Okay, Shower Captives, I’m taking a much needed vacation weekend, but I wanted to get one last post up before I shut my brain off for a few days. So let’s plunge back into the Mouth of Madness….though it looks like Madness hasn’t flossed in a while…

Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes’ campaign to raise awareness of what a pathetic, thin-skinned, cud-brained, doofus Devin Nunes is has rapidly become the single most successful endeavor of Devin Nunes’ sad little life. He’s made a parody Twitter account more popular than his own page, and helpfully given the world cause to poke through his long record of shittiness, shining a spotlight on an old video where he defends a group of jagoffs hurling ethnic slurs at John Lewis. Pigs are very intelligent animals, but fucking ‘em hasn’t made Devin any smarter.

Well, the Oversight Renaissance hit an expected snag, as the Shart House has responded to document requests from various Democrat-chaired committees with a hearty, “Thank you very much for your inquiry, however, at this time, we prefer to keep the evidence of our many crimes to ourselves, kindly piss off.” So now we wait for Elijah Cummings and Jerry Nadler to do the exotic Dance of the Seven Subpoenas, which, if you’ve never seen it, is really quite arousing.

Of course, some Trumpkins are cooperating. Steve Bannon has turned over a trove of documents, confident that the oily substance he involuntarily secretes has rendered them illegible. Hope Hicks is cooperating, as is Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn. And Rick Gates says that while he’s looking forward to cooperating with Congress, he has to wait until he’s done cooperating with Bodacious Bob Mueller before he’s allowed to come out and play. Well isn’t Rick just the belle of the ball?

Cummings also wants to know about potential record-keeping naughtiness on Jared Kushner’s part. Yes, Kid Nepotism seems to be using encrypted apps and private e-mail accounts to conduct official government business. Other White House staffers, including Bannon, K.T. McFarland, and even Princess Ivanka herself, have used private e-mail as well.

In accordance with this gravest of crimes, the New York Times has blocked out front page space for the next two years to give the story the attention it deserves, and Trey Gowdy has emerged from retirement to demand accountability, riding into the Capitol on a white steed, brandishing a flaming sword. Because everyone is held to the same standards, right? RIGHT?

Anyway, Strawberry Shartcake’s relationship with Deutsche Bank is also being scrutinized. I bring this up because these investigations are turning up evidence that he’s been lying about his net worth, and public knowledge of his significantly-less-abundant-than-advertised wealth seems to be the one humiliation this trembling narcissist can’t bear. He told his celebrity roasters that was the one off-limits topic, remember? I can picture him asking the same of Mueller, can’t you?  “Lemme have this one, Bob…don’t make me beg.” 

Now that all the superheroes have been banished, Paul Ryan is finally free to join the board of Fox Corp. It’s the least he can do, really, in return for the years spent dispensing propaganda on his behalf, painting him like some sort of principled intellectual when all he’s ever been is a moderately articulate spokesman for the right-wing agenda to keep working-class Americans’ lives as short and painful as possible.

If the emissions emanating front the presidential pulpit are a fair indicator, then the single largest threat facing the United States of America today isn’t Russia, it isn’t even climate change, it’s…recently-deceased Senator John McCain. You can sleep easy, America, knowing your President is devoting every ounce of his extremely-limited mental energy to the McCain problem.

Yeah, I guess Donnie Two-Scoops has got a bug up his ass because nobody lavished him with praise for allowing Senator McCain a funeral, instead of mounting his head (or, more likely, that verdammte THUMB) on a pike on the White House lawn, like he really wanted to. Is there a Nobel Prize for Not Interrupting a Man’s Memorial Service with an Air Horn?

Oh, and he’s going around telling everybody that McCain pinky-swore to curb-stomp Obamacare and then piss on its corpse, only to betray his poor President at the very last minute, siding with all those sick plebs and their pre-existing conditions, the bastard.

And just like every other Trumpal assault on basic human decency, the GOP response is “thank you sir, may we have another?” Lindsey Graham pathetically mews “I sure would like it if you’d stop dishonoring my dead friend’s memory, but if you don’t want to, I guess that’s ok, too.” Flubber-kneed cowards from Mitt Romney to Martha McSally offered up statements I can’t even label “milquetoast” for fear of slandering both milk and toast. Johnny Isakson was so indignant, he kinda almost raised his voice a little bit, and Republicans are hailing it like the St. Crispin’s Day speech. How any of these sycophants can make eye contact with their reflections is beyond me.

Hey, if you’ve got that one politically incurious friend who likes to pontificate about how “the two parties are essentially the same,” feel free to gently slap him with the latest voting rights news out of Florida.

On the one hand, you’ve got the Republicans, desperately trying to find some clever way to subvert the will of the state’s voters (and there’s your first big clue that something’s not quite right, y’know?) who overwhelmingly chose to restore the right to vote to felons who had served their time. “How about a poll tax?” offered some enterprising young autocrat. “Capital idea, my good man! Of course, we’ll have to gussy it up a bit, for the courts, but the important thing is hanging onto power even though we’ve lost the support of the citizenry!”

And then on the other side of the aisle, you’ve got Andrew Gillum, who came up just a hair short in his bid for the governorship last fall, announcing a new endeavor to register 1 million new voters in Florida ahead of the 2020 election. Keep an eye out for Gillum’s Bring it Home Florida; along with Stacy Abrams’ New Georgia Project, Let America Vote, and similar organizations, they’re looking to provide the organizing muscle we’ll need to win our country back from the ratfinks and dirtbags. And they’ll need YOUR help.

