American Madness Journal

I dunno how much more of this I can take, Resisters. I keep buying calendars and tearing off all the pages between now and next January, hoping I can trick time into letting me skip ahead because the only thing I want from life anymore is one week where I don’t have...

 Wow, and I thought I was stir-crazy back when I saw a potential end to quarantine conditions. Now that we’re in “oh, the ruling party has decided to pretend everything is just dandy, so we’re stuck with this shit until they’re dragged, biting and clawing, from the...

 Shit, even I can’t tell the difference between this blog and the last one anymore. I feel like “instead of fighting the coronavirus, President Crotchrot opted to unleash a racist tirade reminiscent of that one time Grandad got your whole family banned from Denny’s...

 I think it’s cute that I’m even bothering to write tonight, when I know all y’all are watching Hamilton. And that’s fine, you absolutely deserve the break. I assume the folks that’re actually reading this are the sadomasochistic news junkies that couldn’t look away...

  Anybody else spending their idle quarantine hours trying to figure some way to tunnel into the neighboring reality where Hillary Clinton is President and we can all eat at restaurants by now? No? Well, that’s totally why I’m slashing at the air in front of me...

 Three years of resisting has toughened you up, hasn’t it? After impeachment and COVID and the Bowling Green Massacre, surely you can handle anything. So when you hear about the massive dust plume from the Sahara Desert rolling over the United States, you just throw...

 Y’know, just the other day I was thinking that the one thing this shitshow was missing was the traumatizing soundscape of the modern battlefield, so a big fat thumbs up to whoever added the all-night fireworks shows to the simulation; it’s that kind of loving...

Hey, I know everything is fucking awful these days and it’s hard to stay sane, let alone happy, but congratulations on a surviving another week in this apocalyptic hellscape where the President of the United States has partnered with a deadly virus to KILL YOU. Those...

 So, today, I saw a headline that read, “Americans are the unhappiest they've been in 50 years, poll finds,” and I’ve been emitting little unhinged giggles ever since, because, like, YA THINK? Gotta admit, looking upon the hellscape that is the news cycle doesn’t...

 Reading the news these days is like running with the bulls, only instead of bulls they’re really angry clowns and instead of running you’re just sitting in the middle of the street, having a bad acid trip, while the clowns trample you. And then you wake up the next...

 I worry that I wasted a lot of hyperbole screaming about how insane things were back in the days of soundproof wank booths and botched Easter Egg Rolls, and that I’ll run out of language now that we’re battling a global crisis hydra. Next week, when the birds begin...

 Golly, it’s a good thing I have a blog instead of a podcast, because while I’ve screamed myself hoarse yelling at the news this week, my typin’ fingers are just fine. I guess all of my fingers are “typin’ fingers,” now that I think of it. My thumbs are also fine, if...

 Well, whoever had “it’ll get worse before it gets better” in the pool, congratulations, I guess. I’m happy to turn over your winnings so long as you can promise to deliver that second part. Anyway, the challenge before me right now is to get through this blog without...

 Holy heck what a week. I know what happened, too. One of you fuckers said, “well at least things can’t possibly get worse,” I fucking know you did. Said it right out loud, didn’tcha? Like the universe wouldn’t hear you? Which one of you was it? Fess up, or I fart all...

 Greetings fellow human capital stock! I trust you enjoyed your holiday weekend, but it is now time to return to your unsafe workplaces, or, if you are too unhealthy to do so, to your nearest Soylent processing plant. I will round up the news with you, but only if you...

  Well, it was nice out today, so I got to write on the back porch, which is 15 feet from my bedroom, instead of in the living room, which is 10 feet from my bedroom, so it’s been pretty fucking thrilling over here, I may need to take some sort of rest cure to...

 Well, things’ve been kinda rough lately, I won’t deny it. So I asked the orderly to loosen my straitjacket a little and maybe throw some hallucinogens in with my regular meds, and now I figure I’m good for at least another six weeks of quarantine, here in the...

 Well, friends, I was worried for a moment that I was experiencing symptoms of somethin’ sorta serious, but then I remembered that my throat was only sore from screaming YOU’RE FUCKING KIDDING ME at the news all day, and my headache was likely the result of pounding...

  To fend off the boredom, I’ve purchased a small container of little green army men. I set ‘em up on a table, and I pretend they’re armed wingnuts, protesting stay-at-home orders. Then I pretend one of them has asymptomatic COVID-19, and I move him through the...

 Another week trapped inside with nothing but the news to keep me company is like being locked in a pigs-feet-pickling factory that installed heat lamps for some reason. Boy, that is one clumsy-ass metaphor, but I’m worn out by this shit. Let’s plow through the news...

Remember, this is the Republican Party when they’ve had plenty of time to prepare. A presidential primary debate. The impeachment hearing they’ve dreamt of since Biden first whooped their boy’s ass. As we gather here to gape at ineptitude that simply should not be...

  Historians will surely mark this week as the precise moment American decline became irreversible, as John Fetterman presided over the United States Senate wearing pasties and a g-string, while Susan Collins go-go danced in a shark cage suspended above Josh...

  Back in September, 2012, on the very night the famous 47% video leaked, I was approached by a man claiming to be a time traveler from the future, who snickeringly insisted I’d miss Mittens when his career in electoral politics finally ended. Naturally, I...

  Well, the Republican Party continues its mad, manic spiral into authoritarianism, white supremacy, and violence, but on the other hand, Joe Biden is old, so y’know…both sidez, y’all. This is Chuck Todd, filling in for Shower Cap. And now, the news: The GOP’s...

  Well, hello there. Been a minute. Let’s see if I remember how to do this. Orange Man…good? Do I have that right? Anyway, I’ve returned from summer vacation, ready to resume the fight to take the country back from the busloads of socialist groomer antifas, and...