American Madness Journal

Ask Not at Whom the Pineapple Flies, Mr. Trump; It Flies at Thee
I feel like there are two kinds of news stories these days: those demonstrating the catastrophic consequences of empowering the rageful nationalism sweeping through the global Right, and the ones about America’s Republican Party looking upon those consequences...

Cap Reviews The Bellwethers’ “All I See” (Lil’ Somethin’ Different!)
When Kickstarter backer Fran Scianna asked me to review his band’s song, my initial thought was that I have absolutely no qualifications to review music. Then I remembered I have absolutely no qualifications to talk about politics, either, so I figured I’d...

Tucker Carlson: New-Age Testicle Guru, and, Amazingly, Other Equally Stupid Shit
“There’s no shortage of assholes,” my dad used to say, as a sort of catch-all explanation for the seemingly endless supply of irksome weirdos one collides with over the course of one’s life. And I think that holds up. There are certainly no kinks in the asshole...

Vladimir Putin in the Multiverse of Consequences
In many ways, the universe has been telling humanity the same story, over and over again, for at least half a decade now, and the moral of that story is that Nationalists Cannot Do One Fucking Thing Right, on account of the debilitating inefficiencies of their...

In a World This Mercilessly Stupid, How Could Sarah Palin NOT Come Back?
A week without malignantly insane, world-wrecking assholes…that’s all I want. One little week. Wouldn’t that be nice? To just once click over to Ye Olde Shower Cappe Blog, braced for the expected litany of horrors, only to encounter a brief, “Well whaddya know,...

BREAKING: Right Wing Hatred, Idiocy Ruin Everything (YES, AGAIN)
If anybody had this week in the office pool as the one when the world’s many asshats would finally stop fucking more or less everything up, and let the rest of us just LIVE OUR FUCKING LIVES IN PEACE, you lost your fucking money, didn’tcha? Well, feel free to...

Remind Me Again, Mr. Putin, What Happens When We Fuck Around?
Y’know, I’ve been writing these posts for five fucking years now. I’m just…I’m really, REALLY ready to live anywhere other than here, at this hellishly inescapable intersection of idiocy and indecency. Someplace with better restaurants and fewer violently angry...

In Putin’s Russia, War Crimes Commit YOU!
I feel like “don’t put assholes in charge” is probably the single clearest lesson of human history, and yet here we are again, dealing with the inevitable, catastrophic consequences of Putting Assholes in Charge. At the risk of upending an already contentious...

At Home & Abroad, Gaslighting Fascists Piss in the World’s Cheerios
“Concise” isn’t really the house style here, but if I had to boil this blog down to something like a mission statement, it might go, “the authoritarian Right, because of their bottomless stupidity and nigh-incomprehensible malice, should not be in charge,”and I...

Hitler, But Dumber: The Vladimir Putin Story
See, this is why you don’t let narcissistic assholes run counties. Because countries come with armies. We should have known, I suppose, that even war would find a way to be dumber in this age of fuckheads run amuck, but my God, it’s soul-crushing, how stupid...

Knockoff Hitler Gets His War, and Other Unmitigated Horseshit
Y’know, my greatest hope is that the need for this blog will fade with time, that the madness dies down, and the billions of humans who just want to get through this damn life with minimal bullshit will no longer be subject to the insane whims of the shittiest...

Welcome to the Bouncy Castle Insurrection (Everything is Very Stupid)
Didja see where CNN hired George Orwell’s Force Ghost as an on-air contributor? You’d think he’d have tons of useful insight to offer, but he mostly just yells, “I fucking TOLD you! Why didn’t anyone fucking LISTEN?” and cries. Which, looking at the news, I totally...

But, At Long Last, After Much Consideration, and With All Due Respect…Her Emails
Every night-before-blog-night, I secretly hope this is finally the day I wake up next to Bob Newhart, eager to share all the insane details of the crazy dream I just had, but no such luck this week. Oh well, guess I better prepare for Operation Jade Helm III:...

I Got Yer Legitimate Political Discourse RIGHT HERE
Y’know, the way I sorta judge how things’re going in this country boils down to, “is there more Nazi shit going on than last week, or less?” and I tell you, folks, since that fateful escalator ride what seems like a fucking century ago, the answer hasn’t been “less”...

I Never Expected Ascendant Fascism to be So Very, Very Stupid, Chapter LXXXIV
Look you guys, our Republican brothers and sisters just want to burn books, disenfranchise minorities, roll back women’s rights and LGBTQ rights, gun political opponents down in the streets, and make it illegal to bruise their fragile fee-fees by suggesting any of...

Hey, I Think My Blog’s About to Become Illegal in Florida, Neat!
It’s been one of those fuck-you-for-living-here winter weeks in Chicago, and since Omicron hasn’t quite moved on, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to crawl under some fluffy-ass blankets, and experiment with hot cocktails. Despite such lovely intentions,...

BREAKING: Persecuted Republicans Forced to Drink Own Piss in Underground “Speakeasies”
A year after the Stoopid Coup, Trumpism has congealed into its current, chewed gum-like state; an amorphous wad of god-knows-what unnatural toxins, which we can no longer seem to avoid, on our casual strolls down democracy’s sidewalks, or our absentminded probings of...

Ted Cruz’s Self-Respect, and Other Myths
I never know what to get anyone for insurrection anniversaries. I imagine the Senate Republican Conference is already up to its collective jowlsy gullet in pocket Constitutions, which doubtless remain unread anyway. Maybe just a picture frame? I can think of a few...

2021: A Year That Can Eat My Whole Ass
As you’re putting the finishing touches on your New Year’s plans, don’t forget: it’s not enough to merely drive a stake through 2021’s heart; you need to cut the bastard’s head off, burn everything, and scatter the ashes separately, or you’re gonna wind up with...

Little Traitor Boy, Here Comes Omicron, & Other Death Cult Xmas Carols
So certain is Santa’s naughty verdict, I doubt America even bothered leaving a stocking out this year. Though down in Texas, under Greg Abbott’s Freedom Grid, I’m told they frankly could use the coal. Yes, I offer season’s greetings from 21st-century America, a...

Rapist-Worshipping Death Cult Demands Religious Supremacy
You could almost forgive the wingnut disinformation apparatus their lazy-yet-brazen (brazy? blazen?) attempts to photoshop Joe Biden into a senility crisis, considering how difficult it must be to find footage of their own candidate where he isn’t waving at imaginary...

More Felonies Than Baskin-Robbins Has Flavors
From a certain angle, the Dotard had his best week, legally speaking, in quite some time. No, think about it. Today, he stands before the public facing fewer felony charges than he has in months. Once, that number climbed and climbed, ultimately attaining a truly...

Oh Good, We’re Talking About Reichs Now
As expected, the pudding-spined mediocrity that passes for a strongman in America’s cut-rate conservative culture proved far too chickenshit to testify under oath, so the defense of the Republican presidential nominee rested, not with a bang, but with the merest...

They Say Every Death Cult Winds Up With the Uniform It Deserves…
My, my, my, the Manhattan Criminal Courthouse has become the place to see and be seen for the proto-fascist sycophant set. It’s like Studio 54, only for excruciatingly dorky, power-hungry nitwits. “Hey, wanna play hooky from Congress to help an adjudicated rapist...

Brainworms, Dead Puppies, and a Rapist Who Longs For Incest
Let’s address the elephant in the room. Obviously, all the RFK Jr. brainworm jokes were long gone hours before my Friday night posting time. I don’t have some awesome, worth-the-wait, totally original, unheard RFK Jr. brainworm joke for you. Apologies. For about ten...