Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Memo Williams: The Adventure Begins
I don’t know how much more of this shit I can take, Resisters. I ate my therapy peacock three hours ago and now I’m picking my teeth with her last tail feather.
“Oh, it can’t be that bad, Cap. You’re exaggerating, Cap. Let’s poke around a bit, it’ll calm you down.”
What’s this? The nomination of widely-respected North Korea expert Victor Cha as Ambassador to South Korea was withdrawn because Cha is a CUCK who isn’t down with the idea of launching a preemptive strike on the nuclear-armed nutjobs in the Kim Jong-un regime?
“Never mind, Cap. This does indeed seem to be flaming batshit dropping from a colony of bats that are also on fire. Carry on.”
Let’s see. I last checked in on Monday night, right when the House Intelligence Committee voted to release Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes’ famous memo on how to extract maximum sexual gratification from the act of copulating with a pig. Or maybe it was about the FBI or something, I don’t always pay super-close attention to these things.
Anyhow. By Tuesday, Speaker Ryan was casually chatting about “cleansing” the FBI, which, in this zany new world where we nervously monitor our government for signs of fascism, lands closer to “This is your doctor, you need to get back to me right away” than “Let’s go to Build-A-Bear Workshop” on the Comforting Things to Hear Scale.
I see Mike Pompeo invited some Russian spymasters, one of whom is supposed to be a sanctions target, (Remember when laws mattered? Those were fun times.) over, probably to ask if they needed any help interfering in our midterms. I’m sure they availed themselves of the generous Classified Intelligence Buffet during their visit.
Speaking of Russia, Treasury was supposed to compile a list of Russian officials and oligarchs tied to the Putin regime, to be considered for potential sanctioning. Instead, because everyone in this entire fucking administration seems to have a religious objection to ever working at all, they just copied a Rich Russian Folks list from FORBES FUCKING MAGAZINE.
…I suppose we should be grateful they didn’t just copy and paste from the James Bond Wiki.
So, somebody dug up an old recording of Scott Pruitt saying “Donald Trump would wipe his ass with the Constitution and then miss the bowl and just leave the shit-covered Constitution there in the corner to get pissed on all day and then the night shift guy would have to pick it up.”
Confronted with the old quote, Pruitt became glassy-eyed, intoning, “Donald Trump is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life,” because ass-kissing is the currency of choice in the halls of power these days.
A Missouri GOP Senate candidate got caught espousing the sort of ideals regarding women’s rights that would place him deep in the regressive right wing of any Cro-Magnon cave. (“Him like Neanderthal Tom Cotton,” said Trurg, a community member who spends his days trying to beat fish to death with a club, “Me no like.”)
No, I’m not repeating myself. This is a DIFFERENT Missouri GOP Senate candidate. It’s like Claire McCaskill has been seeding her Show-Me State rivals with damaged clones grown from Todd Akin’s back hair.
And yeah, the State of the Union speech happened. Orange Julius Caesar lied a whole bunch, said a bunch of hateful ignorant shit, and then demanded to be hailed as some sort of historic unifying figure.
Mostly he was just boring. He ran out of steam pretty quickly, because the strain of, y’know, READING ALOUD FOR AN HOUR was just too much for a sloppy old man up way past his bedtime, especially when the hair-tonic-derived hallucinations started kicking in.
Of course he claimed it was the most-watched State of the Union of all time, and of course it wasn’t. But it WAS the squintiest and the droniest, so congratulations, You Shouty Colon Tumor, You.
Republicans seem to believe they’ve hit some sort of political goldmine in the Congressional Black Caucus refusing to stand and clap for Boss Shart’s horseshit line about black unemployment, (you’ve seen the fact-checking by now, I assume) like African-American voters are gonna find themselves inside the voting booth going, “Well, there’s Trump’s decades-long history of unapologetic racism, including his refusal to condemn white supremacists RIGHT AFTER ONE OF THEM COMMITTED AN ACT OF TERRORISM…but John Lewis didn’t clap that one time, so MAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAA!!!!”
