Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Bob Mueller May Be Watching the Pee Tape RIGHT NOW
Holy fuck, the madness is an inch thick in the air these days. If this blog post cuts out suddenly, it’s because I’m walling myself up in the cellar with the Amontillado, and I don’t know when the wifi will cut out.
So let’s jump right into the deep end of the pool, even though the water looks…questionable.
The nation shudders as we wrap up the second harrowing day of Morongate, excuse me, FuckingMorongate.
Yes, Low-T Rex had the temerity to refer to the President of the United States using terminology we here at this blog would NEVER utilize…because it’s way, WAY too fucking tame.
Call me when James Mattis gets caught on tape calling Drumpfy a Dickless, Shit-for-Brains, Piss-Coated, Gas Station Bathroom Plunger, and we’ll talk, is all I’m sayin’.
Anyway, Rexy’s making noise about resigning, but (and this is a hoot), he wants to hang on for a full year, because he’ll pay a tax penalty if he doesn’t. And what do you do here? Tillerson is a legendarily shitty Secretary of State, but at least he seems to think starting a nuclear war is a bad idea (ah, how the bar has lowered these last few months). And then you have to wonder who La Grande Sharte would replace him with…John Bolton? Scott Baio? Nero’s Ghost?
There’s supposed to be some sort of “suicide pact” between Tillerson, Mnuchin and Mattis, where they’d all quit if Shart Garfunkel tried to fire any one of them, I guess? Golly. Who would pay for Steve Mnuchin to fly his trophy wife around the country if Rex got fired? You gotta factor in the collateral damage, people
So, John Kelly’s phone got hacked, that’s fun. It’s kinda weird how congressional Republicans howled at the top of their lungs about the digital security of a certain ex-Secretary of State’s private e-mail server, but seem curiously uninterested in the issue lately. I just can’t figure that one out. But then, I’ve been drinking the shit out of this Amontillado.
Boy, Bob Corker’s enjoying the freedom that comes with Never Having to Run For Fucking Office Again, isn’t he? Suddenly he’s gallivanting about town, gleefully describing the handful of grown-ups working in the executive as a barrier between the country and “chaos.”
(My sources tell me General Kelly was unsuccessful in keeping the President from learning of Corker’s remarks, but he was able to prevent him from discovering the correct definition of “chaos.”)
Princess Ivanka, and her pet/husband, Jared Kushner, have been fined for failure to submit their required ethics disclosures yet again. I bet that 200 bucks whips those two crooks right into shape. Good job whoever worked out that particular penalty.
Speaking of the Clown Prince and Princess of crime, ProPublica dropped a piece about how they were juuuuuuuuust about to be indicted for one of the shitty grifts their cheap crook dads taught them, when Drumpf family lawyer Marc Kasowitz fed the Manhattan D.A. a fat campaign donation and got the case dismissed.
And wouldja believe the D.A. in question, one Cyrus Vance, Jr., also accepted a sizable donation from Harvey Weinstein’s lawyer after dropping a sexual assault case against ol’ Harv? More on that in a moment…
Jeff Sessions, that cartoon-eared exemplar of Straight White Male Mediocrity, reversed the Justice Department’s position on job protections for transgender Americans, because civil rights is just for white folks, at least while Ol’ Beauregard’s on the job. You sort of expect Sessions to replace DoJ’s Civil Rights Division with a vending machine that sells nothing but Charleston Chew.
Congresshypocrite Tim Murphy resigned, over the whole abortions-should-be-legal-but-my-mistress-needs-to-get-an-abortion-right-fucking-now thing. Scott Desjarlais’ over in the corner, hoping nobody notices he’s still there.
In an exciting new breaking medical development, hospitals will no longer employ stomach-pumping to purge life-threatening toxins from patients’ systems; instead they’ll simply read this super-gross Buzzfeed article about Bannon, Milo, and Breitbart aloud.
Lord, I’m retching just typing about it. Regular fuckin’ American Horror Story, one day a dude’s reaching out to the Daily Stormer for content, the next, he’s the lead political advisor for the President of the United States.
