The difference between the Democrats AOC attacks and AOC herself is that Democrats have achieved progress for the American people while AOC hasn’t. Ever. Not once. https://t.co/n9PmIWZsCi
@ibrahimpols
. @AOC today: “ We don’t have a left party in the United States. The Democratic Party is not a left party. The Democratic Party is a center, or a center-conservative party” https://t.co/FIVjsa1Rxf
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
CAP’S VERY FIRST COMIC BOOK
KICKSTARTER IS LIVE!
But it ends in…
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American Madness Journal
Donnie Cracks While Lev Talks Smack and Flynn Backtracks as McSally Cries “Hacks!”
So I took most of the week to focus on launching my little comic book project (more on that later), and I have to say, diving back into the news cycle after a couple days off, GREAT BALLS OF PURE FUCK WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY? It’s like...
Ah, the First Shitstorm of the Year! Delightful!
Last week, I was driven right up to the edge of madness, a perfectly reasonable reaction to all the vag candle news and whatnot. If anything pushes me all the way off the cliff, it’s learning that there’re somehow folks who look around our poor, hurting, world, from...
We Almost Went to War with Iran This Week, But it’s the Gwyneth Paltrow News That’s Got Me Shook
Y’know, it’s been one of the bat-shittier weeks of the entire Shart regime, but I really thought I could handle everything and persevere with my madness-chroniclin’ duties, but then I found out about Gwyneth Paltrow’s vag-scented candle, and...that did it, folks....
Hard Times & War Crimes: News From Hell
I was looking over some old blog entries the other day, and it seems almost quaint to have written about comparatively trivial crap like, “wow, Scott Pruitt buys really expensive lotion haw haw haw” now that we’re breaking shit that won’t get fixed in my lifetime,...
War, Too? Sure, Why Not? or, America Was Fun While it Lasted!
Ah, there’s nothing like a fresh new year, is there? Change is in the air, hope is ascendant, the possibilities seem limitless...of course we all knew President Crotchrot would find a way to fuck everything up before too long, but could he truly not last three...
I’m Home Alone With the News, and Trump Hasn’t Been Cut From My Copy, Dammit
Well, Santa left me a couple cases of my favorite IPA, and a new pair of shit-kickin’ boots, so I’m all outfitted for a whole new year of resistin'. Let’s plow through one last news roundup, and march on to 2020, when we finally get rid of this treasonous fuckhead...
Let’s Make This Don & Rudy’s Last Good Xmas for a Loooooong Time
‘Twas the night before Xmas, the whole world was dreamingOf a glorious day without Trump’s endless screamingThe stockings are filled with crap meant to amuseThis rhyming shit’s too hard, let’s just do the newsWhile you read this blog, know that Hairplug Himmler keeps...
I Know Things Look Dark, Friends, But Fear Not! Jeff Flake Will Save UsHAHAHAHAHAHAHWE’REDOOMED!
Holy fuck, 2019 is finally almost over, and I just want to get across that finish line, like I’ve already run 3 marathons back-to-back, and I know I’ve got one more ahead of me, but can I at least take a quick breather, enjoy some beer and cake and presents before I...
On Oafs and Oaths, Broken Laws and Broken Jaws
So, I’ve had a super-sexxxy day, watching along as swing-district House Dems announce, one by one, their intention to vote for the articles of impeachment, and I kinda wanna travel back in time to show my teenage self how cool my life is now, but that kid already had...
Can’t Photoshop Your Way Out of Impeachment, Dotard
I’ve written Santa more than three dozen letters asking him to please please please just let me wake the fuck up, but at this point I’m once again forced to conclude that this is indeed real life. The good news, I suppose, is that the beer is also real; let’s round...
Yes, Everything is Awful, But at Least We Can All Enjoy Watching Ted Cruz Dissolve Into Nothingness
Let me just say that in this age of disinformation, I think it’s troubling that you can trust a drunken maniac in a bathrobe and a luchador mask more than an entire political party with millions of members. But, sadly, unlike the institutional GOP, I’m not making any...
The Turds of a Turd, and Other Most Unpleasant News
Well, I was hoping the turkey leftovers had gone bad, and maybe the gravy had fermented to the point where I was hallucinating all this madness, but then I remembered I had Thanksgiving at a friend’s place, so I don’t have any leftovers, meaning all this shit really...
