Holy fuck, the madness is an inch thick in the air these days. If this blog post cuts out suddenly, it’s because I’m walling myself up in the cellar with the Amontillado, and I don’t know when the wifi will cut out.

So let’s jump right into the deep end of the pool, even though the water looks…questionable.

The nation shudders as we wrap up the second harrowing day of Morongate, excuse me, FuckingMorongate.

Yes, Low-T Rex had the temerity to refer to the President of the United States using terminology we here at this blog would NEVER utilize…because it’s way, WAY too fucking tame.

Call me when James Mattis gets caught on tape calling Drumpfy a Dickless, Shit-for-Brains, Piss-Coated, Gas Station Bathroom Plunger, and we’ll talk, is all I’m sayin’.

Anyway, Rexy’s making noise about resigning, but (and this is a hoot), he wants to hang on for a full year, because he’ll pay a tax penalty if he doesn’t. And what do you do here? Tillerson is a legendarily shitty Secretary of State, but at least he seems to think starting a nuclear war is a bad idea (ah, how the bar has lowered these last few months). And then you have to wonder who La Grande Sharte would replace him with…John Bolton? Scott Baio? Nero’s Ghost?

There’s supposed to be some sort of “suicide pact” between Tillerson, Mnuchin and Mattis, where they’d all quit if Shart Garfunkel tried to fire any one of them, I guess? Golly. Who would pay for Steve Mnuchin to fly his trophy wife around the country if Rex got fired? You gotta factor in the collateral damage, people

So, John Kelly’s phone got hacked, that’s fun. It’s kinda weird how congressional Republicans howled at the top of their lungs about the digital security of a certain ex-Secretary of State’s private e-mail server, but seem curiously uninterested in the issue lately. I just can’t figure that one out. But then, I’ve been drinking the shit out of this Amontillado.

Boy, Bob Corker’s enjoying the freedom that comes with Never Having to Run For Fucking Office Again, isn’t he? Suddenly he’s gallivanting about town, gleefully describing the handful of grown-ups working in the executive as a barrier between the country and “chaos.”

(My sources tell me General Kelly was unsuccessful in keeping the President from learning of Corker’s remarks, but he was able to prevent him from discovering the correct definition of “chaos.”)

Princess Ivanka, and her pet/husband, Jared Kushner, have been fined for failure to submit their required ethics disclosures yet again. I bet that 200 bucks whips those two crooks right into shape. Good job whoever worked out that particular penalty.

Speaking of the Clown Prince and Princess of crime, ProPublica dropped a piece about how they were juuuuuuuuust about to be indicted for one of the shitty grifts their cheap crook dads taught them, when Drumpf family lawyer Marc Kasowitz fed the Manhattan D.A. a fat campaign donation and got the case dismissed.

And wouldja believe the D.A. in question, one Cyrus Vance, Jr., also accepted a sizable donation from Harvey Weinstein’s lawyer after dropping a sexual assault case against ol’ Harv? More on that in a moment…

Jeff Sessions, that cartoon-eared exemplar of Straight White Male Mediocrity, reversed the Justice Department’s position on job protections for transgender Americans, because civil rights is just for white folks, at least while Ol’ Beauregard’s on the job. You sort of expect Sessions to replace DoJ’s Civil Rights Division with a vending machine that sells nothing but Charleston Chew.

Congresshypocrite Tim Murphy resigned, over the whole abortions-should-be-legal-but-my-mistress-needs-to-get-an-abortion-right-fucking-now thing. Scott Desjarlais’ over in the corner, hoping nobody notices he’s still there.

In an exciting new breaking medical development, hospitals will no longer employ stomach-pumping to purge life-threatening toxins from patients’ systems; instead they’ll simply read this super-gross Buzzfeed article about Bannon, Milo, and Breitbart aloud.

Lord, I’m retching just typing about it. Regular fuckin’ American Horror Story, one day a dude’s reaching out to the Daily Stormer for content, the next, he’s the lead political advisor for the President of the United States.

