Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Trump Flings Poop in Canada, Kim Hides Poop in Singapore, Another Crappy Day of News
Excellent news, Comrades! The Antifa-Canada alliance has been finalized, and the launch of Operation Jade Helm II: Deep State Boogaloo is imminent! Pick up your Soros-issued paycheck at the Pizzagate joint in your neighborhood, and await General De Niro’s orders!
Paul Manafort is collecting federal indictments like he’s playing Pokémon GO! Gotta catch ‘em all, right, Paulie? With new charges of obstruction of justice and conspiracy to obstruct justice, Manafort’s looking at the kind of trouble that even a rich white guy can’t duck (or, the rough equivalent of an African-American teen stealing sneakers).
Oh, and who is Precocious Paul accused of conspiring with? Why, Konstantin Kilimnik, the latest Russian with ties to Putin’s intelligence apparatus! That’s right, campers, Drumpfy’s old campaign manager, colluding with a Russian spy! Add that to Friday’s hearing to revoke his bail for witness tampering, and this asshole is supremely…#Manafucked.
Welcome to day one of Ajit Pai’s new post-net-neutrality world! To continue reading this blog post, please deposit one (1) six pack in Cap’s beer fridge, preferably an IPA, nothing too fruity or distracting.
So, the state of Florida stopped conducting background checks on people applying for concealed-carry permits. For over a year. The whole fucking state. I guess the employee in charge of running the checks got locked out of the system and figured “Meh, we’re only the state where people do bath salts and try to eat other people’s faces, what’s the worst that could happen?” They issued about 300 permits to people who shouldn’t have them, but don’t worry, the official in charge of the department responsible is among the frontrunners to replace Rick Scott as Governor of the whole dang state!
Mitch McConnell threw himself a party, because “the last 16 months have been the single best period for conservative values!” During that time, his party has embraced open white supremacy, ripped hundreds of children away from their families, tried to get a child molester elected to the U.S. Senate, done all it could steal health care from millions of Americans, attacked and alienated our closest allies while coddling dictators, refused to protect the country from a hostile foreign power that attacked (and continues to attack) us, legislatively redistributed massive amounts of money to their donor class, fielded a historic number of Nazi/white supremacist candidates, continuously attacked the rule of law to shield a criminal, lied incessantly while attacking those who tell the truth, and I better stop now or I’ll never finish this fucking post.
Yes Mitch, it has indeed been a remarkable stretch for your movement’s “values.” They haven’t had a run like this since the late 1930’s.
For generations, scholars have wondered “What if diplomacy were conducted, not by learned and experienced leaders, but by spoiled toddlers flinging shit at the walls?” Well, wonder no more! Canada’s gonna be scrubbing the contents of Tangerine Idi Amin’s diaper out of the curtains for weeks to come!
First, Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops threw a tantrum because the mean ol’ western democracies threw his buddy Vlad out of the club just cuz he invaded dumb ol’ Ukraine and killed a few stoopid journalists. Which Russia shouldn’t be punished for, but which is still Obama’s fault.
Then he stumbled around, raging and babbling and venting his greivances, going so far as to suggest he’ll end all trade with our allies, if his demands (based on his totally faulty understanding of international trade) aren’t met, like a dude threatening to blow up a McDonald’s because he can’t get his hair cut there.
So Shartolo Colon shits on our oldest and closest friends while keeping his lips firmly planted on Putin’s ass, like a dumbfuck diplomatic human centipede. At this point, while the Manchurian Manbaby does Russia’s bidding dismantling western alliances, I honestly just hope he was paid well. But knowing the “great dealmaker,” he probably swapped NATO for a well-done steak, a too-long tie, and a 40 oz bottle of hooker pee.
And he showed up late and left early and generally made an ass of himself, but all in all it could have gone worse. He didn’t hump Angela Merkel’s leg, and he even agreed to sign the joint statement. Not exactly We Are the World, but under the circumstances, it’ll do.
But then the minute Sultan Spraytan’s back was turned, that dastardly Justin Trudeau pissed on the American flag, kidnapped Ivanka, and ordered the Canadian Air Force to carpet bomb Seattle, so – oh wait, I’m being told all Trudeau did was give a little speech calmly explaining that he did not care for the new tariffs and would impose retaliatory tariffs of his own? In that case, I think our President may have overreacted a wee bit.
Suddenly he’s rage-tweeting at his Canadian counterpart (so much braver on Twitter than he is face-to-face, isn’t he?) and dispatching Shiny New Replacement Sycophants Larry Kudlow and Peter Navarro to gin up anti-Canada animus on the Sunday Shoz, no doubt prompting MAGA nation to burn all their Bryan Adams cassettes.
Anyhow, Larry and Pete sure did pass their loyalty tests, (the first half, anyway…they have to murder an FBI agent by July 4th. Plus Stephen Miller’s penchant for creative hazing is said to be genuinely disturbing.) dutifully raging about the Canuck menace in terms of betrayal, and even damnation.
Fat Q*Bert boldly announced that he would not extend a Shart House invitation to this year’s NBA champions, days after members of both teams announced they would under no circumstances lend their celebrity and excellence to such a shitty, racist, goon. Peter Navarro is reportedly standing by, prepared to challenge Steph Curry one-on-one should his God Emperor demand it.
