Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
John Kelly is a Bad Guy, Richard Spencer is a Terrorist, and What Betsy DeVos is We Don’t Have a Word For Yet
Hey everybody, I’m pleased to announce a Kickstarter for the very first piece of Official Shower Cap Merch! It’s the Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension, just in time for Halloween! Simply grind your teeth in flustered resentment to trigger sensors at the temples, and your Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension will pontificate at length about the Laziness of Janitors, Why He Can’t Be Friends With Brown People, or “Will Some Woman Please Touch Me, Just So I Can Finally Learn What It’s Like, I Have Money.”
I see Ol’ Dubya gave a little speech, with the surprisingly-controversial theme of “Hey, maybe we shouldn’t all be racist idiot jagoff hatemongers,” which Steve Bannon derided as “high-falutin.”
This then, is the rift in the modern GOP: Team Less Hate, Maybe? versus Team TOLERANCE IS COASTAL ELITIST CUCKISM THE FOUNDERS DIDN’T TELL US WHOSE LAWN WE CAN OR CAN’T BURN CROSSES ON.
Darth Wino was vomiting up his acidic bile for a gathering of feral California Republicans, who helpfully shouted “HANG HIM” at the mention of Senator John McCain’s name.
I admit to a level of fascination at the kind of person who walks around this earth with words like “HANG HIM” on the tip of their tongue. I mean, I’m pretty passionate about this shit, but I tend to dwell mainly in “USE CONSTITUTIONAL MEANS TO REMOVE HIM FROM OFFICE” territory. But then, I am a Cuck.
We’re learning more and more about the debacle in Niger, and there are some ugly failures of leadership here, which I’m sure Gowdy Doody, an old hand at these kinds of investigations, will hold the White House and the Pentagon accountable for.
HAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHHHHAHAHHHAHAHHA. Isn’t it neat that simply suggesting Republicans hold themselves to the standards they set for their opponents is a joke? Just by itself?
The Sunny D-Bag has been personally interviewing US Attorney candidates for districts where he’s likely to face prosecution for his many, many, crimes, and not just those committed against Perfectly Good Steaks.
Candidates are administered questionnaires asking them to rank crimes on a scale from “Jaywalking” to “Hillary’s E-mails,” with perhaps-leading entries like “An itsy-bitsy bit of Russian collusion because you just wanted to make America great again so dang much” or “Grabbing them by the pussy, which is automatically consensual when you’re a star.”
Speaking of Shart Garfunkel’s enormous legal troubles, word is he’s pledging $430,000 of his own money to pay Russia-investigation-related legal fees for his underlings, because why half-ass corruption, right? Direct bribes to potential witnesses against him, and it’s barely a story. I miss arguing about the size of Obama’s flag pin.
Well, if y’all believe that “pledge,” go for it. Maybe you can get the Washington Post to shame him into paying up down the road, but if I were you I’d rent an apartment near a pawn shop, for convenience’s sake.
Richard Spencer gave a little speech down in Florida. Well, it was supposed to be a speech, it turned out to be mostly lil’ Richie standing on a stage whining about all the protesters who came out to yell at him for being such a dickless loser.
A particular high point came when Spencer, with all the genius one would expect from a leader of the master race, opened the floor for a question-and-answer session, apparently unprepared for the entirely predictable onslaught of mockery he unleashed on himself. Topics ranged from “How do you like being punched, you punchable punching bag, you?” to “How do you pee without a dick?” to “If you’re so racially superior, why do you look like a foot with a Lego Man’s haircut?”
Oh, did I mention the Nazi terrorists? Can’t forget the Nazi terrorists.
Because ONCE AGAIN a Spencer speech was accompanied by, say it together, folks: NAZI TERRORISTS. The University of Florida had to pony up 600 grand for extra security, because wherever Spencer goes, he’s accompanied by a band of violent, knuckle-dragging morons, because he is the spokesman for a TERRORIST MOVEMENT.
Anyway, a trio of NAZI TERRORISTS (are these the “very fine people” SHARTUS was talking about?”) gave Nazi salutes, shouted some racist shit, and fired a gun into a crowd of human beings. They’ve been arrested, so at least a few more NAZI TERRORISTS are off the streets.