And Milo has Nazi passwords, I guess? (Milo’s Nazi Passwords sounds like a subpar thrash metal band, doesn’t it?) What’s most amazing here is that none of us are more than a short Facebook/Twitter interaction away from some prick who’ll argue all night long that it’s not fair to call any of these bastards “racist.”

And Littlefinger offered his ex-wife, Ivana, the Czech Republic Ambassadorship. In any other administration, that’s a significant scandal. In this one, you sorta think “Hey, he’s finally filling the ambassador posts, that’s great!”

Well, naturally the lunatic fringe continues spreading conspiracy theories that the violence in Charlottesville was staged by Obamaite forces funded by George Soros in order to make conservatives look bad, but don’t worry, these ideas certainly never wind up parroted by actively serving Republican Congressdopes. HAH HAH FOOLED YOU of course they do.

We also have some novel theories on the causes of the mass shooting in Las Vegas. Jeffrey Lord blames abortion. In a bit of particularly amusing logical gymnastics, Jim Inhofe blames sanctuary cities because…brown people MUST be to blame for an old white dude opening fire on an enormous crowd full of human beings…they just MUST be.

(Oklahoma, have you ever considered asking your Senators to pass fifth grade reading comprehension tests?)

Now, the news from Puerto Rico has been pretty bad; millions of Americans suffering without access to power or drinkable water. This has turned into quite the scandalous problem for the Shart Administration, but FEAR NOT, for they have found a solution; removing the tracking data from the FEMA website!

Shit, between erasing access to unflattering information and screaming Fake Gnus all day long, the Shart House can pretend that Puerto Rico’s got no problems at all, except maybe a Care Bear infestation.

Boisterous Bob Mueller’s team met with Christopher Steele of the famous Steele Dossier. Word is, the intelligence community has been taking the dossier more seriously than they previously let on, isn’t that curious? My working theory is that the Pee Tape is real, but Mueller’s passed it off to Lin-Manuel Miranda to punch it up with a few songs.

Speaking of Mueller, ABC sez he met today “behind closed doors” with the Chief Judge of the D.C. U.S. District Court. I’m sure they were just exchanging recipes, Donnie, don’t worry your little head.

KKKris KKKobach finally had to turn over documents showing just how hard he’s working to keep Americans from exercising their constitutional right to vote. Drumpf’s a wannabe fascist, but he’s lazy…Kobach? He works. Kris Kobach might just be the most dangerous man in America right now. Keep both eyes on him, Resisters.

I tell you what, if things keep going the way they’ve been, we’re gonna need a special section just to round up all the ways these corrupt fucks are spending our tax money on their own private comforts. Maybe I’ll call it Grifter’s Corner, and I’ll get somebody in a dealer’s visor and sleeve garters to walk y’all through it.

Ryan Zinke’s running a 24/7 campaign party on your dollar. Scott Pruitt‘s griftin’ so hard, the EPA Inspector General’s expanding the investigation into his griftin’. Mnuchbag‘s racked up an $800,000 tab of his own. Even Rick Perry’s getting in on the action. And of course, don’t forget Boss Shart himself, pocketing north of 137 grand from the Secret Service just in golf cart rentals for his weekly vacation getaways! Straight from your pocket to his, isn’t that NIFTY?*

We also learned the Man with Phalangeal Stunting intervened personally to deny an ACA stabilization plan proposed by Iowa REPUBLICANS. I’ll give Shartboy one thing; when it comes to shitting on anything with his predecessor’s name on it, he is FOCUSED.

…has anybody thought about, like, giving him a big stack of Obama’s books at the start of each day, to just rip apart, or set on fire, or wipe his ass with, whatever he wants? We might just be able to run out the clock this way…

Anyway. Know that there’s an Iowan or two out there who desperately need health care, and who the President of the United States just basically told “If you wanted to be alive, you shouldn’t have let that black guy laugh at me at the Correspondents Dinner in 2015.”