And Milo has Nazi passwords, I guess? (Milo’s Nazi Passwords sounds like a subpar thrash metal band, doesn’t it?) What’s most amazing here is that none of us are more than a short Facebook/Twitter interaction away from some prick who’ll argue all night long that it’s not fair to call any of these bastards “racist.”
And Littlefinger offered his ex-wife, Ivana, the Czech Republic Ambassadorship. In any other administration, that’s a significant scandal. In this one, you sorta think “Hey, he’s finally filling the ambassador posts, that’s great!”
Well, naturally the lunatic fringe continues spreading conspiracy theories that the violence in Charlottesville was staged by Obamaite forces funded by George Soros in order to make conservatives look bad, but don’t worry, these ideas certainly never wind up parroted by actively serving Republican Congressdopes. HAH HAH FOOLED YOU of course they do.
We also have some novel theories on the causes of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. Jeffrey Lord blames abortion. In a bit of particularly amusing logical gymnastics, Jim Inhofe blames sanctuary cities because…brown people MUST be to blame for an old white dude opening fire on an enormous crowd full of human beings…they just MUST be.
(Oklahoma, have you ever considered asking your Senators to pass fifth grade reading comprehension tests?)
Now, the news from Puerto Rico has been pretty bad; millions of Americans suffering without access to power or drinkable water. This has turned into quite the scandalous problem for the Shart Administration, but FEAR NOT, for they have found a solution; removing the tracking data from the FEMA website!
Shit, between erasing access to unflattering information and screaming Fake Gnus all day long, the Shart House can pretend that Puerto Rico’s got no problems at all, except maybe a Care Bear infestation.
Boisterous Bob Mueller’s team met with Christopher Steele of the famous Steele Dossier. Word is, the intelligence community has been taking the dossier more seriously than they previously let on, isn’t that curious? My working theory is that the Pee Tape is real, but Mueller’s passed it off to Lin-Manuel Miranda to punch it up with a few songs.
Speaking of Mueller, ABC sez he met today “behind closed doors” with the Chief Judge of the D.C. U.S. District Court. I’m sure they were just exchanging recipes, Donnie, don’t worry your little head.
KKKris KKKobach finally had to turn over documents showing just how hard he’s working to keep Americans from exercising their constitutional right to vote. Drumpf’s a wannabe fascist, but he’s lazy…Kobach? He works. Kris Kobach might just be the most dangerous man in America right now. Keep both eyes on him, Resisters.
I tell you what, if things keep going the way they’ve been, we’re gonna need a special section just to round up all the ways these corrupt fucks are spending our tax money on their own private comforts. Maybe I’ll call it Grifter’s Corner, and I’ll get somebody in a dealer’s visor and sleeve garters to walk y’all through it.
Ryan Zinke’s running a 24/7 campaign party on your dollar. Scott Pruitt‘s griftin’ so hard, the EPA Inspector General’s expanding the investigation into his griftin’. Mnuchbag‘s racked up an $800,000 tab of his own. Even Rick Perry’s getting in on the action. And of course, don’t forget Boss Shart himself, pocketing north of 137 grand from the Secret Service just in golf cart rentals for his weekly vacation getaways! Straight from your pocket to his, isn’t that NIFTY?*
We also learned the Man with Phalangeal Stunting intervened personally to deny an ACA stabilization plan proposed by Iowa REPUBLICANS. I’ll give Shartboy one thing; when it comes to shitting on anything with his predecessor’s name on it, he is FOCUSED.
…has anybody thought about, like, giving him a big stack of Obama’s books at the start of each day, to just rip apart, or set on fire, or wipe his ass with, whatever he wants? We might just be able to run out the clock this way…
Anyway. Know that there’s an Iowan or two out there who desperately need health care, and who the President of the United States just basically told “If you wanted to be alive, you shouldn’t have let that black guy laugh at me at the Correspondents Dinner in 2015.”
