American Madness Journal

Hey, I guess they found water on Mars? GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME. My bags are packed, y’all. Rocket me the fuck off this planet before somebody does something legitimately insane, like invent mayonnaise-flavored ice cream. ...GODDAMMIT! There probably isn't any money left...

Anybody else holding out hope that one morning, you'll wake up in your bed back on the farm in Kansas, with Aunt Em and Uncle Henry and three farmhands who look suspiciously like Adam Schiff, Robert Mueller, and Rachel Maddow huddled around you, and maybe that night...

Greetings, Shower Captives! It is I, Shower Cap But From the Future! I have returned from the trenches of Montenegro in 2025 to warn you of the impending Fourth World War That's Right Montenegro Actually Starts Two Different World Wars in the Next Ten Years! Anyway,...

Hello Comrades! Tonite, fantabulous new direction for blog! We join new world order, tell poop jokes about Crooked Hillary's e-mail server and Elizabeth Pocahontas! What? Nyet, am not Russian bot, am Bath Cap! Kidding of course. But today has been batshittier than...

The madness has a distinctly international flavor this week, as though we've all been locked inside the It's a Small World ride with nothing but hallucinogenic mushrooms to eat. Well, let's get this shit over with. Everybody has their own little vices, right? Maybe...

Honestly, I would like to be released from this so-called Fun House now. It's been a year and a half. The cotton candy is stale, the mirrors make me look bloated and orange, and the clowns insist on setting foreign policy. I wonder if Mike Pompeo has noticed the Cuck...

Another day in the goddamn madhouse. This is the week I read about a bunch of lions devouring some poachers and felt a pang of envy. Lions don't have to wait till the midterms to solve their problems, y'know? I am totally not advocating eating Donald Trump, by the...

This week, we celebrate Independence Day. And we should celebrate extra hard, because Paul Manafort can't. I don't think they allow Roman Candles in solitary. Kim Jong-un is certainly throwing a party, in honor of his Independence From Having to do Anything Even...

Hey you. Yeah, you. Crawl out from under that blanket. Yes, I know it's been a shitty week, but we have work to do. Did I say shitty? That may be understating it. The Supreme Court really rubbed our faces in the whole “instead of Merrick Garland you have a...

Y'know, now that we've spent a couple weeks inside Stephen Miller's shitty Harry Potter fanfic, where Hogwarts is a military-run detention camp with government-orphaned kids sleeping in cages under space blankets...I have to say I don't much care for it. It's been a...

As the nation grapples with issues like “Is the free press really worth the trouble?” and, “Baby jails, Good, or Nah?” the New York Times helpfully reminds us that the REAL problem in America today is an all-around lack of civility, on all sides, shame on everyone....

Having a hard time with this one, friends. The gags don't come as easily when when you're dealing with atrocity, rather than the standard buffoonery. Like, “Didja hear the one about racist fascist president who took thousands of children hostage?” There's no...

Hey hey, Shower Captives! We're gonna play a little game with today's blog. Without scrolling ahead, see if you can guess how many different stories of the GOP's increasingly inhumane racism/bigotry/unashamed open white supremacy appear in this round-up, which picks...

Excellent news, Comrades! The Antifa-Canada alliance has been finalized, and the launch of Operation Jade Helm II: Deep State Boogaloo is imminent! Pick up your Soros-issued paycheck at the Pizzagate joint in your neighborhood, and await General De Niro's orders! Paul...

Scientists have created a “psychopath artificial intelligence” by giving it input from the darkest corners of the internet hell men call “Reddit.” Just to spice things up a bit, I have turned today's blog over to this AI. ...just kidding. All this shit happened. In...

It's another one of those days when you can't tell which is greater; the malevolence of the ruling regime and their allies, or their raw, mush-brained, imbecility. It's like watching a pack of meth-addled clowns attack the Lincoln Monument with hammers and hacksaws....

Hey hey, Shower Captives. First weekend update in awhile, trying to get back to the old schedule. I'm swinging between extremes of laughing my ass at off at the absurd incompetence of the reigning regime and weeping uncontrollably at their cruelty, so cut me some...

Fuck, y’all, even I can't keep up with this shit anymore. Today's news is like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Then One Firebombed the Cuckoo's Nest Like Dresden, and Then One Sent a Platoon Full of Soldiers in Clown Makeup Into the Cuckoo's Nest. Anyway, I mixed a...

I think we need to give even more thanks than usual to our fallen military heroes this particular Memorial Day, since many of them are surely a little restless in the afterlife tonight, wondering, “Wait, I died so this Bloated Tick Grifter could assault the rule of...

If this week's news were a political novel, I would compliment the author on the way she veered seamlessly between the high-stakes drama of malignant forces working to destroy the very foundations of the American experiment and the comic buffoonery of blithering...

I’m willing to admit I may’ve overstated the dangers of a second Trump term. He’ll only be a dictator on “day one?” Shoot, that’s not so bad. We should all get twenty-four hours of tyranny, don’tcha think? On mine, we’re gonna round up everybody who holds up the line...

  Probably the most disappointing thing about the Trump era is the way it proves we’ll never figure out time travel. Think about it, you wouldn’t’ve been able to step outside for a gas station hot dog in 2016 without encountering a dozen wild-eyed dudes in Pod...

  Greetings fellow vermin! Say, is it just me, or is it gettin’ kinda fashy in here? Cuz that kooky Republican frontrunner simply refuses to stop talking like Hitler, and speaking as one of the “radical left thugs” whose “entire existence will be crushed when...

Well, my efforts to escape into an alternate reality where James Comey kept his ego in check have yet to bear fruit, so I suppose I may as well chronicle the insanity in this one. Where I’m trapped. With the dumbest, craziest, shittiest motherfuckers in human history....

  I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got...