Der Postmeister Postmaster General
Donald Trump had a problem. A problem called “democracy.” See, he LIKED being President, (well, not the work part, but definitely charging the Secret Service to pee) but those rat-bastard Founding Fathers built all these dumb ol’ “elections” into their dumb ol’ “Constitution,” and smack dab in the middle of an economy you personally wrecked and a pandemic you disastrously mismanaged is nobody’s idea of a great time for a performance review.
Pigfucker Multipurpose Trump Tool
Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes was an early adopter of Donald Trump’s unique blend of authoritarianism and kakistocracy, and it’s not hard to understand why; it takes a whole lotta institutional white supremacy to keep men so maliciously mediocre in positions of power.
Wrinkly Gamera Breaker of Senates
There is no greater proof that the Republican base has no goddamn sense than Mitch McConnell’s consistently dismal approval rating from voters of his own party; the man is absolute ghoul, yes, and certainly he projects little folksy warmth, but he puts Ws on the board. Big ones. More than anybody I’ve ever seen.
Reichskommissar Floridaman Death Cult Reality Show Competitor/Actual Fucking Governor
One of Trump’s earliest congressional taint remoras, Ron DeSantis rode a wave of I’m With Stupid first to the Florida GOP’s 2018 gubernatorial nomination, and then, because learning from mistakes is apparently for cucks, to a narrow general election victory.
Liar Tuck Middling Telefascist
To level with y’all up front, I think Tucker Carlson is the most dangerous man in America. He’s the mouth of American fascism, and Donald Trump’s unofficial Chief Disinformation Dispenser, and, ultimately, a manufacturer of brownshirts.
The Vainglorious MTG Actual Fucking Congresswoman, Heaven Help Us
Take an unusually weak mind, surgically remove evolution’s hard-won capacity to tell fact from fiction, fill the empty spaces with hate, and you’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene. Drop that mind in the middle of the I-know-we’re-not-supposed-to-dismiss-MAGA-whites-as-racist-hillbillies-but-COME-ON shithole known as the Georgia 14th, and you’ve got the dumbest, most malicious member of the United States Congress, and ascendant American fascism’s loudest, vilest mouth.
Incesto, the Treasonous Clown Freelance Legal Idiot
When Rudy Giuliani, having just chugged a bottle of methamphetamine-laced NyQuil, stumbled onstage to deliver his apocalyptic sermon of fear at the 2016 Republican Nation Convention, you knew something was deeply fucked in this country.
Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
POMPEY THE NOT GREAT
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
THE EMPRESS MALARIA
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Shower Cap’s Shithole Shutdown Shpectacular! (And Shark Show!)
Hey folks…just hanging around, waiting for the government to shut down, with a snifter full of laudanum and a box of Target wine, thought I’d see if you wanted to give the week’s madness a once-over.
Let’s start with a little good gnus.
Team Blue flipped a ruby red state senate seat in Wisconsin, continuing our relentless march to reclaim our country from the army of raging nitwits currently Fucking Up All the Shit. Scott Walker belched up a panicked tweetstorm about what a WAKE UP CALL this is for the GOP, cuz it’s lookin’ like he’ll get recalled for real this time.
Scott. You fucks had ten thousand wake up calls on the path to letting this cheap fascist crook take over your party. Everyone’s awake now. There’s nothing left for you at this late date but consequences.
The FBI is investigating how maybe just maybe a Big Fancy Kremlin Banker Dude filtered a bunch of money to the NRA to spend on electing a certain Bloated Orange Clod last November. Which would be 31 flavors of illegal.
Folks. If Mueller and company wind up taint-punting the terrorist death merchants at the National Rifle Association, I can’t imagine how I would ever remove the sloppy, ear-to-ear grin from my face.
…unless of course, the Failing New York Times turns over their entire editorial page to the slobbering hateyokels of Sharty McFly’s “base” again. When does the Resistance get the Op-Ed page, NYT?
We keep learning more about Fat Q*Bert’s extra-marital excursion with porn star Stormy Daniels. Fun little details, like which magazine he likes to be spanked with, and a laughable anecdote regarding how he wouldn’t give money to shark-based charities because he doesn’t like sharks, which is hilarious since we know he doesn’t give money to ANY charities, because he is cheap and immoral.
And of course, the expected-but-still-dry-heave-inducing bit about how she reminded him of his daughter.
(This space left blank to give reader time to vomit and brush their teeth.)
