Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Not Even One Year In, and Bill O’Reilly is Already Yelling at God
My friends, we are so deep in the Weeds of Madness now that we need Francis Ford Coppola to make a film titled APOCALYPSE EVERY THREE MINUTES OR SO starring a CGI Marlon Brando reciting Lady Gaga lyrics backwards with all the pretension he can muster.
So Comrade Shart keeps ignoring deadlines to impose legally-mandated sanctions on Russia, but he somehow found time to ban Bill Browder, one of Uncle Vlad’s very least favorite people, from entering the United States.
Browder is one of the leading advocates for the Magnitsky Act sanctions that keep fucking Vlad and his Merry Band of Oligarchs so very, very hard. So they fabricated some bullshit charges, sent ’em to Interpol, and Donald said “Yes boss, should I stooge out some more undercover operatives for ya today?” and Vlad chuckled and said “That won’t be necessary…but I will require you to DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE!”
And Lindsey Graham’s over in the corner, going “Golly Gee, my golfin’ pal Don seems to have a ‘blind spot‘ when it comes to Russia, and dip my balls in a bucket of ice cold sweet tea if I can figure out what it is!”
Fuck you, Lindsey.
So I guess we’re putting nuke-armed planes back on 24-hour alert, for the first time since Bell Biv DeVoe was charting? That’s neat. You thought DR. STRANGELOVE was satire? WELL, YOU’RE LIVIN’ IN IT NOW, CUUUUUUUUCKS!
Brad Parscale, digital director of the Shart Campaign, voted “Most Likely to Lie Under Oath” by his peers, gets his turn in front of the House Intelligence Committee soon. Don’t worry, Brad. I’m sure it’s just the latest zany coincidence, how all those Russian fake gnus sites micro-targeted their Pizzagate stories so dang well.
John McCain went on The View to sing a little song about Il Douche that went something like:
Lied about spurs on his bony bony
Dodging that draft cuz he’s such a phony
And then all the hosts asked “Hey, that orange-tinted fellow keeps threatening you, are you a-scurred of him at all?” and Senator McCain just laughed and laughed and laughed. And laughed.
We all understand how being laughed at sends SCROTUS into fits, so you know the pure, unadulterated, joyous, amusement radiating off Senator McCain at the mere thought of perceiving him as even the teeeeeniest bit frightening left him shaking his wee, inadequate, fists at the heavens in impotent rage.
(All the nuclear codes in the world won’t make a man out of you, Donald. And every human being on earth knows it.)
Couple this with the article in the Post about how everyone in congress views the Shart of the Deal as a blundering nincompoop who can’t be trusted, who knows fuckall about anything, LEAST OF ALL DEALMAKING, HAR HAR HAR, just a rube they manipulate like a spoiled child, and you can’t help but wonder whether or not Velveeta Goebbels understands that he’s become the most mocked man on Earth.
Scott Pruitt’s hiring a bunch of new security guards, allegedly due to threats received from talking cartoon animals from Fern Gully movies. No money for Meals on Wheels, but there are millions lying around for Scotty 2 Haughty, who feels fancier with his own personal, shittier, Secret Service. Got it.
Pruitt gets a private army, Zinke gets his own flag…what next? Maybe Wilbur Ross sets up a bear-baiting pit in the Herbert C. Hoover Building lobby?
Bill O’Reilly is 31 flavors of pissed off that the world found out about his $32 million Pervert Payoff. Apparently it’s a massive “hit job” by the dirty librul media to make him look bad?
Meanwhile, the rest of America is STILL trying to figure out what level of depravity a man has to sink to to necessitate a THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLAR PAYOUT.
THIRTY-TWO MILLION. I’ve typed and erased some genuinely horrifying speculations from this paragraph. Is there, like, video of O’Reilly eating Sean Hannity’s asshole after some sort of horrific spicy burrito challenge?
What’s publicly known about this settlement already heavily implies rape. A “nonconsensual sexual relationship.” That’s what’s already out there. And somehow, there’s something else, something worth THIRTY-TWO MILLION DOLLARS to cover up.
My brain is literally refusing to contemplate this further. Whatever Bill-O is hiding, it must be…god, I don’t even want to pick a word to end this sentence. SHUDDER.
(Oh fucking hell. While I’m writing tonight, I see that Bill O’Reilly, a dude who is WIDELY accused of serial sexual abuse, is now blaming God for his troubles. God. Motherfucking GOD. Bill O’Reilly, Lifelong Jagoff Pervert, is mad at YAHWEH ABOVE ALL for whatever nastiness led him to sign off on a 32 MILLION DOLLAR PERVERT SETTLEMENT. I retire, folks. I can’t top that shit.)
Moving on. The Marmalade Shartcannon continues his passionate devotion to the one issue that drives him above all others; attacking black women who have the audacity to criticize him.
In this case, that seems to mean using the full force of the famed Presidential bully pulpit to shit on the 24-year-old widow of a soldier killed serving his country.
Folks, I know we’re barely nine months into this unceasing, hurricane-grade, shitshow, and we sort of expect some new atrocity to manifest daily, but lest we become numb to the mendacious, casually racist, lazy evil of this regime, read that last sentence a couple more times to give it the weight it deserves.
