The Party of Crooks. That’s all. https://t.co/WPwWKfOHlp
Cohen still serving as RNC deputy finance chair despite being under criminal investigation, spokeswoman says https://t.co/f5J36PobPN https://t.co/cFpKxHYrmG
No collusion! Except for the all times you’ve found out about! And a few more! https://t.co/eBHI3ZDgSt
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
American Madness Journal
Getting Played by North Korea is Like Losing a Checkers Game to a Hedgehog
If this week's news were a political novel, I would compliment the author on the way she veered seamlessly between the high-stakes drama of malignant forces working to destroy the very foundations of the American experiment and the comic buffoonery of blithering...
read more
The Day the NRA Bullshit Well Ran Dry, & Other Fuckery From Various Fuckheads
Fuck, y’all. So much madness in the news today, it's like the Bridge on the River Kwai collapsed on top of the American Horror Story: Asylum set while Michele Bachmann was leading a tour. The Republican-led House of Representatives failed to pass the Fucking Farm...
read more
If They Had a Nobel Prize for Dog-Whistling, You’d Have it Sewn Up, Dirtbag
Hey, happy Muellerversary, everybody! It's been a whole year of our Special Counsel handing out subpoenas and indictments, keeping a certain spray-tanned grifter's sheets drenched in terror sweat. Have yourself a cupcake to celebrate. Or a beer. I'm having a beer....
read more
Ebola’s Back, Drumpf’s Trading American Foreign Policy for Chinese Cash, and Somehow Ice Cube is Mixed up in this Shit Now. Wait, WHAT?
I remember being a kid, going on camping trips...we'd gather around the fire, make s'mores and tell scary stories. Maybe the 2018 equivalent would keep the campfire, but we'd read the news to each other and drink till we passed out and had nightmares about a giant...
read more
Dipshit Diplomacy: Donnie Dotard’s Dumbfuck Doctrine
Ah, another day trapped in the crappiest fun house ever. The Skee-Ball machine is broken, the mirrors make my hands tiny and my ass huge, and somebody left the clowns in charge. Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally backed out of the Iran nuclear deal, TAKE THAT...
read more
Maybe We Should Rename “The News.” Call it “The Asshole Chronicles” or Some Shit.
Some days, when I wrap up the ol’ Poo Joke Blog, I look over the work and say “Well done, Cap. You've earned your brew tonight.” Others...I step back, look at the thirty-foot-high wall of fresh scum that's accumulated on my beautiful country over just a few short days...
read more
With Defense Attorneys Like Giuliani, Who Needs Prosecutors?
Just when you think shit can't get any crazier, enter Rudy Giuliani. Like you're making soup out of cat food, used toothbrushes, and broken glass, and you decide something's missing so you add a whole bunch of meth. Fuck it, let's get through this before I pass out....
read more
Maybe Instead of Preening “Correspondents,” We Should Have Some Fucking JOURNALISTS.
Hey there, Shower Captives! I'm in like, Day 10 of the cold I picked up while moving, and I don't even have a personal Ronny Jackson to use my illness as an excuse to hook me up with hallucinogens, so I'm mostly just cranky. ...maybe the news will cheer me up. Boy, we...
read more
Admit It. By the Time the Sun Went Down, You’d Already Forgotten About Ronny Jackson.
You know how sometimes in old westerns, towards the end, the bad guys break out a bigass crank-operated Gatling gun? The news this week is like one of those guns, only full of bat guano. Mick Mulvaney chided a group of bankers for not bribing Congress hard enough,...
read more
The News is Like Donnie Baba & the Forty Assholes Today
Well shit, folks, I got half a dozen push notifications about some fancy British lady living large on public funds squeezing out a baby, so it must be a slow fucking news day, right? Wonder if there's even anything worth blogging about... Boy, that House Republican...
read more
Oh Rudy, You’re So Fine, You’re So Fine You DEAR GOD MAN WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR TEETH?
Hey folks, let me start by apologizing in advance; I'm sure to miss a bunch of shit today. The moving truck comes tomorrow, and I can FINALLY complete the big migration to the new Cap Cave. As you can imagine, transporting all my state-of-the-art Shart-fighting...
read more
Coming This Fall From Marvel: Sean Hannity and the TAINT TEAM!
