Half ridiculous, half terrifying. https://t.co/QkLevdYnKS
@RonFilipkowski
Marge Greene says in 2022 she is going to “blow away the Democrats’ socialist agenda,” then blows up a car with “socialism” on it with a 50-caliber rifle she is auctioning off for contributions. https://t.co/b10wGwVVW2
“Carlson wants to interview Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend about his swollen testicles, hoping to convince his own audience to keep on refusing vaccination, out of fear that their own testicles might come to swell, a plan with a tragically solid chance.” https://t.co/miaWrngyVm
Marguerite vs. The Occupation Made It!
THANK YOU, dear readers, for your support with the Kickstarter Campaign. With your help we met all our stretch goals!
Marguerite vs the Occupation now heads to the printer! While you wait, check out Cap’s other comics:
American Madness Journal
Harry Potter & the Pop Star’s Cousin’s Friend’s Swollen Balls
Life in America in 2021 is like being trapped in a snow globe that somebody won’t stop shaking because they’re afraid you’ll gather your bearings enough to notice the crazed, dead stares in your idyllic Norman Rockwell neighbors’ eyes. Also, the flakes are bath...
Freedom’s Just Another Word For Gettin’ Children Killed
I’m feeling kinda nostalgic tonight, for the bland normalcy of the Before Times. Wouldn’t it be nice to post some innocuous gag about the mildly irritating annual reemergence of pumpkin spice everything, and then just go about your day, free from worry about the...
Ah, I See the Fascist Death Cult Started Rolling Back Our Rights? That’s Fun.
Longtime readers know this blog’s opening paragraph has traditionally been a needlessly verbose “stuff sure is crazy” sort of thing; it’s a gag that’s worked for me for a long time, but would anybody mind if today, I just…screamed? I need me a good, sturdy, primal...
Golly, I Sure Hope You Like Talking About Horse Dewormer
Just to rip the bandaid off right up front, we are indeed now in week three of the Won’t Take No Experimental Vaccine Pass the Horse Dewormer story, in case anybody woke up this morning hoping they’d somehow Rip Van Winkled themselves into saner times. You’re not...
Ron DeSantis’ Vile New Grift and Other Acts of Wingnut Malice
It was naive of me, but I really did believe things would be a little less crazy, and a little less stupid by now. However, here in the 297th consecutive week of the Exact Same Right Wing Pandemic Tantrum, it’s clear I was foolish to ever dream this fever could...
Mr. DeSantis Murders His Way to Washington: Capra’s Gone Dark
Has anybody given any thought to putting the good folks at Moderna or Pfizer to work on a cure for brain maggots? Cuz it turns out it’s not enough to just create a solution to the biggest public health crisis we’ve seen in decades, there’s whole ’nother step; you...
What is “Sheep Drench,” and Why Are Americans Putting It In Their Bodies? Depressing Answers Within!
Big breaking news this week, friends; my sources are telling me several mammalian orders, and perhaps even a few ambitious reptiles, will shortly be making a play for that coveted spot atop the food chain, now that humanity has proven so willing to piss on the fruits...
Just Another Super Healthy Week Spent Arguing Whether or Not Science is Real and Mob Violence is Bad
The American Right will not, dear reader, be made to eat their peas. Peas are tyranny. Sure, peas aren’t honestly that bad, and eating just a few peas could save your life, and if everybody just ate their fucking peas for a little while we could, as a nation, finally...
Et Tu, Brady?
Spent another lovely week enjoying the various side effects of the coronavirus vaccine, stuff like “not catching Covid,” “not getting hospitalized with Covid,” and “not dying from Covid.” Like millions of rational people, my satisfaction level with this product is...
Oh, Y’know, Just a Death Cult Doin’ Death Cult Stuff
Well friends, things’re more or less exactly the same as when last we met, which is to say, grease-fire-in-the-bath-salts-factory-behind-the-clown-college-level insane. So grab a raincoat and some galoshes, let’s wade through this sewage together, wheeeeeeee! As a...
Show Me on the Doll Where Critical Race Theory Touched You
I don’t know about y’all, but the first post-Turd Reich Independence Day felt pretty dang sweet to this masked drunkard. The simple absence of cheap, banana republic military spectacles was a welcome departure, for a start. Ultimately, I suppose I prefer my assholes...
I Think Kevin McCarthy is a Robot Specifically Programmed to Execute Leadership Tasks Poorly
Things’re gettin’ pretty good these days, huh? Seems Joe Biden came here to create jobs and eat ice cream, and neither appear to be in short supply. Of course, the Gulf of Mexico is literally on fire as I write this, a grim reminder that you can’t take your eyes off...
