Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
On Shitholes, Subpoenas, and Starbursts
With the three-day weekend, surely the madness slowed down, if only a bit, right?
No? Fuck. Fine. Sprinkle some bath salts on your Tide Pods, and let’s wade through the muck.
I have to admit I’m impressed with the legs on ShitholeGate*. We’ve grown accustomed to moving from atrocity to atrocity with great rapidity, but here we are, five whole days later, discussing the finer points of difference between a Shithole and a Shithouse.
Tom Cotton and David Perdue are two of my favorite characters in this farce…It’s fascinating in a way, looking at the handful of dumbfucks who somehow take in all of the (ample) data available, and decide, “Yes, I would like to climb aboard this sinking ship. Which is also on fire. And covered in angry bees.”
Should somebody tell Perdue that Shartboy’s approval numbers in George are 37-59? Or that the Democratic Party finally figured out how to turn out African-American and suburban female voters in droves, in the recent electoral ass-whoopings administered in Virginia and Alabama? And that he has to run for re-election in the very same year the American people will be fired up to erase the stain of Trumpism from our country once and for all?
Y’know what? Don’t tell him. It’s better if it’s a surprise.
Lindsey Graham took advantage of the evolving rules governing Use of Profanity by a Public Figure to proclaim the state of the immigration debate to be a “Shitshow,” (okay, he said “S” show, but that’s just because he’s a CUCK.) and claimed surprise that his golfin’ buddy turned into a raging, maniacal bigot.
Graham went on to blame Shart Garfunkel’s “staff” coughcoughStephenMiller for leading him astray, as though we’re not talking about the dude who refused to rent to black people and fueled his entire campaign on pandering to the racial grievances of the shittiest white people walking God’s Green Earth. (The Washington Post’s reporting on the infamous ShitholeOrMaybeHouse Meeting supports Senator Graham’s theory, for the record.)
Grimacing Lie Dispenser Sarah Huckabee Sanders, confronted with her boss’ racism, puked up some drivel about “If he’s so racist, how was he on the magic television box for so long? CHECKMATE, LIBTARDS!”
…Sarah’s not going to be asked to coach her children’s high school debate team when the time comes, is all I’m saying.
Anyway, I think the Marmalade Shartcannon settled the racism question once and for all on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, which your average, run-of-the-mill President marks by engaging in relatively unglamorous acts of public service, by going golfing, even though he had gone golfing on each of the two previous days.
Vice President Pence, because he has nary a functioning brain cell in his entire head, figured this was the perfect moment in time to attend a Martin Luther King Junior Day service in a black Baptist church. And wouldn’tcha know, the WEIRDEST FUCKING THING happened, the pastor took the completely unpredictable “The racist garbage the President shat from his mouth was bad and we don’t like it” position in his sermon.
We’re told Mikey Hairshirt turned beet red in rage, having been somehow blindsided by The Single Most Obvious Thing Ever to Occur in Human History. Shit. Talk about staff failures. “Why don’t you go to African-American church this weekend, Mr. Vice President? I’m fairly certain you will greeted primarily with hugs.”
WaPo told the tale of one of Washington’s most powerful Republicans, House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, currying favor with the man who loves having his ass kissed the way Paula Deen loves butter (and inappropriate costuming choices!), by having his staff pick out just the red and pink Starbursts (at taxpayer expense, I’d add), because those are the ones Boss Shart likes best.
Y’know, the GOP’s humiliating obsequiousness is surely one of the reasons the country is turning on them. We want leaders, not sniveling sycophants. And I tell you what, McCarthy’s so far up Trump’s ass he’s probably recycling those pink Starbursts.
By the way, the President won’t eat the orange chunks of unnaturally processed food goo because that would be cannibalism.
So, there’s a story out there about how the intelligence community warned Jared Kushner that his bestest chum, Wendi, who is Rupert Murdoch’s ex-wife and also maybe diddled Putin, might be a Chinese spy manipulating him into allowing the building of a giant spy tower in the National Arboretum.
I’d make a joke or something, but can I top that? No.
And the kitchens down at Marm-a-Lago keep getting hit with health code violations. Nice to know that the same dude who runs a joint that stores milk at unsafe temperatures gets to order drone strikes, isn’t it?
The Shart Administration announced it’s withholding $65 million in aid for Palestinian refugees, because they’re trying extra hard to prove they’re not bigots, I guess.
Oozing Literal-and-Figurative Leper Steve Bannon had quite a day today! First, he was subpoenaed by the Mueller investigation. Then he sat down for closed-door testimony before the House Intelligence Committee (I hope someone cracked a window, concentrated cheap gin fumes can be toxic), where he refused to answer questions, and got slapped with a couple MORE subpoenas.
This actually plays into Bannon’s master plan, as he now has two whole days with someone to talk to on an otherwise barren calendar.
