Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Is John McCain Haunting the President, or is it Just an Experimental Hair Tonic-Induced Hallucination?
Okay, Shower Captives, I’m taking a much needed vacation weekend, but I wanted to get one last post up before I shut my brain off for a few days. So let’s plunge back into the Mouth of Madness….though it looks like Madness hasn’t flossed in a while…
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes’ campaign to raise awareness of what a pathetic, thin-skinned, cud-brained, doofus Devin Nunes is has rapidly become the single most successful endeavor of Devin Nunes’ sad little life. He’s made a parody Twitter account more popular than his own page, and helpfully given the world cause to poke through his long record of shittiness, shining a spotlight on an old video where he defends a group of jagoffs hurling ethnic slurs at John Lewis. Pigs are very intelligent animals, but fucking ‘em hasn’t made Devin any smarter.
Well, the Oversight Renaissance hit an expected snag, as the Shart House has responded to document requests from various Democrat-chaired committees with a hearty, “Thank you very much for your inquiry, however, at this time, we prefer to keep the evidence of our many crimes to ourselves, kindly piss off.” So now we wait for Elijah Cummings and Jerry Nadler to do the exotic Dance of the Seven Subpoenas, which, if you’ve never seen it, is really quite arousing.
Of course, some Trumpkins are cooperating. Steve Bannon has turned over a trove of documents, confident that the oily substance he involuntarily secretes has rendered them illegible. Hope Hicks is cooperating, as is Mike “the Turkish Delight” Flynn. And Rick Gates says that while he’s looking forward to cooperating with Congress, he has to wait until he’s done cooperating with Bodacious Bob Mueller before he’s allowed to come out and play. Well isn’t Rick just the belle of the ball?
Cummings also wants to know about potential record-keeping naughtiness on Jared Kushner’s part. Yes, Kid Nepotism seems to be using encrypted apps and private e-mail accounts to conduct official government business. Other White House staffers, including Bannon, K.T. McFarland, and even Princess Ivanka herself, have used private e-mail as well.
In accordance with this gravest of crimes, the New York Times has blocked out front page space for the next two years to give the story the attention it deserves, and Trey Gowdy has emerged from retirement to demand accountability, riding into the Capitol on a white steed, brandishing a flaming sword. Because everyone is held to the same standards, right? RIGHT?
Anyway, Strawberry Shartcake’s relationship with Deutsche Bank is also being scrutinized. I bring this up because these investigations are turning up evidence that he’s been lying about his net worth, and public knowledge of his significantly-less-abundant-than-advertised wealth seems to be the one humiliation this trembling narcissist can’t bear. He told his celebrity roasters that was the one off-limits topic, remember? I can picture him asking the same of Mueller, can’t you? “Lemme have this one, Bob…don’t make me beg.”
Now that all the superheroes have been banished, Paul Ryan is finally free to join the board of Fox Corp. It’s the least he can do, really, in return for the years spent dispensing propaganda on his behalf, painting him like some sort of principled intellectual when all he’s ever been is a moderately articulate spokesman for the right-wing agenda to keep working-class Americans’ lives as short and painful as possible.
If the emissions emanating front the presidential pulpit are a fair indicator, then the single largest threat facing the United States of America today isn’t Russia, it isn’t even climate change, it’s…recently-deceased Senator John McCain. You can sleep easy, America, knowing your President is devoting every ounce of his extremely-limited mental energy to the McCain problem.
Yeah, I guess Donnie Two-Scoops has got a bug up his ass because nobody lavished him with praise for allowing Senator McCain a funeral, instead of mounting his head (or, more likely, that verdammte THUMB) on a pike on the White House lawn, like he really wanted to. Is there a Nobel Prize for Not Interrupting a Man’s Memorial Service with an Air Horn?
Oh, and he’s going around telling everybody that McCain pinky-swore to curb-stomp Obamacare and then piss on its corpse, only to betray his poor President at the very last minute, siding with all those sick plebs and their pre-existing conditions, the bastard.
And just like every other Trumpal assault on basic human decency, the GOP response is “thank you sir, may we have another?” Lindsey Graham pathetically mews “I sure would like it if you’d stop dishonoring my dead friend’s memory, but if you don’t want to, I guess that’s ok, too.” Flubber-kneed cowards from Mitt Romney to Martha McSally offered up statements I can’t even label “milquetoast” for fear of slandering both milk and toast. Johnny Isakson was so indignant, he kinda almost raised his voice a little bit, and Republicans are hailing it like the St. Crispin’s Day speech. How any of these sycophants can make eye contact with their reflections is beyond me.
Hey, if you’ve got that one politically incurious friend who likes to pontificate about how “the two parties are essentially the same,” feel free to gently slap him with the latest voting rights news out of Florida.
On the one hand, you’ve got the Republicans, desperately trying to find some clever way to subvert the will of the state’s voters (and there’s your first big clue that something’s not quite right, y’know?) who overwhelmingly chose to restore the right to vote to felons who had served their time. “How about a poll tax?” offered some enterprising young autocrat. “Capital idea, my good man! Of course, we’ll have to gussy it up a bit, for the courts, but the important thing is hanging onto power even though we’ve lost the support of the citizenry!”
And then on the other side of the aisle, you’ve got Andrew Gillum, who came up just a hair short in his bid for the governorship last fall, announcing a new endeavor to register 1 million new voters in Florida ahead of the 2020 election. Keep an eye out for Gillum’s Bring it Home Florida; along with Stacy Abrams’ New Georgia Project, Let America Vote, and similar organizations, they’re looking to provide the organizing muscle we’ll need to win our country back from the ratfinks and dirtbags. And they’ll need YOUR help.
