog needs a whole “Conservative Pedophiles” subsection, because there are so many different stories about conservative pedophiles. You can go fetch a barf bag real quick, I’ll wait.” https://t.co/5Hy9EKF4yj
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
NEW FOR YOU:
Shower Cap’s Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms
That’s right, as the midterms approach Shower Cap has assembled a handy guide for learning more about the most crucial midterms races – the candidates, the issues, the contact info and the donate links. Get educated and jump into action. It’s never been easier than Cap has made it for you.
American Madness Journal
The News is So Gross This Week OF COURSE We Got Sexy Handmaid Costumes. Of COURSE We Did.
Well, I'm blasted out of my mind on allergy meds again, Shower Captives, so I can't strictly vouch for my accuracy tonight. If I write a paragraph about Mazie Hirono riding a griffin to Capitol Hill and letting it eat Orrin Hatch...just double-check my work, is all...
read more
Ready for the Kavanaugh Round-Up? Keep a Barf Bag Handy.
Hey there, Shower Captives, I'm back from a much-needed weekend of re-charging and relaxation, courtesy of Riot Fest Chicago. I tried to go cold turkey, but I confess I kept checking the news until my battery died and I was forced to just, y'know...live in the moment...
read more
Congratulations to the Victims of Hurricane Maria, You’ve Been Upgraded from “Tragically, Senselessly Killed” to “Non-Existent”
Reading the news in the morning is like getting shaken awake by carnies, who proceed to shove you against your will into the human cannonball, then blast you face-first into a septic tank. Over and over. Every damn day. It wouldn't be so bad if they'd let you have a...
read more
Say What You Will About Trump, You’d Have to be a MASSIVE Jagoff to Screw Up a 9/11 Memorial…Oh, Right.
Oh, the news, the news. I'll say this: if you wagered President Gas Station Urinal Cake would navigate September 11th without making an ass of himself and humiliating the entire country, you fucking well deserved to lose your money. A lot of things are, frankly, just...
read more
The News: A Bunch of Shitheads Did a Bunch of Shitty Things, But BARACK’S BACK, BABY!
Goddammit, it was a short week! How was there still so much fuckery?!?! What if I wanted a nice, uninterrupted, stretch of time to unwind and devote my mental energies to something pleasant for a change? What if I wanted to watch The Wire? What if I wanted to finally...
read more
The U.S. Senate Presents: Shitty Dinner Theatre! Starring Brett Kavanaugh!
Hey folks, I tried to take it a bit easy over the long holiday weekend, but of course the news continued to churn in the background, like some sort of evil alternate universe precariously contained in a snow globe on my writing desk. But I did enjoy some beers and...
read more
LET’S MONKEY UP THIS BLOG BECAUSE “MONKEY UP” IS SOMETHING HEP PEOPLE SAY ALL THE TIME!!!!
Look, through all the insanity of the last few years, I've done my best to stay positive, but I have to confess, my friends...I'm worried. Though I'm not a superstitious man, it's hard to see the blinding horror of Theresa May dancing as anything other than a sign of...
read more
Petulant Pissant President Proves Pusillanimous, Poops Pants
Today, the biggest news story in the world revolved around whether or not the President of the United States could be forced to act like an adult. As I have stated on many occasions, I would very much like to wake up now. And if I can't wake up, I'll settle for...
read more
Apologies for this Super-Dull Recap of the Week’s Exceptionally Boring News
Kind of a slow news week, huh? I'm honestly not sure there's enough to justify a blog tonight. Maybe we can dig something up. Um...I got some new underwear... I see protesters at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill toppled a statue of some dead loser...
read more
Trump, Rudy, Rand, Cohen, Huck…the News is Like a Box of Crayons…64 Shades of Asshole.
I'm feelin’ nostalgic tonight, Shower Captives. I'm thinking about those bygone times when you could go days, weeks even, without paying attention to the news. Those were the goddamn wonder years, weren't they? Morgan Freeman narrated ‘em, but he didn't talk all that...
read more
Why’re all these White Supremacists So…Y’know…Shitty?
I'm a little extra loopy tonight, chums. I assume that's cuz I mixed a little asbestos into my customary six-pack. Carcinogenic? Perhaps. But it's one helluva party. Just to get the shitty news out of the way early, white supremacist megagrifter KKKris KKKobach,...
read more
Would You Rather be Omarosa at a Campaign Reunion, or Stephen Miller at a Family Reuinion?
At this point, after nearly two years of being governed by this Clown Car Full of Rectums, I'm at the end of my rope, friends. I'm lookin’ at the clock every three minutes, asking, ”is it the midterms yet?” It's like Xmas times a thousand, where I'm pretty sure I'm...
read more
If These are the Best People, God Save Us From the Fourth Best
I've resigned myself to the fact that I no longer live in the real world. Somehow I fell into some mediocre novelist's vanity project, heavily influenced by Clancy, le Carré, Seuss, Birthday-Party-era Nick Cave, and far-too-readily-available cheap weed. It's not fair,...
read more
Happy Flush Alex Jones Day, Everybody!
