Well, looks like Tom Hanks will be playing Mr. Rogers in a forthcoming biopic, and if that isn’t the most heartwarming thing I’ve heard in months, I don’t know what is.

Cling to that image, of Tom Hanks warmly intoning, “Won’t you be my neighbor?” because the rest of today’s news is like a sewage line exploded in a haunted house. One of those psychologically-scarring “Christian” haunted houses you read about.

Today was seriously fucked up, is what I’m saying. Put on a helmet before you read the rest of this blog.

I guess everybody’s mad now that we need to pay $24 million to replace the refrigerators on Air Force One, but hey, this one honestly isn’t Shartboy’s fault, the plane needs to be equipped for extreme emergency contingencies, and trust me, by the end of this blog you’ll have way too much other shit occupying your emotional bandwidth to care about a fucking fridge.

Ross Douthat penned a little column over the weekend, with the Stephen Kingworthy title “The Necessity of Stephen Miller.” The idea is, since Miller channels the sputtering, impotent, rage of the Very Fine People, he really deserves to be at the table during immigration talks, acting like backing off his proposal to make cross-burning materials tax-deductible counts as a major concession to the left.

Ross the Reasonable Racist is one of those gloriously clueless “rational” Republicans who acts like he doesn’t understand where Tangerine Idi Amin came from, and lives in denial of his personal role in shaping the American Right into the hate-belching rube army that chose a pussy-grabbing charlatan over Jeb(!) Bush.

Lemme help you out, Ross. Just because there are truly distressingly large numbers of bigoted shitbags in this country doesn’t mean we should legitimize their bigotry. It’s like saying, “Well, there are a whole bunch of creationists, they really should have a seat at the table when we’re writing science textbooks.”

I think we should make Ross live his entire life by this standard. Always konsult a Klansman for any decision, however minor!

“Should we go to our favorite steakhouse for dinner tonight, Richard Spencer?”

“No! Two of the servers are black, you race traitor, you!”

“What brand of toothpaste should I buy, Mike Cernovich?”

“Whichever one whitens the most, of course!”

ARRRRRGHH WHY AM I STILL WRITING ABOUT ROSS GODDAMN DOUTHAT?!? Today sucks.

Bernie Marcus, the Montgomery Burns Cosplayer who runs Home Depot took to Fux Nooz to sneer a bit about how Democrats are dumb and brainless for opposing the recent GOP bill that lowered Bernie Marcus’ taxes so much, presumably because he wants to lose the business of the majority of Americans who hate the bill, and are also likely less than fond of being taunted by oligarchs.

Marcus then returned to his estate for a light evening of bear-baiting and increasing the vending machine prices in his employee break rooms.

Jay-Z and the President of the United States of America are in what the kids call a “Twitter Feud,” because that’s just how life is now.

Y’know, Mr. President, I may not be a political scientist, but your pathological need to lash out at every black media figure that criticizes you probably outweighs the free ride you hitched on Obama’s economy, in terms of your approval rating with African-American voters.

Oh, and the “shithole” thing. And the “very fine people” thing. And the “Central Park Five” thing. And the “sued for racist renting practices” thing. But yeah, keep harping on the unemployment rate, that’ll work.

After giddily painting Harvey Weinstein as the founder and spiritual leader of the entire Democratic Party, Republicans seemed curiously unwillingly to apply similar standards to their own supercreep predator/megadonor/ahem, actual Party Finance Chair, Steve Wynn.

Wynn quietly resigned, but the GOP would very much like to keep his money, thank you. The Republican Governors Association made a hilarious show of giving back…SOME of the money he donated. Not all. Not most. Not, it must be said, even a significant percentage of it. Just…some. I only hope Spielberg lives long enough to immortalize your heroism on film, RGA.

And the Bonespur Buttplug, in a moment that rocked the entire fucking planet, declared he is not a feminist. In related news, I am not a radish.

Nikki Haley got mad at the Grammys for being political rather than just performing for her like trained monkeys. Nobody tell her about Bob Dylan.

Ultimately, Haley’s just pissy because Hillary Clinton’s cameo elicited a cheer her boss couldn’t get outside a Klan rally. At some point, these fucks need to come to terms with the fact that the majority of Americans despise them, and yeah, we got all the artists in the divorce. You’re probably sick of Kid Rock’s B-sides and Scott Baio’s one man show performing all the roles in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, but you should’ve thought of that before signing on to serve these fundamentally indecent fucksticks.

A formerly Fancy and Important Colorado Republican was sentenced for voter fraud, even though he tried whining really hard and blaming diabetes for making him steal his ex-wife’s vote. Personal responsibility for thee, fabricated medical symptoms for me.

Asked in an interview about climate change, Sharty McFly proclaimed that the ice caps are no longer melting, but are “at a record level,” because a witch’s curse dictates that he must tell at least one lie every four hours, or he will turn back into the bullfrog-with-hemorrhoids he actually is.

Golly, there’s a bottleneck at the exit door over in the House of Representatives, with an ever-expanding crowd of some of the shittiest old white dudes in America trying to get out before the Blue Wave washes them…er, flushes them away once and for all.

Add New Jersey’s Rodney Frelinghuysen to the pile of retirees. Rodney’s walking away from the chairmanship of the House Appropriations Committee, the kind of power most politicians only dream of, the kind of power it takes a lifetime to attain.

They fear us SO much, Resisters. And they should. November’s coming, and we all know what’s coming with it.

So, Mark Warner says the Senate Intelligence Committee has received new documents raising new questions and opening new avenues in their Russia investigation, which will perhaps one day lead to exciting new flavors of Skittles and Oreos. Sadly, we cannot see the contents of these documents at this time, because they are classified, and frankly, too sexxxxy for us to handle.