I kinda don’t even want to talk about the “calm before the storm” thing. Don the Con gets off on that idiot “tune in next week” shit, because he’s a tv host, not a President. I guess I bring it up here and now to tell you that I’m never gonna play along with his verbal clickbait again, so when I don’t mention it next time, that’s why.
Anyway, the Walking Liposuction Bag officially made it so your employer can decide that you’re too much of a filthy sex-having hoor to have your birth control covered by your health insurance. They went so far as to openly talk about birth control promoting “risky sexual behavior” like female autonomy and ankle-showing and what have you. This must be that “small government” the conservatives are always going on about.
And congrats are in order for the Marmalade Shartcannon, as his approval hit a brand spankin’ new record low today! 32%, with 67% disapproving! Shit, Donnie…tonight you can have THREE scoops. And since you’ve fallen to just 67% approval among REPUBLICANS, well…have yourself some sprinkles.
Tangerine Idi Amin rage-tweeted at the Dem candidate for Virginia governor, Ralph Northam (kick him a few bucks), something about how he runs drugs for MS-13 and picks locks at your daughter’s college dormitory so roving ISIS gangs can rape the co-eds or something. Hey, blatant dishonesty got you all the way to the White House, why change now?
Harvey Weinstein turns out to be a gross old pervert, and fuck his pervy ass, but do all the conservatives taking a victory lap remember they elected the Krotch Klaw President?
Meanwhile, the Democratic Party pretty much immediately went “Hell with that guy,” and gave all his donations to women’s charities. (Sean Spicer has been particularly exuberant on the Electronic Twitter Machine, as though he weren’t the Propaganda Minister for a serial sexual abuser.)
Hey, Roy Moore’s biggest donor wants the South to Rise Again and secede and start the kind of “Christian” nation where they stone gays to death and there are certainly no black Presidents and it’s probably even some poor woman’s job to give Steven Miller a handy once a week.
Dear GOD I wish that race was happening ANYWHERE but Alabama. Still, it’s closer that it has any right to be…do Shower Cap a solid and send a few bucks Doug Jones’ way, will ya?
We’re told Il Douche is about to decertify the Iran deal, over the objections of the entire national security apparatus, who have yet to figure how to adapt to the “Obama was for it so we’re against it” maneuver that Stephen Miller applies to great effect whenever he wants to fuck over non-white folks.
Of course, Tom Cotton is all for it, because after all, dropping bombs on unsuspecting brown people is the last remaining thing capable of brining Tommy’s dusty, withered, penis to even half-mast.
And a former Apprentice producer told NPR there are all kinds of tapes in some warehouse someplace of Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet saying all kinds of racist, misogynistic, anti-Semitic, shit. This surprises nobody at this point. Hell, if we unearthed these tapes, whatever horrific garbage he spews would just wind up on signs and buttons and t-shirts at the next Feverish Gathering of Shitty White People, excuse me “Campaign Rally.”
Now, you just KNEW there was no way the Shart could pull off a Hispanic Heritage Month event without embarrassment, but even I wasn’t prepared for his, um, “accent,” holy hell. At least Kelly activated the shock collar before he launched into his West Side Story cabaret act.
CNN reports that General Kelly has, in 3 short months, been reduced to sitting at his desk, mumbling how he’s “getting too old for this shit,” because Shart Wrangling is a tough, tough job. It’s like that bit in KRAMER VS KRAMER, only instead of making breakfast, you’re trying to prevent global thermonuclear war.
And now Axios (those gossipy rapscallions) reports that Lil’ Donnie No-Significant-Legislation called up Chuck (of “Chuck & Nancy” fame) to talk health care, and Hill Republicans are all sad because they really REALLY want to murder a bunch of poor folks, and Chuck n’ Nancy never want to play any poor-murdering games.
Anyway, I had no idea Amontillado could fuck up your shit this bad, so I’m just gonna curl up in the corner and hope that I wake up in 2021 now…wish me luck!
*Editor’s note: No, it is not nifty.
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