American Madness Journal

  I’ll try to make this quick since I know you’re reading this in line between showings of the Melania movie. Stephen Miller was so excited, he treated himself to an extra vole. After all the years of creeping authoritarianism, it was time at last to lunge. A...

Well, the (First?) Greenland War was as needlessly destabilizing as it was unendurably embarrassing, but at least we lost. I’ve never been so happy to see TACO Trump. TACO Trump is the best Trump by miles. Drunk with Blood and Power, Convinced Regime Change is Fun n’...

So, Kristi Noem appears to have invaded Minnesota. The cursed Choose Your Own Adventure book we’ve been trapped in since 2015 started so innocuously. Page one, chapter one: “A buffoon descends an escalator. To make the buffoon president, turn to page 718,256.” Ten...

No doubt historians will remember The Week Where the Regime Change Wasn’t the Most Terrifying Abuse of State Violence as the healthiest of the entire American experiment. Tell the spirits of the Founders it’s okay to move on to the next plane of existence; we’ve got...

You guys, what if the backup plan to Project 2025 relies on making the domestic opposition too ashamed of being American to fight for their country? Might just work, too. You watch his lewd, triumphal gyrations over the murder of a celebrity critic, like a strip club...

Now that commenting on the Offal in Oval’s glaringly apparent physical and mental decline has been officially declared treasonous, I invite you, dear reader, to enter into a humbly seditious conspiracy with me. Just for the record, the President of the United States...

So, now that we’ve entered the Daily Televised Nap phase of the Thousand Year Reich, I was thinking it’s probably time for that difficult talk about taking the keys to the death cult away from grandpa. No? Well, then, I suppose we may as well launch the Donald J....

Hey, folks! So, I wrote a whole-ass blog this week, and I was in the process of inserting the links when I realized I hadn’t composed a single funny sentence. Couldn’t even find a gag about Clay Higgins voting against the release of the Epstein files, yikes! Happens...

Sometimes I picture the ragged remains of humanity, huddling in caves, hiding from whatever species supplants us as the planet’s dominant life form (we flatter ourselves it’ll be AI, but given the course we’re on, we better hope the pigeons don’t make their move),...

There’s very little in life I enjoy more than a cool, refreshing Blue Wave. The soothing spearmint flavor of flipping governorships, ending red state supermajorities, and winning statewide races for the first time in decades freshens breath and rejuvenates the...

So it seems an indeterminate number of herpes-infected lab monkeys escaped following a car crash in Mississippi, and I couldn’t help fantasizing about how much better off we’d be if one of them were president. Honestly, how far down the current line of succession do...

I feel like “And that’s when the mentally deteriorating game show host unexpectedly demolished an entire wing of the White House to make room for a playpen financed by bribes” will be the moment the American history students of the future start complaining about the...

Salutations, comrades! I assume your Soros-funded monthly subscription box of extra-flammable flags has arrived, so it’s time at last to proceed to the final stage of Operation: Jade Helm…THE FROGGENING! Hating America just feels…I dunno, somehow hate-ier in an...

I write to you tonight from war-torn Chicago, where busloads of Antifas have run amok, smashing our deep-dish pizzas into that flat, flaccid shit they sell in New York. Luckily, heroic agents of ICE have been firing pepperoni balls at the traumatized populace,...

Friends, I confess it’s increasingly challenging to chronicle current events with anything resembling humor. Ummmm…why don’t we try, like, “How many state-sanctioned Proud Boys does it take to zip-tie a bunch of children in the dead of the night?” 300, GIVE OR TAKE,...

Must be exceptionally frustrating for the aspiring autocrat to finally, finally arrive at that Reichstag Fire moment he’s sought for so long only to realize his tiny fingers are too stunted and ineffectual to strike a match. I can only imagine the jeering of the other...

I hope you can forgive me for interrupting your state-mandated grieving period for Saint Charlie the Not at All Racist Outside of the Odd Replacement Theory, but I find myself compelled to take my First Amendment rights out for a leisurely stroll tonight, for reasons...

Well, of the 417 weeks I’ve been operating this blog site, this was surely the healthiest one yet, political culture-wise. Sooooooooo…you’re here for jokes, and I’ll do my best, but it’s definitely a bit of a ”But doctor...I am Pagliacci” mood around here. I’ve been...

PRO TIP for any future civilizations: when a pedophile happens along, what you want to do is promptly administer a cognitive test. If the pedophile describes the test as “difficult,” do not, repeat DO NOT place him in charge of your economy. Cuz it turns out, if you...

Well, I just got off the phone with my cable provider’s customer service department. They agreed that the three-hour cankle-fellating bacchanal was inappropriate for children, but there was nothing they could do because it was a Cabinet meeting. Now that dignity is...

Seems like only yesterday he dreamed of joining the titans of history. Alexander. Napoleon. The sort of dudes who make it into Bill & Ted movies, y’know? He was gonna tariff the entire world into submission and conquer Greenland and deport anybody who complained...

Hello, friends. Forgive my longer-than-expected absence. It’s just that, well, I fancy myself something of a humorist, and to wind up so overwhelmingly, effortlessly out-satired by the very target of my ridicule…it’s been humbling. “Dumocrats” GOD, IT WAS RIGHT THERE!...

Dearest Chums/Friends/Busloads of Antifas - NO BLOG AGAIN TONIGHT! My apologies. The good news is GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #2 is coming together beautifully! The bad news is I’m woefully behind on about a dozen different fronts, and I need to take some...

“He’s been talking recently about how he is the most powerful person to ever live.” Everybody working in the one-sentence horror story field can go ahead and retire. On balance, I’m cheering for the brain rot to outrace the megalomania, though I suppose if...

It’s hard to believe we were ever frightened of MAGA, watching them lie, broken, incontinent, and whinging, on the battlefield they themselves so enthusiastically selected. Mid-decade redistricting blew up in their dumb, dumb faces, just like the tariffs and the...