Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Shutdown! Things’ll be Great When You’re Shutdown! No Finer Place for Sure! Shutdown! Everything’s Waiting For You!
Gotta admit, I’m kinda pissed, Resisters. I was supposed to go to a 9-dollar-per-plate Boston Market dinner last night, but noooooooooooo! A certain spray-tanned, sphincter-faced assclown had to shut down the government!
Maybe all of Washington is ineptly bumbling through an unnecessary, self-inflicted, crisis, but at least we can take comfort in knowing that Mick Mulvaney is enjoying himself! See, Mick found that he’s the lucky boy who actually gets to shut down the government, and that’s “kind of cool!”
“There’s a big green button you get to push and all these gears grind to a halt as confetti falls from the ceiling and dancing girls come out of, like, NOWHERE, and you get a special cupcake and a paper hat and a gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese’s, and IT’S ALL FOR MULVANEY!”
But Boss Shart has a sad, cuz he has to stay in dumb ol’ Washington for the whole weekend, without golfing ONCE, plus he had a big rich jagoff party down in Marm-a-Lago that he didn’t get to go to, which is especially disappointing since there was a $100,000 rim job line awaiting his arrival.
Poor Shart-Shart. For what it’s worth, I’m told the caviar presentation was an abomination.
Patrick Meehan became the latest Republican CongressPerv to rocket to national celebrity. Seems Meehan, who darkly/hilariously served on the House Ethics Committee, creeped on a younger staffer, and when she rejected him, chased her out of politics (and eventually the country), settling her harassment claim with a fat stack of taxpayer cash.
He seems nice. Maybe he can have a pajama party with Blake Farenthold. Or, you know, he could always try keeping his dick in his pants and go home to his WIFE.
As we evaluate Government Cheese Goebbel’s first-year accomplishments, let’s not neglect the “Trump Slump” bludgeoning our tourist industry. We’re slipping to third on the most-visited list, behind Spain, because America is just so dang great nowadays.
Although you have to admit, Spain has seen great success with their “We Promise You Won’t Be Murdered By a White Supremacist Terrorist Here Unlike Certain Countries We Could Name But Won’t” campaign.
We learned some fun stuff about how Jared Kushner, who is perhaps the only person alive who doesn’t understand how incompetent Jared Kushner is, gets manipulated by the Chinese, who can’t believe such a under-informed, desperate-to-be-rescued-from-personal-financial-trouble, rube fell right into their laps.
And just about everything else is about Shutdownmania, running wild.
Chuck Schumer says working with the Shart of the Deal is “like negotiating with Jell-O,” because he is jiggly and disappointing and by the time you’re at the table you wish you’d ordered anything else.
Now, because Littlefinger and his toady, Mike Pence, insist on cynically wielding our men and women in uniform as political props, Senator Tammy Duckworth took to the floor of Senate to crush their balls into a fine powder. Holy shit. Not that I was planning on it, but remind me to never pick a fight with Senator Duckworth.
Anyway, the WHO WILL THINK OF THE TROOPS crocodile tears evaporate in a hurry when you see the video of Mitch McConnell slamming the door on a vote to pay the military during the shutdown.
Hey, if these pigs are willing to hold millions of children’s health insurance hostage, what’re a few soldiers’ paychecks, more or less?
And Dorito Mussolini’s contribution? A single photograph, of himself, purportedly hard at work…at an empty desk. These days, I guess speaking truth to power means, “Maybe we could use a notepad here, Mr. President?”
Well, AND a super-helpful campaign ad that says undocumented immigrants are waiting outside your house to murder you while Nancy Pelosi picks the lock on your front door.
But don’t worry, Eric Trump, he of the infallible political instincts and eerily vacant stare, thinks the shutdown will be “good” for his shitty family, cuz hey, nobody’ll ask them to pay back the billions worth of damage their tantrum inflicts on the American economy, right?
