Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
And Lo, Just When We Thought Things Couldn’t Get Crazier, There Came Unto Us…a Nunberg
Everybody keeps saying “this is not normal,” and they’re right, but it’s been a year now, so what if this is just what normal looks like now? What if we spend the rest of our lives navigating a media landscape that looks like a war between Wonderland and Living Island that went nuclear?
I’d barely wrapped up yesterday afternoon’s update when word of a brand new Mueller subpoena broke. And it was…big. The Bobadook is looking into e-mail communications among the major players now. Hicks. Manafort. Bannon. Cohen. The Marmalade Shartcannon himself.
…no wonder the President set off a trade war in a fit of colic.
We wondered who received and leaked this subpoena, but figured that’d have to remain secret for now. Not like you’d expect the guy to go on a day-long drunken media bender or anything.
Rudy Giuliani, a creepy old dude with the skull of a Mars Attacks! alien and the teeth of a New York City sewer gator, apparently made a crack about Hillary Clinton’s physical appearance at a Marm-a-Lago fundraiser over the weekend. I’m sure Hilldawg will cry herself to sleep over her failure to meet your beauty standards, you Strip Club Ashtray of a man.
Not really tied to our larger political mess, but I wanted to make note of Martin Shkreli’s misadventures real quick. It seems like only yesterday when he was smirking his way through congressional hearings. Nowadays, he’s begging for sentencing mercy and being forced to give up his precious private Wu-Tang album.
…I just hope our justice system isn’t quite done punishing douchey rich boys just yet. This is just the opening act, right?
There was nice little article on Christopher Steele, containing the fun tidbit about how the Kremlin may have vetoed Mitt Romney’s appointment as Secretary of State, in favor of Doddering Oil Goon Rex Tillerson.
If there’s any truth to that, you almost have to tip your cap to ol’ Vlad, because Good Golly Miss Molly has that investment ever paid off! The Failing New York Times taught us that while State has allocated $120 million to battle Russian election interference, Low-T Rex has spent exactly NO FUCKING DOLLARS OF THAT MONEY.
C’mon, man! You should’ve at least bought team sweatshirts with a cool name like The New Cold Warriors by now! Fuck, the agency tasked with oversight of Russian meddling doesn’t even have a single Russian speaker!
And you know what’s really crazy? We read this story, which essentially tells us that our leading diplomat is refusing to defend our country, and is in fact actively enabling the intervention of a hostile foreign power in our democracy…and this fuckhead will still have a job tomorrow. In any previous administration, a scandal like this would’ve brought down not just the SoS, but the ENTIRE PRESIDENCY. And justly.
The New Normal is decidedly NOT BANGARANG.
I think Ben & Jerry’s is making schadenfreude now. I say that because I came across this DELICIOUS little article about how young conservatives in D.C. are having trouble dating, because I guess being a shitbag isn’t attractive. Good. Nookie is only for the decent, says I.
The Grand Wizard Grifter, in his ongoing quest to strip the American Presidency of every imaginable ounce of dignity, has apparently stamped the presidential seal on tee markers for his tacky golf courses. This is, needless to say, totally illegal, but it’s almost cute, amongst the treason and the multi-million-dollar emoluments violations, y’know?
Still, when the final bill comes due, wouldn’t it be neat if Mueller slapped one last “oh by the way, the golf course thing” indictment on this crooked fucker?
Congressional Dems want to poke around in White House documents to see if Jared Kushner was maybe sorta peddling influence in exchange for desperately needed loans. You have to wonder if Jared even still has the security clearance to see that stuff. I bet not. Hee.
After a long, tense, occasionally violent standoff, the President’s family business was evicted from their former hotel in Panama. Just like that time Sasha and Malia set up a lemonade stand in Buenos Aires and the secret police burned it down.
That Leftist Propaganda Rag, the Wall Street Journal, reports that Drumpf Stooge Michael Cohen whinged to his buddies after the election about how his boss stiffed him like a common construction contractor after he went to all the trouble of paying a porn star $130,000 in blackmail money.
