American Madness Journal

Y'know, I figured I'd take a couple days off, detox from the never-ending cray-cray news infusion. I come back and find both Toys R' Us and Stephen Hawking died? What the fuck? I CAN'T LEAVE YOU ALONE FOR TWO FUCKING DAYS, CAN I? Only in this Monkeys Forever Throwing...

Hey folks, sorry for not checking in over the weekend. I went on a little bender, drunk out of my mind on Martin Shkreli's tears. I woke up behind a Wendy's dumpster clutching what I had initially believed was an exclusive Wu-Tang Clan album, but which turned out to...

I've said it before, folks, but SHIT BE CRAY. A few short days ago, Nunberg-Mania was running wild, and now I can't even remember the sad fucker's first name. Let's wade into the fever swamp, shall we? My friends, I am running out of tears. First, Roy Moore passed the...

Everybody keeps saying "this is not normal," and they're right, but it's been a year now, so what if this is just what normal looks like now? What if we spend the rest of our lives navigating a media landscape that looks like a war between Wonderland and Living Island...

Today I found myself, on my couch, in my bathrobe, blogging about the intersection of politics and deer spunk, and I confess I'm uncertain how I got there. Life is strange. Anyhow, the news: Let me begin with an apology. I try to provide a reasonably comprehensive...

Sweet Titty-Fucking Christ, how is there this much news in ONE WEEK? There wasn't this much news in some YEARS of the Obama administration. There wasn't this much news in the entire motherfucking Renaissance! I apologize in advance for the sheer length of this. I even...

Great leaders inspire. Some with their actions, others with...proclamations of what they're pretty sure their actions would have been. Ok, maybe that second kind isn't so great. But it's what we're stuck with. I don't know if I covered this in the last blog, but Paul...

In the interest of full disclosure, I should let you know that Shower Cap is still a bit under the weather tonight, and thus tonight's post was composed by a crisis blogger. Bad news for the deluded fools who imagined Mitt Romney's Utah Senate run would herald the...

Well, because the Deep State fears my work, they have infected me once again with the stomach flu. I've vomited on this blog post several times. I did my best to clean it up, but make sure to sanitize your screen after reading. It doesn't feel right to celebrate...

This was supposed to be an easy, pleasant, weekend. I was gonna get to see BLACK PANTHER, which would bring me as much joy as it brought Ben Shapiro existential terror. But no, the Madness intervened yet again, so here I sit, with a six pack and the internet's...

Today was nutty, even by the dryer-full-of-badgers standards to which we've grown accustomed, right? I sorta wish I could get those creepy-ass North Korean cheerleaders to deliver tonight's post, that seems appropriately gonzo. The entire planet was rocked by the news...

When I was a kid, Sunday nights meant curling up with the Simpsons and the X-Files (and Touched by an Angel, because I was dating a Baptist girl), but now I'm stuck wading through the weekend news, hoping nobody started WWIII.  Less fun. We're all just puttering...

Friends, I know the news batters us relentlessly these days, like a tornado in a hammer factory, but things aren't all bad! Why, Senator Angus King has successfully procured the lobster emoji his home state of Maine has long desired! WE'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT! First of...

The weekend was relatively quiet, so you sort of expected the calm wouldn't last. It didn't. So open a bag of new Crunchless Doritos For Her, pour yourself a glass of Hush, the Menfolk Are Talking brand boxed wine, and strap yourself in for the Monday Nite Madness...

I don't know how much more of this shit I can take, Resisters. I ate my therapy peacock three hours ago and now I'm picking my teeth with her last tail feather. "Oh, it can't be that bad, Cap. You're exaggerating, Cap. Let's poke around a bit, it'll calm you down."...

Well, the Velveeta Vulgarian is out of the country for a bit. Less welcome at home than a wolverine with diarrhea, the President took his Desperate Need For Approval Since Daddy Never Loved Me Tour to Davos, hoping the world's financial elite would finally be...

Hey, let's start with some good news for a change! Tammy Duckworth is pregnant with her second child and will be the first United States Senator in history to give birth while in office! Congratulations, Senator Duckworth! Cling to that warm fuzzy feeling, because...

Gotta admit, I'm kinda pissed, Resisters. I was supposed to go to a 9-dollar-per-plate Boston Market dinner last night, but noooooooooooo! A certain spray-tanned, sphincter-faced assclown had to shut down the government! Maybe all of Washington is ineptly bumbling...

Hey folks...just hanging around, waiting for the government to shut down, with a snifter full of laudanum and a box of Target wine, thought I'd see if you wanted to give the week's madness a once-over. Let's start with a little good gnus. Team Blue flipped a ruby red...

  Historians will surely mark this week as the precise moment American decline became irreversible, as John Fetterman presided over the United States Senate wearing pasties and a g-string, while Susan Collins go-go danced in a shark cage suspended above Josh...

  Back in September, 2012, on the very night the famous 47% video leaked, I was approached by a man claiming to be a time traveler from the future, who snickeringly insisted I’d miss Mittens when his career in electoral politics finally ended. Naturally, I...

  Well, the Republican Party continues its mad, manic spiral into authoritarianism, white supremacy, and violence, but on the other hand, Joe Biden is old, so y’know…both sidez, y’all. This is Chuck Todd, filling in for Shower Cap. And now, the news: The GOP’s...

  Well, hello there. Been a minute. Let’s see if I remember how to do this. Orange Man…good? Do I have that right? Anyway, I’ve returned from summer vacation, ready to resume the fight to take the country back from the busloads of socialist groomer antifas, and...

  Well, Walt Nauta and his boss got indicted, so I guess there’s a civil war now? Being American is so fucking embarrassing sometimes. Because wide swaths of the wealthiest, most advanced nation in human history have been overrun by aggressively overcommitted...