Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Someday We Shall Build Statues of Bob Corker and Jeff Flake Bravely Quitting
Well, it’s scary movie season, but the box office is in the crapper, cuz the American people are all, “You think YOU got problems? Fuck you, I’d give my eye teeth* to just be dealing with an icepick-wielding maniac in a plastic mask. Your boy gets nuclear codes, gimmie a fuckin’ call.”
Let’s examine all the mid-week madness, shall we? (Giggles distractedly. Chews fingernails to the nub. Bleeds.)
Bob Corker has had enough, y’all. He’s investing in purple pants and running around Capitol Hill shouting BOB SMASH! He’s talking about how SCROTUS is a lying liar who lies, who’s fuckin’ up the USA’s relationships with the rest of the world, and who wants to grow up to be a DEBASER (De-base-errrrrr)
And then Jeff Flake joined in the fun, giving a rousing speech on the Senate floor that was largely about how shitty the President is but also about how he’s quitting before he can lose the election he was almost certainly going to lose next year.
And so you start to allow yourself a little hope, that the dam has finally broken, and the treasonweasels in the Republican Party might finally, FINALLY be ready to stand up to this jabbering cancer that’s gnawing away at everything that’s good and decent about this country…but then you find out that instead, they gave him a bunch of standing ovations in a party lunch, each taking turns giving him lap dances, and Ted Cruz’ was the best one because Littlefinger made fun of his wife and dad during the whole thing, and he cried a little.
And yeah, they turned right around that night to repeal a rule that allowed us the right to sue financial institutions when they rip us off, because in the end, they are still fucking Republicans, and Republicans gonna Republican, even if they do cross the low moral bar of criticizing an obviously evil, incompetent, under-qualified, idiotic, too-long-tie-wearing, dotard who threatens all life on this planet.
I dunno, folks. Bob Corker is not going to suddenly co-sponsor a single payer bill. John McCain will still try to give the Pentagon all the money in the world, up to and including the tip jar at the coffee shop down the road from the clinic where he gets cancer treatments. Jeff Flake is still going to…well, still going to be a goofy, useless, rank-and-file conservative wanker who’s wrong about more or less everything.
I don’t know how much we can or should expect from these folks, but from my chair, GOP Senators speaking out against the Shart is better than GOP Senators not speaking out against the Shart. Maybe not a whole lot better, but better.
Anyhow. Some protester pelted President Crotchvoid with Russian flags, which was, I must say, nicely done. I’d have chosen urinal cakes, but Russian flags are fine.
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes decided to bring the long-since debunked Uranium Deal Controvery back from beyond the grave. It doesn’t matter that it was debunked. As we saw from the heady days (years) of Benghazimania, all the Frothy Rube Army requires is some nebulous, ever-shifting, non-specific target to rage at, and they’ll rage most happily.
Wouldn’t it be nice, folks, if George Orwell were a little less right about human nature?
Shit, Devin won’t even need to pull out of Ma Howry’s Prized Sow to make this work. Couple of press releases about “uncooperative witnesses,” a few segments on Fux n’ Frenz about how the Lamestream Media won’t cover the story…we’ll have morons shootin’ up pizza restaurants again in NO time!
And of course there’s also gonna be a shiny new investigation into everybody’s old favorite, Hillary’s E-mails! Like a fresh-but-faithful new cover of a time-tested classic! That this comes as Republicans seem unwilling to investigate Jar-Jar and Ivanka for…conducting government business over…private e-mail held on a private server is…well, if hypocrisy bothered Republican congressfucks, they’d have all committed ritual suicide years ago.
Ryan Zinke’s been feeling a little neglected, y’all. Everybody’s been paying so much attention to big-league grifters like Steve Mnuchin and Tom Price, he’s jealous he’s not getting the credit he deserves! Cowboy Z can grift too, y’know!
Boy, can he! The Z-man seems to have steered a 300 million dollar contract to a couple of good ol’ boys back home. One day, you’re running a two-man outfit with absolutely zero experience in restoring power in a disaster zone, the next you’re living the high life, paying folks $462 an hour, even threatening to stop working if the local government doesn’t stop criticizing your corruption!
And that the company, Whitefish, is financed by major Trump donors/pals-of-Zinke? Just another coincidence, folks. It’s not as though your executive branch is just one big organized crime ring giddily distributing your tax money amongst their cheap grifter pals or anything.
The bipartisan Alexander-Murray ACA stabilization bill got a CBO score that says it’ll cut the deficit by billions without all the pesky murder from the GOP-only versions, but will McConnell and Ryan even allow a vote? Who knows? Especially now that Hatch-Brady popped up with more of that poor-murderin’ action that conservatives love so much.
Shartboy’s ducking out of a major international summit in the Philippines that had been scheduled for his coming Asia trip, because he is too old/fat/tired/stupid/lazy/sharty to actually do his job. DONNIE TWO-SCOOPS HAS GOLF, YOU GUYS. GOLF’S NOT GONNA GOLF ITSELF, Y’KNOW.
…and if nations like China and Russia gleefully step into the void left by our President’s slacker indifference? Fuck you, America. Your President simply does not care.
Speaking of international diplomacy, our new ambassador to Canada has looked at climate science from Both Sides, Now…and finds them more or less equal, which is NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS, YOU DIZZY TWIT.
