Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Hey Donnie, Maybe Bob Mueller is YOUR Soulmate! Or, Never Throw the Talking Stick Near the Glass Elephant!
Hey, let’s start with some good news for a change! Tammy Duckworth is pregnant with her second child and will be the first United States Senator in history to give birth while in office! Congratulations, Senator Duckworth!
Cling to that warm fuzzy feeling, because pretty much everything else this week is shitty.
Well, the government’s back open, at the cost of Susan Collins’ glass elephant, which was destroyed when Lamar Alexander threw the “talking stick” at Mark Warner.
Yeah, that sentence doesn’t make a lot of sense to me, either, but it’s something that apparently actually happened. This is exactly what I’m talking about when I say future generations are gonna think we made all this shit up. There’ll be an entire Trivial Pursuit edition dedicated to the Drumpf era, and twenty years from now you’ll be straining to remember if it was a glass pig or a porcelain hippo that shattered in Collins’ office during the shutdown.
Truly, we are living in history.
Meanwhile Ted Cruz tried pontificating on his long-and-deeply-held anti-shutdown views, prompting an “Oh hell no,” from MSNBC’s Kasie Hunt. Cruz went on to vociferously deny ever kissing the begolfpantsed ass of anyone who had insulted both his wife and his father, adding that he is really truly genuinely in no way the Zodiac Killer.
The best post-shutdown news is that Chuck Schumer took his cheeseburger-drunk offer to fund Shart Garfunkel’s Big Stupid Wall off the table. I guess somebody reminded him which party he’s a member of.
Vice President Pence confidently proclaimed the entire Stormy Daniels story to be “baseless,” despite the detailed InTouch interview and Cohen-orchestrated $130,000 payout, invoking his biblical right to Not Ever Listen to Women About Anything Ever.
To rub a little salt in that particular wound, Mikey Hairshirt refused to stand up for the equality of female journalists at a photo opp at Jerusalem’s West Wall. Mother will be so pleased.
A barely-noted story reports that Drumpf likes to mock Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi with what I’m sure is a super-respectful Indian accent. And because we’re so tragically used to/overwhelmed by the never-ending shitstorm, we all just went, “of course he did,” knowing the next atrocity would surely surface in an hour or so.
What’s this, now? KKKris KKKobach’s Kooky Kulling Kommission asked the state of Texas to not only turn over all their voter data, but to flag “Hispanic surnames?” I’m sure the Kansas Secretary of State/Professional Racist Legal Shield had only the noblest of intentions. He always does.
And Megyn Kelly, desperate for a ratings turnaround, picked a fight with Jane Fonda. I don’t see that strategy working out, but just in case Megyn’s accidentally stumbled onto the path to notoriety, I’d like to take this opportunity to start some shit with James Caan. HEY JIMBO! ROLLERBALL SUXXXX!
Plenty of rumbling that all the “President Kelly” hashtags are getting under the Idiot Manchild’s artificially-tanned skin. See, for reasons that escape comprehension, he doesn’t want anyone else to get credit for his historically-loathed clusterfuck of an administration. Anyway, Princess Ivanka, previously famous for stealing shoe designs, is supposedly heading up the search for the General’s replacement. That’ll go well.
Hey, I lied, there IS a little more good news. The Supreme Court of Pennsylvania looked upon the GOP’s if-Dalí-made-jigsaw-puzzles congressional gerrymander and said unto the world…”Well THIS fuckery ain’t gonna fly.” The midterms look a little sweeter every day, don’t they?
Little Donnie Two-Scoops finally got to start his little trade war, imposing tariffs on solar panels and washing machines. The solar industry quite reasonably complained about all the jobs this move will cost, but everybody knows that unless you’re a regular at a small-town diner somewhere in Appalachia, you’re not a Real American and your job doesn’t count.
Axios says FBI Director Chris Wray threatened to resign because he’s tired of Dopey Hate Goblin Jeff Sessions always hanging around the office, telling him to pick up the pace with the purging of the FBI already, cuz we’d really like to replace Andrew McCabe with this Recently Removed Confederate Monument, thanks.
Speaking of McCabe, it seems that right after firing Comey, the Poo Mistake summoned him to the Oval Office to just casually ask “Hey, who’dja vote for, Andy? I’m just curious in a what’s-your-favorite-color kinda way, nothing menacing, also, IF, hypothetically, a President felt like obstructing just a wee bit of justice, you wouldn’t be the kind of fellow who’d make a stink about that, right?”
The Presidency, with its prestige and its reach, can be inspirational. Barack Obama inspired a generation of young people to engage in politics. Donald Trump? He’s reaching a different demographic.
Brandon Griesemer, apparently a young Hitler fanboy, was so inspired by the Grifter Grand Wizard’s nonstop assault on the free press, he made a bunch of threatening phone calls to CNN. Run of the mill, “You are fake news so now I will murder you all” stuff, with a few ethnic and religious slurs mixed in for flavor.
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I always figured the President was supposed to fight terrorists, not galvanize them.