I kinda don’t even want to talk about the “calm before the storm” thing. Don the Con gets off on that idiot “tune in next week” shit, because he’s a tv host, not a President. I guess I bring it up here and now to tell you that I’m never gonna play along with his verbal clickbait again, so when I don’t mention it next time, that’s why.

Anyway, the Walking Liposuction Bag officially made it so your employer can decide that you’re too much of a filthy sex-having hoor to have your birth control covered by your health insurance. They went so far as to openly talk about birth control promoting “risky sexual behavior” like female autonomy and ankle-showing and what have you. This must be that “small government” the conservatives are always going on about.

And congrats are in order for the Marmalade Shartcannon, as his approval hit a brand spankin’ new record low today! 32%, with 67% disapproving! Shit, Donnie…tonight you can have THREE scoops. And since you’ve fallen to just 67% approval among REPUBLICANS, well…have yourself some sprinkles.

Tangerine Idi Amin rage-tweeted at the Dem candidate for Virginia governor, Ralph Northam (kick him a few bucks), something about how he runs drugs for MS-13 and picks locks at your daughter’s college dormitory so roving ISIS gangs can rape the co-eds or something. Hey, blatant dishonesty got you all the way to the White House, why change now?

Harvey Weinstein turns out to be a gross old pervert, and fuck his pervy ass, but do all the conservatives taking a victory lap remember they elected the Krotch Klaw President?

Meanwhile, the Democratic Party pretty much immediately went “Hell with that guy,” and gave all his donations to women’s charities. (Sean Spicer has been particularly exuberant on the Electronic Twitter Machine, as though he weren’t the Propaganda Minister for a serial sexual abuser.)

Hey, Roy Moore’s biggest donor wants the South to Rise Again and secede and start the kind of “Christian” nation where they stone gays to death and there are certainly no black Presidents and it’s probably even some poor woman’s job to give Steven Miller a handy once a week.

Dear GOD I wish that race was happening ANYWHERE but Alabama. Still, it’s closer that it has any right to be…do Shower Cap a solid and send a few bucks Doug Jones’ way, will ya?

We’re told Il Douche is about to decertify the Iran deal, over the objections of the entire national security apparatus, who have yet to figure how to adapt to the “Obama was for it so we’re against it” maneuver that Stephen Miller applies to great effect whenever he wants to fuck over non-white folks.

Of course, Tom Cotton is all for it, because after all, dropping bombs on unsuspecting brown people is the last remaining thing capable of brining Tommy’s dusty, withered, penis to even half-mast.

And a former Apprentice producer told NPR there are all kinds of tapes in some warehouse someplace of Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet saying all kinds of racist, misogynistic, anti-Semitic, shit. This surprises nobody at this point. Hell, if we unearthed these tapes, whatever horrific garbage he spews would just wind up on signs and buttons and t-shirts at the next Feverish Gathering of Shitty White People, excuse me “Campaign Rally.”

Now, you just KNEW there was no way the Shart could pull off a Hispanic Heritage Month event without embarrassment, but even I wasn’t prepared for his, um, “accent,” holy hell. At least Kelly activated the shock collar before he launched into his West Side Story cabaret act.

CNN reports that General Kelly has, in 3 short months, been reduced to sitting at his desk, mumbling how he’s “getting too old for this shit,” because Shart Wrangling is a tough, tough job. It’s like that bit in KRAMER VS KRAMER, only instead of making breakfast, you’re trying to prevent global thermonuclear war.

And now Axios (those gossipy rapscallions) reports that Lil’ Donnie No-Significant-Legislation called up Chuck (of “Chuck & Nancy” fame) to talk health care, and Hill Republicans are all sad because they really REALLY want to murder a bunch of poor folks, and Chuck n’ Nancy never want to play any poor-murdering games.

Anyway, I had no idea Amontillado could fuck up your shit this bad, so I’m just gonna curl up in the corner and hope that I wake up in 2021 now…wish me luck!

*Editor’s note: No, it is not nifty.