Buried in the middle of the traditional weekend Leaked-by-Basically-Everybody Behind-the-Scenes Peek into the Monkey Cage we Call the White House piece, we FINALLY learned how Scott “The Man of 1,000 Scandals” Pruitt manages to hold on to his job; he’s carved out a little space for himself as Boss Turdwaffle’s bitching-about-Jeff-Sessions buddy.
That is some next-level sycophancy there, Scotty! Show up every now and then with bag of cheeseburgers and the willingness to let a doddering old nitwit vent about how unfair it is that the Attorney General isn’t burning down the FBI to protect him, and there’s no abuse of the public trust that won’t be gently overlooked. I salute you, sir. When the bombs fly, I expect two survivors: roaches, and Scott Pruitt.
…but I repeat myself.
And there’s the Historic North Korea Summit/Commemorative Coin Sale Extravaganza. Having successfully given a tyrannical mass-murderer the long-craved legitimacy of standing alongside the American President as an equal (In exchange precisely jack shit, the Shart of the Deal strikes again!), the Poo Mistake won’t bring up human rights violations, not even in a casual, “Brah. Do me a solid and shut down a forced labor camp or two, just for Christmas” kind of way. I don’t know that we should be surprised, he doesn’t give a shit about the people in THIS country.
Kim Jong-un, a petty little clown so broke he had to borrow a plane to get to Singapore and so paranoid he’s traveling with his own personal toilet so that nobody can pick through his shit, apparently surprised Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet by announcing an earlier-than-expected departure, leading President Rube to scramble and bump up his own travel plans. Played like a fiddle by a third-world tyrant. It’s like losing at Connect Four to a 3-year old…guinea pig.
McClatchy reports that several Putin-connected Russian bigwigs were in contact with the NRA during the 2016 election, fueling speculation that America’s least favorite terrorist non-profit organization laundered oligarch rubles to support a certain bloated treasonweasel’s campaign. Mueller, as we already knew, is investigating. Me, I’ve got a vision of Wayne LaPierre’s perp walk, and it’s so pornographic that Michael Avenatti is my lawyer now.
John Kelly’s e-mails got hacked while he was Secretary of Homeland Security, and Trey Gowdy immediately ordered hearings into how Trey Gowdy is a sanctimonious hypocrite who pretended to care about e-mail security when he saw an opportunity to drag Hillary Clinton for a bit, but now that his party’s Frankenstein Monster is wrecking havoc around the world, he’s retiring and leaving the mess to others to clean up.
Just kidding. There are no hearings. Except, perhaps, in the lonely early morning hours, in Gowdy Doody’s heart. And probably not even there.
But while we’re on the subject of record keeping, it seems President Crotchvoid has a tendency to just tear official documents into pieces, which is so obviously, hilariously the act of a career criminal habitually used to destroying evidence, but ANYWAY, we’ve been paying multiple high-salaried public servants to tape them back together because the Presidential Records Act is still a thing. Oh and for good measure, a couple of the records management professionals who handled the taping were recently fired without warning or explanation. Just the latest totally normal thing from our super normal, nothing-whatsoever-to-hide administration.
This morning, Merrick Garland authored the majority opinion in a Supreme Court decision overturning Ohio’s voter purge law, JUST KIDDING it turns out that a bunch of swing state voters thought it was so important to cast a protest vote for some third party shithead that they were willing to be accessories to Mitch McConnell’s theft of a SCOTUS seat, and so Neil Asslicking Gorsuch cast the deciding vote instead, and now Republicans have enshrined this vote suppression technique into the very fabric of American law!
As we debate Robert De Niro’s use of a naughty word, I find myself in the midst of my own deep personal struggle with obscenity. After months of running this humble poo joke blog, I feel hopelessly overwhelmed in my quest to find a word profane enough to describe the smug, smiling evil of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. I need something…German. Something with guttural retching sounds and umlauts and seven or eight syllables.
Y’know, even the most ambitious bigots would probably call it a day after reshaping the nation’s border law enforcement into a machine that rips children away from their parents and throws them in cages, but Jeff is a genuine exemplar of hatred. Now he’s issued a sweeping overhaul of asylum policy, withdrawing eligibility from victims of gang and domestic violence, condemning untold thousands to God knows what fate.
What depravity. What abomination. Just a few days after we learned a recently-deported high school student was murdered in Mexico. After we were told the horrifyingly tragic story of the Honduran father who committed suicide after Border Patrol agents took his son from him.
With any halfway decent human being, you’d wonder How the Fuck Can You Sleep at Night, Having Caused Such Misery, but you know Sessions will tuck himself in under his Confederate flag comforter, warmed by the thought of having carved out a little more of the world for mediocre white dudes like himself.
And now I see Jar-Jar and Princess Ivanka netted a cool $82 million in income last year, swapping state secrets and our nation’s foreign policy for trademarks and cold hard cash. Meanwhile, the administration wants to make it legal for insurance companies to deny customers with pre-existing conditions again. All those extra dead people won’t need money, so I suppose we might as well pass it over to the governing grifter family!
Anyway, Shartboy’s in the middle of his summit now. Hope he doesn’t swap your hometown to North Korea in exchange for a crayon drawing of Kim Jong-un throwing a bomb in a trash can!
PS – At the very moment I publish tonight, Dennis Rodman is on TV, crying over his buds Drumpf and Kim getting together, and shilling something called “potcoin.” Real life, folks…REAL. LIFE.