Duncan Hunter joins Manafort, Stone, Cohen and Collins in an Exclusive Club, and Other Gnus
Hey there, Resisters. I hope you enjoyed the long holiday weekend, and that no blood was shed over the Thanksgiving table, no matter how loudly Uncle Earl read those Daily Wire posts during dessert. Anyway, I got this amazing Black Friday deal for double the madness,...
Let Us Give Thanks for All the Bad Things That’re Happening to Rudy Giuliani, and Other News
So, in my internet news-gathering travels this week, I came across that thing where apparently there are folks who like to lie, naked, ass pointed towards the sky, because they believe there are health benefits to be derived from getting sunshine on your butthole,...
Let Me Coax Poo Jokes Out of the “Impeachment Hoax” for You Folks
Greetings, fellow Agents of Soros! How are you planning on spending your globalist payoff this week? I was gonna pay down some debt, but reading the news this week, I realized I needed a beer. Or twenty. Holy fuckballs, this shit is CRAY.So, just to get the obscure,...
After a Secretive Hospital Trip, We Have to Wonder: Is God About to Impeach Donald Trump?
Lots of shit has hit lots of fans these past few years, but we’re gonna need all the windmills in Holland to handle the coming turdstorm. I’m trying to save up my energy for the weeklong impeachment buffet, so let’s plow through the appetizers, cleanse our palates...
I Can’t Believe I Stopped Laughing at Roger Stone Long Enough to Write This
Shit remains utterly, uncontrollably, cray, but I confess it’s a great deal more bearable when the good guys are on offense, chalking up wins. So let’s keep a spring in our step as we wade through the thigh-high muck this week, shall we? Well, the public impeachment...
Stephen Miller is Even Racister than we Thought, & Other News About Buttholes
Since we apparently live in a world where Russian Napoleonic reenactors stumble around drunkenly with backpacks full of human arms, nothing should really surprise us anymore, but I confess I still don't know quite how to navigate this shitstorm. Grab a...
Donald Trump, Prince of Losers, Loses Like a Loser, Because he is a Loser Who Loses.
Everybody’s workin’ for the weekend, right? Except President Crotchrot and his cronies, they’re working to stay out of jail. And also to steal as much of our tax money as possible, of course. And to destroy American democracy. The rest of us will have to make do with...
For the Life of Me, I Couldn’t Come Up With a Title Tonight; Still, Here’re More Poo Jokes About Awful People
I don’t get it; Halloween is supposed to be over, but the news is all monsters, clowns, and abject horror. Can I still get candy from strangers? Or beer, maybe? I need something to take the edge off this shit... Hey, if you ever happen to swallow some sort of...
Donnie Cracks While Lev Talks Smack and Flynn Backtracks as McSally Cries “Hacks!”
So I took most of the week to focus on launching my little comic book project (more on that later), and I have to say, diving back into the news cycle after a couple days off, GREAT BALLS OF PURE FUCK WHAT THE SHIT IS GOING ON IN THIS COUNTRY? It’s like...
Ah, the First Shitstorm of the Year! Delightful!
Last week, I was driven right up to the edge of madness, a perfectly reasonable reaction to all the vag candle news and whatnot. If anything pushes me all the way off the cliff, it’s learning that there’re somehow folks who look around our poor, hurting, world, from...
We Almost Went to War with Iran This Week, But it’s the Gwyneth Paltrow News That’s Got Me Shook
Y’know, it’s been one of the bat-shittier weeks of the entire Shart regime, but I really thought I could handle everything and persevere with my madness-chroniclin’ duties, but then I found out about Gwyneth Paltrow’s vag-scented candle, and...that did it, folks....
Hard Times & War Crimes: News From Hell
I was looking over some old blog entries the other day, and it seems almost quaint to have written about comparatively trivial crap like, “wow, Scott Pruitt buys really expensive lotion haw haw haw” now that we’re breaking shit that won’t get fixed in my lifetime,...
War, Too? Sure, Why Not? or, America Was Fun While it Lasted!
Ah, there’s nothing like a fresh new year, is there? Change is in the air, hope is ascendant, the possibilities seem limitless...of course we all knew President Crotchrot would find a way to fuck everything up before too long, but could he truly not last three...
The difference between the Democrats AOC attacks and AOC herself is that Democrats have achieved progress for the American people while AOC hasn’t. Ever. Not once. https://t.co/n9PmIWZsCi
@ibrahimpols
. @AOC today: “ We don’t have a left party in the United States. The Democratic Party is not a left party. The Democratic Party is a center, or a center-conservative party” https://t.co/FIVjsa1Rxf
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.