Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Tom Price Spent $23,715 on this Post, But Jeff Sessions Doesn’t Think It Counts as Free Speech
I tell you folks, shit’s so crazy it’s like we’re playing paintball with bat crap. Shit could only be crazier if, I dunno, the GOP nominated a member of the Taliban to run for an open Senate seat.
…wait, what? (Reads about last night’s Alabama Senate primary runoff.)
Ok. I’m just about done, folks. Anybody know how to hibernate?
(Before we move on, let’s take a quick moment to laugh at Dorito Mussolini’s sad attempt to cover up his ginormous Alabama failure by deleting his tweets endorsing the Quite-Tall-But-Still-Unsuccessful Luther Strange. Does he think we didn’t notice? It’s like 1984 for abnormally unintelligent children.)
Anyhow, is anyone else sick of the dumbfuck GOP base rampaging unchecked around the countryside, fucking up everything in sight like Zombies That Eat Butts Instead of Brains Cuz They Won’t Do What Those Snooty Coastal Elites Tell Them To?
We keep learning more and more about how the Russians used social media ads to influence the election, and it turns out the chief strategy was basically Rile Up the Dumb and the Racist with Obviously Untrue Shit But Don’t Worry They’ll Never Fact Check Anything That Tells Them to Hate the People They Want to Hate. (See Gate, Pizza.)
(Oh, and the left wasn’t immune, as some of Vlad’s Ads aimed to push the ragier bros from the Bernie movement into the waiting arms of Useful Idiot Jill Stein.)
There was a poll out today that says nearly half of all Americans don’t know Puerto Ricans are American citizens, and of that near-half, NINETY-SIX PERCENT are Il Douche backers. “I love the poorly educated” indeed.
I don’t want to be controversial here, but this whole thing where we’re governed by the dumbest and angriest among us doesn’t seem to be working out.
Meanwhile, that dude who wrote a bunch of the Blockhead Right’s favorite fake news stories (Big hits include Obama Was a Gay Muslim & George Soros Pays Protestors) died from an overdose.
You shitty fucker. I hope you go to special hell populated exclusively by the dumbasses you misled, and you spend all eternity trying to get them to hook up your cable.
See that thing where North Koreans are calling up anybody they can get ahold of to figure out whether or not the Tantruming Toddler really wants to start nuclear war? “What’s this fucking idiot thinking?” “DOES he think?” “Is ‘Rosie O’Donnell’ code for some sort of Doomsday Device?”
Our Attorney General has some…interesting ideas about free speech. Ol’ Beauregard doesn’t like it when Librul Antifa Demon(strator)s hold protests saying “White Supremacists Are Bad,” but also that the NFL should make a rule where football players aren’t allowed to mouth (er, kneel) off at work.
See, Milo Yannapedo has speech rights, but Colin Kaepernick doesn’t. Milo’s WHITE, you see.
For extra fun, Sessions had protesters banned from his speech about free speech. Maybe Jefferson just wants to personally select what is and isn’t legally-permitted speech on a case by case basis. Also, he thinks your boss can fire you for being gay. He’s got some sort of patchwork, Mr. Potato Head Constitution, I guess.
The acting head of the DEA is stepping down at the end of the week, because he feels the President of the United States has no respect for the rule of law. And America was like “Yeah, sounds about right, come to think of it I wonder why we haven’t seen more of this,” because we live in such normal, bland, boring, times.
A poppin’ fresh University of Wisconsin-Madison study shows that the Wisco GOP’s voter ID law did exactly what it was intended to; kept enough African-Americans from exercising their voting rights to perpetuate Republican power even as they lost the people’s approval. And thus does Ron Johnson, whose staff won’t allow him to handle grown-up scissors, get to blunder around the Senate floor, loudly wondering where the vending machines are, for six more years.
Hey, Shart, Jr. turned his Secret Service protection back on. Guess he got all those documents shredded. When they make the movie about these fucks, Junior’s not gonna be portrayed as some elegant, Cary-Grant-esque master criminal, y’know?
Puerto Rico looks more and more like Trump’s Katr-WAIT LOOK OVER THERE AT THOSE BLACK GUYS THEY SHOULD KNOW THEIR PLACE AMIRIGHT?
Yup yup, the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s really riding this anthem thing hard.
Word is, Sharty McFly takes his culture warrior role very seriously. Much more seriously than his commander-in-chief role, his steward of the economy role, his legislative shepherd role…Yeah, he’s somehow convinced himself that if he can just force the NFL to shut the black guys up, his base’ll forget about all those silly jobs he promised.
God knows that one fuckhead Pennsylvania fire chief is on board. Fuckhead wants everyone to know how unfair it is that folks are calling him “racist.” That’s like Andrew W.K. getting upset at someone for suggesting he enjoys partying, so fuck Fuckhead Fire Chief.
