Hey, Happy Indictment Day, everyone! I’m partaking of the traditional Indictment Day IPA Six-pack…if this post mysteriously cuts off halfway through, it’s because I’ve passed out on my keyboard, hammered and cackling.

Before we enter the atmosphere to conduct a thorough exploration of Planet Schadenfreude, let’s take a moment to appreciate Joy Reid’s one-woman, two-fisted, journalism school master class.

Are you paying attention, The Rest of the Media? This is what we need from you, cuz Team Shart’s last lingering hope is a massive misinformation campaign. So don’t Both Sides that shit, don’t give us “Fuckhead #6 says Hillary Clinton eats kittens,” be like Joy Reid, and demolish Fort Horseshit with the Righteous Wrecking Ball of You’re Just Making Stuff Up, And I SEE YOU, ASSHOLE.

Jared Kushner‘s being investigated in Maryland for being a slumlord, that’s fun. If one of Obama’s (or even W’s) chief advisors found themselves under investigation for being a slumlord, the world would’ve ground to a halt. Now we’re like, “Yeah, yeah…call me when you dig up the hooker graveyard.”

I guess we can appreciate this profile of John Boehner in retirement. I just skimmed it, but I guess he says Jason Chaffetz and Jim Jordan are assholes (HOT TAKE, JOHN! You’re all assholes.), somebody held a knife to his throat once, and I guess he spends all day writing spec scripts for an Andy Griffith Show relaunch, and cooking meth. Who the fuck cares? Boehner’s a bag of festering shit. Just because there are somewhat larger bags of festering shit around now doesn’t make Boehner less of a bag of festering shit.

Puerto Rico canceled the too-corrupt-to-believe-even-by-fucking-Drumpf-era-standards contract with Cowboy Z’s hometown buds. Everybody’s basically sitting around hoping that with all the various shitstorms going on, there just won’t be any lawyers left to dig too deeply into just how this ridiculous grift got set up in the first place.

And some of the “white lives matter” jagoffs spilled over from their pathetic little cosplay march in Tennessee to gang up on an interracial couple in a nearby restaurant, because I guess Shitty White Supremacist Loser Terrorism is just a thing we let happen now.

Seems some member of the Master Race decided to demonstrate his genetic superiority by punching a woman in the face. Hey, Dickless. Bring your show to Chicago some time. I’ll give you the names of a few bars to walk into. Try pulling your shit there. See what happens.

The Marmalade Shartcannon was administered a particularly sturdy taint punt by today’s Gallup poll, hitting a new low, with a mere 33% approving, and 62% opting for “Fuck that spraytanned sack of liposuction fat, he suxxxx.”

And that was BEFORE the big news hit.

That news, of course, was the start of the Bundy Ranch standoff trial.

Anyhow, I think that’s everything, Resisters! I’ll check in later in the week, and don’t forget to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!!!

…

…

What, did I miss something?

Oh, you mean the indictments? No, I’ve been assured by most powerful men and women in the country that the whole Mueller thing’ll be wrapping up any minute now, and that it’s a big ol’ nothingburger anyway.

I mean, if y’all want a make a big deal out of the President of the United States’ former campaign manager (and his faithful stooge) being indicted on 12 charges, I guess I can’t stop you from getting caught up in the LAMESTREAM LIBTARD MEDIA’S CONSPIRACY TO COVER UP BENGHAZIURANIUMANVINCEFOSTERGATE, you CUCKS!

In all honesty, it was almost kind of a letdown at first, right? We had the whole “Tune in Monday to see just who the lucky indictee will be!” teaser Friday night, and we had a whole weekend to fantasize about, say, Stephen Miller locking himself in a West Wing bathroom, hiding from the FBI, crying about how he’s not ready to go prison for life, for Christ’s sake, no woman since his mother has seen his bare shoulders!

But you knew it was gonna be Manafort. We’ve read about all the shit he’s neck-deep in for months now, and the safe money was always on Manafort being the first domino.

So you saw it was Manafort, and I guess his loser sidekick who you haven’t thought about much, and it was like “That’s cool, it’s good news, but I hope the next episode has more dragons or something, because this show’s getting predictable.”

…and that’s about when you noticed that OTHER indictment.

“George Papadopoulos? I read something about him a while back, what’s this about?”

…oh….OH!

He’s already pleaded guilty? To lying to the FBI? Over contacts with Russia? While working for the Trump campaign? And there’s all sorts of shit in there about other high-ranking officials bein’ in the loop on the treasonous shenanigans?

Well shit. Looks like we got ourselves a ballgame here.

Cuz now, attempted collusion is proven. Confessed to. We already had that with the famous Dumbass, Jr. meeting, but now we know this whole campaign was just THIRSTY FOR TREASON.

And consensus rapidly developed that Papadopoulos, a small fish, almost certainly wore a wire for Mueller, and surely delivered the goods on some of the major players, or we wouldn’t have learned about his plea today.