Also, Trump paid Daniels $130,000 in hush money, which means the President of the United States is demonstrably blackmailable! I bet no foreign intelligence agencies at ALL knew about that until they read about it in the Wall Street Journal, don’t you? I mean, since Michael Cohen was SO careful in setting up a shell company in Delaware to facilitate the BLACKMAIL PAYOUT and all.
Retreating Senator Jeff “Frenchy” Flake, a few days after alerting the national media to the Very Brave Speech he intended to give, took to the floor of the Senate to deliver his Very Brave Speech, which the media reported as Very Brave, Indeed. He said something about Stalin, I’m told.
Excuse me, as I wipe a tear from my eye, contemplating Senator Flake’s bravery. How noble, to Say Some Critical Things about the man you vote with 90% of the time. You should change your name to Gilgamesh, You Epic Hero, You.
So, HHS decided that health care workers should have the right to deny care to patients based on their religious beliefs. Or, more accurately, based on any beliefs or biases or prejudices at all, so long as you’re willing to go, “Yeah, I hate this person because God does, sure, whatever.”
Anyway, be sure to screen all the doctors and nurses when selecting your post-accident emergency room. You’d hate to find yourself in a situation where you’re on the operating table, and the surgeon finds your tummy full of some food she thinks God doesn’t want you to eat, cuz now she can just yell “Religious Freedom!” drop the calipers in your chest cavity, and let you bleed out.
Having successfully identified a drawing of a lion, the Man With Phalangeal Stunting declared himself Master of Basic Cognition Tests, and therefore no wonder all those Bushes and Clintons and Obamas left the North Korea problem for him to solve, for he is truly The Passer of Tests, and statues shall surely be erected of him Looking at a Drawing of a Lion and saying “Lo, That is a Lion!”
In related news, having pulled up my underpants ALL BY MYSELF for several years running now, I am submitting my candidacy for U.N. Secretary General.
The Bonespur Buttplug finally released, after several delays, his Fake News Awards, and, like all Trump promises, the results were lackluster. (Just ask Stormy Daniels ayyyyyoooooooooo!) Yeah, the website crashed so quickly, you’d think it was the ACA’s, and when it was finally up and running, it landed with a barely-audible thump, to a resounding “whatever.”
Anyhow, it’s a comfort to know this was what the President was working on, instead of keeping the government open.
Much of the shutdown debate hinges on immigration policy. Conservatives want Americans to believe that immigrants are basically a massive gang of criminals, looking to infiltrate our society, and I have to admit we received at least an anecdotal data point supporting their position.
I’m referring of course to America’s Favorite Flabby Fascist, Sebastian Gorka, who apparently has an outstanding warrant on a gun charge in Hungary where he was a member of a borderline-Nazi organization. They’re not sending us their best, Mr. President, but you don’t have to give them FUCKING WHITE HOUSE JOBS.
John Kelly said something about how his boss is a Giant Fucking Moron regarding his big stupid wall, and there were a bunch of articles about how the Idiot Manbaby got mad at him, and then we were treated to a stampede of thinkpieces about whether Kelly is a villainous enabler or the only adult in the room, and look, people, we’re just going to have to wait for the tell-all books, when we’ll learn just how close we came to worldwide atomic holocaust, and who precisely tackled him on the way to The Button.
…unless of course nobody tackles him.
Foreign Policy says Il Douche personally ordered Steve Bannon to sit in oily silence rather than answer the House Intelligence Committee’s questions, because I guess he still thinks “obstruction of justice” is a game show or something.
Meanwhile, Trumpal lawyer Ty Cobb says his client is so “eager” to talk to Robert Mueller that he’s set aside his favorite too-long tie in anticipation of the meeting! Cobb did express concern about a potential interview being a “perjury trap,” which is sharp thinking, since your boy just lied about his fucking height the other day.
Congress introduced a bill that would prohibit taxpayer funds from being used to settle sexual harassment claims against members of Congress. In other news, using taxpayer money to settle sexual harassment claims against members of Congress is totally legal right now. NEAT.
So we’re a year into the Age of Shart, let’s check in on the status of America’s Greatness. There’s plenty of polling, let’s see what it says!
53% of Americans see Shartboy’s first year as a “failure,” though I’d like to see the numbers run again with “pathetic failure/massive loser/probably needs to look up how to tie his shoes on the internet every morning” option.
