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21 hours ago
“So, because everything is disgusting nowadays, I guess tonight’s blog needs a whole “Conservative Pedophiles” subsection, because there are so many different stories about conservative pedophiles. You can go fetch a barf bag real quick, I’ll wait.” https://t.co/5Hy9EKF4yj
24 hours ago
If you made it up, nobody would believe it. https://t.co/yx3esiASJK CapShower photo
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Shutdown! Things’ll be Great When You’re Shutdown! No Finer Place for Sure! Shutdown! Everything’s Waiting For You!

Sunday, January 21st, 2018

Gotta admit, I’m kinda pissed, Resisters. I was supposed to go to a 9-dollar-per-plate Boston Market dinner last night, but noooooooooooo! A certain spray-tanned, sphincter-faced assclown had to shut down the government!

Maybe all of Washington is ineptly bumbling through an unnecessary, self-inflicted, crisis, but at least we can take comfort in knowing that Mick Mulvaney is enjoying himself! See, Mick found that he’s the lucky boy who actually gets to shut down the government, and that’s “kind of cool!”

“There’s a big green button you get to push and all these gears grind to a halt as confetti falls from the ceiling and dancing girls come out of, like, NOWHERE, and you get a special cupcake and a paper hat and a gift certificate to Chuck E. Cheese’s, and IT’S ALL FOR MULVANEY!”

But Boss Shart has a sad, cuz he has to stay in dumb ol’ Washington for the whole weekend, without golfing ONCE, plus he had a big rich jagoff party down in Marm-a-Lago that he didn’t get to go to, which is especially disappointing since there was a $100,000 rim job line awaiting his arrival.

Poor Shart-Shart. For what it’s worth, I’m told the caviar presentation was an abomination.

Patrick Meehan became the latest Republican CongressPerv to rocket to national celebrity. Seems Meehan, who darkly/hilariously served on the House Ethics Committee, creeped on a younger staffer, and when she rejected him, chased her out of politics (and eventually the country), settling her harassment claim with a fat stack of taxpayer cash.

He seems nice. Maybe he can have a pajama party with Blake Farenthold. Or, you know, he could always try keeping his dick in his pants and go home to his WIFE.

As we evaluate Government Cheese Goebbel’s first-year accomplishments, let’s not neglect the “Trump Slump” bludgeoning our tourist industry. We’re slipping to third on the most-visited list, behind Spain, because America is just so dang great nowadays.

Although you have to admit, Spain has seen great success with their “We Promise You Won’t Be Murdered By a White Supremacist Terrorist Here Unlike Certain Countries We Could Name But Won’t” campaign.

We learned some fun stuff about how Jared Kushner, who is perhaps the only person alive who doesn’t understand how incompetent Jared Kushner is, gets manipulated by the Chinese, who can’t believe such a under-informed, desperate-to-be-rescued-from-personal-financial-trouble, rube fell right into their laps.

And just about everything else is about Shutdownmania, running wild.

Chuck Schumer says working with the Shart of the Deal is “like negotiating with Jell-O,” because he is jiggly and disappointing and by the time you’re at the table you wish you’d ordered anything else.

Now, because Littlefinger and his toady, Mike Pence, insist on cynically wielding our men and women in uniform as political props, Senator Tammy Duckworth took to the floor of Senate to crush their balls into a fine powder. Holy shit. Not that I was planning on it, but remind me to never pick a fight with Senator Duckworth.

Anyway, the WHO WILL THINK OF THE TROOPS crocodile tears evaporate in a hurry when you see the video of Mitch McConnell slamming the door on a vote to pay the military during the shutdown.

Hey, if these pigs are willing to hold millions of children’s health insurance hostage, what’re a few soldiers’ paychecks, more or less?

And Dorito Mussolini’s contribution? A single photograph, of himself, purportedly hard at work…at an empty desk. These days, I guess speaking truth to power means, “Maybe we could use a notepad here, Mr. President?”

Well, AND a super-helpful campaign ad that says undocumented immigrants are waiting outside your house to murder you while Nancy Pelosi picks the lock on your front door.

But don’t worry, Eric Trump, he of the infallible political instincts and eerily vacant stare, thinks the shutdown will be “good” for his shitty family, cuz hey, nobody’ll ask them to pay back the billions worth of damage their tantrum inflicts on the American economy, right?

Lindsey Graham is frustrated that potential deals keep getting scuttled by Virgin Klan Runt Stephen Miller. Sources tell me Graham is working on an elaborate “honey trap” style plan to distract Miller during key negotiations, and that he’s dispatched Bob Corker and Sherrod Brown on a mission to procure a sexy manikin, extend its forehead to unnatural lengths, and pose it suggestively outside Stephen’s condo.

And somehow, Republicans look at their historically loathed President, their unpopular position on DACA, oh, and that little thing where Hundreds of Thousands of Americans Took to the Streets to Protest Their Bullshit, and concluded “Everyone is totally on our side!”

…there are lot of reasons to vote the GOP out this November, but “inability to process information competently” really ought to be near the top of the list.

But let’s get back to those marches for a second, shall we? The Resistance might not get a whole day on the NYT opinion page, but we sure the fuck do SHOW UP, don’t we? Even after an absolutely exhausting year, Women’s March turnout matched or even exceeded the 2017 marches.