Now, when one party is working to bring new people into the democratic process, and one party is using every available mechanism, legal or not (looking at YOU, Brian Kemp) to shut folks out…what does that tell you?
After a rocky start to his ambassadorship, Richard Grenell has finally succeeded in uniting several of Germany’s competing political parties…in hatred of Richard Grenell. Apparently looking to radically overhaul diplomacy with his revolutionary “what if I was just a raging dickhead instead” technique, Grenell continues his exemplary service to his Turd Emperor’s apparent plan to turn America’s closest allies into enemies.
Am I supposed to say something about Kellyanne and George? Oh, those zany Conways! One’s a wannabe dictator’s Minister of Misinformation, one’s a run-of-the-mill conservative fuckstick, however do they get along? Unless somebody’s gonna hack their e-mails to use as the basis for a stage show starring Judith Light and Tony Danza, I ain’t interested.
And now the Tangelo-Tinted Taint Tumor is working up an executive order threatening to cut off federal research grants to colleges and universities who decide they don’t want to shell out thousands to pay for security during one of Richard Spencer’s hate rallies, allegedly in the name of “protecting free speech.” Call it Mandatory Milo. Perhaps someday Gavin McInnes’ whingey rants about his neighbors will stand alongside Plato and Descartes as reading required for graduation.
Hey, let’s check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk, we haven’t heard from him in a spell. What’s shakin’, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: My fists, Cap! Shaking at the sky in rage and disbelief! I’m glad you asked!
Gosh, Bill, what happened?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: By now I’m sure you’re familiar with Boeing’s recent troubles, yes?
Yeah, I’ve seen that stuff, Bill.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Well, Cap, it turns out that the two Boeing jets that recently crashed, resulting in the loss of hundreds of human lives, both lacked a couple of safety features that other Boeing planes possess.
Oh no. Was there some sort of glitch or something?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No, Cap, y’see, Boeing didn’t install these features on these particular planes, because they charge extra for ’em.
Wh…so you’re saying an airplane manufacturer withheld safety equipment from two planes that crashed because they were looking to make a few extra bucks? That’s…that’s…
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: THAT’S CAPITALISM IN ACTION, CAPPIE! AIN’T IT GRRRRRRRRREAT?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh hey, I’ve got another one, actually.
Oh, uh, maybe we should just –
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: No, no, you’ll like this one. So it looks like Tijuana residents are stealing concertina wire from the American border. Not only is Donnie Dotard not getting any new wall built, he’s having trouble holding onto what he’s already got!
Oh. Why, that’s kinda funny. That isn’t horrible at all, Bill!
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Yeah, I know. It fucking sucks being the guy who only drops by to give the shitty news. I can do sports, too, y’know.
…we’ll talk about it later, Bill. Bye for now.
Speaking of Boeing, Acting Defense Secretary/Former Boeing executive Patrick Shanahan, in what seems like an introductory hazing ritual for all Trump Cabinet appointees, now faces an Inspector General investigation of his very own. Y’know, at some point, these clowns should try heading up one of these departments with somebody who isn’t brazenly corrupt, just to spice shit up, y’know?
Hey look, Matt Bevin took his kids to chicken pox “parties,” so they wouldn’t need any of those Deep State Big Science vaccines! He gave his children a potentially serious disease, ON PURPOSE! And he’s fuckin’ struttin’ around like he outwitted The Man in pursuit of God’s Own True Freedom. IT’S FUCKING CHILD ABUSE. This maniac processes information with the brain of an unusually dim-witted medieval peasant, and he’s the Governor of an entire fucking state? Are we entirely sure Kentucky deserves Senators and electoral votes and shit?
Ben Carson popped up to say he hasn’t seen evidence of any rise in white supremacist groups, because I guess he had his head all the way up his ass when that one guy SHOT 50 PEOPLE TO DEATH IN NEW ZEALAND the other day. If it’s evidence Dr. Ben wants, maybe show him this SPLC study? Or the story about the white supremacist cop in Virginia? You might have to print ‘em out and tape ‘em to that creepy Jesus painting, if you want him to notice.
Meanwhile, in its not-at-all-racist-how-dare-you-suggest-otherwise effort to secure the homeland, the Shart Administration has denied visas to dozens of women seeking to attend the United Nations’ annual Commission on the Status of Women conference, and I tell you folks, I cannot wait to sandblast every last trace of Stephen Miller from American policy. Gonna bleach the whole West Wing just in case.
Look, just because he steals money from his own charitable foundation to buy (ridiculously tacky) paintings of himself, some people think Government Cheese Goebbels is selfish, but that isn’t fair! Why, just today, he gave his buddy Benjamin Netanyahu the gift of a lifetime: a sudden, unvetted, shift in decades-old American policy, recognizing Israel’s occupation of the Golan Heights! Why, it’s everything a corrupt right-wing fuckhead facing indictment during a reelection campaign could hope for, Donald!
Leaked memos from the commandant of the Marine Corps point out that Sharty McFly’s political stunt troop deployments, combined with his proposal to steal as much money as he can get his grubby little hands on from other DoD projects in the name of his faux national emergency, are interfering with training and undermining readiness. Can you believe this CUCK? He actually thinks the military’s function is to protect the American people, rather than fluff the President’s ego!
Fuck it, I can’t take this shit anymore. I’m checking out for a few days. Don’t bother me unless we start a war with a country at LEAST as large as Finland.