Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
This Week in Hell: Everything is Stupid and Dangerous and I Hate It
I spend way too much time these days watching choosy Republicans choose fascism, for reasons that are awful and terrifying, of course, but also SO FUCKING DUMB. Like, I get the authoritarianism thing, but wouldn’t you rather be ground beneath the jackboot of a despot who’s actually capable of dressing himself? Fuck.
Oh well. May as well chronicle this shit while we wait for the Georgia runoff results to trickle in…
We all knew that once Josh Hawley popped the Senate GOP’s totalitarian meltdown cherry, a tidal wave of perfidious sycophancy was sure to follow, and who better to surf it than Rafael Edward Cruz, with his Peter Parker-like sixth sense for detecting the precise moment his Turd Emperor’s boots require licking? Ted got together with some freedom-loathing chums to write a little letter. It is a very bad letter, full of lies, and Ted should feel bad, because he’s assaulting American democracy, which is a jaggy thing to do.
Ted’s debasing himself for nothing, of course, (seems to be his kink, frankly; nothing else explains that shitty beard) because apparently they don’t teach you at Harvard Law that a toxic rage cult will never in a million years rally around a worm who turned lackey for the guy who publicly disparaged his wife and father. All the work you did, Ted, riling up the crazies in the base, and Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot just yanked ‘em out from underneath ya. I’d ask how it feels to watch a cheap crook effortlessly steal your entire life’s work, but that would involve conversing with you, which strikes me as unpleasant.
I’m writing this on Tuesday night, and the dipshit Republican plot to steal the federal government from the American people is still on the schedule for tomorrow; wear something slutty. Cool of this new House GOP caucus to break their oaths immediately upon swearing them; now we don’t need to waste any time pretending this anti-democratic mob is operating in good faith.
Of course, the question on everybody’s mind tonight is, “precisely how many violent maniacs will answer the President’s call tomorrow, and how much thuggish fuckery will they perpetrate in his name?” because everything is good n’ normal in this, our extremely healthy modern democracy.
Remember when Ohio Governor Mike DeWine was held up as one of the rational, “decent” Republicans? Well, over the last few days he not only parroted Hairplug Himmler’s dangerous voter fraud lies, he signed a new stand your ground law, as well as a truly demented lil’ piece of legislation designed to inflict financial penalties and emotional trauma on women exercising their constitutional right to abortion. Yeah, that’s what moderate, compassionate conservatism looks like these days.
Far from the radical, DeWinean fringe, Nebraska Governor Pete Ricketts announced that the undocumented immigrants who make up a significant chunk of his state’s meatpacking workforce will not be eligible to receive the COVID-19 vaccine, because white supremacy is just so dang important to him that he’s only too happy to sacrifice a few more of his constituents’ lives on its altar.
In a sea of idiotically treacherous lawsuits asking the courts to pretty please throw democracy away forever, Louie Gohmert’s was the dumbest (fella has a reputation to protect, y’know). A quick reminder, for those whose post-election scorecards are an illegible collage of bat guano and right wing gobbledygook by now, Louie proposed replacing the boring ol’ “American citizens select their leaders” system with one where Vice President Pence gets to hand-select which votes count, and when the judge wouldn’t bite, Louie called for violence in the streets, exactly like a Nazi would. I bet Xmases at the Gohmert household were…challenging.
At the risk of offering advice to the enemy: Republicans, you should make Brad Raffensperger your king, because he seems to be the only member of your generally browbeaten party who understands what Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “I’d sell my own mother into slavery for a better seat on a five-minute bus ride”) actually is.
Brad, it seems, has witnessed enough defenestrations to know better than to slip dutifully into the line for the penthouse. Utilizing what suddenly seems like extremely basic common sense, (clearly not a conservative value these days) he recorded his phone call with Gameshow Göring, gifting himself a nifty little insurance policy against the inevitable wave of angry tweets once he refused to commit honey bunches of unlikely-to-succeed felonies on behalf of a floundering would-be dictator.
The call itself is fucking fabulous, providing a front-row seat as the Shart of the Deal demonstrates his legendary negotiating prowess. That walnut-sized brain simply cannot process how anyone could possibly stand up to his withering Repeat a Lie Several Times at Varying Volumes tactic; it always works on Mike Pompeo. The empty threats are pretty great, too, but it’s the BEGGING I like best. Real Wormtongue-level groveling, and I looooooooove it when we get to see what a whimpering slug Mr. Strongman truly is at heart. Cool cult of personality you got there, MAGA nation.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes has officially been voted Most Likely to Pawn the Presidential Medal of Freedom For Bail Money, because Boss Shart figures further defiling the nation’s highest civilian honor is cheaper than sending his most loyal stooges holiday fruit baskets. Gym Jordan’s getting one, too, and I guess if you value the esteem of the shittiest man alive, you’re welcome to it.
And of course, nothing shrieks Healthy-Ass Democracy quite like every living former Secretary of Defense joining hands to sing in one voice Kumbaya Also Everybody Back at the Ol’ Pentagon Knows Not to Follow Any Unconstitutional Orders, Right? While I’ve grown accustomed to the strangeness of my bedfellows over the last four years, (sometimes Bill Kristol is the big spoon, sometimes it’s me) I was unprepared emotionally for this PREACH, DICK CHENEY moment. Presumably, after an indeterminate number of showers, I will someday feel clean again.
Team Treasonweasel is somehow still finding innovative new ways to lose in court, though the last lingering legal dingleberries are so far down the Sidney Powell/Lin Wood wackadoo rabbit hole that Rudy’s gibbering rant behind Four Seasons Total Landscaping suddenly seems like oration worthy of Daniel Webster in comparison. One judge even threatened the lawyers who filed one of these maliciously frivolous (malivolous?) suits with discipline; I predict punishing these seditious freaks will be a helluva lot more fun than listening to ‘em.
I see Republicans in the Pennsylvania State Senate got ahold of Grandpa Goebbels’ keys and decided to take authoritarianism out for a little joyride, refusing to seat Democratic Senator Jim Brewster, though his win has been certified and upheld by the state Supreme Court, because apparently, they’re not quite done digging for some shabby new loophole to thwart the will of the electorate. Personally, I think the GOP is hitting this whole “we despise democracy and want to destroy it” thing a little too hard; it’s getting repetitive and obnoxious, if I’m honest. Try mixing in a little love of country now and then, just for variety’s sake.
Anyway, be sure to do some stretching before bed tonight, you don’t want to injure yourself laughing at Mike Pants’ overdue comeuppance tomorrow. Thought you were gonna emerge from this sewer spotless and rose-scented, didn’tcha, Mikey? Keep your head down, kiss that ass daily, and inherit the cult, easy-peezy, right? Four years of loading up your faux evangelical soul with sin upon sin, and they’ll still despise you as a traitor forever, all because Wee Donnie Dotard bought into something stupid he saw on Parler. Live by the misinformed hate cult, die by the misinformed hate cult, you turd-hearted crotchfungus.
I bet there’s gonna be tons more stupid, dangerous shit going down this week, so I’m gonna go rest up in anticipation. No I’m not. I’m gonna stay up all night drinking and refreshing the goddamn needle. That counts as rest, right?
Hmmmmm…actually, this night might not run as late as I thought…