Now, Cohen has been Shart Garfunkel’s most loyal non-family underling, so it’ll be especially satisfying when he winds up disbarred and broke, don’tcha think?
Mississippi Senator Thad Cochran will be stepping down for health reasons, setting up a special election this November to fill the remainder of his term. We probably shouldn’t get excited, because it’s Missifrickinssippi we’re talking about, but remember we live in the world where “Junior Senator Doug Jones of Alabama” is a thing, and also Steve Bannon is probably scanning the sex offender registry for a candidate he thinks would really get under Mitch McConnell’s skin.
And on top of that, today saw the release of the very first poll showing Democrat Conor Lamb LEADING in the special election in the Pennsylvania 18th…I don’t wanna get cocky or greedy but let’s pick a few ambitious fights to fight, y’know? You never can tell which ones we’ll win.
Everyone congratulate your favorite investigation-launchin’, prematurely-baldin’, cooperating witness on his nuptials! Godspeed, Mr. and Mrs. Papaderpaderp! Get that honeymoon in before the jail term for lying to federal investigators starts!
…you may want to avoid England, though! Seems that Rascally Russkie, Vlad Putin can still poison the odd ex-spy right underneath the Queen’s nose, so maybe just take in a NASCAR race and slide quietly into witness protection, kids!
On that subject, can anybody spare a little political asylum for an imprisoned Russian escort/sex coach? Seeking bail money plus a plane ticket from Bangkok, offering 16 hours of audio recordings purportedly relating to Oligarch ratfucking in the American election? I don’t know how credible this stuff is, but would you honestly be surprised at this point?
Nobody likes Fat Q*Bert’s steel tariffs, maybe cuz of the whole “trade war” thing. Studies show they’d cause job losses. Foreign nations are threatening retaliation. Even housepets are asking, “Why in the living fuck are you fucking with Canada, man? At long last, have you no chill whatsoever?”
Even congressional Republicans, who’ve turned the blindest of eyes to everything from a dozen plus sexual assault accusations to dereliction of the Presidential duty to defend to United States from foreign attacks, dug through their office closets to find their long-neglected spines, and said “Excuse me your Fuckheadedness, could you maybe NOT wreck the economy, please?
But Circus Peanut Broderick Crawford is thus far unmoved!
He says he “won’t back down”
No he won’t back down
You can stand him up at the gates of
But he won’t back down
The Dickless Dumbfuck Dotard also promised to cut the price of the new U.S. embassy in Israel from a billion dollars…to $250,000, which can only mean he’s building it out of Legos he’s confiscated from Eric for wetting the bed in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Former Drumpf campaign aide Sam Nunberg, upon being served with a subpoena by the Mueller investigation, reacted the way any innocent person would; he drove to the nearest grocery store, bought every wine cooler in the joint, and pounded them in the parking lot while calling in to cable news shows.
Sam had…quite the day. He claims to think Mueller won’t arrest him for defying a subpoena, so he’s basically been screaming “COME AT ME, BRO!” which seems…unwise. He said Carter Page colluded and Donald knew about the Trump Tower meeting with Junior and a bunch of Fux Nooz hosts will live to regret their coverage and a lot of inappropriately nasty stuff about Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Most curiously of all, he seems to be willing to risk jail time to protect the honor of…Roger Stone?
SERIOUSLY?!?!? Roger fucking Stone?
Ah, well. The heart wants what it wants.
By the evening, Nunberg literally had an interviewer telling him they could smell alcohol on his breath. Thinking about it now, it’s actually kinda surprising it took this long for somebody swept up in this circus to have such a spectacular public meltdown. In six months, they’ll find Stephen Miller, naked, hiding in the National Zoo, pretending to be a macaque.
Anyway, I’m gonna leave you with something sexxxxxxy. Seriously, don’t let your spouse know you’re watching this video. If you’re not over 18, just close the window right now. Frankly, if you have a heart condition, this video may simply be TOO SEXY.