Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Happy Presidents Day, Ya Filthy Animal: On Decency, Disco, and Doping While Curling
Well, because the Deep State fears my work, they have infected me once again with the stomach flu. I’ve vomited on this blog post several times. I did my best to clean it up, but make sure to sanitize your screen after reading.
It doesn’t feel right to celebrate Presidents Day this year, not with this President. You shouldn’t get the day off school, there should be extra school. We should all have to mine coal for five hours while the PA system broadcasts a documentary on the dangers of fake news, narrated by Gilbert Gottfried.
The level of day-to-day fuckery is so high with this malicious clown, it seems to take something truly obscene to genuinely shock us anymore.
Well, Donald J. Trump, (The “J” stands for “No way ’empathy’ is a real word, General Kelly, you just made that up!”) bitter at being trapped inside his club but unable to golf (wow, there’s a Twilight Zone moment for ya) for two whole days in order to maintain the facade that he gives half a rat’s ass about anybody, least of all the children murdered in Parkland, took to the pneumatic tweeting machine to expose the darkest shit-stained corners of his withered, decaying, soul.
Sure, there was all the anticipated whining, the blame deflection, the nonsensical, dishonest, babbling about Obama and Hillary and the dossier. All that, while deeply humiliating for this nation we love, was, alas, totally expected.
But that wasn’t enough, was it?
No, the Hairplug That Ate Decency, who remains too cowardly to face the the activist survivors of the Parkland shooting, who fled his responsibilities as the nation’s consoler-in-chief by flitting as quickly as possible through a couple of token photo ops with a shiteating grin and a thumbs up, had the audacity to prop up the dead bodies of murdered children as shield to cower behind.
If only the FBI wasn’t spending so much time on the Russia investigation (and even he doesn’t dare call it a hoax anymore, not after the latest indictments), the shooting wouldn’t have happened. That’s the story. The men and women working to protect the country from a hostile foreign adversary are somehow to blame for this senseless act of violence, for they are investigating poor, put-upon, Donald Trump.
God, the obscenity of it.
Won’t say a single word condemning Russia for attacking us. Won’t lift a finger to protect the country he is literally in charge of protecting. Instead, he assaults the nation’s law enforcement for uncovering a crime, using the casualties of an unspeakable tragedy as his cudgel.
He went to a fucking DISCO PARTY rather than meet with anyone who might make him a little bit uncomfortable. A DISCO PARTY.
Fortunately, America is packed to the gills with citizens possessing far greater decency than their President.
The teenage survivors of the shooting are leading the charge, and it’s Capra-on-steroids-level inspiring. They’re calling BS. They’re organizing marches. Others have called for a nationwide school walkout.
You folks just tell me where to stand.
GOP donor Al Hoffman, Jr. says he’s shutting off that sweet cashmoney spigot until Republicans agree to support an assault weapons ban. Rick Scott, drenched with sweat and freaking out from withdrawal, was all “C’mon, man, just a taste, we’re friends,” but so far Al has held firm. Here’s hoping a few more follow his example.
Meanwhile the usual suspects are deploying their usual tactics, hoping to deflect the outrage until the nation moves on. Everybody’s blaming their own personal favorite scapegoat.
The religious right blames America’s declining morality, while circling the wagons around the pussygrabbing traitor.
Jeff Sessions helpfully suggests gangs had something to do with a man who was not in a gang committing mass murder.
And Steve Bannon probably blames the rising cost of gin. Who the fuck cares what these bought-and-paid-for lackeys say? Push them out of the way, especially when we VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, and let’s build a world where nobody has to listen to some blathering idiot claiming armed teachers and bulletproof backpacks are the answer EVER AGAIN.
And of course, no shooting tragedy is complete without the jibbering maniacs of the far-right declaring the whole thing was massive false flag staged conspiracy! I think it says a lot about a person when they can’t understand why someone would speak out against guns after their teachers and classmates were murdered.
Some people actually care…about other people. Shocking, I know.
Oh, and getting back to the unfiltered indecency for a minute, a White House official even expressed gratitude for the massacre, because it forced the Rob Porter scandal out of the headlines, and gave Team Obscene a little “reprieve.”
Jesus Fuck. What’s truly disgusting is, that off-the-record official is totally right. John Kelly should absolutely be fired for giving a serial domestic abuser access to classified intel when he couldn’t get a security clearance, but Florida took the heat off. LUCKY BREAK, HUH, GENERAL?
Y’know what disqualifies you from advising this President? Expertise. In any field. If you know anything about anything, Government Cheese Goebbels doesn’t wanna hear from you.
Y’know what qualifies you to advise this President? Dropping the $200,000 Marm-a-Lago membership fee right into his shitty little pocket, next to the ketchup packets he always keeps handy in case somebody surprises him with a steak.
