It’s because white evangelical culture has nothing to do with Christianity, or any other religion. https://t.co/r9a4Z8FbNA
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
American Madness Journal
Cap’s Memorial Day Madness Blowout! Every Remaining Shred of Sanity MUST GO!
Good gravy, is all this shit really happening, or has the barista been spiking my frappuccino with hallucinogens and ghost pepper chili powder for the last 800 days or so? This one is what the poet would call “a doozy.” Get comfortable. Ben Carson took his Holy Fuck...
read more
Justin Amash Just Fell Off a Whole Lotta Xmas Card Lists, & Other News From Hell
Well, the news cycle continues to unfold like the novel John Grisham might write if he switched to an all morphine-and-ether diet, but we're all trapped here, so we may as well stay informed. Let's do this shit. From the state Republican Party that brought you...
read more
From Georgia to Gorka, the GOP was One Fat Stack of Sweaty Assholes This Week
Yes, Virginia, shit remains completely cray. I have a newfound respect for television news anchors, if only for their ability to project a veneer of calm while running down this shit, day after day. How Anderson Cooper manages to get through a broadcast without...
read more
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s Tedious Tariff Tantrum
Hey, be careful out there, Resisters. 2019 just killed Doris Day, it's trying to kill Jimmy Carter, and heaven knows who's next. What I'm saying is, strap on a helmet and some galoshes, and break out the rubber umbrella, because the shitstorm shows no signs of abating...
read more
Look, When You Elect a Billion-Dollar Loser, Things’re Gonna Get a Little Wacky
Hey campers, happy two-year anniversary to the Comey firing! That was nuts, wasn't it? I didn't think it was even possible for shit to get any crazier than that. But look at where we are today; the plague is back. THE PLAGUE. The plague is back because people are...
read more
Just Another Manic Monday…er, “Constitutional Crisis”
Ho hum, just another day in the never-ending struggle between the forces of good and evil. Here in the real world we don't have shiny costumes or dragons...actually, it's mostly very old white people in boring suits mumbling and writing letters to one another, but...
read more
Snitty Snitty Bang Bang, and Other News From This Week in Hell
Hey there Shower Captives, I'm a day late this week, for which I apologize. Look, when the news achieves “Alleged Russian spy beluga defects to Norway for nose scratches” levels of madness, sometimes you need to take a step back and drink yourself into a stupor....
read more
Did You Know: The American Presidency Comes With a Free Toaster Oven Every 10,000 Lies?
Hey there baby killers! Look, I know you're all busy killing babies (MONDAYS, AMIRITE?), but I wanted to get a news roundup in real quick. Let's wade through muck together, and then we can all get back to our infanticide. Shortly after my last post, the Hairplug That...
read more
The News, or, How Many White Supremacists Does it Take to Ruin the Week when an Avengers Movie Comes Out?
Kind of a light week, news-wise...it was like a meth-addled badger got dropped on our heads just twice a day, instead of hourly, like we're used to, how refreshing. Well, let's power through this shit so we can all enjoy our Great Big Superhero Fight and our Great...
read more
“Nobody Disobeys My Orders!*” (*See Appendices A-GGGG for Orders That Were Disobeyed)
Feelin’ a little jittery tonight, Shower Captives...I assume the choice to consume a dozen Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs was unwise, but I am powerless before the Monday-after-Easter candy sales. Let's try and get through the news before the sugar crash hits.We'll start...
read more
You Know, I’m Starting to Think This Barr Fellow Wasn’t Entirely Honest in his Little Memo.
Woooo, it's been a fuckin’ ride this week, huh? We've all been waiting for Bill Barr to finish up the whitewashing gig he was hired for, and personally, I was up all night redacting your mom. I almost didn't get a blog up today.Exciting news for Devin “Pigfucker”...
read more
Breaking: President Trump Upset Notre Dame Fire Distracting From Attempts to Incite Violence Against Rep. Omar
Hey, did everybody have a nice day? The regular shitshow takes on a whole new dimension when you're watching Notre Dame burn in the background. Here in the American Madhouse, it didn't even seem out of place, and when the spire collapsed, you said to yourself, “yeah,...
read more
Assange, Avenatti, and Other Assholes in Various Stages of the Power-to-Prison Pipeline
When you spend as much time as I do documenting this madness, you quickly run out of synonyms for “batshit,” which is why I'm thankful for the opportunity to refer to the news this week as BEES IN YOUR EYES FEASTING ON YOUR TEARS crazy for a change. Anyway, everything...
read more
Scary Monsters, Super Creeps, & Stephen Miller (Who is Both)
Good gravy, I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. The news today is like a facehugger from Alien got drunk on moonshine from a still in Pam Geller's back yard before depositing eggs directly into George Orwell's subconscious. Put on a fuckin’ helmet...
read more
The Woeful Week That Was: Walls, Windmills, and White Supremacists
I see they're starting to drop teasers for the new Joker movie...given everything we deal with on a day to day basis, I'm not sure a film about a criminally insane agent of chaos will come off as relaxing escapism. Anyway, between the daily news and this Cadbury Creme...
read more
America in 2019: Well, I Lost My Health Insurance, But I Did Get This Nifty Security Clearance!
