So you’re not a big fan of the white text on a black background look, huh?

Hey, before we get started, let me shout out to Pacifist Patriot for that Time cover mockup, I’ve been smiling all day about that. And beyond that, a huge thanks to everybody here at DU, I’m having the time of my life and I’m glad some of you are enjoying this shit. There really is a blog coming soon, I hope you’ll join me there…

How crazy is shit these days? Well, they’re exhuming Salvador Dali. They are literally DIGGING UP SALVADOR DALI’S BODY AND HE WILL LEAD AN ARMY OF ZOMBIE SURREALISTS THAT SHALL SWEEP ACROSS THIS EARTH AND DESTROY THE WORLD OF SANITY FOR ALL TIME.

Well, I think I may be windin’ these roundups down, folks…frankly, it seems like the madness is more or less subsiding so, I gu-

…wait, what? Bill Cosby’s gonna go around the country giving seminars on how to avoid sexual harassment charges?

Fucking hell, what a week. Welcome to the dark American joke: What do a serial rapist and cop who murders a black man while he’s complying with said cop’s orders have in common? They’re both walking around today totally free of consequences. And as you scan every other column of the day’s newspaper, are you starting to think maybe we don’t live in the America your middle school Civics textbook promised? Me too, Resisters…me too.

Well, I suppose today’s madness was comparatively light. (Scans news feed.) Wow, my standards sure have changed this year.

We all went to bed worrying about whether the Malignant Mango Madman would fire Robert Mueller. Even Republican leaders are all, “Sweet Christ on Toast, don’t do that, you potato-brained moron!,” and we’re assured that top aides keep telling him what a terrible idea it is, but as smarter folks than I have pointed out, only Donnie Darko himself knows exactly how much garbage Mueller’s eventually going to dig up, so good luck restraining a tantruming billionaire looking to avoid the consequences for a lifetimes’ worth of what we can assume are legit serious crimes. Cornered animals are legendarily docile and friendly, right?

Somewhat predictably, a bunch of voices from the GOP are out making the rounds already, screeching that after the endless parade of right wing shooters/murderers all being Lone Wolves Who Couldn’t Possibly Have Been Motivated in Any Small Way By the Perpetual Right Wing Outrage Media Machine, today’s shooting (well, the first one. There was actually a SECOND mass shooting.) is 100% the fault of the Entire Left and their unfair criticism of the Poor Put Upon Victim in the Oval Office.

Hey there folks. So, I’ve been out of town for a few days, and I’m trying to catch up on the news real quick. Maybe you can help me out. Is shit still cray? Is shit still breathtakingly, overwhelmingly, face-smashingly, bat-shittingly cray?

Whelp, the President’s Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard takes his turn on the hot seat tomorrow; he tried to sneak by with a private hearing, but nobody was having any of that shit, so America gets to watch the Yokel of Injustice refuse to answer questions tomorrow afternoon, live! in stunning Technicolor!

Well Resisters, America’s two Racist Dads are fighting! The media is chock full of reports that the Marmalade Shartcannon and his Loyal Huntin’ Dawg Beauregard find themselves at odds! Shartboy’s all hot n’ bothered that Ol’ Beau recused himself from the Russia investigation for the lil’ ol’ reason that he was caught a-perjurin’ hisself before the cawngress. Sources tell me the President hit Sessions several times on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, while proclaiming Sessions to be a “bad boy,” and Beau retaliated by whizzing on the Oval Office carpet.

So, it was a relatively tame weekend, by 2017 standards. Oh sure, maybe down in Texas a few legislators threatened to shoot each other, and maybe th’Post published a disturbing exposé that revealed the intelligence community has to resort to tricks like filling our Idiot Manchild President’s intelligence briefings with pornographic cartoons and scratch n’ sniff stickers to get him to pay attention, but generally the madness rained down so lightly you’d scarcely even notice it…

Yeah yeah, we all woke up in a world where some rich dude got elected to congress the day after body-slamming a reporter*. It sucks, and of course the media loves to trot out smug idiots in their Funyon-stained TRUMP THAT BITCH sweatshirts to talk about how All Them Reporters Haz it Comin’, but you know what? Every single congressional district except ONE isn’t in Montana, and they’re all up for grabs in a year and a half.

Let’s start with the good news, Resistors! Didja see that shit where a couple of badass Democratic women won state legislative seats in New York and New Hampshire? Seats held by Republicans since Mitch McConnell was a mere hatchling? Seats that Drumpf carried by safe margins just last November? Yeah. That was pretty sweet, wasn’t it?

Y’know what’s absolutely fucking nutty, friends? I look at today’s news, which would have made newspapers in any other year in human history shriek like banshees, and I think “Meh. Not really up to the standards of say, last Wednesday.”

In short…shit be cray.

Jesus fucking Christ, the news! Gaze not into the news lest it gaze back at ye!

And Thursday was so quiet. After being stuffed in a bag and thrown into the dryer with Wednesday’s news, it was almost quaint to learn a few more details about the Comey memos. “Oh, he tried to hide in the curtains, that’s cute, and apparently extra amusing because he is unusually tall. I’ve only ever seen him sitting down, so I did not know that. Fun!”

Well folks, not to repeat myself, but…shit be cray.

The news continues to roll out like it was being written by John le Carré, chained to radiator in David Cronenberg’s basement, subsisting entirely on moonshine and Sour Patch Kids.

Well I wanted to rant a bit, but frankly there just hasn’t been that much going on. Oh sure, we laughed at Team Shart sending known adulteress Callista Gingrich to Vatican City as the fucking ambassador, and there were a few more humiliating polls, but all in all, it’s been so quiet you’d almost think we lived in normal times.

The madness has gone into overdrive ever since the Dried-out Play-Doh Manatee decided he didn’t need no stinkin’ oversight and fired James Comey, and we’re all just careening around the Wasteland in search of fuel and crullers these days.

Let’s start with the dastardly act of deception perpetrated by the Russians in the very Oval Office itself! It seems a photographer from a Russian state-owned media agency took a photo of Drumpf with Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, and published it without American consent! “They tricked us,” a White House official said, “They lie!”

Well, the GOP decided to throw a little theme party this week, and the theme was CRUELTY. Stung by all those You Ain’t Done Shit About Shit 100 days pieces, everybody from the lowliest wannabe Klansman serving on a small town school board to the dead-eyed demons occupying the highest perches of political power decided to show the country just what the Republican Party is all about: the vengeful, destructive hatred of everyone who disagrees with them. There was punch, a piñata that turned out to a DREAMer, and a rousing game of musical chairs where a group of plebes with kids who were born with genetic diseases competed believing the winner would get health insurance, but when there was just one chair left Paul Ryan took it away and everyone laughed and toasted with champagne that costs more than most folks’ rent.

After dallying for a few days in the realm of the merely nutty, the news took a turn for for the poop-flingingly insane today, folks. What the walking hell is going on in this country?

Remember how we all gathered around our phones and tablets Sunday afternoon waiting for the French Presidential election results to roll in? Because this is what we do now, we tune in every few weeks to the hot new game show “Nazi, or Nah?” And thank god (or whatever the God of France is, some sort of large, rude, talking crepe, I imagine) they elected the one who isn’t a Nazi and other countries were learning from our mistakes and we smiled and felt good and then we noticed that we were still only two minutes closer to the midterms.