Looks like Spittle-Drenched Conspiracy-Monger Wayne Allyn Root took advantage of the opportunity, no doubt to urge sensible action. Or wait, maybe he just wants every American school patrolled by flying death robots. Sounds reasonable.
Gosh, I got so caught up exploring the insane state of the gun debate in this country, I almost forgot the thing where the Mueller investigation detailed a massive foreign conspiracy to interfere in our elections, and also the other bit where the President of the United States doesn’t seem to care much.
A Shart House SpokesDope insisted boogeymen like “Democrats” and “the media” were actually much worse than the Russians, because exposing a crime, or working to punish the perpetrators and make sure they don’t do it again is much much worse than committing the crime in the first place. Duh. Law school 101.
Anyway, it’s super fun poking around the embarrassingly-simple troll farm operations that tore our country apart and installed a Broken Down Diaper Service Truck in our most powerful office. “Even the trolls” were surprised at what they could get the armies of enraged rubes to believe.
After Pizzagate, nothing would surprise me. If anybody’s planning a War of the Worlds type radio show, let’s hold off for a more discerning populace, ‘kay?
So Rick Gates will indeed plead guilty and testify against his old partner, Paul, who is now more #Manafucked than ever. Neat.
If we can take a step back for a minute to look at the larger picture…we’ve got THREE high ranking officials on the Drumpf campaign who are now confessed felons, one of whom served as National Security Advisor, with a fourth under indictment.
Somehow we’ve agreed to this narrative where SHARTUS isn’t in any real trouble unless “collusion” is proved, but we have AN ENTIRE CAMPAIGN RUN BY FELONS, and I don’t think people care as much about that as they should.
It seems Scott Pruitt has some sort of special “waiver” that lets him fly first class (at your expense and mine) whenever he feels like going anyplace. My sources tell me this “waiver” comes in the form of a laminated hall pass, and that the other kids in the Cabinet are jealous of Scott for hogging it, and Ryan Zinke is tired of riding in the back with the peasants.
Speaking of the unwashed masses, Donnie Dotard’s budget calls for the elimination of the program that provides heating assistance subsidies to low income citizens, because to Republicans, if you’re poor, you don’t deserve to live.
HA HA WHAT A FUNNY JOKE, CAP, “IF YOU’RE POOR…” oh wait that really is what their whole philosophy comes down to, isn’t it, ha…ha? I wonder how “If you’re poor, you don’t deserve to live” would look on a red ballcap?
And Shartboy, Jr., is taking a little trip to India to see if he can’t parlay access to his gullible dipshit dad into some quick n’ easy cash. Despite not being a government official of any kind, Junior will be delivering a “foreign policy” speech, which will likely consist of showing off the 7th grade geography quiz he finally passed last week.
Pennsylvania Republicans are throwing a shitfit today, and not just because women and black people can vote. Y’see, the state Supreme Court handed down their new congressional district map, and it is no longer Gerrymandered For Their Pleasure. Under the new map, Dems have a good chance to pick up a seat or two or three, which Republicans say is unfair, because on a level playing field, they’ll actually pay a political price for garbage policies.
CNN reports Mueller’s interest in Jared Kushner is growing, which really shouldn’t surprise us. After all, for the first 30 minutes of the movie, Mueller was always talking about how irritating he found young Jar-Jar, and you know that always means they end up getting together in the end.
I guess Bashful Bob sees something there he never saw before. Is it the tilt of his head, the glint in his eye? Or could it be his well-publicized desperation to leverage his government post for a Kushner family bailout?
We may never know, but…Young Luv, right?
Hey, just because the Super Bowl has come and gone doesn’t mean we’re not still ready for some FOOTBALL, right? In this case, the nuclear football! Axios reports a “scuffle” in China, over That Thing That Can Launch Commands to End All Life on Earth.
So that’s fun. A little slapstick over the nuclear football, some dumbass got caught doping FOR CURLING, and KFC’s out of chicken. Sounds about right. See you at the Mad Hatter’s place, round about tea time.
Oh, and there’s a MAGA dating site now. You have to take an IQ test to sign up, and if you pass, they don’t let you in.
I’m putting this up a little early tonight, so I get back to my NyQuil-infused dreams. I hope I pick up where I left off last night, I was in the middle of an adaptation of Der Ring des Nibelungen as imagined by Julie Taymor in partnership with Timothy Leary. Hour six. Good shit.
?…get well soon!
Hope you feel better soon. Hot tea with a wee dram of 15-year-old GlenMorangie always helps me. Thanks for dragging yourself off your sickbed to make us laugh. Take care.
Get well, Cap. We would be lost without you. Your blog should be required reading for everyone who can read above a fourth grade level. Of course, that would exclude the shart stain, his administration, his GOP ass kissers, and his base. Maybe you could create an audio blog for them they could understand. Naw, that would be too much of a burden for you. Fuck them.