Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.
A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.
Secretary of State
Mike Pompeo is one of those performatively pious fake Christians who loves using his loudly-claimed-but-seldom-followed faith like a cudgel while ignoring every single word of the actual Bible, including “and” and “the.”
Secretary of State
Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.
William Barr actually taught me a valuable lesson. See, I didn’t look too closely at Bill when he was nominated to be Attorney General. After Jeff “Too Racist for the 80’s” Sessions and the masculine toilet guy, honestly, he looked like a nice, refreshing, safe, traditional Republican. An institutionalist who could bring a little much-needed stability.
And then he turned out to be a fascist, and one of the most dangerous enemies of democracy in American history. Whoops. My bad.
Secretary of the Treasury
Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.
Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor
Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?
Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.
Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.
Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.
Secretary of Commerce
When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.
Secretary of Health and Human Services
If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development
Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.
Secretary of Education
Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!
Administrator of the EPA
Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.
Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.
Chief of Staff
Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?
Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.
Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.
A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.
Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.
Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.
Daddy’s Little Girl
Ivanka Trump is what happens when you cross Gwyneth Paltrow with Mussolini’s dumbest, laziest aide-de-camp. Watching her try to sell her father’s fascism as some sort of pro-woman lifestyle brand, marketed in the sickliest imaginable shade of pink, has been one of the most bizarre subplots of this nightmare we can’t seem to pinch ourselves out of.
So, while Melania Trump is perhaps not as shitty as many of the crooks, Nazis, and Nazi crooks who inhabit her dirtbag husband’s world, she manages to impressively shitty in her own right.
When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape
Senior Advisor for Policy
Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?
Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.
Director of Communications
Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?
Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –
Wait, what? Really?
White Supremacist Multi-Tool
Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!
Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”
Roving Freelance Fascist
As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.
Speaker of the House
Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.
Senate Majority Leader
Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.
Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.
She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.
Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry.
Official Sponsors of American Fascism
Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.
Juggalos > Deplorables/Saturday Night Fever Dream
Hey there Resisters, I had a little time tonight, and I thought I’d check in on the madness before the orderlies sedate me.
Princess Ivanka wants everyone to know that just cuz she’s a high-level Presidential advisor doesn’t mean it’s reasonable for people to expect her to influence the President.
…Yeah, that’s about par for the course in this George Miller wasteland we call…2017.
The Shart House communications staff can’t stay on message when it comes to why the President fired Comey, but they sure are consistent in wanting to see a successful black woman punished for criticizing the
Grand Wizard President, aren’t they? Seriously, the executive branch is working harder to get Jemele Hill fired than they ever did to pass a health care bill.
Also, Secretary Mnuchin wants the filthy media to know that he only wanted the American taxpayer to fund his honeymoon because he needed a $25,000/hour jet for national security reasons! Everything Mnuchbag does is done only with national security in mind! That includes his trip to Fort Knox to watch the eclipse! And also the French maid outfit and ballgag Louise makes him wear around the house! IT’S FOR NATIONAL SECURITY!
Senate Majority Leader McConnell wants to do away with the blue slip process now that he’s in the majority, because obstruction is just for Republicans, don’tcha know. Careful, Turtle Boy, in 2021, when President Clooney appoints Sarah Silverman to the DC Circuit, you’ll miss those slips…
Hey, look-a here! Mike Flynn had YET ANOTHER undisclosed secret meeting with high-falutin’ fancypants types while being paid as an agent for foreign interests! Jar-Jar and Steve Bannon were there, too!
These secret meetings keep poppin’ up like dandelions, don’t they? Six months from now, we’ll uncover some rendezvous with the ack-ack-ack aliens from Mars Attacks!, where they offered to trade space weapons in exchange for the use of Stephen Miller as a sex slave (large, smooth foreheads are very sensual in Martian culture).
WaPo got ahold of a receipt showing that the Warped Pla-Doh Manatee charged the government more than a grand for an official’s two-night stay at Marm-a-Lago, back in March. He might not be much for legislatin‘, but Donnie Two-Scoops is meticulously grifting every last dime he can squeeze out of the U.S. Treasury.
Maybe next quarter when Drumpfy “donates his salary,” he’ll do it in the form of hotel vouchers for government employees? Maybe even port-a-potty tokens for the Secret Service?
Now-former-Sheriff Dave Clarke’s masters degree is being retained in solitary confinement without water, because Sheriff Dave is a lying plagiarist who took a bunch of other people’s work and said “This is A Sheriff Dave Jam,” which was a fat fucking lie. Can you get a Presidential pardon from grad school? Asking for a murderous fuckwad.
Rugged Robert Mueller subpoenaed a bunch of records from Facebook about how Uncle Vlad’s Bot Army targeted the Kid Who Sat Next to You in High School and Ate His Boogers with Pizzagate conspiracy stories and whatnot. And will the trail eventually lead back to Jared Kushner’s ball pit? Time will tell…
Kris Kobach kontinues kourting komeuppance by konducting his Kulling Kommission’s kontacts using private, rather than government, e-mail accounts, in defiance of records-keeping laws. Kobach insists he’ll continue doing so, because what’s gonna happen? Is Jeff Sessions going to prosecute him for cutting corners in pursuit of their shared goal of Making the Electorate Lilly-White Again?