Lindsey Graham is frustrated that potential deals keep getting scuttled by Virgin Klan Runt Stephen Miller. Sources tell me Graham is working on an elaborate “honey trap” style plan to distract Miller during key negotiations, and that he’s dispatched Bob Corker and Sherrod Brown on a mission to procure a sexy manikin, extend its forehead to unnatural lengths, and pose it suggestively outside Stephen’s condo.
And somehow, Republicans look at their historically loathed President, their unpopular position on DACA, oh, and that little thing where Hundreds of Thousands of Americans Took to the Streets to Protest Their Bullshit, and concluded “Everyone is totally on our side!”
…there are lot of reasons to vote the GOP out this November, but “inability to process information competently” really ought to be near the top of the list.
But let’s get back to those marches for a second, shall we? The Resistance might not get a whole day on the NYT opinion page, but we sure the fuck do SHOW UP, don’t we? Even after an absolutely exhausting year, Women’s March turnout matched or even exceeded the 2017 marches.
600,000 in Los Angeles. 300,000 in Chicago. Another 200,000 in New York. Coast to coast, large communities and small. Voters, one and all.
Meanwhile, the biggest pro-Trump march last year was in Charlottesville.
‘Course, the real bad news for Team Shart? One office staying open during the shutdown? Bob Mueller’s.
Didja see where the Koch brothers rewarded their Pet House Speaker, Paul Ryan, for trimming billions off their tax bill? Yeah, they gave him a little walking-around money. $500,000 worth. “You done good, kid,” said Charley Koch, ruffling Ryan’s hair affectionately, “Getcherself some ice cream.”
And Missouri governor Eric Greitens says he ain’t resignin’, and just cuz he tied up his naked mistress and photographed her doesn’t mean he was blackmailing her! He keeps that photo on his desk, right next to th’wife n’ kids!
And now I see Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes refuses to show the FBI his famous memo. You know, the one that purports to be an objective summary of his findings regarding the FBI’s various investigations? Despite his lengthy track record as an obsequious Trump stooge? Yeah, the FBI isn’t allowed to see it. That’s how you KNOW it’s legit.
In related news, Nunes is using the shutdown to draft a bill legalizing porcine conjugal visits for federal inmates, I WONDER WHY.
Further trouble in Shartopia, as the Candycorn Skidmark has reportedly become all grumbly and surly with a pair of his cabinet secretaries. Seems Cowboy Ryan Zinke’s gift of an exemption from the new offshore drilling rules to Rick Scott came as an unwelcome surprise, and now the Interior secretary has to sleep outside on the White House lawn with Jeff Sessions.
And Wilbur Ross is in the shithouse* too, probably because all of the naps he takes during meetings. Still, that’ll a be a useful defense when Mueller comes knocking. “Sorry, I was asleep for the treason.”
Anyway, Diamond and Silk will be in the cabinet soon.
That’s all for the moment, folks. I’m furloughing myself.
You may not consider yourself a journalist, but you base your writing on truth and always have excellent links to support it. Love all of your great names for our cheeto shitstain (shithole?) hitler. Can’t wait for the Midterm election. We are now absentee voters. Saves us hassles at polls. Unfortunately we live in Trumpland where our gop state legislature is doing its best to turn us into North Trumpolina.
Virgin Klan Runt. Now zoomed to the Top of your list of fantastically apt names. Thank you for providing the hideous news and serving it with dark humor. Cap, your writing is superb.
If you think Tammy Duckworth crushed their balls, go back to 2013 video of her questioning of IRS contractor Braulio Castillo for gaming the V A benefits program over a twisted ankle he suffered 27 years prior in prep school BEFORE he went on to quarterback his college football team. He claimed 30% disability for this. She told him that the balls of her feet hurt all the time. She doesn’t have FEET. They were blown off with the rest of her legs in combat. By the time she was done with him, he didn’t have any balls left. It was a thing of beauty.