The President of the United States, having caused a Gold Star widow unnecessary pain with his insensitive “condolence” call, rather than apologizing, or even just moving on with his life, decided to call her a liar. Publicly. Loudly.
Why? Why is the Commander in Chief taking time out of what ought to be a busy day just to attack a woman who wasn’t even allowed to open her husband’s casket, such was the state of his remains? Does he have nothing better to do? With millions of American citizens STILL without power in Puerto Rico?
How warped with racist hate do you have to be to make the decision our President made this morning, lying in bed with his phone, to tweet that attack on a grieving private citizen? And yeah, let’s be honest about the racism at work here…Eminem dumped on him in front of an audience of MILLIONS, and Shartboy didn’t say a thing. But a black woman, backed up by a a black, female member of Congress? THAT cannot pass uncontested.
…I’m just tired of being governed by a Walking Sack of Shit, is all I’m saying. A man who sees “very fine people” in a gathering of Nazi terrorists, but an enemy in a fallen soldier’s grieving wife.
Ex-Congressdeadbeat Joe Walsh spent the day fighting for his God-given inalienable right to shit on a family that gave more for their country than he ever will, surprising exactly nobody who recalls his race against Tammy Duckworth.
Look Joe, of COURSE you have the right to attack Myeshia Johnson. Shit, you have the RIGHT to wander the halls of a pediatric cancer ward, eating ice cream you refuse to share and taunting the patients with all the things you get to do that they don’t; it just makes you an enormous asshole.
Walsh is like one of those College Republican fratboys who act like the freedom of the entire Republic hinges on their personal right to use the N word.
As a super-fun sidebar to the Niger story, I guess it turns out that our Senators didn’t even know we had troops deployed there in the first place? Even Lindsey Graham, who has a complete set of Topps International Quagmire trading cards autographed by the commanding officers of each debacle, has been caught unawares.
I guess electing a know-nothing with a “Whatever You Want, General” approach to civilian oversight of the military wasn’t the best idea. HUH.
Also, Melania launched her anti-bullying campaign today. Are there any available jokes left on this topic? I don’t get these posts up until relatively late in the day, and I have to assume every inch of this particular field is well-trampled by now.
We’re getting a bunch of stories lately about how the GOP, so vigorous in their pursuit of “oversight” just one short year ago, seem curiously uninterested in monitoring the crimes of the executive branch these days, even as Jared Kushner leaves the office with pockets bulging with Revolutionary War-era silverware every night.
Apparently Elijah Cummings has been pestering Gowdy Doody to investigate those private e-mails Jar-Jar and Ivanka were using (you remember, the ones they hastily moved to Trump Organization servers once the media discovered them), which is weird, because you’d think Trey would be all over this, I seem to remember him getting REALLY worked up about private e-mail use in the past. Maybe I’m confused.
You sort of want to see a buddy cop show starring Cummings and Gowdy, where Elijah continually presses his partner to investigate crimes, but Trey refuses unless the alleged perpetrator is Hillary Clinton. At the end of every episode, America dies a little.
See that Politico story about all the fucktons of money Democratic candidates are raising for 2018 elections, and how much piss is accumulating in the collective pants of Republicans who have to face voters with “Hey, I know the President spends a lot of time golfing and defending Nazi terrorists, but at least we passed no bills that matter, vote for meeeeeeeohgodIknowhowstupiditsoundstoevenask,” with at least 162 candidates raising more than 100 grand already? GODDAMN THAT IS A SEXXXY STORY, IS IT NOT?
I don’t know about y’all, Resisters, but I am SEXUALLY AROUSED for the rapidly approaching opportunity to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Oh God, it’s just over a year away now, but I think I need to put some Marvin Gaye on. Unnnnnnnnnnnh.
I missed this one, but it looks like the Army Reserve, despite missing recruiting goals, has banned green card holders from enlisting, because racism is more important than security to the turdworms governing our country.
Knowing that the massive giveaway to the wealthy donor class their tax plan proposes will be frowned upon by the rubes who happily ate all those platefuls of horseshit Orange Julius Caesar fed them on the campaign trail, Republicans have decided to fall back on their one tried n’ true tactic: lying with shit-eating grins on their faces.
The standard line is that the “average” family will magically have $4,000 extra, through the magic of trickle-down economics, which will totally work this time, unlike all the other times.
The line also fudges a bit on the whole “average” thing. Yes, Secretary Mnuchin will save enough money to keep his trophy wife hanging around a year or two after the viagra stops working, and Donnie Dotard’s shitty devolved children will save enough to build a compound in some third world nation without an extradition treaty, but you? Shit, Dawg! Go ahead, splurge! Get sprinkles on that donut. Replace the laces in your work shoes. If you wanna get real nutz, take the whole family to the movies, just don’t order large sodas. POPULISM!
And Republicans in Iowa threw in the towel on their latest attempt to “restructure” Obamacare, having run into the same problem Republicans always encounter in their health care fuckery: how to take coverage away from their constituents while still avoiding blame for all the death n’ stuff. Call it the How Can We Get Them to Thank Us For Unplugging Gramma Conundrum.
Anyway, I’m tired, and I can’t think of a funny way to wrap up tonight’s post, FOR WHICH I BLAME GOD. Go about your business, all ye Resisters, all ye Cucks.