Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Dude Who Can’t Stop His Staff From Buying $140,000 Doors Thinks He Can Disarm North Korea. Makes Sense.
I’ve said it before, folks, but SHIT BE CRAY. A few short days ago, Nunberg-Mania was running wild, and now I can’t even remember the sad fucker’s first name.
Let’s wade into the fever swamp, shall we?
My friends, I am running out of tears. First, Roy Moore passed the hat around, for he cannot even afford bus fair to the mall anymore. And now? Now, poor, traitorous Michael Flynn has been forced to sell his house in order to pay all the legal bills he has accumulated as a result of betraying his country. Have you tried asking Turkey for money, Mike?
A Special Counsel found Kellyanne Conway had committed multiple violations of the Hatch Act, for which she will not be disciplined at all, because the executive branch doesn’t want anyone to get in the habit of applying the rule of law where they’re concerned.
What’s really fun about this little episode is how the Shart Administration appointed the Special Counsel, presumably at significant expense, to investigate the matter, and then just decided to piss on his findings.
Seems somebody on the House Intelligence Committee, someone who may or may not partake of the odd act of recreational porcine copulation, has been leaking closed-door testimony to the Velveeta Vulgarian’s right hand thug, Michael Cohen.
Devin Nunes is basically William H. Macy in the last act of FARGO right now. Everything’s spun farther out of his control than he ever imagined was possible, and he’s frantically scrambling for some Deux ex Machina deliverance from the consequences of his actions.
People poke fun at Dorito Mussolini for all the “executive time” blocked out on his schedule, but I think he’s busier than we give him credit for. Shit, he’s got all that witness-tampering to catch up on, for starters!
Yes, the Failing New York Times reports the Candycorn Skidmark has been pestering those who’ve testified before the Mueller investigation, just, y’know, wondering how it went, and IF YOU BETRAYED ME.
“You didn’t mention the treason, did you? Don’t tell them about the treason! Also, tell everybody that Salma Hayek calls all the time, but I turn her down because I don’t think she’s all that hot anymore.”
Oh, and this George Nader weasel who’s cooperating with the Mueller probe seems to be filling in the gaps about that shady January 2017 Seychelles meeting between Celebrity Mercenary Erik Prince and a Putin Pal.
I imagine Erik will be investing heavily in Republican House races this year, because it sure fucking looks like he lied to Congress, and he really needs to keep that gavel in ol’ Pigfucker Nunes’ congealed-bacon-grease-crusted hands if he wants to stay out of jail.
So, the President is being sued by a porn star, because of course he is. There are all sorts of sordid details that I’m not going to get into here because A) You’ve already heard them and B) I don’t want to think about that guy rutting.
And C), most importantly of all, the REAL takeaway here is that THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES PAID BLACKMAIL. Which makes him an unthought-of security risk to our whole fucking country. My god, if Stormy Daniels can do this to him, Putin could probably make him bark like a dog on CNN if the fancy struck him.
In the midst of all the porny stuff, you could be forgiven for not noticing that tiny little story floating around where Commander of the U.S. European Command Curtis M. Scaparrotti says “Oh, that thing where Russia attacks our elections? Yeah, we’re basically doing jack shit about that.”
And then you’re like, “Oh right, our President has a number of diverting sexual misadventures and is also simultaneously refusing to defend the country from an ongoing assault by a hostile foreign power, how unusual!”
Gary Cohn, the last high-ranking White House official who could tie his own shoelaces, resigned after failing to talk his pudding-brained boss out of starting a trade war. Cohn’s tenure was promptly eulogized as “You stood by him after the Very Fine People thing, THAT’S your legacy, nobody thinks you’re brave for quitting NOW, Gary.”
President Spit-Jar-at-an-Orange-Crush-Tasting finds all the stories about staffing turmoil quite unflattering, and insists that he has all kinds of rats lining up to climb aboard his sinking ship.
Why, look at all the applicants lining up for Gary’s old job!
Hark! Hipster Huckster Hope Hicks Hacked!
Yes, on her way out the door, the Presidential Security Blanket told House Intel one of her e-mail accounts was hacked, but oddly the recent focus on electronic security seems to have been dropped now that it isn’t needed as an anti-Hillary cudgel. HUH.
Turnout in the Texas primaries was encouraging, and we have our Senate match-up: Ted Cruz vs. Not Ted Cruz, Which is Honestly Good Enough, Right?
(Actually Beto O’Rourke is the right man for the job, I’m a big fan, and you should give him a few bucks if you can spare it.)
Cruz launched his general election campaign with an ad attacking Beto for changing his name to fit in…which is amusing coming from a “Ted” whose real name is “Rafael.” It’s like if Pee Wee Herman cut an ad saying “My opponent jacks off in movie theatres.”