And Sarah Huckabee Sanders thinks Nancy Pelosi should smile more. “Grimacing is MY thing, Nancy! If you start condescendingly lying to cover up for a cheap authoritarian goon’s assaults American democracy, I’m getting a copyright lawyer,” growled the Discourteous SHS.
Oh, and one of Shartboy’s most dedicated congressional henchmen brought an actual Holocaust denier as his official guest, after appearing on InfoWars a few days back. The future of the GOP is…clear, if not quite bright.
But that Kennedy kid gave a nice little speech, didn’t he? I liked the way he painted the Democrat Party as the Not Evil One.
Wandering through the Meth Country Wonderland we call “the news,” we find the head of the CDC had to resign…because she bought stock in a tobacco company while heading an agency dedicated to public health. It’s these little world-building details that make life under Dolt45 so authentically horrifying.
Let’s check in with Bill at the Abject Horror Desk. What’ve you got for us tonight, Bill?
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Hmmmmmm…well, I suppose we could talk about the “reverse abortion” thing.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: Oh, didn’t you hear about that one? The Office of Refugee Resettlement official who tried to force a totally unproven “abortion reversing” treatment on an undocumented teen in custody?
Cap: Bill, I don’t think I can –
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: The teen was a rape victim, did I mention that?
Cap: JESUS. BILL.
Bill at the Abject Horror Desk: These are the people running the country, Cap. Trying to conduct medical experiments on teenage rape victims. And all in the name of God, no doubt.
Cap: Alright Bill, we’re going to get back to the merely-terrifying news. I’m sure we’ll see you sooner than we’d like.
Remember when the Pennsylvania Supreme Court told the GOP they had to redraw their ridiculously-gerrymandered congressional district map? Well, the President Pro Tempore of the Pennsylvania Senate, apparently a graduate of the Roy Moore School of Law & Milkshake Shack, said “You can shove your constitutional checks and balances where the light of justice don’t shine!” before locking himself in his office, crafting a makeshift suit of armor from tinfoil and Amazon delivery boxes, topped with a Steelers helmet he bought as a gift but decided to keep, and screaming “I AM THE ONLY LAW!”
Foreign Policy tells us the Shart House dispatched Kellyanne Conway of all people to mop up the “shithole countries” fallout with a group of ambassadors from African nations. Kellyanne helpfully offered an Alternative Fact where her boss referred to their nations not as “shitholes” but “cherished allies, desirable tourist destinations, and who knows perhaps even future golf course locations?”
…I suppose better Conway than Stephen Miller.
Looks like we won’t have Gowdy Doody to kick around anymore. Yes, Trey, who has grown listless since his plan to spend four years nipping at President Hillary Clinton’s heels fell apart, will retire at the end of his term. Aides say he’s taken to spending entire afternoons absentmindedly flipping through notebooks full of disingenuous Benghazi remarks he’d brainstormed, enough to last all the way through 2020.
Seriously though, Gowdy has apparently grown tired of increasingly negative partisan politics, a phenomenon he’s had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with*.
Alright, I guess I have to talk about the MEMO now. For like, 72 paragraphs. Devin Nunes, you have ruined my whole fucking night.
Where to start?
Once upon a time, there was a Pigfucker. Named Devin. Devin lived in a magical realm called Up Donald Trump’s Ass. Pigfucker Devin would do anything to protect his homeland, anything at all. The trouble is, Devin was, in addition to being a Fucker of Pigs, also a Man With the Intelligence of a Melon Baller.
Devin woke in a fever one night, overcome with inspiration, and said aloud “I shall write a memo. A Memo! Yes, a Memo for the Ages!” He was so pleased with himself that he jostled awake the Red Wattle hog he picked up at the bar by the butcher shop, and fucked it again.