So yeah, I’m pretty much done with talking about the free speech rights of a guy who drags an entourage of murderous thugs with him wherever he goes. This isn’t breaking fucking news, people…the Nazi/Klan/White Supremacist movement is, and always has been, an extremely violent one, with genocidal goals, and I submit Their Entire History Up To and Including This Week as my evidence. Maybe we should stop spending hundreds of thousands of dollars facilitating events where these NAZI TERRORISTS can gather to share recipes and try to murder people? CONTROVERSIAL, I KNOW.
Somebody sold the Human Garbage Pail Kid a fake Renoir, but the Art Institute of Chicago has the real one. God, if I knew then what I know now, I would’ve spent my entire life to this point selling Donald Trump fake art. Dumbfuck rube obsessed with outward status symbols, utterly lacking in knowledge or taste? Jesus. I could’ve made MILLIONS. You could sell him a photograph of a painting and he’d think it was real. I’VE WASTED MY LIFE.
Betsy DeVos rescinded 72 regulations designed to protect the rights of students with disabilities, because she’s a monster. No jokes, she’s just a horrible human being. What the fuck can you joke about? Under DeVos, the Department of Education has given MORE rights to campus rapists, and taken rights away from disabled kids.
Did you know that in her middle school production of OLIVER!, Betsy only auditioned for the role of the Mean Lady in the Orphanage who gets mad when Oliver asks for more gruel? She wrote a whole new song for the character, about how orphans are Takers and Drags on Society and should probably just be culled, but her teacher wouldn’t let her sing it, because even at age eleven, young Betsy radiated an evil that made audiences uncomfortable.
We were all clinging desperately to the notion that there were a couple of grown-ups surrounding and restraining our Idiot Manchild President, folks with enough fundamental decency to reign in the chintzy mob family looting our nation before they set the whole fucking planet on fire, but John Kelly really took a smelly dump on that fantasy this week, didn’t he?
Kelly solemnly told a tale of the Very Bad Awfulness of Representative Frederica Wilson, who he claimed gave a speech bragging about single-handedly funding and building a shiny new FBI field office, before going off on lengthy tangents about how much she can bench and how most FBI agents are fat and stupid and whine about how itchy the wire they have to wear is when they have to go undercover.
And of course a video turned up about ten minutes later proving Kelly to be full of USDA-certified, grass-fed, Grade A bullshit. Stood in front of the whole damn country and indignantly told a big, stupid, useless, rapidly disproven lie. And why? To cover for his dumbfuck, puddinghead boss, who has declared Representative Wilson an Enemy of the People for the high crime of Criticizing Donald Trump While Black and Female.
(Kelly also lamented that we no longer held women “sacred,” or some other Neanderthal idiocy, before going back to work facilitating the agenda of the grotesque old pervert who likes to brag about barging into beauty pageant dressing rooms to ogle naked teenagers.)
Of course you knew you could count on Sarah Huckabee Sanders to condescendingly declare that it’s “highly inappropriate” to disagree with a 4 star general, even when he’s caught, pants-down and rosy-cheeked, in a total falsehood.
SHS always has just that tiny burning glint in the corner of her otherwise-dead eyes, the glint fueled by the belief that though she must, for now, tolerate these mewling fools and their “press freedoms,” their “transparency,” their precious “First Amendment,” her boss has promised her the opportunity to reign over the Washington Post as their new Editor-in-Chief/Commandant when their headquarters is repurposed as a concentration camp once shit finally gets real.
Am I going too far with the Nazi gags on poor Sarah? Fuck her. White House Press Secretary stands in front of the nation, and the world, saying we have no right to question a military leader? (Shit, we can even set aside the context where Kelly was clearly, objectively, lying.) It’s pure fucking fascism, and we will teach our children, and our children’s children, about what a giddy little fascist you were, Sarah, so that they’ll know what a fascist looks like the next time they come knocking.