In coming weeks, expect Cruz to hit O’Rourke for his “phony preacher’s cadence,” his “exceptionally punchable face,” and the way he “rolls over submissively to a man who insulted his own wife and father.”
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III headed out to California, like some Goober Bigot Clampett, to yell at the locals for refusing to transform into the Mediocre RageYokel Police State of his wettest dreams.
In pimping his beloved ICEtapo, Ol’ Beau even went so far as to invoke the Civil War, popping what I can only assume was the final creaking, dusty, boner of his shitty, misbegotten life.
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos swung by Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, I guess because she imagined a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it photo opp with a ghoulish, out-of-touch, autocrat was just what those traumatized kids needed.
Anyway, Betsy laid a wreath, held a wee press conference just long enough to demonstrate the speed at which she’ll flee tough questions, and quickly scampered back to the bubble that’s provided her with life’s every privilege and comfort without demanding so much as a single afternoon’s honest work of her.
Despite losing his security clearance, (and a conspicuous lack of diplomatic training/experience/respect) Jared Kushner was dispatched to Mexico to smooth things over. I confess I’m curious who imagined that was a good plan. Oh, and for good measure, he didn’t let the actual Ambassador to Mexico tag along with any of her pesky expertise.
Fortunately, Shower Cap has spies everywhere. I’ve obtained the following EXCLUSIVE TRANSCRIPT of the Boy Blunder’s conversation with Mexican Foreign Minister Luis Videgaray:
JK: So, we’d really like you to pay for this wall thing.
LV: Yeah, we’re not gonna do that.
JK: C’mon, it’s only $20 billion or so. It’d really calm Dad down. (Don’t tell him I called him “Dad,” by the way.)
LV: Sorry, the answer is still no.
LV: …no, now about these tariffs –
JK: Pretty please?
LV: Mr. Kushner, we should move on to more productive topics, why not –
JK: Ok, I shouldn’t do this, but I’ll tell you what: if you guys pay for the wall, I’ll let you in on a sweet Manhattan real estate investment opportunity. For just 300 billion, you can –
LV: You know the way out, yes?
JK: …I do.
Speaking of morons in over their heads, somebody should tell Rick Perry, the Smart Guy Glasses aren’t working. Rikki Tikki Tavi lamented the immorality of pushing renewable energy, because he thinks there’s a binary choice between burning fossil fuels till we choke and huddling in caves, begging the Rain God to favor our crops. He’s the Secretary of Energy, by the way. Sleep tight.
KKKris KKKobach seems to be making an ass of himself in court, defending one of his shitty voter ID laws from the ACLU. It must hurt poor KKKris, being so bad at the one thing he loves most. He’s like, the Florence Foster Jenkins of voter suppression.*
Precious Paul Manafort pleaded not guilty to his latest indictment, and everyone believed him SO HARD. The judge said, “Good enough for me, you got an honest face, kid,” and threw out the charges!
…just kidding, the trial’s set for July.
Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops officially announced his precious tariffs, but after insisting he wouldn’t back down, he backed down and exempted Canada and Mexico and also said other countries could negotiate their own exemptions.
You know he’s got visions of being hailed as the Patron Saint of Dealmakers dancing around in his fat, experimental-hair-tonic-addled, head, but the rest of the world is already promising retaliatory tariffs of their own, and the only “deal” anyone is going to offer him is “We’ll stop when you stop.”
And all the suffering and loss of wealth that takes place in the interim? Don’t fucking look at me, I voted for the grown-up.
I tell you what, folks, the All-Night Drumpf Cabinet Grift Disco DOES NOT STOP! Ryan Zinke, in a bid to reclaim the coveted Golden Toilet Seat (Signifying “most frivolous waste of taxpayer money”) from Dr. Ben “I don’t sit in no peasant chairs” Carson, decided there was no finer use for $139,000 than a shiny new door for his office!
I gotta say, I’m curious as to just what a six-figure door looks like. Best be some Lorenzo Ghiberti shit.
And now I see Kim Jong Un has invited Littlefinger over for an Assclown Summit! They can talk about hair care products and having family members murdered!
Seriously though, the horrifyingly repressive monsters of the North Korean regime have played Donnie Dotard’s ego like a fiddle, and he’s giddily giving them the legitimacy they’ve always craved. Nice work, genius.
Fuckhead was all proud of himself, too. Popped his head into the briefing room earlier to boast about the pending news, like a toddler who finally shit on the floor instead of in his pants.
Anyway, if the Poo Mistake does wind up in a bilateral meaning with Un, expect him to barter away half the Pacific fleet, and probably Hawaii. But oh, you won’t believe the shininess of the beads he gets in return!
Ok. I’m pretty sure I missed a couple things today, lots on my plate. Forgive me, Shower CapTives, I’ll be more thorough soon enough!
*Second FFJ joke in Shower Cap Blog history! You know I’ll be searching for more…