“The Memo can say whatever I like,” reasoned Devin. “I’ll say there’s a massive deep-state conspiracy against the President, that there’s nothing to the Russia investigation at all, and Bob Mueller’s acting out of jealousy because he can’t figure out how to tie his neckties that long!”
“And the best part is, no one will DARE contradict me, because I’m the one with the MEMO!”
…not the brightest lad, our Devin.
Needless to say, like a heist film scripted by a mudskipper, Devin’s plan has encountered some obstacles. Adam Schiff drafted his own counter-memo. FBI Director Christopher Wray has threatened a rebuttal of his own, perhaps also in Memo form, if he feels like keeping with the prevailing conventions.
Nunes responded by doctoring his Memo without resubmitting it to his Congressional Committee, which is really quite illegal, but that feels nitpicky here, doesn’t it? And the White House kicked it back to Devin and his lackeys, who will probably dump it out with the rest of the Friday news garbage, because suddenly folks’re starting to realize that Devin has a half-chewed wad of cud for a brain, and they’re not looking at a smoking gun, but rather a mostly-eaten animal cracker which kinda sorta looks like a gun if you hold it just right.
It’s like the Butter Battle Book, only with Memos.
I suppose I should mention that FBI Agent Peter Strzok, the dude whose text messages are supposed to prove this whole Deep State Conspiracy Against All Things Spray-Tanned and Perpetually Golfing theory, actually co-wrote the first draft of the letter James Comey would eventually use to FUCK UP THE ENTIRE GODDAMN PLANET, THANKS FOR THAT, JIMBO, about reopening the Clinton server investigation because of ANTHONY WEINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GOD I CAN’T EVEN TYPE HIS FUCKING NAME WITHOUT FLYING INTO A RAGE.
I keep pinching myself, but no, this is still real life. Goddammit.
Ok, I need something to cheer myself up. Ooooooo, this’ll do:
Has allegedly untouchable Drumpf shadow Hope Hicks finally stepped in a bear trap? Could be, could be. Former Team Shart legal spokesman Mark Corallo allegedly plans to tell The Bobadook that young Hope got in on some of that hot justice-obstructin’ action in the heady days of desperately-trying-to-craft-a-plausible-lie-about-Junior’s-Trump-Tower-meeting-with-the-Russkies.
Because we can’t escape the Lovecraftian horror of 21st Century America even in comedy, Jimmy Kimmel scrapped the bottom of the MAGA outhouse to bring some genuinely horrible humans** to belch up their ignorant hatred all over a DREAMer. Stop telling me I have an obligation to reach out to, or empathize with, people who’re this warped with rage. We all get one life. These folks got it wrong. Fuck ’em.
Oh hey, you remember back when Shart Garfunkel’s Labor Department said, “Y’know what would make America splendiferoulsy Great Again? If restaurant owners could steal tips from servers!” Well, it turns out they actively suppressed a study that said hard working servers would lose billions to their employers who would shockingly take advantage of being allowed to steal tips by stealing tips.
The ethics crew over at HUD tapped Dr. Ben Carson on the shoulder to say “Hey, you should maybe stop letting your son tag along on all this official business, it looks kinda grifty, y’know,” and Carson patted them on the head and said, “Ethics, how quaint. I think I shall use your offices to store grain.”
At the GOP retreat today, President Crotchvoid thanked Orrin Hatch for talking about how much better than Lincoln and Washington he is, and we all got embarrassment shivers observing the symbiotic relationship between the Sycophant and the Guy Who Constantly Radiates “Daddy Never Loved Me Please Fill the Void in My Rusted-Over Soul.”
Oh, and That Guy Who Was Manafort’s Sidekick or Something and Got Indicted at the Same Time and Probably Has a Name of His Own But I Don’t Give a Fuck? His legal team up and quit but their reasons for doing so are sealed and everybody thinks he’s got a new team working out a deal with Mueller because he doesn’t want to die in jail or something. Fun!
Ok, I’m out for the night…I’ve got a…MEMO to work on…
** Well. Human-shaped, at any rate.