American Madness Journal

поздравления, comrades! Operation Jade Helm VIII: Joy Buzzer succeeded beyond our wildest imaginings, and soon, we shall deliver these hapless “United States” into the tan suit-clad arms of our DEI hire and a mere assistant coach! Muah hah hah hah hee hee ho ho hah...

Life’s just one long Downfall parody down at Marm-a-Lago these days, for the craven creep cabal brought low by the devastating simplicity of those two humble syllables: “joy” and “weird.” Plus, the Chief Creep got ketchup all over the printout of that nude selfie Kim...

I’d like to dedicate this week’s blog to all those puritanical pundits out there, clutching their pearls to powder over the exuberant outpouring of couchfucker jokes from the rejuvenated American Left. Sure, JD Vance spends his entire professional life spreading...

I’d like to formally retract any despair I may’ve expressed, or even felt, during the debate/ear diaper doldrums of late June/early July 2024. If there’s one lesson I should’ve absorbed over the course of 7+ years spent chroniclin’ the manic minutiae of MAGA madness,...

When last we met, we were in disarray, and I think we can all agree…it fucking sucks there. Traffic’s lousy, you can’t get decent pizza, and the less said about the water, the better. On second thought, let’s not go there. ‘Tis a silly place. Plus, we were able to...

Y’know, a failed assassination attempt should be the greatest thing that could ever possibly happen to a personality cult, but leave it to MAGA to make it embarrassing in less than a week. Ear diapers, you guys? Are you sure? I guess I’m worried that the guy who winds...

Having never actually been in disarray as a Dem before, I’ll confess I don’t care for it. That said, in my official capacity, as a drunken internet loudmouth in a superhero bathrobe & luchador mask, I wield little clout in the weighty debates we face, which you’ll...

Wow, what a super-fun week for left-leaning news junkies! You’re probably expecting the next CNN push notification to read, “You shoulda gotten that thing on your back checked out six months ago, oh well; also, your parents always considered you a disappointment.”...

Well, I won’t keep you long, I’m sure you’re anxious to get back to the funnest news cycle of all time. It’s doomscroller’s delight out there on the information superhighway, an all-you-can-eat buffet of sky-is-falling thinkpiecery, and admittedly…the sky has seemed...

You could almost forgive the wingnut disinformation apparatus their lazy-yet-brazen (brazy? blazen?) attempts to photoshop Joe Biden into a senility crisis, considering how difficult it must be to find footage of their own candidate where he isn’t waving at imaginary...

From a certain angle, the Dotard had his best week, legally speaking, in quite some time. No, think about it. Today, he stands before the public facing fewer felony charges than he has in months. Once, that number climbed and climbed, ultimately attaining a truly...

  As expected, the pudding-spined mediocrity that passes for a strongman in America’s cut-rate conservative culture proved far too chickenshit to testify under oath, so the defense of the Republican presidential nominee rested, not with a bang, but with the merest...

My, my, my, the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse has become the place to see and be seen for the proto-fascist sycophant set. It’s like Studio 54, only for excruciatingly dorky, power-hungry nitwits. “Hey, wanna play hooky from Congress to help an adjudicated rapist...

Let’s address the elephant in the room. Obviously, all the RFK Jr. brainworm jokes were long gone hours before my Friday night posting time. I don’t have some awesome, worth-the-wait, totally original, unheard RFK Jr. brainworm joke for you. Apologies. For about ten...

At the risk of repeating myself, adjudicated rapist/GOP presidential nominee Donald J. Trump spent the week napping through his felony trial, though rumors of farting in his sleep are just rumors and democracy dies in darkness so we must assume he is only napping and...

I’ve decided to compose a comedy of manners/courtroom thriller about our topsy-turvy times. My working title: The Drowsy Rapist. Perhaps The Chilly Rapist. The Drowsy, Chil- no, that’s too much. ANYWAY, there’s this rapist, who commits bunches and bunches of crimes on...

My dearest friends, I must regretfully inform you I have been rendered obsolete. Not by AI, but by all too naturally occurring anti-intelligence. I don’t say this lightly, but I believe we may have just endured the single dumbest week in human history. You know you’re...

With memories of the divisive presidential primary fading faster than the idea of Ron DeSantis as a viable national political figure, MAGA Nation has turned peacefully inward, to contemplate the really big questions in life, like “is the rapist game show host we...

Hi everybody! Miss me? I missed y’all! Y’know, I actually made arrangements for a fill-in blogger, but I had to pull her at the last minute after I finally ran the background check. All she told me at the interview was that her name was Ronna, and she was absolutely,...

Hello, friends! Hope you’re enjoying your woke beers and your heathen potato toys and watching your furry kids defecate in taxpayer-funded litter boxes at school. In short, I wish you all the bounties of our lord Dark Brandon’s satanic reign. Go ahead and...

Hey, am I still allowed to blog? I have no idea what my rights are anymore. A couple dudes in red coats with muskets showed up yesterday, and I guess I’m quartering them now? Guess I shoulda read Project 2025 a little more closely, back before that executive order...

Okay, Reverse Xmas is almost upon us. Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night. A bumpy night that lasts four years. Plus, everyone else in the car will be shrieking and biting and farting the entire time. I begged my doctor to prescribe me a 1,460 day...

Well, apocalyptic enough for ya? Cities burning while a bloated, malignant, wannabe warlord sows fear and hate, visions of conquest contorting his already vaguely demonic countenance…I’ve read enough Conan the Barbarian comics to know this is gonna get worse before it...

Well, hello there. Been a minute. You’re looking well. Y’know, I almost got the smell of autocracy and overcooked steak farts out of my poor, battered cranium, but it appears break time is over, alas. So, a few days back, some soft, sloppy dork called Patrick Thomas...

First of all: fuck. To clarify: FUCK! Fuckity fucking fuck. That said, in the interest of balance, on the other hand: FUUUUUUUUUCK And to those who would counter, “MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING FUCK,” I say…fair enough. I see where you’re coming from. MOTHERFUCKING FUCKING...