Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
The Week That Was, From SotU to Cindy McCain: White Savior!
Y’know what? I’m calling bullshit at this point. I’m plugged into the Matrix, and the bug robots are feeding me nothing but Mountain Dew and acid. None of this shit can possibly be real…can it?
There are apparently no white dudes anywhere in Virginia that didn’t spend half of the 1980s in blackface. I guess it’s just something you put on before you left the house, with your Keds and your slap bracelets. Lt. Governor Justin Fairfax is probably immune to the blackface problem, but it doesn’t look like he’ll be around much longer. I have no idea how the fuck we’re going to find anybody to govern that state. The line of succession is down to pizza delivery drivers at this point.
The top American general in Syria says the Valor Thief in Chief didn’t bother consulting him before making the reckless decision to suddenly withdraw troops from the region, he just came home one day, and Eric Trump was out in the yard, wearing a plastic soldier helmet, telling everybody to pack up and go home.
Still, Assad is surely happy to see us go, and so is his favorite Congressflunky, Tulsi Gabbard, who told the Morning Joe crew she still has posters from Bashar’s Tiger Beat photo shoot all over her bedroom. I confess it’s sort of confusing to me that Tulsi looks at her record and her beliefs and thinks, “Democrats will vote for me.” I just can’t figure out the thought process. It’s like setting out to make an apple pie, going to the grocery store, and coming back with a can of cashews, a tire, some cat litter, and a volleyball, and hoping for the best.
Well, because he finally finished his peas and cleaned all the hooker pee out of his bedsheets, Nancy Pelosi finally let the Kompromat Kid have his State of the Union speech. I could, I suppose, nitpick my way through each exaggeration and outright lie, but you must have noticed by now…nobody’s really talking about the content of the speech, about any proposed policies or applause lines. We’re talking about that kid who fell asleep and that picture of Pelosi clapping.
He’s the Dotard Who Cried Wall, and he repeats himself so much he’s not even interesting anymore. He’s lost the power to drive the national conversation. If he gets any weaker, he’ll need Mick Mulvaney to cut up his overcooked steaks for him.
Still, I suppose some highlights are called for:
Lacking in actual accomplishments to tout, he demanded he be given credit for stopping the war with North Korea that exists exclusively inside his pea-sized reptilian brain, and the United States Congress LAUGHED DIRECTLY IN HIS FACE.
He whined that national peace and prosperity would be threatened if the new Congress insisted on investigating his numerous crimes, as pathetic a “I have nothing to hide and don’t you dare look in my closet” moment as you could hope to conjure.
And while I don’t generally let that rancid shitmaggot get under my skin, I have to confess one moment stuck in my craw; Hairplug Himmler had the fucking gall to trot out a survivor of the Tree of Life massacre in the very same speech where he repeated the very same phony, hateful, conspiracy theories about caravans and refugees that MOTIVATED THE FUCKING TREE OF LIFE SHOOTER. I’d say, “have you no decency, sir?” But that’s a stupid question, isn’t it?
Anyway, Stacey Abrams strolled in and blew the old fart out of the water without breaking a sweat. Her rebuttal was the sort of speech that makes you proud to be a Democrat, and the juxtaposition between her hope, clarity, and resolve and Wee Don’s sullen, dishonest, hate-mongering couldn’t have been any starker.
Meanwhile, Howard Schultz, even in the face of relentless opposition, continues his tireless crusade for the great civil rights issue of our time; the Periodic Criticism of Billionaires. Howard finds the very term “billionaire” to be practically a slur, you see, and would rather folks use phrases like “person of means” or “Pathetically Out-of-Touch-American.” Anyway, he should probably start measuring the Oval Office drapes.
Extra congrats go out to the Sublime Mr. Schultz for arriving at the defeated, depressing, Jeb(!)ian “please clap” moment in less than two weeks. Most candidates at least get out of the parking lot before running out of gas, but you’re something special, Howard.
The Bonespur Buttplug’s bullheaded pursuit of the Big Dumb Wall Nobody Wants has encountered a new foe: butterflies. Yeah, they’re trying to bulldoze a butterfly sanctuary to throw up some of that sweet sweet border barrier. That’s a little on-the-nose, Disney-villain-wise, don’tcha think? Butterflies? What next, are we gonna walk in on Stephen Miller casually dismembering Care Bears?
Well, even as they worked to annihilate universally-beloved natural beauty, the Shart Administration got back to their populist roots, shredding Obama-era regulations on payday lenders. Surely now that the scummiest grifters preying upon the nation’s working poor are newly empowered to bleed their victims dry, American greatness has finally been restored as promised.
Shithead hired yet another Fux Nooz host to work in the federal government, and at the risk of stoking controversy, future Presidents probably shouldn’t dole out important posts to the people they like on the magical teevee box. Heaven help us, at least he watches news…the next Trump may well be a sitcom junkie…imagine Kelsey Grammer explaining he’s only an actor right up until the moment Frasier Crane gets sworn in as HHS Secretary.
