American Madness Journal

Some Week, Huh, Herschel?

Some Week, Huh, Herschel?

  Fellow frogs, I know it’s nice n’ cozy here in the boiling water, but do you ever hop out of the pot for a minute, just to take it all in? It happened gradually, day by day, but our status quo got all sorts of fucked up, didn’t it? 31 different flavors of...

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The One With James Madison’s Flute

The One With James Madison’s Flute

  Friends, knowing what’s in store for you in the paragraphs to come….well, I hope you like white grievance, cuz you’re getting a heapin’ helpin’ of it tonight. The lunch lady is dispensing softboi whinging with an industrial-grade scoop this week. Plop. Plop....

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Why Isn’t the Mike Lindell Hardee’s a National Monument Yet?

Why Isn’t the Mike Lindell Hardee’s a National Monument Yet?

  Y’know, I think it’s perfect, actually, that we’re watching our stupid, stupid history unfold in fast food chain parking lots. We earned this. We cut zero corners constructing this madhouse. Holy shit, this country is sick in some genuinely strange ways. My...

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Yes, Joe Biden is the Divisive One. Die On That Hill.

Yes, Joe Biden is the Divisive One. Die On That Hill.

  Y’know, if this does all fall apart, at least future generations will be able to easily distinguish between the first American Civil War and the Dumb one. Silver linings. Okay, we better get the documents thing out of the way first, because it’s all so stupid,...

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Liars, Lawyers, Laura Loomer, and…Listeria?

Liars, Lawyers, Laura Loomer, and…Listeria?

  How does it keep getting dumber and dumber every single week? Mathematically speaking, it shouldn’t be possible to get too terrifically much dumber than bragging about passing a cognitive test, or telling folks to inject disinfectant, but damned if we don’t...

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Crudités And Terrorism: Portrait of a Party Gone Mad

Crudités And Terrorism: Portrait of a Party Gone Mad

  So, I’ve never been a big slasher movie guy, are there ones where the Attractive Vacationing Youths find themselves locked up with, like, hordes of heavily-armed morons? Gibbering idiots, incapable of so much as processing objective reality, yet still imbued...

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Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Joe Manchin

Or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Joe Manchin

  American politics is like some sort of warped nature show, about animals behaving in impossibly self-destructive ways that upset everything we believe about evolutionary survival instincts. You can almost hear the gobsmacked British narrator, wondering why on...

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The Hawley Scamper, and Other Fascist Dance Crazes

The Hawley Scamper, and Other Fascist Dance Crazes

  I’ve just learned we live not only in an era of rampant disinformation and ascendant fascism, but also, it would appear, to my chagrin and horror…the age of the Velveeta martini, and perhaps it’s time to pull the plug on the American experiment after all. I...

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I Hope Ruth Bader Ginsburg Haunts the Shit Out of These Assholes

I Hope Ruth Bader Ginsburg Haunts the Shit Out of These Assholes

  So, I was feeling kinda judgy about the latest cynical serving of Jurassic Product, you know, “you honestly expect me to believe they’d keep making dinosaurs after five movies’ worth of T-rex rampages” kind of stuff, but then I gave a moment’s passing thought...

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Maybe The Real Capitol Riot Is The Friends We Made Along The Way

Maybe The Real Capitol Riot Is The Friends We Made Along The Way

  I know I can’t be the only one out there who keeps the Hamilton cast recording on in the car, just as I’m surely not the only one who shouts “oh go fuck yourself” every time they get to the part that goes “look around, at how lucky we are to be alive right...

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Joe Biden > Howling Asshats, and Other Observations

Joe Biden > Howling Asshats, and Other Observations

  Intellectually, we knew going in that we were dealing with people of low character and no discernible competence, but watching the MAGA GOP actually run the U.S. House of Representatives blows my fucking mind. My expectations were real low, you guys, but they...

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All Things Being Equal, I’d Rather Be the Jobs Guy

All Things Being Equal, I’d Rather Be the Jobs Guy

  Writing about Republican politics is like babysitting the shittiest kids in the world, and honestly, I feel like these little assholes owe us a good, long nap. Never a moment’s fucking peace. Little shits. Ok, you kicked Ilhan Omar off the Foreign Affairs...

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Marjorie Taylor Greene and the 221 Dwarfs

Marjorie Taylor Greene and the 221 Dwarfs

  Before we dive into the latest antics from Kevin’s kooky kakistocrats, let’s take a moment to remember the context: this is an audition, folks. This is the Republican Party putting its best foot forward. These are their church clothes, and this is their best...

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Harry Potter and the Oversight Committee of Madness

Harry Potter and the Oversight Committee of Madness

  Zounds. Possibly the dumbest week yet, and I don’t say that lightly. From “Idaho Republican sorry for comparing women's health to milking cows” to “I want you to make me a shoe I can fuck,” this week’s news was determined to bludgeon our battered brains into...

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Moving Past the Speaker Vote Was a Mistake

Moving Past the Speaker Vote Was a Mistake

  Watching Republicans take control of the House of Representatives has been like looking at TikTok videos where they give sea monkeys knives and meth. Which I hope isn’t a real thing. It’s fuckin’ nutty out there, is what I’m trying to say. Well, it took a...

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ATLAS CRAPPED

ATLAS CRAPPED

Speaker of the House

Paul Ryan was cloned from a single pubic hair plucked from Ayn Rand post-coitus and grown in a still in Charles Koch’s back yard.

YERTLE

YERTLE

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

THE CONCERN TROLL

THE CONCERN TROLL

Disapproving Doormat

Susan Collins is How It Happens Here, folks.

She’s supposed to be the rational centrist. The one who stands up to the increasingly-rabid gaggle of turd-spewing hyenas known as the Republican Party when they go too far. That’s whole point of Susan Collins. It’s the brand she’s been selling the people of Maine for years.

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

THE JACKETLESS JACKASS

Hearing Disrupter

Anybody wondering if the GOP is still the party of Lincoln gets their answer whenever they take in James Daniel Jordan’s tension-racked, jacketless frame as he does his “indignant soccer dad demands to see a manager” routine during a committee hearing. Lincoln? That ship has sailed, caught fire, sunk, and been overrun by sea slugs and the ghosts of unusually shitty pirates. Sorry. 


SUPBAR CASH BROS

SUPBAR CASH BROS

Official Sponsors of American Fascism

Chuck and Davey Koch decided that popping out of a rich lady’s vagina gave them the right to reshape the world however they saw fit, hurting whoever they wanted to in the process, and since the fundamental driving impulse of your average Republican politician is to sell out to the highest bidder, they haven’t exactly been proven wrong.

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