I'm probably gonna regret saying this...I know we're nowhere near out of the woods yet, and I know things will probably get worse before they get better. Still, sifting through the usual shitstorm of madness today...is it my imagination or was there just a weeeeee bit...
read more
The News is Like, We’re in the Matrix, but like, a Horror Film Asylum Within the Matrix, Right?
Hey, before we jump in tonight, don't forget to check out Shower Cap's Action Guide for the Goddamn Midterms! Everything you need to navigate the 2018 elections, and focus your activism! It's a hoot, you'll dig it, I promise. I'm really starting to come around on...
read more
With Friends Like Rudy Giuliani, Who Needs Special Counsels?
Fucking hell, what a weekend. You saw where John Lewis was suddenly hospitalized and you were all, “2018, you motherfucker! DON'T. YOU. DARE.” But then Lewis was discharged with a clean bill of health, and Ruth Bader Ginsberg said she was planning on serving for at...
read more
Jim Jordan Really Thinks He’s Going to be Speaker of the House. He’s the Don Quixote of Douchebags.
Hey, I guess they found water on Mars? GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. My bags are packed, y’all. Rocket me the fuck off this planet before somebody does something legitimately insane, like invent mayonnaise-flavored ice cream. ...GODDAMMIT! There probably isn't any money left...
read more
Today, Jason Spencer is a Raving Maniac, Screaming Slurs While Chasing a Man with his Bare Ass. In 2024, He Will Be the Republican Nominee for President.
Anybody else holding out hope that one morning, you'll wake up in your bed back on the farm in Kansas, with Aunt Em and Uncle Henry and three farmhands who look suspiciously like Adam Schiff, Robert Mueller, and Rachel Maddow huddled around you, and maybe that night...
read more
All the Russia News You Can Shake a Stick At, and then More Russia News. Sale on Shaking Sticks in the Shower Cap Store.
Greetings, Shower Captives! It is I, Shower Cap But From the Future! I have returned from the trenches of Montenegro in 2025 to warn you of the impending Fourth World War That's Right Montenegro Actually Starts Two Different World Wars in the Next Ten Years! Anyway,...
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Look, the Prime Day Treason Special Was Too Good to Pass Up, Okay?
Hello Comrades! Tonite, fantabulous new direction for blog! We join new world order, tell poop jokes about Crooked Hillary's e-mail server and Elizabeth Pocahontas! What? Nyet, am not Russian bot, am Bath Cap! Kidding of course. But today has been batshittier than...
read more
The News is So Gross This Week OF COURSE We Got Sexy Handmaid Costumes. Of COURSE We Did.
Well, I'm blasted out of my mind on allergy meds again, Shower Captives, so I can't strictly vouch for my accuracy tonight. If I write a paragraph about Mazie Hirono riding a griffin to Capitol Hill and letting it eat Orrin Hatch...just double-check my work, is all...
read more
Ready for the Kavanaugh Round-Up? Keep a Barf Bag Handy.
Hey there, Shower Captives, I'm back from a much-needed weekend of re-charging and relaxation, courtesy of Riot Fest Chicago. I tried to go cold turkey, but I confess I kept checking the news until my battery died and I was forced to just, y'know...live in the moment...
read more
Congratulations to the Victims of Hurricane Maria, You’ve Been Upgraded from “Tragically, Senselessly Killed” to “Non-Existent”
Reading the news in the morning is like getting shaken awake by carnies, who proceed to shove you against your will into the human cannonball, then blast you face-first into a septic tank. Over and over. Every damn day. It wouldn't be so bad if they'd let you have a...
read more
Say What You Will About Trump, You’d Have to be a MASSIVE Jagoff to Screw Up a 9/11 Memorial…Oh, Right.
Oh, the news, the news. I'll say this: if you wagered President Gas Station Urinal Cake would navigate September 11th without making an ass of himself and humiliating the entire country, you fucking well deserved to lose your money. A lot of things are, frankly, just...
read more
The News: A Bunch of Shitheads Did a Bunch of Shitty Things, But BARACK’S BACK, BABY!
Goddammit, it was a short week! How was there still so much fuckery?!?! What if I wanted a nice, uninterrupted, stretch of time to unwind and devote my mental energies to something pleasant for a change? What if I wanted to watch The Wire? What if I wanted to finally...
read more
“So, because everything is disgusting nowadays, I guess tonight’s blog needs a whole “Conservative Pedophiles” subsection, because there are so many different stories about conservative pedophiles. You can go fetch a barf bag real quick, I’ll wait.” https://t.co/5Hy9EKF4yj
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.