Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Why’re all these White Supremacists So…Y’know…Shitty?
I’m a little extra loopy tonight, chums. I assume that’s cuz I mixed a little asbestos into my customary six-pack. Carcinogenic? Perhaps. But it’s one helluva party.
Just to get the shitty news out of the way early, white supremacist megagrifter KKKris KKKobach, despite all his dishonesty and racist fuckery, squeaked through GOP primary in Kansas, and may just be the next Governor. In hindsight, that truth or dare game where we challenged the Sunflower State to find a bigger bastard than Sam Brownback was a mistake. In eight years, the Governor of Kansas is going to be an actual colon tumor, wearing two lapel pins: one gaudy, sparkly, American flag, and one that just says “whites only.”
Most of the other recent election news has been excellent, however. Dem turnout is through the roof. We’re nominating fantastic, strong, candidates everywhere we need to, and breaking barriers along the way. And yeah, this is where I pimp Shower Cap’s Action Guide to the Goddamn Midterms. Meet your candidates. Pick your favorites, and work your ass off to get ‘em elected!
Plus, we got to watch Tim Pawlenty fail again, and like Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked, I am ALWAYS down for that. Seriously, I feel like there should be national holiday dedicated to laughing at T-Paw and his milquetoast, comically out-of-touch, campaign style. We should figure out a way to send him to Pleasantville. He’d be ok there.
Sarah Huckleberry Slanders, who you’ll remember was allegedly persecuted by a stand-up comic who called her a liar, stood in front of the American people and claimed her Turd Emperor had created more jobs for African-Americans in a year and a half than Obama did in 8 years, plus he freed the slaves and wrote half the tracks on The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiies.
There’s more Omarosa shit, of course. I think we need to resign ourselves to the fact that “Omarosa shit” is a fact of life now. Thousands of years from this moment, she will be a brain in a jar, still doling out recordings of Reince Priebus ordering sandwiches or Scaramucci farting on Obama’s portrait.
That said, watching this freakish little clown make the most powerful man on Earth dance and squirm is…not super comforting, is it? And then you find out Orange Julius Caesar is trying to get Jeff Sessions to arrest her? Can something be horrifyingly fascist and ridiculously hilarious at the same time? I hope Mel Brooks sticks around long enough to make The Producers II…
Anyhow, today she released a tape of Lara Trump apparently offering her a fat stack of hush money, to be paid out of MAGA nation’s worshipful donations. Money well-spent, rubes. Hope ya don’t wind up needing the spare cash when the Dumbfuck Trade War sends your job overseas.
If you’re Donald J. Trump (the “J” stands for “General Kelly cuts the crusts off my sandwiches”), you have a problem; you’re the most hated man on Earth because you’re malicious, stupid, selfish, and incompetent. There’s not a lot you can do about that. BUT you’ve got another problem; your crooked underlings keep generating embarrassing headlines, as they’re constantly getting caught in increasingly-bizarre acts of corruption. (Shit, they’re still cleaning the cum stains out of Scott Pruitt’s creepy little soundproof booth.) That one, you can fix.
You could demand accountability from your people. You could stop hiring people with criminal inclinations. You could announce zero tolerance for your appointees wasting taxpayer money.
OR…you could try to gut the funding for the Inspector General offices that have been uncovering all this shit in the first place! Whoever thought it was a good idea to put the crooks in change of hiring the cops…you’re grounded, dude. No XBox for a month.
Speaking of high-ranking Shart Administration grifters, Ryan Zinke is a fucking moron. Cowboy Z says that while climate change is a big fat hoax, “environmental terrorist groups” are real, and THEY’RE the ones to blame for California wildfires. In all fairness, Ryan probably doesn’t have a whole lot of time to keep up with the latest science these days, what with the 11 different federal investigations into his misconduct that he’s juggling.
Pissant Pol Pot revoked John Brennan’s security clearance, because he’s pathetic and petty, and doesn’t understand that doing so reveals his insecurity, his weakness, and his all-consuming, crippling fear. Can’t speak for any of y’all out there, but having a perpetually-terrified President is not my favorite thing.
Anyway, while his staff regurgitated some horseshit justification for the move, Government Cheese Goebbels himself told the Wall Street Journal he did it because of the Russia investigation, just the latest extremely public confession of obstruction of justice. The institutional Republican Party responded with their customary deafening silence.
…I confess, I’m increasingly impressed with Paul Ryan. Think about it. How can he hold his hands over both ears while his thumb is simultaneously up his own ass? HOW?!?!?!?
Anyway, if op-eds were wedgies, Brennan’s response in the Failing New York Times was so atomic, he not only pulled the Candycorn Skidmark’s underpants all the way over his head, but achieved an additional half-lap, attaching the elastic waistband to the end of his too-long necktie.
And then along came Admiral William H. McRaven, commander of the raid that killed Bin Laden, with an op-ed of his own. Continuing the wedgie metaphor, Admiral McRaven essentially strapped a Patriot missile to Wee Don’s tighty-whities and launched him into the goddamn stratosphere. “MY security clearance is Spartacus!” proclaimed the Actual American Hero to the Bonespur Buttplug, who would surely have withered away in shame, were he capable of shame.
We all enjoyed a hearty chuckle when we saw one of the braindead nincompoops on Fux n’ Frauds celebrate America’s famous victory over “Communist Japan,” which may have occurred in a Bill O’Reilly novel, but certainly not in the real world. See, you’re laughing right now, but in a few seconds, it’ll begin to dawn on you that this is the program the President of the United States watches religiously, treating it like a fountain of pure truth and trusting it more than he does the entire American intelligence community. Not so fuckin’ funny now, is it?