Racism, Fascism, Conspiracy Theories, and COVID-19: Not a Rerun From 2020, I Swear
So, a few nights ago, I was on my way back to the fridge for another beer when I clipped my left foot on my workout machine, really jacked the fuck out of the big toenail, and for the first time since I started this blog, the biggest problem in my life had...
Wow, a Week When Marjorie Taylor Greene Wasn’t the Absolute Worst, How Novel
You’d think folks would be delighted at all the recent normalcy n’ prosperity n’ what have you, and yet millions (MILLIONS!) continue to screech NO! I WANT THE FUCKUPS WHO RUINED THE WHOLE WORLD BACK! Because they hate the same people, you see. With a decision-making...
Now That We Are Magnetized, My Antifa Comrades, the World Will Be Ours!
Addition by subtraction is REAL, y’all. Look at how much nicer life’s become with just ONE less cabal of fascist dipshits squatting in the White House. And as we keep on sliding down the path to reducing the supply of global pandemics, 2021 looks more and more like a...
QAnon, Zyklon B, and the Rest of the Wingnut Alphabet
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The One With the Republican Party’s Hard Turn Against Democracy
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Ted Cruz’s Musings on Masculinity In the Military? Oh, My Wish Came True.
I am absolutely lovin’ vaccinated life, folks. I keep going back to the normalcy buffet for extra helpings...you’d think I’d be full to bursting by now, but it turns out I’m just insatiable for the stuff. So much nicer than 2020’s incessant shitstorm. What’s that?...
Gas-Hoarding, Protein-Shedding, and Other Uniquely American Mental Disorders
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When Liz Cheney Isn’t Shitty Enough For Your Cult, You’ve Made Some Choices
Ah, the sun is shining, flowers have begun to bloom, and even now that second sweet dose o’ Pfizer rewrites my DNA in accordance with Bill Gates’ grand plan. Were it not for the GOP’s steady, methodical march towards authoritarianism, I might’ve burst into song by...
Harry Potter & the Pop Star’s Cousin’s Friend’s Swollen Balls
Life in America in 2021 is like being trapped in a snow globe that somebody won’t stop shaking because they’re afraid you’ll gather your bearings enough to notice the crazed, dead stares in your idyllic Norman Rockwell neighbors’ eyes. Also, the flakes are bath...
Freedom’s Just Another Word For Gettin’ Children Killed
I’m feeling kinda nostalgic tonight, for the bland normalcy of the Before Times. Wouldn’t it be nice to post some innocuous gag about the mildly irritating annual reemergence of pumpkin spice everything, and then just go about your day, free from worry about the...
Ah, I See the Fascist Death Cult Started Rolling Back Our Rights? That’s Fun.
Longtime readers know this blog’s opening paragraph has traditionally been a needlessly verbose “stuff sure is crazy” sort of thing; it’s a gag that’s worked for me for a long time, but would anybody mind if today, I just…screamed? I need me a good, sturdy, primal...
Golly, I Sure Hope You Like Talking About Horse Dewormer
Just to rip the bandaid off right up front, we are indeed now in week three of the Won’t Take No Experimental Vaccine Pass the Horse Dewormer story, in case anybody woke up this morning hoping they’d somehow Rip Van Winkled themselves into saner times. You’re not...
Ron DeSantis’ Vile New Grift and Other Acts of Wingnut Malice
It was naive of me, but I really did believe things would be a little less crazy, and a little less stupid by now. However, here in the 297th consecutive week of the Exact Same Right Wing Pandemic Tantrum, it’s clear I was foolish to ever dream this fever could...
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Half ridiculous, half terrifying. https://t.co/QkLevdYnKS
@RonFilipkowski
Marge Greene says in 2022 she is going to “blow away the Democrats’ socialist agenda,” then blows up a car with “socialism” on it with a 50-caliber rifle she is auctioning off for contributions. https://t.co/b10wGwVVW2
“Carlson wants to interview Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend about his swollen testicles, hoping to convince his own audience to keep on refusing vaccination, out of fear that their own testicles might come to swell, a plan with a tragically solid chance.” https://t.co/miaWrngyVm
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
BILIOUS BILL
Attorney General
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
PRINCESS IVANKA
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
First Lady
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
THE CONCERN TROLL
Disapproving Doormat
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
THE JACKETLESS JACKASS
Hearing Disrupter
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
SUPBAR CASH BROS
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.