American Madness Journal

With the three-day weekend, surely the madness slowed down, if only a bit, right? No? Fuck. Fine. Sprinkle some bath salts on your Tide Pods, and let's wade through the muck. I have to admit I'm impressed with the legs on ShitholeGate*. We've grown accustomed to...

Hey there, Resisters. Just another quiet, Rockwell-esque weekend, as Americans gathered 'round the dinner table to talk about what a racist piece of trash our President is, unless of course they were cowering in the family fallout shelter. Let's round up the madness,...

Even by our current Cuckoo's Nest standards, this has been an unusually nutty week, right? My news feed has been like a meth lab full of howler monkeys. This one's gonna take a while, so let's dive right in... So, a number of Congressional Republicans, in partnership...

Hey everybody! How're you enjoying 2018 so far? The national debate about whether or not the President of the United States is an unhinged man-child who could plunge the planet into nuclear war over a twitter insult sure is fun and relaxing, isn't it? It's like living...

Hey folks, Shower Cap got hit with the flu, so I've spent most of the time since our last update giving offerings to the Porcelain God. Anyway, it's only been a couple of days, I couldn't have missed much, right? ...never mind. Ok, folks. Strap on your hazmat suit,...

Well, we finally dragged 2017, raving, syphilitic, and oozing pus, out behind the shed and gave it two right between the eyes. Suck it, Old Yeller. And Baby 2018, perhaps still blissfully unaware of what's in store for it, gurgles, smiles, and shits its pants. Let's...

Hello, Resisters! I hope whatever holidays you celebrate and/or are at war with treated you well. Me, I got a stocking full of BAT SHIT. Let's starting diggin' through it. Everyone laughed at Albino Prune Orrin Hatch when he proudly accepted the prestigious "Utahn of...

The weather outside is frightful. And SO IS THE FUCKING NEWS! You thought you were getting carols? We're fresh outta carols. What we have is MADNESS, and we've got it oozing from every orifice. Sing about THAT. How are you celebrating the holiday season, Resisters?...

I think the nonstop insanity of 2017 has finally entirely overwhelmed the GOP. Having passed a universally-despised bill that will certainly destroy their congressional majorities in 11 short months, these delusional old men are partying like it's 1899, and they're...

Well, Resisters, I received a list of banned words and phrases from the Drumpf Administration, that I'm no longer allowed to use here in my humble little corner of the internet. Stuff like "science-based," "Roy Moore is a child molester who was banned from the mall,"...

It is a goddamn miracle I sobered up from my Holy Shit AlaFuckingBama Elected a Democrat to the Senate festivities. Since then I have subsisted entirely on think pieces about What a Comical Fuckup Steve Bannon is for Losing Diet Klansman Jefferson Beauregard Sessions...

Sigh. Just another Manic Monday, amiright? I wish it was Sunday. A random Sunday in like, 2009. Long as I'm wishing, I'm at a Tom Petty concert. With Gloria Grahame. Lindsey Graham seems to enjoy being the Velveeta Urinal Cake's golfing buddy. Shit, Lindsey's in...

We're about due for a news slowdown aren't we? We certainly fucking deserve it. What's that? Obama's giving "Wake the fuck up before we wind up like Nazi Germany" speeches? Well...maybe shit'll slow down next week. Let's round up the madness so we can start drinking...

Holy hell, folks. As this blog has documented, shit has been good and thoroughly cray-cray for some time now, and that was when the Man with Phalangeal Stunting could get through a short public speech without slurring his words like a bridesmaid singing Total Eclipse...

'Evenin', Resisters. Shower Cap took a mental health day Monday, hope you didn't miss me. Anyway, it's just one extra day, how much insanity could I possibly miss in one little ol' day? HAHAHAHAH just kidding, it's 2017 and EVERY DAY is Trapped in a Christian...

A joyous Flynn Flipping Day to you all! This is truly my favorite holiday! Tonight, children will gather around the Flynn Flipping Tree to engage in the traditional Flynn Flipping Plea Bargaining Ceremony, where they stooge out their siblings' bad behavior in an...

A Category 5 shitstorm hit the United States today, leaving millions of Americans without access to decency. Recovery efforts are expected to take years. Ideally three or less. The Marmalade Shartcannon woke up on the wrong side of the piss-coated mattress today,...

Hey there, folks. Remember the Obama administration? There'd be entire weeks where you wouldn't pay attention to the news at all, right? Oh sure, you'd notice out of the corner of your eye that Mitch McConnell was bellowing about something, and maybe Joe Biden let a...

I must've left the Thanksgiving leftovers out overnight, right? They grew some sort of hallucinogenic mold, and the weekend's Pink Elephants on Parade insanity is just a figment of my imagination, right? ...right? Well, I wanna dive right into the largest controversy...

  Boy, nothing enrages the shittiest people alive quite like Donald Trump getting indicted. HEY, YOU CAN’T ARREST THAT GAME SHOW HOST, I WAS WORSHIPPING THAT GUY! They want to insurrect again so badly, only they’re afraid they’d fuck it up like the last one. And...

  Say, for such a young feller, this Biden kid’s got some chops. Yet another too-good-for-Fox-to-spin jobs report, on top of the nobody-gloat-till-the-vote-closes fleecing of poor Keville Chamberlain. Hey, House Republicans, if you’re wondering where Joe’s pants...

  Folks, this week may’ve finally broken me. Marjorie Taylor Greene dropped a hundred grand on Kevin McCarthy’s used chapstick, and it only got dumber from there. Are we absolutely certain this is real life, and not, like, my college theatre department staging...

  John Durham, having failed so completely and spectacularly at the task he devoted 3 1/2 years of his life to, sat down to make a list of all the made-up shit he wanted to find but didn’t, knowing right-wing media would treat it like a stone tablet proving...

  Grossest week in a while, wasn’t it? Straight from the E. Jean Carroll verdict to the raw, human horror of that CNN town hall. Sharp drop. The judge in the Carroll case felt compelled to advise the jury to avoid publicly identifying themselves, as doing so...