AND SPEAKING OF FASCISM (I can’t tell you how gloomy it makes me to be able to use that phrase to transition between news stories, but we are where we are) the wife of Deposed HHS Capo Tom Price, a Georgia State Representative, wants to quarantine Americans with HIV!
I swear, these people are positively HORNY to open up camps. Like, it’s been their bucket list fantasy all along, the sort of thing they’d wistfully muse upon at Hamptons fundraisers…”Y’know what I’d REALLY like to do…but ah, such things went out of fashion with Lindbergh, I suppose.”
Anyhow. Now Team Shart’s scrambling to create the appearance that they give half a fuck about the men and women they send overseas to die, overnighting hastily-scrawled “condolence” letters to the families of other soldiers killed during their term, not because of any genuine sense of compassion or appreciation, but because they lied and told everyone they already had.
Our crack team of investigative journalists were able to obtain one of these letters, reproduced here:
Please enjoy this coupon good for 35% off a side of scampi at your local Red Lobster, not valid during holidays or weekends, and I’ve told Mike Pompeo to personally monitor your Cheddar Bay Biscuit intake, so don’t even think about taking advantage of my Presidential generosity just because your husband/father/son died in service to his country, HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS GETTING INTO.
Roy Moore failed to disclose half a million dollars on his campaign filings, breaking the law. For a Senate candidate, Moore breaks the law a LOT. Actually, for just an average, run-of-the-mill human being, Moore breaks the law a lot. But hey, he hates the gays, and Alabama gets two Senators, so I guess he’ll be making laws soon. Yay.
(OR you can help Doug Jones teach the Bannonites of the world a valuable lesson. DONATE RIGHT GODDAMN NOW.)
The five living ex-Presidents gathered together in a moving show of bipartisan unity, appearing side-by-side to raise funds for hurricane victims, while the current President…went golfing. Again. Fucker Golfs so much you wonder how he finds to time to whinge incessantly at the suffering Americans in Puerto Rico for making him look bad.
WaPo dropped the latest entry in the exhausting Real Muricans Who Don’t Give a Fuck How Reprehensible Drumpf is So Long as he Keeps Stickin’ It to the Browns, this time focusing on I Got My Hurricane Relief, Fuck Puerto Rico. The star of the piece is a surly old turd who didn’t even have flood insurance, landed 14 grand in free money from the government, and still bitches about the lack of “responsibility” of his fellow Americans in the exact same situation, only browner.
These must be those “Values Voters” I’m always hearing about.
See where Tangerine Idi Amin’s latest executive order allows the military to draft retired pilots? You kinda wonder if, the moment Mueller starts dropping indictments, Donnie Dotard will just throw a dart at a map and order the carpet bombing of, oh, let’s say Peru.
The Failing New York Times let us know Fux Gnus renewed Serial Pervert Bill O’Reilly’s contract, even gave him a raise, after a 32 million dollar sexual harassment settlement.
I’ve gotten used to the ever-increasing levels of depravity throughout the course of this massively fucked-up year, folks, but I cannot fathom what 32 million dollars worth of sexual harassment looks like. I bet Mike Pence locked himself in his office for an unusually-vigorous sandpaper-and-bacon-grease wank session just IMAGINING what the fuck Bill O’Reilly was willing to shell out THIRTY-TWO MILLION BUCKS to hide.
Fox has reportedly spent over $100,000,000 settling sexual harassment lawsuits. Well, that explains why they can’t afford to do any actual journalism.
Anyway, Fox dutifully spent the rest of the week ignoring this news to focus on how Harvey Weinstein personally wrote a third of the text of the ACA. Or maybe just putting fake veterans on the air to praise their fake President. Who knows? Who cares?
Well, I’ve got to get back to work on the Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension. It’s got this glitch where it keeps screaming about “blood and soil,” I dunno what that’s about. Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Resisters!
Kelly isn’t even a “military leader” any more. He’s retired from the military, giving him more time to sweep up the droppings left by his boss.
Don’t beat yourself up about failing to make millions by selling D.Ass fake paintings. Chances are good he didn’t actually pay whoever he “bought” it from.