Oh, Senator! Why must you torment us like this? Coquettishly teasing us, like a saucy wench who “accidentally” reveals her ankle with a smile and wink? I want the full monty, Mark! We want to see you in nothing but pasties that have indictments written on them in extremely small print!

Hey, if you need a little pick-me-up in these dark, disturbing times, watch the interview Sean Spicer gave on MSNBC. Craig Melvin sets down a big fat plate of Sean’s own well-documented shit right in front of him, and feeds it to him, spoonful by spoonful. That should happen to Sean Spicer every single day and twice on Sundays.

CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin finally took a little responsibility for the media’s false equivalence during the 2016 campaign, ABOUT FUCKING TIME. Yes, Jeff, all the bullshit “Well, Trump is hella racist and credibly accused of sexual assault by more than a dozen women and unashamedly lies about everything but the REAL STORY is how Hillary Clinton only pretends to like hot sauce to pander to black voters” was super unhelpful. THANKS FOR THE DYSTOPIA.

With a historically loathed President tied to them like a bouquet of anchors, Republicans are desperate to show the electorate they haven’t let the Velveeta Vulgarian change their values. They’re the same backwards puritanical monsters they’ve always been, and that’s why they tried to push their 20-week abortion ban through Congress!

They failed as they knew they would, but they want America to be sure to remember that by gum, they’re the still the party that believes women are almost-but-not-quite people!

Deputy FBI Director Andrew McCabe resigned, or was forced out, or just got sick of Jeff Sessions stealing his lunch out of the fridge twice a week. Donnie Dotard has been pushing for McCabe’s ouster for months, I guess cuz he’s worried he hasn’t made enough enemies in the intelligence community.

In the wake of McCabe’s departure, NBC regaled us with a charming anecdote of the time the Idiot Manchild, throwing a tantrum because James Comey flew home in an FBI plane after being fired, suggested McCabe ask his loser wife how it felt to be a loser because of that time she lost like a loser. Weird they didn’t get along better.

(Y’know, one of the reasons I look forward to Drumpf’s eventual removal is a fondness for the days when the hierarchy of FBI leadership didn’t take up space in my brain. Worrying about breaking individual links in the chain of command on the way to a full-blown constitutional crisis isn’t as much fun as tracking baseball stats, is all I’m saying.)

You’d be forgiven, by the way, for thinking I got the story about the President’s tantrum wrong, because it wasn’t the only story about the President throwing a tantrum to break today. There weren’t a lot of stories about Barack Obama throwing tantrums, and I don’t think we properly appreciated that about him.

Here’s a fun tidbit! General John Kelly has taken to ending conversations with Justice Department officials with a little admonition to not do anything illegal or unethical. Yup, this is the point in American history we currently occupy; the Chief of Fucking Staff telling his team, “Absolutely no treason, you rapscallions, you!”

The Failing New York Times reports Melania was “blindsinded” upon learning her husband diddled a porn star and gave her a six figure hush money payoff because I guess she’s never actually met Donald Trump because literally no one else alive was even slightly surprised.

Things’re about to get a little dark, folks, so if you need a little more comic relief, why not visit this story of Fugitive Jerkwad Julian Assange trying to leak dirt on Mark Warner to a fake Sean Hannity account?

Today was the big deadline for the Shart Administration to impose new, legally-mandated, sanctions on Russia over that whole interfering-in-our-elections thing, but they decided to just…not.

That’s neat, isn’t it? Congress says “do this,” and the VERY PRESIDENT WHO SIGNED THE BILL INTO LAW just goes…”Nah. Don’t wanna.”

It’s EXTRA fun when the President refuses to protect THE FUCKING COUNTRY HE IS FUCKING PRESIDENT OF from the hostile actions of an adversarial foreign power. Like if Kennedy gave Khrushchev pointers on where to aim those Cuban missiles if he really wanted to fuck shit up.

Well shit, folks. I was working up tonight’s post and generally enjoying myself when the wheels came off the wagon and the wagon knocked over an outhouse and the shit from the outhouse hit the fan. Fuck.

There’s been a lot of news about Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes and his “I guess I’ll try nut-punch the entire FBI” memo. Devin’s master plan seems to rest on accusing Rod Rosenstein of improperly seeking an extension of FISA surveillance on Carter Page. CARTER PAGE. You could get a FISA court to approve surveillance on Carter Fucking Page based on some of the interviews that doorknob has given on television.

So tonight, Nunes’ committee voted, along partisan lines,  to bend to the will of the Russian Twitter bot network and release his bullshit memo. And NO, Adam Schiff, you can’t release YOUR counter-memo, the whole point of a disinformation campaign is disinformation, DUH, so we can’t have you prancing around with your silly ol’ HONESTY!

Oh, and Devin and his lackeys have opened an investigation into the Department of Justice and the FBI. Based on…nothing, really. Because law enforcement is the President’s enemy, because the President is a criminal. It’s really that simple. That’s why a handful of malicious idiots are trying to tear our democracy’s institutions down.

I guess when confronted with a problem like “What do you when your party’s utterly corrupt leader faces a day of reckoning?” the answer is, “You burn the nation’s law enforcement organizations to the ground and build yourself a throne of bone in the ashes!”

And the State of the Union is tomorrow night? Jesus Fuck. I see the governing party doesn’t have their shit together enough to spell-check their fucking tickets. “Uniom.” For all the respect you bastards have shown it, that sounds about right.

I’m certainly not going. Ruth Bader Ginsburg isn’t either. I bet she’s throwing a kegger. Think she’ll let me in?