American Madness Journal

Well, Happy Thanksgiving, Resisters! This year I find myself shockingly appreciative for the absence of an initiated-by-a-pissing-contest-between-the-two-least-secure-men-on-the-planet nuclear war, so I'll give thanks for that, and for Special Counsel Bob Mueller and...

Hey everybody! Well, it's Joe Biden's birthday, and God celebrated by KILLING CHARLES MANSON. Yeah, that's how crazy shit is these days. That's my OPENING PARAGRAPH. See that WaPo article last night? The one about the whole Shart House staff existing in a state of...

Hey there Resisters! I've been away for a few days, putting up the holiday decorations in my nuclear bunker...shit still cray?  I bet shit's still cray. Before we dive into the serious shit, let's allow ourselves a good, sturdy, chuckle at the expense of the Shitty,...

Folks, I know I say it a lot, and perhaps the repetition has stripped the phrase of meaning, but...shit be cray. How cray? I'll tell you. Some Yodeling Cracker Thumb called 'Blake Shelton' was declared the "sexiest man alive." Dadbod isn't THAT in, okay? If Blake...

Remember the days when you could read the news without wearing sterilized gloves? When you could check in on the various shenanigans and goings-on of the movers and shakers without needing bulk quantities of hand sanitizer and bleach nearby? Fuck, do we HAVE to keep...

We're all reflecting on the 2016 election, because it was a year ago this week, and we're remembering our early reactions...our worries, our determination to resist, our fears...those were some dark days, right? But if anybody put any money on "Within one short year...

Y'know, each day is a gift and a miracle. We greet the morning and all the potential it brings with hope and excitement. Truly, life IS like a box of chocolates, and you never do know what you're going to get. Today's chocolate had the surprising filling of Oh I Guess...

Kinda slow for a Monday, huh? Things're pretty quiet with the Dotard abroad*. I'd say "too quiet," but I am absolutely not dumb enough to tempt fate like that. Not in 2017. So, what should we talk about? Rand Paul's MMA fight with his No Doubt Equally Jaggy Neighbor...

Hi everybody. I just popped out of the trenches of the Secret Antifa War to see if anything interesting's going on. ...holy fuck. It really never stops, does it? Rick Perry must've poured a little science sauce on his smart guy glasses, when he posited Perry's First...

Well folks, Halloween has come and gone, so why does reading the news still feel like I've been locked in the Funhouse Hall of Mirrors with nothing but NyQuil and moldy pumpernickel to subsist on? Before we get started, don't forget the OBAMACARE OPEN ENROLLMENT...

Hey, Happy Indictment Day, everyone! I'm partaking of the traditional Indictment Day IPA Six-pack...if this post mysteriously cuts off halfway through, it's because I've passed out on my keyboard, hammered and cackling. Before we enter the atmosphere to conduct a...

Shit is getting real, y'all. Shit is hitting the fan. REAL SHIT IS HITTING THE FAN AND WHILE I CANNOT DEFINITIVELY TESTIFY TO THE REALNESS OF THE FAN IT SEEMS LIKELY THAT IS IN FACT REAL OTHERWISE THE SHIT WOULD HAVE FLOWN THROUGH IT AND HIT THE WALL BEHIND THE FAN,...

Well, it's scary movie season, but the box office is in the crapper, cuz the American people are all, "You think YOU got problems? Fuck you, I'd give my eye teeth* to just be dealing with an icepick-wielding maniac in a plastic mask. Your boy gets nuclear codes,...

My friends, we are so deep in the Weeds of Madness now that we need Francis Ford Coppola to make a film titled APOCALYPSE EVERY THREE MINUTES OR SO starring a CGI Marlon Brando reciting Lady Gaga lyrics backwards with all the pretension he can muster. So Comrade Shart...

Hey everybody, I'm pleased to announce a Kickstarter for the very first piece of Official Shower Cap Merch! It's the Talking Stephen Miller Forehead Extension, just in time for Halloween! Simply grind your teeth in flustered resentment to trigger sensors at the...

We keep finding new ways to miss Obama, don't we? The class, the intellect. The way he actually knew things about policy. The absence of white supremacists in key advisory positions. The way he never seemed to want to goad anybody into starting a nuclear war. That...

Hmmm...really just a gentle madness drizzle today, at least by current standards. As though someone lightly dusted my breakfast oatmeal with just a pinch of bath salts, spiking my OJ with a mere half-bottle of cough syrup. Well, picking up where we left off yesterday,...

Shit's been so fucked up for so long, I totally assume that every time I check in on shit, I will find that shit to be fucked up. Day after day, insane story after insane story...I wouldn't say I'm desensitized, but I will say that I fully expect every trip through...

Ah, a crisp autumn day. I can almost visualize the last dwindling threads of my sanity drifting to the ground like a dying leaf. It will be sweater weather soon, and my straightjacket will seem a blessing rather than an irritant. Y'know, if William Shakespeare were...

Folks, I know that shit be cray. I know there's the impulse to say that it's like "the inmates are running the asylum." I just don't think that's quite fair. It's more like the inmates had a mail-in contest with all the other asylums, where they gave everybody a...

  Seismic news this week, as leaked texts suggest recently defenestrated telefascist Tucker Carlson may hold some, shall we say “problematic” views on race. To think, were it not for these texts, the poor, misled Murdoch family might ne’er have learned of the...

  I have a favorite push notification now. I think it’s the nicest thing my phone has ever done for me, actually. “What’s that you say, phone? Tucker Carlson got fired? Goodness me, what a wonderful thing to’ve happened, and what a wonderful thing to know!” and I...

  I’m tired of hearing about inflation and jobs reports, what we need in this country is an insufferability index, measuring the degree to which our quality of life is impacted by the shrieking inanity of the American Right in decline. That number would be off...

  I write tonight’s post from the roof of my apartment building, awaiting FEMA rescue, in the aftermath of the deluge of think pieces n’ hot takes about the strength of Alvin Bragg’s case. Feeling good about my decision to gouge my eyes out to spare myself...

  Slow news week, huh? Man, that one never gets old. “Slow news week.” Good one, Cap, maybe you can work something in about the Gwyneth Paltrow trial, like a mob of Goop truthers armed with vagina-scented candles storming the courtroom or something? I dunno, I’ll...