600,000 in Los Angeles. 300,000 in Chicago. Another 200,000 in New York. Coast to coast, large communities and small. Voters, one and all.

Meanwhile, the biggest pro-Trump march last year was in Charlottesville.

‘Course, the real bad news for Team Shart? One office staying open during the shutdown? Bob Mueller’s.

Didja see where the Koch brothers rewarded their Pet House Speaker, Paul Ryan, for trimming billions off their tax bill? Yeah, they gave him a little walking-around money. $500,000 worth. “You done good, kid,” said Charley Koch, ruffling Ryan’s hair affectionately, “Getcherself some ice cream.”

And Missouri governor Eric Greitens says he ain’t resignin’, and just cuz he tied up his naked mistress and photographed her doesn’t mean he was blackmailing her! He keeps that photo on his desk, right next to th’wife n’ kids!

And now I see Devin “Pigfucker” Nunes refuses to show the FBI his famous memo. You know, the one that purports to be an objective summary of his findings regarding the FBI’s various investigations? Despite his lengthy track record as an obsequious Trump stooge? Yeah, the FBI isn’t allowed to see it. That’s how you KNOW it’s legit.

In related news, Nunes is using the shutdown to draft a bill legalizing porcine conjugal visits for federal inmates, I WONDER WHY.

Further trouble in Shartopia, as the Candycorn Skidmark has reportedly become all grumbly and surly with a pair of his cabinet secretaries. Seems Cowboy Ryan Zinke’s gift of an exemption from the new offshore drilling rules to Rick Scott came as an unwelcome surprise, and now the Interior secretary has to sleep outside on the White House lawn with Jeff Sessions.

And Wilbur Ross is in the shithouse* too, probably because all of the naps he takes during meetings. Still, that’ll a be a useful defense when Mueller comes knocking. “Sorry, I was asleep for the treason.”

Anyway, Diamond and Silk will be in the cabinet soon.

That’s all for the moment, folks.  I’m furloughing myself.

*shithole?

Shower Cap

Sign Up for My Updates!

21 hours ago
“So, because everything is disgusting nowadays, I guess tonight’s blog needs a whole “Conservative Pedophiles” subsection, because there are so many different stories about conservative pedophiles. You can go fetch a barf bag real quick, I’ll wait.” https://t.co/5Hy9EKF4yj
24 hours ago
If you made it up, nobody would believe it. https://t.co/yx3esiASJK CapShower photo
NUMBER TWO

NUMBER TWO

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

UNSEXY REXY

UNSEXY REXY

Secretary of State

Over the course of three decades, Rex Tillerson fucked, bribed, and murdered his way to the top of Exxon Mobil, like some sort of jowlsy Eva Peron.

MNUCHBAG

MNUCHBAG

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

THE GENERALS

THE GENERALS

Secretary of Defense
Chief of Staff
National Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

OL’ BEAUREGARD The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

ZINKE BOOTZ

ZINKE BOOTZ

Ryan Zinke is like if the crappiest robot in Westworld escaped and jumped into conservative politics. He’s such a cartoon cowboy, I bet his right boot says “Andy” on the bottom.

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

WIL-BUR, THE GNOME KING

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

PLAGUEMASTER T

PLAGUEMASTER T

Secretary of Health and Human Services

If the Hippocratic Oath is binding in any sort of spiritual sense, Tom Price is royally fucked, y’all. There is some straight Dante shit awaitin’ him in the afterlife.

DOCTOR NAPTIME

DOCTOR NAPTIME

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

THE DEVOSTATOR

THE DEVOSTATOR

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

SCOTTY 2 HAUGHTY

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

PUBIS

PUBIS

Chief of Staff

Nobody wants to be Reince Priebus when they grow up. He’s just so immediately recognizable as a weaselly little tapeworm of a man, y’know?

Reince Priebus is the sort of person who would be played by Brad Dourif in a film.

DARTH WINO

DARTH WINO

Chief Strategist

Steve Bannon played Bob Ewell in a high school production of To Kill a Mockingbird, and liked it so much he decided to stay in the character for the rest of his life.

A self-described Leninist, and an outspoken populist*, Bannon wants to kidney-punch the administrative state, give it a wedgie, and steal its lunch money.

JAR-JAR

JAR-JAR

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

HEY, KELLYANNE!

HEY, KELLYANNE!

Senior Counsel

Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!
Hey, Kellyaaaaaaaaaaaanne!

When you worked for Akin, things weren’t simple
Cuz he got caught on tape
With legitimate rape

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

4-HEDD THE SHITTY WHITE GUY FROM BEYOND THE STARS

Senior Advisor for Policy

Why is it always the shittiest imaginable white dudes who turn out to be white supremacists?

Stephen Miller, who started balding eleven seconds after his conception, has by all accounts been a sack of monkey shit pretty much every single minute of his life.

THE MOOCH

THE MOOCH

Director of Communications

Oh wow, this new Communications Director looks like a real character, huh?

Where to begin? Ok, Anthony Scaramucci first came to –

Wait, what? Really?

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

KKKRIS KKKOBACH

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

“DOC” GORKA

“DOC” GORKA

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

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