And around half the country “strongly disapproves” of the President’s performance, which is pollspeak for “Holy fuck, we’d rather get shingles than have you as our President, you enormous sack of shit.”
Oh, but Obama’s more popular than ever!
On the other hand, one front that’s seen a historic upswing is White Supremacist Violence! Yes, 2017 doubled 2016’s number of murders committed by the Very Fine People! And while we refuse entry to refugees and enact racist travel bans, these increasingly-violent racist thugs have one of their very own setting immigration policy in the White House!
But the historic achievements don’t stop there! Congratulations, President Fuckup, only YOU could’ve driven America’s standing in the community of nations directly to the bottom of a campground outhouse in just one short year! International approval of American leadership plunged an outlandish 18 points over the last 365, landing us BEHIND CHINA. MAAAAAAAAAAAGAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!
And hey, Shartboy’s Inaugural committee refuses to tell anybody what it did with the leftover millions from his hilariously-under-attended inauguration. What’re they hiding, you may ask? My most reliable sources* say PISS HOOKERS AND OVER-COOKED STEAKS.
Have you ever noticed that the first time you hear a rank-and-file Republican CongressGoon’s name, it’s inevitably because he’s making an ass of himself? (And yeah, it’s usually a dude, let’s be honest.) Like, remember the first time you learned Scott Dejarlais’ name? Or Blake Farenthold’s?
See, I didn’t even know there WAS a Scott Perry in the House, serving the Pennsylvania 4th, until he popped up to jabber some weapons-grade InfoWars conspiracy theory nonsense about how the Las Vegas shooting was the work of ISIS, and there was “terrorist infiltration through the southern border” despite the shooter being…y’know…an old white dude from right here in the U.S. of A.
Anyway, congrats, Scotty, you’re famous. For being a lunatic. Who writes our laws. A totally unhinged nutcase who gets to make the laws the rest of us have to follow. Heaven help us.
Oh shit! Jerk-of-all-trades Jared Kushner got his bony ass sold out to Mueller by the money launderers at Deutsche Bank! WE’LL NEVER GET PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST NOW!
Now, in the wake of ShitholeGate, Republicans insist that all accusations of racism are unfair and unfounded, take Carl Higbie for example. Carl was a Drumpf appointee, Chief of External Affairs at CNCS, at least until his rather substantial history of saying horrible things about women, Muslims, and other minorities surfaced. Now he’s just one more unemployed racist jagoff, like a common Charlottesville marcher.
I wonder who will replace him? Someone, that’s for sure.
As further proof of the Complete and Total Absence of Racism in the Conservative Movement, Tucker Carlson invited a Not Even Slightly Racist Dude named Mark Steyn to say Seriously How Could You Possibly Interpret This As Racist stuff like “The white supremacists are American citizens. The illegal immigrants are people who shouldn’t be here.” and that having a large number of Hispanic children in Arizona, “means, in effect, the border has moved north. And the cultural transformation outweighs any economic benefits…”
Bro. The culture of hate you’re fighting to protect is a shit culture. It’s a garbage loser culture for garbage losers, and you’re goddamn right we’re going to transform it. Because it sucks.
Anyway, I think the issue of the GOP’s racism is surely settled, once and for all, by AG Sessions‘ sensitive, nuanced rumination on the literacy, and basic human value of potential immigrants. Careful, Beau…if we take the “merit-based” idea to its natural conclusion, you’re gonna spend your golden years as a shift manager in a strip mall shoe store.
Jesus Christ. This is depressing. I need a palate cleanser. Something about, like, a kitten and a deer who’re best friends, or…
Oh, this’ll do. Loathed Former Bigshot Chris Christie, not a week removed from being Governor of New Jersey, tried to use the VIP entrance at the airport, and was told “Nnnnnnah, maybe you can find a shortcut through a public beach you shut down, otherwise you can wait in line with the rest of the schmucks. You schmuck.”
That Omarosa person, formerly the White House…um…did anybody ever figure out what her job was? Anyhow, she’s apparently living in mortal terror of The Bobadook (That’s Mueller, if you’re new), and folks think she may have secretly recorded conversations with other high-level staff.
Somebody’s taking the whole Team of Rivals thing a smidge too far, methinks.
So, Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes, in his unofficial capacity as the clumsiest would-be fixer in political history, wrote a little memo. Devin, being the groveling lickspittle that he is, made his memo say “The FBI is so very unkind to Donald Trump, and I have super secret evidence that says they made up everything about Russia and that Robert Mueller is lying about everything in his whole investigation, prolly because he wants to get with Melania, and everything bad anyone has ever said about Drumpfy-Poo is fake, and no you can’t see the evidence but you can totally trust me it’s real.”
It is a silly, sloppy memo, because Devin was in hurry to get back to this pig he was fucking, and even though he had wrapped his wang in raw bacon while drafting said memo, there’s no substitute for the real thing, y’know?
Anyway, the frothier loons in the House GOP Conference want The Pigfucker Memo released to the public. Not the information that the memo is based on, of course, that would prove Nunes is just making shit up to protect Putin’s Pet Prez.
Of course, the House’s version of the Fusion GPS testimony was released this week, further blowing the Treason Caucus’ bullshit talking point to shreds. Credible accusations of money laundering for the Russia mafia? Somehow Nunes imagines his magic memo will make them all disappear…probably because he spends his time fucking pigs rather than, y’know…thinking.
Oh well. At least the Russian bots are on his side.
And, speaking of Russia bots, (SEAMLESS TRANSITION, CAP! Thank you, Cap!) Twitter says “Whoopsie! There were 50,000 Russian bot/troll accounts spreading misinformation during the election, and it looks like 677,775 American users liked and/or shared their horseshit, sowwy about our complicity in a foreign assault on our democracy!”
As the shutdown fight heated up this afternoon, Temporarily Reasonable Senator Lindsey Graham referred to his Never In Any Way Reasonable Colleague Tom Cotton as the “Steve King of the Senate,” which is the sort of insult that tends to launch Hatfield/McCoy style clan feuds. Seriously, if any of y’all ever called me the Steve King of ANYTHING, I would fart on you.
And I’m not exactly an amateur farter.
Team Shart seeks a 95% cut in the Office of National Drug Control Policy’s budget, which oughtta be fine, it’s not like we’re in the middle of a MASSIVE GODDAMN OPIOID EPIDEMIC OH WAIT WE TOTALLY ARE YOU COLD-HEARTED FUCKHEADS.
…I guess I’m just sick of the federal government working so hard to facilitate the speedy ending of so many American lives. It’s…different.
FUCK, Y’ALL. I cannot keep up with this shit. Nancy Pelosi is a guest judge on Drag Race All Stars and Senator Menendez is getting retried and I think Stephen Miller’s forehead is pregnant.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand while I was writing the CR failed, so I guess the government is shutting down. Fantastic. I don’t care. I’m gonna track down Harry Reid and drink until the fucking sun comes up.
*Sources? I don’t have fucking sources. I wear a superhero mask and a bathrobe. Do you think I’m a fucking JOURNALIST?
Shitdown America. A night that will live in instant coffee. I’m still watching this shit show. I keep writing shit because it is now the American Word like the eagle is the American Bird even though it is a scavenger.
Thanks for this. Better to laugh my ass off at Stephen Miller’s pregnant forehead than to bash my head bloody into a cement wall!
Thanks, ‘Cap. I look forward to your cogent remarks eagerly.
So, just why do we call Devin Nunes a pig-fucker? I’m not disputing your attribution, but he represents the area of California I come from and where my mother still lives, and, I will admit that pig-fucking may very well be a life-style choice in the area. But a quick Google of Dev and the Pigs doesn’t come up with anything. Could you please elucidate.
Of course, you may have until you’re over the effects of that box of Target wine to do so, unless of course it is that box of Target wine that allows you to even think of Dev. In which case, imbibe and proceed.
I refer to Nunes as “Pigfucker” primarily because of all the pigs he fucks.
(Honestly it’s just a running gag that primarily amuses me.)
Stephan Miller’s pregnant forehead.
Thanks for your accurate distillations of the past two weeks. Don’t need fluffy editorials or network news anymore. I have to laugh to keep from crying. You do it right.
Now I’m going to donate a six pack because you always make me laugh while pulling out my hair. I suggest others do the same 🙂
Your crazy shit keeps me sane. I’m a 72 year old white woman who’s been marching since the 60s. Really, I just want to say, “I love you.” Keep it up or I’ll have to go to drugs… or cheap red wine.
Hey Cap, don’t sell yourself short. In your bathrobe and super mask, you still make more sense than most of the newscasters these days. And I don’t know what they are drinking, but I’m guessing it’s that IQ-lowering RNC kool-aide, idiot flavor.