Meanwhile, immigrant agricultural workers are risking their lives to put food on Liar Tuck’s table. https://t.co/IIJXJ8uGjG
@ndrew_lawrence
Tucker Carlson calls immigrant agricultural workers “a threat to this country” and calls on Trump to “cut legal immigration in order to protect the nation” https://t.co/Xb43iGm2g3
Imagine saying this. Just imagine. https://t.co/nwXCiYzZlF
@atrupar
JARED KUSHNER: “The notion of the federal stockpile was it’s supposed to be our stockpile. It’s not supposed to be states stockpiles that they then use.” https://t.co/9Q7j8QBCMv
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
American Madness Journal
You Know, I Don’t Think This Trump Fellow Is Going to Work Out
How’s your quarantine goin’, Shower Captives? Oh, I’m fine. I’m certainly not thinking about installing a chandelier, just to have something to swing from. Nope. All totally normal thoughts rattling around in the cranium ‘neath the mask. Let’s round up the news...
This Week in Hell: If the Coronavirus Don’t Getcha, the President Will!
Hey, everybody. Hope you’re doing reasonably well out there, in this bizarre reality where the President of the United States is actively trying to kill you. If he shows up at your door, remember, just throw an open umbrella at him, and he’ll become confused...
This Blog is Better Than the Disease, But Worse Than the Cure, or I Don’t Even Know What to Wear to a Culling
Well, it was difficult to find time in my busy schedule of drinking beer and perpetually re-sterilizing every inch of my apartment, but I figured I’d drop by for a quick news round-up. It’s been a real positive, uplifting, week, full of daisies and puppies and exotic...
Maybe the Quarantine is to Keep Us From Storming Richard Burr’s Office
Well, I am 31 flavors of quarantined and goin’ a little stir crazy, my friends. I’m about to paint a face on a volleyball and start talking to it, y’know, like in that really obscure Cast Away movie? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m the first one to make that joke, so...
Welcome to Shower Cap’s Socially Distant Quarantine Shindig! BYOB!
Oh, man. I thought shit was cray back when we could leave our homes. Well, before everybody descends into Edgar Allan Poe-style madness, let’s round up the news, it won’t be so - HEY! PUT DOWN THAT AXE, BRO!When last we spoke, the Velveeta Vulgarian had cleverly (in...
Hey, Have You Heard About This Coronavirus Thing? Crazy Shit, Right?
History texts depicting this period will read like deranged Choose Your Adventure books written by sadists; no matter how frantically you flip backwards, you just can’t seem to find the page when you still had the option to vote for the really smart lady with...
Markets are Crashing & the Coronavirus is Spreading, But If That’s What it Takes to Quarantine Ted Cruz…
Everybody’s panic-purchasing hand sanitizer and canned goods and toilet paper, I just want to be the calming voice of reason in your life, reminding you to stock up on plenty of beer, cuz who wants to ride out a quarantine sober? My own personal emergency bunker is...
He Already Sided With Russia Over the American People; It Really Shouldn’t Surprise Us He Picked the Coronavirus This Time
The masks will not keep the madness out, my friends, so you needn’t even bother. We’re all infected with this insanity, there’s no escaping it, and I guess we’ll find out this November if it’s fucking fatal. Let’s round up the news, shall we? The media lawsuits are...
Cap’s Back! Did I Miss Anything? Is Shit Still Cray? Do You Have the Coronavirus Yet?
Well, as y’all know, I had to step away from the ol’ blog for a few days, due to personal life concerns that swung from the life-changingly awesome to the heartbreakingly tragic. I’m back now, and as expected, my metaphorical desk is all but invisible beneath a...
Further Thanks, Further Apologies
My friends,Thank you so much for you very kind words in response to yesterday’s post. I can’t express how much that outpouring of support meant to me. I have the best readers a fake superhero could ask for.Regrettably, real life keeps coming between us this week. My...
A Little Apology, and a Lotta Gratitude
Hey folks,I want to do something a little different tonight. So yeah...first let me apologize real quick for the recent wonkiness of the blog schedule. There’s been some real life stuff, and honestly I’m still trying to adjust to the Dem-primary-driven news cycle;...
Richard Grenell? We’ll Be Auctioning Off Cabinet Posts at MAGA Rallies Soon.
Folks, we, as a country, are one boiled-ass frog. Today feels like the day, where if you’d fallen into a coma after election night, 2016 (and who could fucking blame you?), and woke up just this morning, you’d wonder how we let everything fall so completely to shit,...
I Beg Your PARDON, But It’s Time for a New Blog…Get It? GET IT?
Hey, everybody, it’s another light one; I’m spending most of my days and nights working on a rudimentary time machine designed to send what I believe will be some helpful, clarifying, specific, constitutional changes to James Madison, circa 1785 or so, cleverly...