WaPo let us peek behind the curtain, into the home lives of Kellyanne “I am propaganda minister to a wannabe fascist tyrant” and George “Look, I’m a Republican but my WHOLE soul isn’t dead” Conway. Pretty typical rom-com stuff, with the bickering couple pretending to be off-the-record sources attacking one another’s point of view. They are, as a friend put it, “the T.J. Maxx version of James Carville and Mary Matalin.” Anyhow, Julia Roberts will produce and star.
Hey, this is really weird coincidence, authorities are looking at closing down 7 of 9 voting locations in a predominantly-black Georgia district ahead of November’s surprisingly-competitive election! Why no, similar efforts do not seem to be under consideration in white-majority districts, WHY DO YOU ASK?
(I’m fairly certain that whenever Republicans gather, at things like CPAC or gun loon conventions, they stay up late, making s’mores from overpriced Dean and Deluca ingredients, trying to frighten each other with scary stories, where the twist at the end is always about minorities voting.)
Hey Shower Captives, wanna do something a little lighter for a change? Grab yourself a beer, and let’s laugh at some white supremacists together.
Leading the No Red Noses Because Our Makeup is All White clown parade is Jason “What if You Threw a Klan Rally and Nobody Came” Kessler, who was doing some pathetic Nazi internet ranting when his Dad yelled at him to stop being a Nazi in his house because Jason Kessler lives with his parents. Nothing says “master race” quite like “grown-ass man with a curfew and chores because he can’t pay his own rent,” right?
…are you ok? You may have laughed so hard that you pulled a muscle, or perhaps even ruptured your diaphragm. Maybe you should stretch or something.
Let’s ease up a bit. Alex Jones losing yet another platform is still pretty funny, but not quite Nazi-in-mom’s-basement funny. Still, in a couple weeks, we’ll be reading about Alex trying to run off some copies of a flyer about false flags, or the tyranny of yogurt, at a Kinko‘s*, and his credit card’ll be declined, and he’ll literally combust.
Sticking with this topic…Tucker Carlson hates litter. And by litter, he means “illegal immigrants.” YEAH. In the middle of one his trademark slack-jawed bonehead rants about plastic straws of some shit, Liar Tuck tossed off that lil’ gem of casual dehumanization, the way a normal human being might decline an offer to add two apple pies to their meal for just 99 cents. Chilling.
HOW THE HELL CAN TUCKER CARLSON, OF ALL PEOPLE, BE A WHITE SUPREMACIST????? Look at the guy. He looks like a play-doh man you left outside and forget about until you randomly stumbled across it the next summer. If you’re so damn superior, m’man, how have you spent your entire time on this earth without ever once successfully delivering instructions to a barber or hair stylist?
And the white-anxiety-stoking machine we call Fox News commemorated the passing of the mighty Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, as only they could; by LITERALLY PAIRING THEIR OBITUARY WITH A PHOTOGRAPH OF PATTI FUCKING LABELLE, in possibly the single most Fucking of Course They Did story in human history.
No doubt you’ll be stunned to learn that the Shart of the Deal has once again failed to deliver a project at the promised cost. This time it’s the Big Dumb Military Parade, initially quoted at a still-ridiculous 20 million bucks, which now will cost at least $92 million.
So, we don’t have the resources to reunite the families we separated at the border. We can’t fix the water in Flint. We couldn’t afford to help the American citizens in Puerto Rico, so we left hundreds to die. But the Insecure Manchild Ego Trip budget is limitless. Cool.
(Oh, and while I was workin’ up this post, news broke that the whole shebang has been postponed anyway, because of course it has. They’ll finally figure out how to pull this shit off sometime in Kamala Harris’ second term, and she’ll go “why the fuck are you still working on this garbage?”)
Vulnerable Republican CongressJag Rodney Davis made some headlines this week, as one of his dirtbag staffers got hammered, stalked and pestered his opponent at a fundraiser, got evicted, and became physically violent. The future of the GOP is secure! (Anyhow, if you feel like standing up to this particular violent dipshit, toss a lil’ donation Betsy Dirksen Londrigan’s way.)
I’ll leave you with one last story. Today, the editorial boards of hundreds of newspapers across the country came together to speak out in defense of the free press, and against the Dime Store Dictator’s ongoing assaults on their work. I couldn’t possibly link all the pieces, but I hope you’ll track down your local paper’s version. The President, who hates, loathes, and fears the truth, responded as you knew he would; by attacking the press yet again.
Y’know, I didn’t really appreciate the work journalists do until Sharty McFly came along. I took them for granted. I appreciate the hell out of them now. When we finally pull our country out of this nightmare, the press will deserve the lion’s share of the credit. I hope you’ll take a moment today to use your platform, however great or small, to express your appreciation for everything the free press does. They’re heroes. Fucking heroes.
Well. Not Chris Cillizza, obviously.
*Hey, I guess Kinko’s doesn’t exist anymore. Who knew?
PS, let me drop my own lil’ Aretha Tribute:
What you know
Mueller’s got it
What you hide
You know he’s got it
Now you’re waitin’
Until you get impeached when he gets done (gonna go to jail)
Hey dirtbag (gonna go to jail) when he gets done
(Gonna go to jail) Mister President (gonna go to jail)
Shake your tiny fists in rage
Get your ass offstage
Oh (lock him up and lock him up and lock him up and lock him up…)