Anyway, congratulate Orange Julius Caesar! The first year of his reign saw the first increase in the number of uninsured Americans in the history of the Gallup-Sharecare poll! 3.2 million more citizens without health insurance! All that extra illness and fear of medical bankruptcy? Surely that was the last remaining obstacle to American Greatness!
Hey, didja see this study? The one where 42% of Republicans think that a story counts as “fake news” if it makes them or their God Emperor look bad, even if they acknowledge it as accurate?
That’s fucking amazing, folks. Sometimes you look at the brainwashing the Fox/talk radio/Breitbart bubble accomplishes, and you just have to resentfully slow-clap. You’ve created a millions-strong army of rubes, utterly deranged by your relentless disinformation campaign. Shit, if they’ll vote for the people who openly promise to take away their health care just to give rich people more money, when the day comes, they’ll not only merrily demand you open the Soylent Green factories, they’ll march in with sloppy grins plastered across their faces.
I feel like I should pep y’all up a bit, after that. Ok, here you go…we’ve got the entire Democratic Senate Caucus plus Occasional Human Being Susan Collins on board with a net neutrality bill! Hey, if your SenateMonster is of the elephantine persuasion, give ’em a call, let ’em know how you feel!
Kentucky Governor “Murderous” Matt Bevin is taking his revolutionary new “Government By Blackmail” scheme out for a test drive. Bevin says if the courts hold up his plan to impose work requirements on Medicaid recipients, he’ll end his state’s popular and effective Medicaid expansion, kicking as many as 400,000 of his constituents off the rolls.
Isn’t that nifty? I won’t claim I know jack shit about Kentucky law, but the Governor’s saying that IF his proposal runs afoul of it, and the courts insist on doing something nutty like, y’know, ENFORCING THE FUCKING LAW, he’ll just…ruin a bunch of people’s lives, even kill a few. Maybe I’m just old-fashioned, but I think our elected officials should come down on the side of “the people who pay my salary deserve to be alive.”
And congratulate yourself, because you had a better day than DHS Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen! She got yelled at a whole bunch, and that’s fine, she totally deserves it, because she’s pretending she never heard Smallhands Magoo say Shithole or Shithouse or Shithorse or ShitHowieMandel, because she just doesn’t pay attention in meetings, I guess.
She got yelled by Dick Durbin for lying for her shitty racist boss. She got yelled at by Kamala Harris for pretending we don’t have white supremacist terrorists all up in our shit, killing folks. She got yelled at, and later roundly mocked, for not knowing Norway is as full of white people as a Faith Hill concert. Shit got so cray in that hearing, Orrin Hatch had to TAKE OFF GLASSES HE WASN’T EVEN FUCKING WEARING.
And she got righteously dragged by Cory Booker, who is certainly not auditioning a potential 2020 Presidential candidacy persona, no siree.
It seems the propaganda-spinning spiders over at Fux Nooz had the Stormy Daniels story during the campaign, but decided to kill it, because of how fair and balanced they are. While it might’ve imposed on their relentless e-mail server coverage, I bet they could’ve squeezed it in if they wanted to. Just interrupt Tucker Carlson screaming “BENGHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZIIIIIIIDonaldTrumpcheatedonhiswifewithapornstarIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!”
And most of the National Park System Advisory board resigned in protest because Cowboy Ryan Zinke refused to hold their legally mandated meetings, or even meet with them at all, even as he jacked up a bunch of entrance fees, cuz the treasures of our nation’s natural beauty are for makers not takers, you filthy poor people, you!
The doctor who evaluated Fat Q*Bert last week gave a longer press conference than the President himself has in a year or so, saying a bunch of Totally True Things like that Drumpf is two inches taller than Obama, and weighs only 239 pounds. Anyway, we’re talking about a deeply respected medical professional, who has most likely had his hand up that hideous, cavernous, ass, so I’m willing to cut him some slack.
Anyway, President Crotchvoid remains historically unpopular, and thus the midterm Blue Wave is closer than it’s ever been. Let’s get behind our incumbents and our candidates, Resisters. Donate. Phone bank. VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS. Tell your friends to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS.
I’m positively itchy to take my country back.
*NICE GAMS, SHITHOLEGATE!
Thank you for your great post!
You’re killing me, Cap, you’re killing me. “McCarthy’s so far up trump’s ass he’s probably recycling those pink Starbursts.” I can’t decide if you are obscenely brilliant or brilliantly obscene, so I’m going with both. Thanks for your humor therapy. I need it.
I’m in rural Kentucky. You are being too kind, really. The locals “think” that the cuts will only remove people of the minority persuasion and block new folks from getting any help. They don’t think anyone means THEM, after all, they supported bevin, they voted trump, they’re good Americans. And the good Americans (white Christian, mostly klan a few natzis) are going to be rewarded. Cue the hymn ‘yes, Rand Paul loves me’