Will Justin Trudeau find it insulting that we’ve sent an ambassador that couldn’t pass third grade? Hope not. If he starts takin’ pointers from the North Koreans…we got trouble, friends.
Oh, look at this. Another politically motivated murder by a deranged Drumpf supporter. Actually killed his own dad. Hey, if we’re not too busy leaving refugees to die in war zones in order to placate paranoid dumbasses, maybe we can talk about the rapidly-expanding problem of deranged, radicalized-by-the-right-wing-internet, rage-filled, murderous, shitsack white boys?
See where Precious Paul Manafort is now under investigation by the Manhattan U.S. attorney’s office for money laundering? For the kids keeping score at home, that’s a STATE-level charge, so Boss Shart has none of that magic pardoning power, and therefore this particular news surely sent more than a few sets of testicles shrinking into hiding.
…shines a little light on why Don the Con has been personally interviewing U.S. attorney candidates, though.
In a little bit of good news, the Jane Doe in federal immigration detention was granted the right to have the abortion she was always legally entitled to, despite the GOVERNMENT OF THE UNITED FUCKING STATES fighting tooth and nail to prevent it. Mike Pence must’ve been too busy to barge into the room and personally tackle the doctor, I guess. Probably masturbating to photographs of aging, unadopted, house pets.
And hey, Kid Rock won’t actually be running for the Senate, that counts as a win, right? Shit, TWO good news stories in one blog post? I may just celebrate with a pouch of freeze-dried chocolate pudding from the fallout shelter I’m building!
Princess Ivanka’s campaigning her ass off for the tax “reform” bill that’ll save her millions, demonstrating more dedication than she’s shown for any other issue that’s grabbed her fancy to date, isn’t that WEIRD?
Meanwhile we learned that the DNC took over bankrolling the opposition research that resulted in the famous Piss Dossier once Republicans gave up and went Full Fascist. This is otherwise known as Politics as Usual, but golly, Smallhands Magoo and his craven media surrogates are celebrating like he cast off this whole Russia thang once and for all.
Heh. Let ’em, says I. Mueller’s still on the job. If the indictments come as a shocking surprise, well…that’s just sprinkles on the cupcake.
In contrast, we learned that the Shart Campaign’s data team at Cambridge Analytica went to Julian Assange for some of those sweet, sweet, hacked Clinton e-mails, which is, y’know, a CRIME. Assange even confirmed it, but I guess the deal fell apart when Cambridge proved incapable of smuggling a hooker carrying nine boxes of Julian’s favorite Little Debbie Snack Cakes into the Ecuadorian embassy where he’s hiding like a coward from rape charges.
Let’s check in on the Perpetual Motion Trumpal Nut-Punching Machine we call “Polling.” Still the least popular president ever? Check. Record low in the Fux Gnuz poll? Check. Underwater in fucking INDIANA? Check. Oh, and the Fux poll had Dems up on the generic congressional ballot…by FIFTEEN points.
The Candycorn Skidmark gave a little impromptu press conference today, talking mostly about great and smart he is (as we all know, the one true hallmark of intelligence is repeated declarations of intelligence. Isaac Newton was notorious for his “Smarter than you, dumbass!” t-shirts.) He shit on Flake a bit, and that one war widow lady, too, and reminded us that his daddy bought him a spot in a fancy college.
He says he has one of the “greatest memories of all time,” which is particularly comical coming from the guy who frequently wanders out of signing ceremonies without remembering to sign the fucking bill they threw the whole fucking ceremony for in the first place.
As questions mount relating to the disastrous terrorist ambush in Niger, your Commander in Chief wants you to know that come hell or high or water…he had nothing whatsoever to do with it. Civilian oversight of the military has been reduced to “I told you, do whatever the fuck you want, CAN’T YOU SEE I’M GOLFING,” heaven help us all.
Ben Carson hasn’t been in the news much lately, but don’t worry, he’s still a huge festering asshole.
ACA premiums are going up, an average of 34% for silver plans, which Baron Golfin von Fatfuk somewhat hilariously imagines he won’t be blamed for.
Hey, the government wants to double the prices to gain entry to a bunch of national parks, isn’t that somethin’? Even the MOTHERFUCKING OUTDOORS is only for rich people now! “Oh, you wanted to partake of our nation’s majestic natural beauty? Well, you shoulda made more $$$$$, you fucking PARASITE! STOP BREATHING MY AIR, TAKER!”
And looka here, the Republican candidate for Virginia governor is closing out the race with an ad supporting…Confederate monuments? And to think, some say the GOP is out of ideas.
And of course, Team Shart STILL refuses to actually implement the Russia sanctions passed into law, because they are in no way beholden to Uncle Vlad or his merry band of oligarch gangsters, WINK WINK.
Before we sign off, don’t miss this NYT piece on General John Kelly…maybe not one of the worst guys, but definitely not one of the good guys.
Since it’s almost Halloween, I suppose I should try to scare you a bit before I go, right? Ok, but fair warning: send the kids out of the room before you click THIS LINK.
*What the fuck are eye teeth? I don’t fuckin’ know. I don’t fuckin’ care. You can have ’em.
OK, your Halloween scare IS scary, but I’m going to bet the fat seedy alcoholic succumbs to end-stage alcoholism (DTs, cirrhosis, blackouts) before then.