How Many Bill Barr Stories Does it Take to Ruin Valentine’s Day? Let’s Find Out!
I went to the store to pick up a Valentine for my beloved country, but they didn’t have one that said I Still Love You Even Though a Mush-Brained Fascist Has Been Shitting All Over You for Three Years, so I settled for a card with some orange cat professing to “love...
Merely Mildly Manic Monday: A Slow News Day Lately is Like Drinking Diet Bleach
Y’know, this might be the shortest, lightest, blog I’ve ever written. Since last Friday’s update, the usually-ceaseless onslaught of insanity has been refreshingly mild. It’s been like being locked in a really upscale asylum for a change, instead of the bleak,...
Well, the Week’s High Points Were Mitt Romney and Joe Walsh, So I’m Ready to Move On, Thanks.
Rough week, Resisters. It’s no fun watching a 400-pound sack of monkey shit take a victory lap, is it? It makes a hyper-gross schlorping kind of sound, and the stench lingers for days. Well, this too shall pass, motherfuckers. Take my hand, and I’ll guide ya through...
Oh, You Can Have Your Iowa Caucus Results…IN HELL!!!!
Oh ho, and now the madness bleeds over onto the blue side of the field, how charming! I admit, I kinda liked having a little island of sanity to rest my weary head upon when necessary, but no, it’s caucus time, bitches, and nowhere is safe now! Sigh. Let’s do that...
I’ve Read 25 Books About America…Fuck It, I’M PRESIDENT NOW!
Oh, hello! I didn’t hear you come in! I was out back, burying my country. Yeah, we’re gonna do a little service on Sunday, nothing fancy, but bring a casserole or a pie or something. Let’s round up the news real quick, because I have some serious drinking to...
At the Dawning of the Age of Impeachment, a Murderstache Shall Guide Them!
I tell you what, friends, a trial in a culture where the people inhabit two separate realities is the best idea Lewis Carroll never had. It would be fascinating if it weren’t for the whole Hey Maybe We Don’t Have a Functioning Constitution Anymore aspect of it, which...
If Paul Simon Wrote a Song About GOP Senators, It Would Be “53 Ways to Fail Your Country”
Hey everybody, I almost hate to interrupt whatever filthy, steamy, sex fantasies y’all are no doubt having about Adam Schiff right this very minute, but I figured we should round up the news real quick before disappearing back into his righteous...
You Know, I Don’t Think This Trump Fellow Is Going to Work Out
How’s your quarantine goin’, Shower Captives? Oh, I’m fine. I’m certainly not thinking about installing a chandelier, just to have something to swing from. Nope. All totally normal thoughts rattling around in the cranium ‘neath the mask. Let’s round up the news...
This Week in Hell: If the Coronavirus Don’t Getcha, the President Will!
Hey, everybody. Hope you’re doing reasonably well out there, in this bizarre reality where the President of the United States is actively trying to kill you. If he shows up at your door, remember, just throw an open umbrella at him, and he’ll become confused...
This Blog is Better Than the Disease, But Worse Than the Cure, or I Don’t Even Know What to Wear to a Culling
Well, it was difficult to find time in my busy schedule of drinking beer and perpetually re-sterilizing every inch of my apartment, but I figured I’d drop by for a quick news round-up. It’s been a real positive, uplifting, week, full of daisies and puppies and exotic...
Maybe the Quarantine is to Keep Us From Storming Richard Burr’s Office
Well, I am 31 flavors of quarantined and goin’ a little stir crazy, my friends. I’m about to paint a face on a volleyball and start talking to it, y’know, like in that really obscure Cast Away movie? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m the first one to make that joke, so...
Welcome to Shower Cap’s Socially Distant Quarantine Shindig! BYOB!
Oh, man. I thought shit was cray back when we could leave our homes. Well, before everybody descends into Edgar Allan Poe-style madness, let’s round up the news, it won’t be so - HEY! PUT DOWN THAT AXE, BRO!When last we spoke, the Velveeta Vulgarian had cleverly (in...
Meanwhile, immigrant agricultural workers are risking their lives to put food on Liar Tuck’s table. https://t.co/IIJXJ8uGjG
@ndrew_lawrence
Tucker Carlson calls immigrant agricultural workers “a threat to this country” and calls on Trump to “cut legal immigration in order to protect the nation” https://t.co/Xb43iGm2g3
Imagine saying this. Just imagine. https://t.co/nwXCiYzZlF
@atrupar
JARED KUSHNER: “The notion of the federal stockpile was it’s supposed to be our stockpile. It’s not supposed to be states stockpiles that they then use.” https://t.co/9Q7j8QBCMv
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.