Oh look, ‘tis the first of April, surely the most irritating merriest holiday on the internet! Perhaps I shall spend tonight's blog amusingly contradicting my established beliefs! I could talk of my support for Lindsey Graham's 2020 re-election, for example, wouldn't...
read more
History Will Remember Trump as the First President who was Cucked by Michael Bolton, and Other News
It was only a few short days ago when so many Resisters fell into despair, certain the Barr memo had delivered the Treasonweasel Adminstration such an overwhelming victory, we could ne’er hope to recover. O ye of little faith. If ye trust in nothing else in this...
read more
Cap’s Rantings on the Graham Statement on the Barr Letter on the Mueller Report
Hey, you're welcome. After more than two years of rumor and speculation, of COURSE my decision to take three whole days away from the sturm und drang of the incessantly churning news cycle led to the immediate conclusion of the Mueller investigation. Some vacation. I...
read more
Is John McCain Haunting the President, or is it Just an Experimental Hair Tonic-Induced Hallucination?
Okay, Shower Captives, I'm taking a much needed vacation weekend, but I wanted to get one last post up before I shut my brain off for a few days. So let's plunge back into the Mouth of Madness....though it looks like Madness hasn’t flossed in a while...Devin...
read more
A Child’s Treasury of Petty, Stupid, Men Doing Petty, Stupid, Things, Starring Devin Nunes’ Mom
If there's a limit to my personal capacity to process madness, I'm gonna hit it this week, friends. After St. Patrick's Day in Chicago and three hours of the Bermuda Triangle on Acid known as Amazon customer service, I'm feeling about as mentally sound as a Lovecraft...
read more
Cap’s Memorial Day Madness Blowout! Every Remaining Shred of Sanity MUST GO!
Good gravy, is all this shit really happening, or has the barista been spiking my frappuccino with hallucinogens and ghost pepper chili powder for the last 800 days or so? This one is what the poet would call “a doozy.” Get comfortable. Ben Carson took his Holy Fuck...
read more
Justin Amash Just Fell Off a Whole Lotta Xmas Card Lists, & Other News From Hell
Well, the news cycle continues to unfold like the novel John Grisham might write if he switched to an all morphine-and-ether diet, but we're all trapped here, so we may as well stay informed. Let's do this shit. From the state Republican Party that brought you...
read more
From Georgia to Gorka, the GOP was One Fat Stack of Sweaty Assholes This Week
Yes, Virginia, shit remains completely cray. I have a newfound respect for television news anchors, if only for their ability to project a veneer of calm while running down this shit, day after day. How Anderson Cooper manages to get through a broadcast without...
read more
The Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor’s Tedious Tariff Tantrum
Hey, be careful out there, Resisters. 2019 just killed Doris Day, it's trying to kill Jimmy Carter, and heaven knows who's next. What I'm saying is, strap on a helmet and some galoshes, and break out the rubber umbrella, because the shitstorm shows no signs of abating...
read more
Look, When You Elect a Billion-Dollar Loser, Things’re Gonna Get a Little Wacky
Hey campers, happy two-year anniversary to the Comey firing! That was nuts, wasn't it? I didn't think it was even possible for shit to get any crazier than that. But look at where we are today; the plague is back. THE PLAGUE. The plague is back because people are...
read more
It’s because white evangelical culture has nothing to do with Christianity, or any other religion. https://t.co/r9a4Z8FbNA
NUMBER TWO
Vice-President
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
UNSEXY REXY
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
MNUCHBAG
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
THE GENERALS
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Attorney General
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
ZINKE BOOTZ
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
PLAGUEMASTER T
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
DOCTOR NAPTIME
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
THE DEVOSTATOR
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
PUBIS
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
DARTH WINO
Chief Strategist
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
JAR-JAR
Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
HEY, KELLYANNE!
Senior Counsel
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
THE MOOCH
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
KKKRIS KKKOBACH
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
“DOC” GORKA
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
ATLAS CRAPPED
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
YERTLE
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.