GALAXY BRAIN: Maybe the solution to our problems is to do the vetting over at News Corp! Before they ever get tapped for government service! God, that’s brilliant! Screen out the Whitakers and the Gorkas BEFORE THEY SHOW UP ON TELEVISION! You can mail me my Nobel Prize.
Okay, make sure you’re sitting down, because this next story is AMAZING. Gather ‘round, children, as I tell ye the Tale of Cindy McCain: White Savior.
Yes, Cindy was at the airport, and in the White Republicanest Thing That Has Ever Happened, she looked at a random woman and her child, decided their skin tones didn’t match quite to her liking, and CALLED THE COPS ON THEM TO ACCUSE THE MOM OF TRAFFICKING HER CHILD. Just for a little Smug Superiority garnish on this Racist Horror Salad, she went on a radio show to brag about her heroism, only to have Phoenix police call her out on her misguided meddling.
HOLY FUCKBALLS Cindy, you have taken white privilege to a heretofore unknown extreme. Surely you will transcend mere human whiteness, and evolve to a higher plane of being, perhaps as the background of an Ice Age cartoon. Congratulations on thrusting a potentially life-threatening law enforcement encounter on total strangers because you were stupid and bored. Please build a catapult and launch yourself into the sun before your idle self-righteousness gets somebody killed.
Moving over to some good news for a change, the government’s open, the committee assignments have been handed out, and the Oversight Renaissance has begun to flourish in earnest!
We had a hearing on gun violence, for the first time since 2011! It was going great until Bipedal Colon Fungus Matt Gaetz figured it was an appropriate setting to get into a fight with a couple of Parkland parents.
Gaetz is such a magnificent little Trump stooge; stupid, spiteful, and as obsequious as an Igor stand-in from a Looney Tunes short. You sort of imagine him calling the President up in the middle night, going, “My wife said the dishwasher broke and we needed a new one, but I told her the REAL solution was to BUILD THE WALL! Aren’t I a good boy, SAY I’M A GOOD BOY MR. TRUMP.”
Meanwhile, Steve Mnuchin is “negotiating” with Maxine Waters regarding testimony before the House Financial Services Committee, which she chairs*. I’d be careful, little fellah. Maxine’ll march you right down Pennsylvania Avenue by the ear if she has to. Maybe even if she doesn’t.
A certain Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor is not taking all this new-fangled accountability well, and he’s responding by doing what he does best: whining like five-year-old on Twitter. I think he really believes “presidential harassment” is an actual crime, or at the very least he’s upset he didn’t make it one before he lost the House.
But Adam Schiff keeps right on wielding that House Intelligence Committee gavel like Mjolnir, and it is so sweet to watch. First order of business? Sending a fat stack of transcripts over to Bob Mueller’s office with all the various instances of perjury helpfully color-coded for prosecutorial ease n’ comfort.
Adam’s burrowed ten miles under Dorito Mussolini’s skin, staffing up with all kinds of new talent, including folks with National Security Council experience, which has Little Donnie Two-Scoops jumping at shadows, fearing that Schiff is poaching talent from the White House itself! Don’t worry, Shart-Shart…I’m sure the Secret Service agents you charge to pee while they risk their lives for you are perfectly loyal.
There’s even an investigation into potential ratfuckery by the National Rifle Association! Why, Grundle-Munching Death Merchant Wayne LaPierre himself has been ordered to produce documents for the congressional probe , though he has requested extra time to wipe the blood of countless innocent children from his files, if only to make them more legible.
Perhaps jealous of the all the Hawt XXX Oversight Action going down in the House, the Department of Justice announced a new investigation of their own, trying to figure out precisely why Alex Acosta doled out a punishment to serial child molester Jeffrey Epstein that amounted to telling him he was a very naughty boy and sending him on him to bed with supper, only no dessert. Acosta, for those who no can no longer decipher their scorecard in the middle of this unceasing shitstorm, is the current serving Secretary of Labor, which I imagine fills his hours with interesting tasks and challenges as he awaits eternal damnation.
We learned Precocious Paul Manafort kept on fuckin’ around in Ukraine and lying and whatnot even after he got indicted, because…I don’t even know, because he thinks the law is something his parents made up, like Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy? We’re gonna find out Paul was doing crimes on his phone at the literal moment the judge was sentencing him. What is life like at the Manafort house? “Honey did you finish folding the laundry or were you doing crimes all night?” “Um…crimes. Sorry.”
I have to take a moment here to confess that my mind is still totally fucking blown by the Cindy McCain thing. How utterly jacked on wine coolers and self-regard do you have to be to look at a mixed-race family and, without a split-second’s self-examination, decide it’s time to live out your Underground Railroad fantasy? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, CINDY?