Lara Trump thinks the hundreds of thousands of women who marched last Saturday are dummies who didn’t really understand what they were marching about, because they are such ungrateful and stupid peasants, and her dad is pretty much the best feminists ever because Kellyanne Conway.
After giving her thoughts on the intelligence of the women in the Resistance, Lara returned home to her husband, Eric Trump, who sources inform me encountered a major setback this week in his ongoing struggle with potty training.
The day that Jeff Sessions has been dreading finally arrived, and he sat down for his first interview with The Bobadook. He tried that coy “I’m not expressly invoking executive privilege but I’m not answering your question anyway” thing for a bit, until Mueller grabbed him by the scrotum, growling “Do I look like Al Franken to you? Do you imagine I’m sort of comedian?”
I’m kinda on the fence, Resisters…I don’t know if I’d rather Ol’ Beauregard, sick of the months of public berating, rolled over on his boss like a frightened possum, or if he fell into one of those “perjury traps” we’re hearing so much about these days, and his indictment’s in the mail, next to that Ghosts of Mississippi DVD he ordered from Netflix.
Mueller also interviewed James Comey, and now he wants to talk to the Marmalade Shartcannon himself. Me, I think Bob should start with a question about inauguration crowd size, just to get that lying to the FBI charge out of the way right up front.
It would also be nice to get SHARTUS on the record regarding the pressing issue of How the Fuck Can You Do Something So Monstrous to a Perfectly Good Steak?
The Supreme Court unanimously spanked the Fascist Fuckhead Brigade on the Clean Water Act, even Donnie’s new best pal Neil, who is definitely not getting a Valentine now.
Uncle Joe Biden stopped by to remind everyone that yes, Mitch McConnell has so little love for his country that he refused to stand alongside Democrats and issue bipartisan condemnation of Russian interference during the 2016 election.
Again, perhaps I am just Werther’s-Original-level old fashioned, but I prefer Senators who side with, y’know…their own country. But then again, perhaps I am merely a cuck.
I swear to God, there must be some sort of “How much naked corruption can you get away with” pool going in Shartboy’s Cabinet. Mick Mulvaney, in his second job as head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, decided to shut down an investigation into a payday lender that, ZANY COINCIDENCE, donated thousands to his congressional campaigns. I dunno about you, but I feel protected.
Obviously, Pennsylvania CongressPerv Pat Meehan should not be in Congress, because he sexually harassed a staffer and paid her harassment claim off in taxpayer funds. But Meehan should also not be in Congress because boy howdy, if his damage control efforts today are indicative of his problem-solving skills…let’s just say i bet we can do better.
To say the interview he gave defending himself was creepy is offensive to merely creepy people. He rambles about soulmates and too-long hugs and generally auditions to be portrayed someday by Billy Bob Thornton.
And God bless his little heart, the fucker even manages to blame the whole damn thing on Obamacare.
Anyhow, now that the tax cuts have passed, the Republican Party seems to have transformed into a sprawling organization with just two purposes: white supremacy, and dismantling the FBI on behalf of their corrupt capo.
All these clowns, up to and including (sigh) the President, are pushing the hell out of the idea that a couple of FBI agents’ text messages somehow prove a conspiracy so vast and sinister that Oliver Stone is prolly working on the screenplay right now.
Meanwhile we got a look at one of the dastardly conspirators’ texts saying he was reluctant to join the investigation because he didn’t think it was likely to turn anything up. WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY JUST AN ELABORATE FAKE-OUT, YOU CUCKS, THAT’S SPYING 101, DUH!
You’ve even got Rush Limbaugh belching up some Grade A nonsense about the “deep state” lying about WMDs in Iraq in order embarrass George W. Bush, to give the anti-Republican FBI conspiracy a little backstory
Rush. Bro. I’m not part of the deep state* and even I can tell you that if the goal was to embarrass W., the only plan you needed was “put him in front of a microphone and tell him he’s allowed to talk.”
And now Ron Johnson, a man who needs detailed instructions posted on his bedroom wall to avoid putting on his pants inside out, says he has an “informant” assuring him there’s an anti-Trump “Secret Society” inside the FBI. Good enough for Fux Nooz. Apparently.
Meanwhile, you’ve got Adam Schiff and Dianne Feinstein asking the imminently reasonable question, “Say, why is all this nonsense about Devin Nunes’ horseshit memo being pushed so hard by Russian bots on social media, and would anybody like to, I dunno, maybe DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT, PLEASE?”
Weird, isn’t it? Living in a time when you have to ask the party in power to protect the United States from foreign attacks? Life really IS like a box of chocolates.
Anyway, that’s all I can fit in tonight, folks. I have to get my mask & bathrobe dry-cleaned before I leave for Davos…wouldn’t wanna look ratty as I hobnob with the world elite.
*OR AM I?
Hey Cap, you just gave me the slogan for my next protest sign: “Of course he did.” As always, you crack me up and bring a much needed smile to my perpetually scowling face.