American Madness Journal

 When we tell the stories of these batguano-coated days to our grandchildren, the sudden appearance of murder hornets is when they’re gonna roll their eyes and tell us we’re full of shit. Fuck ‘em. They weren’t there. We had to live through all this crap:Many have...

 TGIF, right? Assuming it really is Friday, I certainly can’t tell anymore. TGI...Sometime, I suppose. I am reasonably certain time still exists, if only because I periodically see commercials for television shows that haven’t happened yet. Well, let’s round up (what...

  So, how’re you holding up under quarantine? Is your family driving you mad yet? Are you beginning to entertain Saw film fantasies about your spouse/parent/child/roommate? Feel free to discuss your grotesque, labyrinthine, plots in the comments; don’t worry,...

 Well, the shelter-in-place orders are getting extended, and human civilization is a rapidly-fading memory. But we can still gather ‘round a campfire digitally, dammit, and we don’t even need to wear masks! So pour yourself a tall, frosty, glass of bleach, and let’s...

 So, on a scale of 1 to The Shining, how’re you handling your quarantine? I’m holding up reasonably well at the moment, but let’s just say I’m glad there are no axes in the house. All blog and no beer makes Cap a dull boy indeed. Anyhoo, let’s do the news, yeah? Small...

 I ran out of beer so I had to put on pants for a little while today, but otherwise my devolution into a non-civilized primate is coming along quite nicely, thank you. I figure I’ll keep blogging as long as I still have opposable thumbs, so here’s the news: No sooner...

 You may be trapped inside your home, but you know you can’t escape the madness. No, it’s all around you, it’s been renewed for three more seasons on Netflix, it’s pissing in your last container of Lysol wipes, it’s arriving on your very doorstep right this minute via...

  So, I have an imaginary friend now. I call her Quarantina and we talk all day and I’m jealous because she lives in a swing state so her vote would count if she were real and no I don’t think my mental health has been affected by weeks of isolation but the news...

 Hey there! Congratulations on surviving! Living through another week in an America under siege from both the coronavirus and Donald Trump’s boneheaded, homicidal, mismanagement is like fire-walking across the mouth of an erupting volcano while ogres throw hammers and...

 Hello! I’m television’s Jared Kushner, and my Daddy-in-Law nationalized this blog and gave it to me to run! Now, I know you fans of Bath Captain enjoy your humor, so I’ve decided to outsource tonight’s post to my close, personal, friend...CARROT TOP! I sure hope prop...

 How’s your quarantine goin’, Shower Captives? Oh, I’m fine. I’m certainly not thinking about installing a chandelier, just to have something to swing from. Nope. All totally normal thoughts rattling around in the cranium ‘neath the mask. Let’s round up the news...

  Hey, everybody. Hope you’re doing reasonably well out there, in this bizarre reality where the President of the United States is actively trying to kill you. If he shows up at your door, remember, just throw an open umbrella at him, and he’ll become confused...

 Well, it was difficult to find time in my busy schedule of drinking beer and perpetually re-sterilizing every inch of my apartment, but I figured I’d drop by for a quick news round-up. It’s been a real positive, uplifting, week, full of daisies and puppies and exotic...

 Well, I am 31 flavors of quarantined and goin’ a little stir crazy, my friends. I’m about to paint a face on a volleyball and start talking to it, y’know, like in that really obscure Cast Away movie? Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m the first one to make that joke, so...

 Oh, man. I thought shit was cray back when we could leave our homes. Well, before everybody descends into Edgar Allan Poe-style madness, let’s round up the news, it won’t be so - HEY! PUT DOWN THAT AXE, BRO!When last we spoke, the Velveeta Vulgarian had cleverly (in...

  History texts depicting this period will read like deranged Choose Your Adventure books written by sadists; no matter how frantically you flip backwards, you just can’t seem to find the page when you still had the option to vote for the really smart lady with...

 Everybody’s panic-purchasing hand sanitizer and canned goods and toilet paper, I just want to be the calming voice of reason in your life, reminding you to stock up on plenty of beer, cuz who wants to ride out a quarantine sober? My own personal emergency bunker is...

 The masks will not keep the madness out, my friends, so you needn’t even bother. We’re all infected with this insanity, there’s no escaping it, and I guess we’ll find out this November if it’s fucking fatal. Let’s round up the news, shall we? The media lawsuits are...

 Well, as y’all know, I had to step away from the ol’ blog for a few days, due to personal life concerns that swung from the life-changingly awesome to the heartbreakingly tragic. I’m back now, and as expected, my metaphorical desk is all but invisible beneath a...

 My friends,Thank you so much for you very kind words in response to yesterday’s post. I can’t express how much that outpouring of support meant to me. I have the best readers a fake superhero could ask for.Regrettably, real life keeps coming between us this week. My...

  Well, Walt Nauta and his boss got indicted, so I guess there’s a civil war now? Being American is so fucking embarrassing sometimes. Because wide swaths of the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history have been overrun by aggressively overcommitted...

  Boy, nothing enrages the shittiest people alive quite like Donald Trump getting indicted. HEY, YOU CAN’T ARREST THAT GAME SHOW HOST, I WAS WORSHIPPING THAT GUY! They want to insurrect again so badly, only they’re afraid they’d fuck it up like the last one. And...

  Say, for such a young feller, this Biden kid’s got some chops. Yet another too-good-for-Fox-to-spin jobs report, on top of the nobody-gloat-till-the-vote-closes fleecing of poor Keville Chamberlain. Hey, House Republicans, if you’re wondering where Joe’s pants...

  Folks, this week may’ve finally broken me. Marjorie Taylor Greene dropped a hundred grand on Kevin McCarthy’s used chapstick, and it only got dumber from there. Are we absolutely certain this is real life, and not, like, my college theatre department staging...

  John Durham, having failed so completely and spectacularly at the task he devoted 3 1/2 years of his life to, sat down to make a list of all the made-up shit he wanted to find but didn’t, knowing right-wing media would treat it like a stone tablet proving...