Holy hell, folks. It’s like America moved into a giant cave, filled with bats, and they're just showering layer after layer of batshit insanity down upon our weary heads. Well. Strap on your seatbelt and get ready for another installment. Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin...
read more
Welcome Back, Comey, Starring Rod Rosenstein as Horshack
Today we learned that the hand dryers in public restrooms have literally been blowing hot shit all over us for our entire lives. If there's a more perfect metaphor for life in America under Donald Trump, I shudder to imagine it. John Bolton and the Genocidal Mustache...
read more
BREAKING: Michael Cohen Claims FBI Agent Ate Slice of Junior’s Cheesecake From His Fridge During Raid
Well, I took a long weekend, and I come back to find shit's so fucked up that Lindsey Buckingham got kicked out of Fleetwood Mac? It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it? I spend a lot of time on this lil’ ol’ blog mocking the President for being a cud-brained...
read more
1001 Scott Pruitt Scandals You Must Read About Before You Die
DISCLAIMER: In the time it takes you to read this post, scholars believe as many as 11.3 new Scott Pruitt scandals will break. Proceed at your own risk. So President Dunning-Kruger Overdrive watched some idiotic, hyperbolic, fear-mongering, immigration segment on Fux...
read more
We Have Always Been at War with Eastasia…Excuse Me, I Mean “Amazon.”
In the future, those of us that survive will gather in the bars and the churches, to share the stories and show the scars we earned in the Amazon War of ‘18. “Grandad still has a hunk of cardboard packaging in his chest, from the Second Battle of Prime Day,” the...
read more
Y’all Can Have Roseanne, I’m Content Watching Laura Ingraham Get Dragged All Over the Internet
I tell ya folks, as more and more of my life gets packed up into boxes (moving soon), I have fewer and fewer distractions from the daily news horrorshow. My life is down to me, some spoons, and Donald Trump right now, and I kinda hate it. Wilbur Ross woke up just long...
read more
This New ‘Santorum Says’ Advice Column is Gonna Be LIT
Gosh, it's been almost quiet lately. Reading the news today, I've barely banged my head on the keyboard in despair and frustration enough to break the skin! Mike Pants emerged from his bunker just long enough tap his boss on the shoulder and say “Excuse me your...
read more
Congratulations, Dear Reader, on Surviving a Day in John Bolton’s America
Looking at my Facebook page, I discovered that yesterday was the 1-year anniversary of the first post in the series that would eventually become this blog. Things were kinda nutty that day, and I wrote “this is the most insane day in American politics that I have ever...
read more
“It’s My Presidency, & I’ll Congratulate Who I Want To,” and Other Hits
Days like this, I have to wonder if I'm in the Matrix, y'know? Hey, if I'm in the Matrix, and you're reading this and you control the Matrix, could I maybe get hooked to up to a less stressful environment? Like maybe Dresden during the firebombing? Since superheroes...
read more
Getting Played by North Korea is Like Losing a Checkers Game to a Hedgehog
If this week's news were a political novel, I would compliment the author on the way she veered seamlessly between the high-stakes drama of malignant forces working to destroy the very foundations of the American experiment and the comic buffoonery of blithering...
read more
The Day the NRA Bullshit Well Ran Dry, & Other Fuckery From Various Fuckheads
Fuck, y’all. So much madness in the news today, it's like the Bridge on the River Kwai collapsed on top of the American Horror Story: Asylum set while Michele Bachmann was leading a tour. The Republican-led House of Representatives failed to pass the Fucking Farm...
read more
If They Had a Nobel Prize for Dog-Whistling, You’d Have it Sewn Up, Dirtbag
Hey, happy Muellerversary, everybody! It's been a whole year of our Special Counsel handing out subpoenas and indictments, keeping a certain spray-tanned grifter's sheets drenched in terror sweat. Have yourself a cupcake to celebrate. Or a beer. I'm having a beer....
read more
Ebola’s Back, Drumpf’s Trading American Foreign Policy for Chinese Cash, and Somehow Ice Cube is Mixed up in this Shit Now. Wait, WHAT?
I remember being a kid, going on camping trips...we'd gather around the fire, make s'mores and tell scary stories. Maybe the 2018 equivalent would keep the campfire, but we'd read the news to each other and drink till we passed out and had nightmares about a giant...
read more
Dipshit Diplomacy: Donnie Dotard’s Dumbfuck Doctrine
Ah, another day trapped in the crappiest fun house ever. The Skee-Ball machine is broken, the mirrors make my hands tiny and my ass huge, and somebody left the clowns in charge. Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally backed out of the Iran nuclear deal, TAKE THAT...
read more
The Party of Crooks. That’s all. https://t.co/WPwWKfOHlp
Cohen still serving as RNC deputy finance chair despite being under criminal investigation, spokeswoman says https://t.co/f5J36PobPN https://t.co/cFpKxHYrmG
No collusion! Except for the all times you’ve found out about! And a few more! https://t.co/eBHI3ZDgSt
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.