Speaking of the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg, Ol’ Beauregard got smacked with a rolled-up newspaper in the courts again this week, in his attempts to punish Sanctuary Cities for refusing to turn their police forces into his personal immigrant-roundup Gestapo, in his ongoing quest to bleach the voting populace.
You’ll no doubt be pleased to learn the Sessions’ DoJ, which has recently stood up for the rights of LGBT Americans to be told “Fuck No You Can’t Buy a Cake Here,” and for the right Jeff Sessions to not be laughed at by no uppity broads, is now sticking up for the Grifter in Chief’s right to meet with/profit from folks at properties he owns without telling the American people just who’s bribing him. Surely, this is exactly the America Crispus Attucks envisioned with his dying breaths.
Did I miss the California state legislature declaring this Official Fart Directly in the President’s Mouth Week? They passed a resolution calling on the U.S. Congress to censure Shartboy for his Not All Nazis Charlottesville remarks. They passed a bill establishing themselves as a Sanctuary State. And for good measure, they passed a little bill requiring anyone who wants to get their fat orange ass on the California Presidential ballot to release five years worth of tax returns.
Ouch. What next, legally mandated medium rare steaks? Perhaps a ban on extra-extra-large white golf pants?
Word on the street is, there’s a hot new trend among the deplorable set: burning MAGA hats! Yes, it seems some of America’s shittiest white jags are all sad n’ pissy about Tangerine Idi Amin cuttin’ a DACA deal with his new besties, Pelumer, and only huffing the polyester fumes from cheap, made-in-China baseball caps can ease their pain.
SHOWER CAP SAFETY TIP: Don’t forget to take the cap OFF before igniting, kiddos.
Hey, Pennsylvania state rep Aaron Bernstine seems like a nice fellah, doesn’t he? I mean, talking about how eager you are to adopt the very same tactic a Nazi terrorist used to kill an American citizen is just the sort of thing a nice, Christian boy should do…right? I think I’ll take Aaron home to meet mom…but I’ll make sure she knows not to meet us in the driveway.
Congressstooge Dana Rohrabacher (R-Stalingrad) pitched John Kelly a deal where Julian Assange would “prove” Russia never fed Wikileaks any sweet sweet Podesta e-mails, on the condition that Dorito Mussolini gets Julian out of jail for free, because he’s tired of hanging out in the Ecuadorian embassy where there are no younger women to harass. Rohrabacher and Assange would then embark on a raucous road trip, accompanied by a camera crew, in hopes of pitching a reality show to Glenn Beck. It’s like Spring Break meets Creepy Old Douchebags.
Rohrabacher, perhaps worried that somebody somewhere might mistake him for a sane person, also blamed the violence in Charlottesville on…Civil War reenactors? Shit, you can say absolutely ANYTHING in the GOP these days, can’t you? I’m moving back to Kansas to run for governor on a platform of fighting the Flying Monkey infestation. Are you against that, Libtards? What are you, PRO-FLYING MONKEY? THEY KIDNAP CHILDREN FROM OUR MAJESTIC WHEAT FIELDS!!!!
A terrorist attack injured 29 in London on Friday. The American President, classy as ever, saw this as a golden opportunity for some fearmongering, pimping his shitty, racist travel ban. Especially weird, since Syrian refugees still haven’t killed anyone, while white supremacists are driving into crowd with homicidal intent.
For a little bit of extra fun, President Rube misinterpreted something he saw on Fux n’ Frenz (and let’s pause to quiver in horror at that phrase, and our understanding of its potentially apocalyptic consequences) and tweeted out a condemnation of British law enforcement for basically allowing an act of terrorism to take place, with absolutely nothing resembling evidence to support his inflammatory claim.
I tell you what, our next president could be a half-eaten Mars bar, and it’d still be greeted with worldwide parades upon taking office. Even if it was a dark chocolate Mars bar.
AP reports that leftover funds from the Marmalade Shartcannon’s pathetically-attended inauguration ceremony have not, as promised, been donated to charity, but have instead gone to redecorating Mike Pence‘s residence, presumably focusing heavily on his burgeoning Abusive Nursing Home Employee Pornography Library.
Shart supporters have rally envy, y’know. They see us turning out thousands, sometimes millions, and every now and then they make a pathetic attempt to match us. And they tend to fail, rather spectacularly. Today was no exception, has the “Mother of All Rallies” turned out a cartoonish handful of the Surly and Easily-Duped. And of course the Object of Their Affection wasn’t even in town to greet them, for it is the weekend, and he’s got golf, you gullible plebs.
Anyway, the Juggalos were more entertaining. And numerous.
Awwww…a Washington Examiner story alerts us to the plight of poor Shart campaign staffers being bankrupted by legal bills. Hey fuckheads, nobody ever said that collaborating with a foreign power to take a sloppy shit all over your country would be cheap. (Some of them blame Kellyanne Conway, and that, at least, I’m onboard with.)
As per usual, shit be cray. The sign language interpreter for this blog post is probably giving you a Captain Beefheart record, backwards and in Esperanto.
Well, enjoy your weekend, and be ready to get back on the phones come Monday, cuz Zombie Trumpcare IV, The Shartening looks to be rearing its ugly head…