So just IMAGINE the paranoia engulfing this gang of bumbling crooks today. A few of them understand they’ve fucked themselves thoroughly over via conversations with Little Papi, which they only now understand were recorded, and snugly rest in Mueller’s hands.

The rest? Well, who knows who’s flipped and who hasn’t? Does anybody imagine that a gimpy tapeworm like Reince Priebus hasn’t cracked?

So Sam Clovis is in trouble. (And not just for potential heart health issues! I don’t want to body-shame on a progressive blog, but good golly Sam! You look like you wash down your breakfast plate of gravy and gravy with a tall glass of Crisco, ya fat fuck!) Clovis is likely the unnamed “supervisor” in the Papaderpaderp indictment. Manafort seems to be in additional trouble here as well. And Corey Lewandowski may be caught in this particular dirtbag-trap as well, HEE FUCKIN’ HEE.

And of course we have the now-famous photo of Poopadopeadope sitting happily in a meeting with the Shart himself and one Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III. And my god, if this little twerp’s testimony leads to that racist mediocrity’s career ending in disgrace, I’ll build him a fucking statue.

Well, maybe a butter sculpture.

But let us not lose sight of the day’s minutia, for the time shall surely come when we will be asked to recount the finest details of America’s struggle for Her very soul, over evenings of Boxed Wine and Trivial Pursuit. On that day, dear reader, you will be called on to remember just how much American Traitor Paul Manafort fucking loved rugs.

And of course Sarah Huckabee Sanders (Who I saw described today as “The Uncredible Huck,” and you can bet your ass I’m stealing that.) dutifully marched out to sneer at the press and condescendingly proclaim that the indictment of Drumpf’s campaign manager is really an indictment of Hillary Clinton because…reasons.

Oh, and Sanders also pitched the GOP tax plan by plagiarizing an internet forward from fifteen years ago, because that’s the intellectual rigor applied by the executive branch these days.

If you’re looking for a maraschino cherry on your schadenfreude cupcake, may I suggest this Tweet from the account James Comey set up to troll the cheap crook who fired him?

Of course, if you’re looking for an alternative emotional experience, you could poke around in the darker corners of the right wing maniacosphere, where you can find plenty of folks counseling a hard turn to full-out, rule-of-law-shredding fascism. May I recommend Judge Jeanine? Pat Robertson? The Wall Street Journal Editorial Board?

Things were actually awful for Team Treasonweasel OUTSIDE of the Russia Kerfuffle, if you can believe that. Like, your wife’s leaving you for her Pilates instructor, and then you get home to find the basement’s flooded and there’s nothing left of the Halloween candy but Mounds.

First off, a federal judge blocked the Velveeta Urinal Cake’s proposed ban on transgender soldiers, because “I’m absolutely desperate to throw my shitty, hateful, base something resembling a victory” isn’t a constitutionally sound reason for a draft-dodging testicle tumor to steal anyone’s civil rights, turns out.

And Susan Collins, who ain’t afraid of no Shart, laid out her demands regarding the new tax reform legislation, and they are…not compatible with the Ryan/Koch game plan.

See, the GOP was REALLY hoping they’d get away with repealing Obamacare and cutting their donor class’ taxes before the indictments starting flying, but now they’re stuck wearing I Betrayed My Country and All I Got Was the Repeal of a Regulation That Made it Harder For Oil Companies to Bribe Foreign Governments t-shirts.

Anyway, know that Mitch McConnell is scrambling to get as many Deplorables as possible confirmed to federal judgeships before the Treason hashtags start tending in earnest, because Yertle might be a fucker, but he is a savvy fucker. (Unlike Devin Nunes, who is, as longtime readers will already know, merely a Pigfucker.)

And I see Facebook’s all “Hey, yeah…turns out our website got hijacked by a Russian troll farm and basically they used us to spread fake news that was probably seen by more or less half of the country during the election, soooooooo…our bad?”

…deploying social media trolls to weaponize our blossoming moron crop. Looking back now, it seems obvious. Tragically, embarrassingly, obvious.

Of course you knew you’d see a whole swarm of those sourced-by-sixty-five-off-the-record-leakers stories about Smallhands McNopenis throwing his usual self-pity-and-hair-tonic-fueled tantrums. Well, pick your poison.

Golly it’s fun watching SHARTUS’ dwindling circle of defenders melt down in the wake of the indictments. Sean Hannity and Noot Gingrich are frantically, pathetically spinning, even as I write this. And Carter Page? Fuck only knows what’s going on in Carter Page’s head. That boy could get lost in his own shower.

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, IVANKA! Your whole shitty family is colossally fucked, we’re about to discover what traitorous shitsacks you all are, your family name will be a curse word and punchline for generations, your GremlinDork husband’s going to jail, the money will all disappear, and you’ll spend the rest of your days loathed and shunned by decent people everywhere.

If it makes you feel any better, Princess, you’ll probably look back on today as one of the good days. Comparatively.

Hope there was cake today, is all I’m sayin’.

PS – Golly, I guess John Kelly decided to really lean in to his heel turn tonight. Fuck that guy. There’s plenty of room on the trash heap of history, General.