Oh, I think there's enough fresh madness to justify a new post, don't you?
“What I’ll never forget is the sight of him, gazing out with pride upon the bounty he’d provided, like a little kid who’s just made a castle on the lawn out of the dog’s shit.”
https://t.co/OjXfqJjxG4
To every dolt screeching #BoycottGillette:
You understand the market research that goes into an ad like this? They knew they'd lose your business & didn't care. They knew they'd more than make it up for it.
Remember when y’all were so certain the Kaepernick ad would sink Nike?
Don't know if this is real, but I love it. https://t.co/2SJIAqqdMM
BREAKING: Hackers, hack into Walt Disney's Hall of Presidents attraction and reprogram some of the Presidents to make obscene gestures directed toward the Donald Trump animatronic.
(Check out Abe ;)) https://t.co/f6C5fOf7ZB
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
American Madness Journal
The Bonespur Butthead Bigot’s Burger Blunder, and Other Bnews
Well folks, I keep on pinching myself, and I can't seem to wake up, so I am resigned to the conclusion that all this shit is indeed happening in real life. And people wonder why I drink. Well, let's dive in...Just to get the boring shit out of the way up front, Forbes...
read more
“Suddenly Steve King,” From the Smash Musical, LITTLE SHOP OF BIGOTS
Hello Shower Captives! There's been a little bit too much real life to deal with today, and I'm unable to get the usual Monday blog up, but I'll catch you up tomorrow. To tide you over, here's a little reimagining of a Broadway classic for you:REPUBLICANS:Furrow...
read more
Presidential Shutdown Strategy: Walls Within Walls, Maaaaaaan
Hey hey, Shower Captives! Kind of a slow day, I almost didn't think it was worth bloggin’ about HA HA JUST KIDDING THERE WAS ACTUALLY ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT GOING ON BUT I WAS ALL, “NAH, NOT MUCH NEWS,” SEE WHAT I DID THERE?Anyway...shit be cray. Let's do this.So,...
read more
The National Emergency is the President is a Malevolent Dumbass
Hello Shower Captives, welcome to tonight's madness roundup! You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that the weekend brought many many (many) more articles on the Congresswoman Who Cried Motherfucker than on the thousands of children still detained in concentration camps...
read more
Nancy Pelosi is BACK, and I Don’t Know How You’re Gonna Build a Wall with Her Boot Up Your Ass, Donnie
Ah, the New Year! A time for fresh starts! Reinventions! Or, we could all just stay trapped in this madhouse together, and dial the shitstorm up to 11! Ha ha just kidding, you don't have a choice!Mike Pompeo flew down to Brazil to suck on authoritarian goon Jair...
read more
The Year Ends, the Primary Begins, the Wall Remains Imaginary…Happy 2019!
As we embark on the New Year, I confess I am considering a partial blog shutdown unless the United States Treasury agrees to finance a new beer fridge for my living room, and also maybe some badass flame decals for my mask. Anyhow, let's round up the madness one last...
read more
Shutdown Update: I Can’t Top Nancy’s Beaded Curtain Joke, But Here’s a Blog Anyhow
Hey hey, Shower Captives! Hope you enjoyed the holiday break. The down time was certainly appreciated, but now we're getting ready to seat a brand-spankin'-new Congress, we've got Ruth Bader Ginsburg back, and it's time to fuck some fascists’ shit up again, don'tcha...
read more
Shutdown Fever, or, The Slats in the Cradle and the Silver Spoon
Forgive me for running behind this week, Shower Captives, I was busy trying to craft anatomically-correct gingerbread MEN, the way God intended, you feminazis! Pleased to report I have perfected my recipe, so you can expect my scrumptious, patriarchy-reinforcing...
read more
Monday Roundup: Stephen Miller’s Hair and Other Lovecraftian Horrors
My friends, it is a testament to my drive and focus that this evening's blog isn't just a long series of gags about Stephen Miller's stale, crusty, easy cheese makeover, but dammit, I'm a journalist*! And I have a duty** to bring the news*** to the people****!So let's...
read more
Lordy, We’re Getting a Super-Size Portion of Madness, Is it Fucking Sweeps Week?
Sometimes people ask me, “Cap? Is shit still cray?” And that's a good question. Let me put it this way; there was a nationwide wave of bomb threats today, and by next Wednesday, you won't remember it at all. I'm actually writing this from the hospital tonight. Yes,...
read more
Cap’s Monday Roundup: Where There’s Smock, There’s…I Dunno, Firp?
Hey gang, how is everybody? Good weekend? Everyone enjoying their time trapped in Dario Argento's version of a Lewis Carroll story? If we just keep screaming, somebody's bound to find us and let us out, right?So, about four minutes after I posted my last blog, the...
read more
Flynn, Gohmert, Lewandowski, Harris, Spano? The News is Live from the Outhouse Tonight!