Now, when one party is working to bring new people into the democratic process, and one party is using every available mechanism, legal or not (looking at YOU, Brian Kemp) to shut folks out…what does that tell you?

After a rocky start to his ambassadorship, Richard Grenell has finally succeeded in uniting several of Germany’s competing political parties…in hatred of Richard Grenell. Apparently looking to radically overhaul diplomacy with his revolutionary “what if I was just a raging dickhead instead” technique, Grenell continues his exemplary service to his Turd Emperor’s apparent plan to turn America’s closest allies into enemies.

Am I supposed to say something about Kellyanne and George? Oh, those zany Conways! One’s a wannabe dictator’s Minister of Misinformation, one’s a run-of-the-mill conservative fuckstick, however do they get along? Unless somebody’s gonna hack their e-mails to use as the basis for a stage show starring Judith Light and Tony Danza, I ain’t interested.

And now the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor is working up an executive order threatening to cut off federal research grants to colleges and universities who decide they don’t want to shell out thousands to pay for security during one of Richard Spencer’s hate rallies, allegedly in the name of “protecting free speech.” Call it Mandatory Milo. Perhaps someday Gavin McInnes’ whingey rants about his neighbors will stand alongside Plato and Descartes as reading required for graduation.

Hey, let’s check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, we haven’t heard from him in a spell. What’s shakin’, Bill?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: My fists, Cap! Shaking at the sky in rage and disbelief! I’m glad you asked!

Gosh, Bill, what happened?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: By now I’m sure you’re familiar with Boeing’s recent troubles, yes?

Yeah, I’ve seen that stuff, Bill.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, it turns out that the two Boeing jets that recently crashed, resulting in the loss of hundreds of human lives, both lacked a couple of safety features that other Boeing planes possess.

Oh no. Was there some sort of glitch or something?

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No, Cap, y’see, Boeing didn’t install these features on these particular planes, because they charge extra for ’em.

Wh…so you’re saying an airplane manufacturer withheld safety equipment from two planes that crashed because they were looking to make a few extra bucks? That’s…that’s…

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: THAT’S CAPITALISM IN ACTION, CAPPIE! AIN’T IT GRRRRRRRRREAT?

…good lord.

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh hey, I’ve got another one, actually.

Oh, uh, maybe we should just –

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No, no, you’ll like this one. So it looks like Tijuana residents are stealing concertina wire from the American border. Not only is Donnie Dotard not getting any new wall built, he’s having trouble holding onto what he’s already got!

Oh. Why, that’s kinda funny. That isn’t horrible at all, Bill!

Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, I know. It fucking sucks being the guy who only drops by to give the shitty news. I can do sports, too, y’know.

…we’ll talk about it later, Bill. Bye for now.

Speaking of Boeing, Acting Defense Secretary/Former Boeing executive Patrick Shanahan, in what seems like an introductory hazing ritual for all Trump Cabinet appointees, now faces an Inspector General investigation of his very own. Y’know, at some point, these clowns should try heading up one of these departments with somebody who isn’t brazenly corrupt, just to spice shit up, y’know?

Hey look, Matt Bevin took his kids to chicken pox “parties,” so they wouldn’t need any of those Deep State Big Science vaccines! He gave his children a potentially serious disease, ON PURPOSE! And he’s fuckin’ struttin’ around like he outwitted The Man in pursuit of God’s Own True Freedom. IT’S FUCKING CHILD ABUSE. This maniac processes information with the brain of an unusually dim-witted medieval peasant, and he’s the Governor of an entire fucking state? Are we entirely sure Kentucky deserves Senators and electoral votes and shit?

Ben Carson popped up to say he hasn’t seen evidence of any rise in white supremacist groups, because I guess he had his head all the way up his ass when that one guy SHOT 50 PEOPLE TO DEATH IN NEW ZEALAND the other day. If it’s evidence Dr. Ben wants, maybe show him this SPLC study? Or the story about the white supremacist cop in Virginia? You might have to print ‘em out and tape ‘em to that creepy Jesus painting, if you want him to notice.

Meanwhile, in its not-at-all-racist-how-dare-you-suggest-otherwise effort to secure the homeland, the Shart Administration has denied visas to dozens of women seeking to attend the United Nations’ annual Commission on the Status of Women conference, and I tell you folks, I cannot wait to sandblast every last trace of Stephen Miller from American policy. Gonna bleach the whole West Wing just in case.

Look, just because he steals money from his own charitable foundation to buy (ridiculously tacky) paintings of himself, some people think Government Cheese Goebbels is selfish, but that isn’t fair! Why, just today, he gave his buddy Benjamin Netanyahu the gift of a lifetime: a sudden, unvetted, shift in decades-old American policy, recognizing Israel’s occupation of the Golan Heights! Why, it’s everything a corrupt right-wing fuckhead facing indictment during a reelection campaign could hope for, Donald!

Leaked memos from the commandant of the Marine Corps point out that Sharty McFly’s political stunt troop deployments, combined with his proposal to steal as much money as he can get his grubby little hands on from other DoD projects in the name of his faux national emergency, are interfering with training and undermining readiness. Can you believe this CUCK? He actually thinks the military’s function is to protect the American people, rather than fluff the President’s ego!

Fuck it, I can’t take this shit anymore. I’m checking out for a few days. Don’t bother me unless we start a war with a country at LEAST as large as Finland.