So, I guess David Pecker and the National Enquirer tried to blackmail Jeff Bezos (who you may recognize as the richest human being in all history) with dick pics, but then Bezos whipped out his actual dick, which is Lots of Fucking Money and All the Power that Comes With It, and slapped the Enquirer across the face with it several times.
I think Mr. Pecker should consider giving L.A. Confidential a quick watch, if only the Danny DeVito scenes. The moral of the story is NEVER FUCK WITH A DUDE WHOSE ACTUAL DICK IS ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD. (It’s probably not super healthy for us to be cheering for a billionaire, but hey, the enemy of my enemy, right?)
Anyway, there isn’t going to be a National Enquirer in 2020, which, because we live in Hell, actually deals a fairly consequential blow to the re-election prospects of the current President of the United States.
We learned that murdering Jamal Khashoggi was actually a long-standing fantasy for Saudi Prince Mohammed bin Salman, and U.S. intelligence had intercepted a conversation where he discussed it. Mike Fucking Pompeo was probably hand-feeding him grapes and cutting the crusts off his sandwiches at the time. In an administration that debases America daily, few things bring greater shame on us than watching our Secretary of State scrape and bow to this pettiest of thugs.
I tell you what, I bet a lot of folks in Shartopia are sweatin’ bullets now that the feds are investigating the (hilariously-under-attended) inaugural. Near as I can tell, every influence-hungry shitbag on Earth pulled up to the sewer with a dump truck full of cash, and told the various rats and slugs to divvy it up among themselves however they saw fit. But now the subpoenas are flyin’, the fingers are pointin’, and the Shower Cap is laughin’ his goddamn ass off.
And some SCOTUS rulings came down, including a truly despicable Silly Muslim, Religious Liberty Isn’t Guaranteed for YOU decision that makes you hope nobody asks Neil Gorsuch to give the Fugitive Slave Law another look.
Brett Kavanaugh enjoyed a devious little snicker at Susan Collins’ expense, chuckling, “I told you I think women are people and you totally believed me! Timmy and Squi are never gonna believe this!” and then, given the opportunity to rule on abortion rights for the very first time, he could scarcely contain his desire to start passing out Handmaid costumes and chastity belts. Who could have seen this coming except anyone and everyone?
I never get sick of stories about the Drumpf Cabal using donor money to pay their legal fees. This time it’s young Jar-Jar dipping his hand into the cookie jar, to the tune of 100,000 cookies. Y’know, I want to feel sorry for the people who send this smirking grifter their hard-earned money, begging him to make America great again, while he attacks their livelihoods with shutdowns and tariffs and shameless upwards redistribution of wealth, I really do. But then I remember the child concentration camps, and I say, “Fuck it. Take ‘em for every penny, you Vampire Scrotal Growth. Mueller’ll get it all back in the end.”
David Farenthold reveals that the REAL caravan is the one transporting a steady stream of undocumented immigrants to work at Sharty McFly’s tacky-ass New Jersey golf resort! Given this shocking new information, the “build a wall”-chanting fanatics of MAGA nation, forced to confront their Turd Emperor’s hypocrisy, abandoned him en masse, and JUST KIDDING they all still think Q is about to have Obama and Rosie O’Donnell burned at the stake for sex crimes.
I see Candace Owens took a break from assuring large crowds of white people that her “Blexit” movement is going to catch on any minute now to…praise Hitler. Folks, I don’t think it’s really my place to dole out advice, as I am a drunken buffoon in a bathrobe and mask, but if, at this late date, this is still unclear to you…NEVER PRAISE HITLER. No, not even if you happen to admire his taste in table settings.
Matt Whitaker appeared before the House Judiciary Committee to raise awareness of the dangerous buffoon that has been running the Department of Justice since Jeff Sessions got fired. Watching him dodging and stalling was like watching…like, have you ever seen a world-class acrobat, completely in the zone, or an Olympic-level slalom skier, weaving around with poetic grace? It was the opposite of that. That boy is DUMB. I wouldn’t make him Acting Shift Manager at Pizza Hut While I Step Out for a Smoke.
Now, at this point, you probably think you’ve taken some bad acid and fallen into a Yes album cover, but I haven’t even gotten to the weird shit yet. You want weird shit? I mean, legit weird-ass shit? How about some Jerome Corsi suing Roger Stone shit? How about Corsi-claiming-Stone-is-trying-to-give-him-a-stroke-so-he-can’t-testify-level shit! PEYOTE AND TIDE PODS ALL AROUND, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Has the news reduced to a gibbering mess, tarred with madness and feathered with despair? Let me snap the last thread of your sanity and push you over the ledge into the void once and for all: a politician in Florida resigned this week because she was LICKING DUDES’ FACES. We have arrived at the FACE-LICKING portion of the program, people. Please secure your own oxygen mask before attending to any children, because this is real life and there’s no way off.
Shit, y’all. If you haven’t started drinking yet, get to fuckin’ work. We still have to drink to the mighty John Dingell, and I expect that’ll take all weekend.
*Isn’t that awesome?