Friends, I know I've been telling you that shit be cray for a couple of years now, but we've suddenly found ourselves at the point in history where robots are attacking us with bear spray, and I don't think we're anywhere near the bottom of this barrel yet.Hairpiece...
read more
Assorted Zaniness and Silliness, Plus Oh Yeah, the GOP Attempts a Coup in Wisconsin
Hey there, Shower Captives! Hope you all enjoyed your weekend of pretending George H.W. Bush was some sort of historically great man just because he didn't tear-gas little kids while ogling his own daughter. Let's round up the insanity, shall we?Well, President Truck...
read more
Cap’s Very Legal & Very Cool Roundup of Every Dirtbag From Paul Manafort to Alex Acosta
Y'know, normally it's delightful news when a garbage person gets their comeuppance, and it's certainly fun watching the walls close in on Conman Don, but sometimes you remember he's still an utterly immoral shitsack wielding the powers of the Presidency, and you...
read more
The Blue Wave Got So Big, it Washed Away Paul Manafort’s Brains!
Hey folks, it's been a spell, hasn't it? Did you miss me while you were overdosing on stuffing and cranberry sauce? Did you even think of me as you trampled your fellow human beings beneath your feet in a blood-crazed frenzy to save 80 bucks on a television? Anyway,...
read more
Thanksgiving Celebrations Marred as Princess Ivanka Commits the Greatest Crime of All
In this season of Thanksgiving, let me express my gratitude for the Great Big Fat Fuckin’ Blue Wave, and everyone who made it possible. And for beer, of course. And um...the Doobie Brothers are pretty cool, I guess. Enough schmaltzy shit, let's do the news.Let's kick...
read more
Acosta Rides Again! Plus, I Think Jar-Jar’s New Friend Ordered a Murder.
I know asking y’all to stick around for my deliberately-overlong blog post is particularly challenging today, because everyone is plum tuckered out by all the WINNING. But shit is marginally less cray this week, and tempered by plenty of good news, so curl up with a...
read more
Cap’s Soapbox: I Like Presidents Who Aren’t Scared of Drizzle, Okay?
I hope you'll bear with me, True Believers, as I dedicate today's post to the late great Stan Lee. I'm sure I don't need to talk about his influence on me, you probably gleaned it from the tone. Or maybe the outfit. Anyhow, let's call this one...Cap's Soapbox.That...
read more
We Can Talk About Sessions and Acosta, Sure. But Let’s Celebrate that Sweet, Sweet Blue Wave!
Hey there Shower Captives! How does it feel to have a few big fat fuckin’ WINS under your belt? How does it feel to have finally, FINALLY installed some checks on this wannabe-authoritarian goon squad's power? I'm pretty sure it feels good, though I haven't sobered up...
read more
One Last Shower Cap Update Before We All Go Back to Obsessively Staring at the Clock Waiting for the Midterms Results to Roll In
Time sure is passin’ a little slower than usual today, isn’t it? It's like every childhood Xmas rolled up into one, only there's a small chance all those tantalizing packages under the tree turn out to be filled with scorpions and ebola and Dane Cook DVDs. Well, let...
read more
The Bonespur Butthead Bigot’s Burger Blunder, and Other Bnews
Well folks, I keep on pinching myself, and I can't seem to wake up, so I am resigned to the conclusion that all this shit is indeed happening in real life. And people wonder why I drink. Well, let's dive in...Just to get the boring shit out of the way up front, Forbes...
read more
“Suddenly Steve King,” From the Smash Musical, LITTLE SHOP OF BIGOTS
Hello Shower Captives! There's been a little bit too much real life to deal with today, and I'm unable to get the usual Monday blog up, but I'll catch you up tomorrow. To tide you over, here's a little reimagining of a Broadway classic for you:REPUBLICANS:Furrow...
read more
Presidential Shutdown Strategy: Walls Within Walls, Maaaaaaan
Hey hey, Shower Captives! Kind of a slow day, I almost didn't think it was worth bloggin’ about HA HA JUST KIDDING THERE WAS ACTUALLY ALL KINDS OF CRAZY SHIT GOING ON BUT I WAS ALL, “NAH, NOT MUCH NEWS,” SEE WHAT I DID THERE?Anyway...shit be cray. Let's do this.So,...
read more
The National Emergency is the President is a Malevolent Dumbass
Hello Shower Captives, welcome to tonight's madness roundup! You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn that the weekend brought many many (many) more articles on the Congresswoman Who Cried Motherfucker than on the thousands of children still detained in concentration camps...
read more
Nancy Pelosi is BACK, and I Don’t Know How You’re Gonna Build a Wall with Her Boot Up Your Ass, Donnie
Ah, the New Year! A time for fresh starts! Reinventions! Or, we could all just stay trapped in this madhouse together, and dial the shitstorm up to 11! Ha ha just kidding, you don't have a choice!Mike Pompeo flew down to Brazil to suck on authoritarian goon Jair...
read more
Oh, I think there's enough fresh madness to justify a new post, don't you?
“What I’ll never forget is the sight of him, gazing out with pride upon the bounty he’d provided, like a little kid who’s just made a castle on the lawn out of the dog’s shit.”
https://t.co/OjXfqJjxG4
To every dolt screeching #BoycottGillette:
You understand the market research that goes into an ad like this? They knew they'd lose your business & didn't care. They knew they'd more than make it up for it.
Remember when y’all were so certain the Kaepernick ad would sink Nike?
Don't know if this is real, but I love it. https://t.co/2SJIAqqdMM
BREAKING: Hackers, hack into Walt Disney's Hall of Presidents attraction and reprogram some of the Presidents to make obscene gestures directed toward the Donald Trump animatronic.
(Check out Abe ;)) https://t.co/f6C5fOf7ZB
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.