And yeah, there are still millions of Americans without power or potable water in Puerto Rico. The administration’s strategy for dealing with this humanitarian crisis is…to desperately try to sweep it under the rug! They’re blocking members of Congress from visiting the island, they’re lowering expectations for success, they’re even reminding us that…(sigh) that Puerto Rico is an island, and thus there is an ocean involved.
And of course, they’re trying REALLY REALLY HARD to get us to focus on football players.
There’s a bunch of talk about the Jones Act, which requires goods shipped between…you know what, rather than straight David-Clarke-style plagiarism, why don’t you just read about it here?
Anyway, the Jones Act tends to get waived during national disasters, because, y’know, when it comes to helping people who need help, your first priority tends to be making sure folks get the help they need, wherever it comes from. Assuming you have some semblance of decency.
Ah, but when the people who need the help aren’t white, and when your base doesn’t think they’re even American citizens…well, in that case, especially if you happen to be an exceptionally shitty human being, well, then you might be stupid/cruel enough to say that you’re placing wealthy businessfucker’s interests above the needs of suffering/dying human beings.
Oh, and Kushner’s lawyer got duped by a prankster, because that’s just how we haze Team Shart’s legal team, I guess. Spicey’s lawyering up, so maybe somebody should call them and pretend to have pics of Sean peeing in the bushes while hiding from the press.
Roger Stone sat down for a friendly chat with the House Intelligence Committee, figuring that everyone would be so dazzled by his fancy suit and shiny hair that they wouldn’t notice he wasn’t answering their questions. They noticed, and now Roger’s likely to have earned himself a subpoena of his very own. Nice job, Rog!
We keep learning about all the fun ways Tom Price has been spending our tax money on Tom Price. Private jets to have lunch with your son? MURICA FIRST! Shartboy allegedly isn’t happy, but seems oddly uninterested in firing a guy just cuz he’s burning through fat stacks of the public’s hard-earned cash. Meanwhile, Price has stolen the Lunar Roving Vehicle from the Smithsonian in order to run to Walmart for shaving cream and Funyons.
Hey, speaking of egregious misuse of taxpayer funds, Scott Pruitt‘s merrily billing We the People twenty-five grand for some kind of creepy soundproof booth for his office. I guess Scotty-Boy doesn’t want his trademark moaning to tip off his underlings that he’s wanking to videos of panic-stricken polar bears on melting ice rafts AGAIN.
Oh, and it turns on Pruitt’s taken his share of expensive trips on our dime, too. I liked the old swamp better, is all I’m saying.
Bob Corker announced his retirement from the Senate, opening up what’s sure to be a bloody primary in Tennessee. I bet the GOP runoff comes down to a transplanted Kim Davis and Some Jag Who Promises to Create Jobs by Building a Koran-Burning Factory Outside of Chattanooga.
Corker’s exit is the maraschino cherry on top of Mitch McConnell’s shit week. Even SHARTUS is mocking him behind his back, to which I say, “Back off, making fun of Yertle is appropriating our culture.”
And Don the Con rolled out his Let’s Cut My Taxes, It’s the Whole Reason I Ran, You Stupid Fucking Rubes Plan today.
Now, Smallhands Magoo insists the tax plan won’t benefit him. “Believe me,” he said in his speech today, and I think it’s actually kinda cute that he still imagines anyone trusts him. Drumpf concluded his remarks by inviting the press to follow him into a nearby sewer, insisting “You’ll float too.”
So, his proposition revokes the Alternative Minimum Tax. While Donnie Darko has refused to release his tax returns (and he sure as shit ain’t showing ’em to us now), remember way back when Rachel Maddow got ahold of a few pages? Yeah, you might check out what eliminating the AMT would do for the Grifter in Chief.
And it goes without saying that the Misshapen Traffic Cone wants to eliminate the estate tax, which will benefit his shitty kids to the tune of tens of millions of dollars. Is that really even necessary? I mean, Ivanka’s been paying Eric in potato salad for years now. (He thinks it’s currency, poor dumb kid.)
Anyway, the whole thing blows up the deficit, tosses another ten-ton weight on the wrong side of the inequality see-saw, and actually raises taxes on a bunch of us sucker non-millionaires, but don’t worry…once it kicks in Paul Ryan will happily tell us we can’t afford silly extravagances like “roads” and “education for our children” anymore.
Hilariously, Tangerine Idi Amin threatened Indiana Democrat Joe Donnelly that he’d come to Indiana and campaign against him if he didn’t support the tax bill. The day after the candidate he endorsed got his ass kicked in Alabama. Heh.
It’s like the Cardinals talking shit on the Cubs after the Cubs clinched the division in the Cardinals’ home park, which happened while I was writing this, so forgive me if I take the rest of the night to cling to a little fleeting joy in the shitstorm. Be well, Resisters! Even the Cardinals fans!*
*You sure did lose to the Cubs tonight, though.