American Madness Journal

Et Tu, Brady?
Spent another lovely week enjoying the various side effects of the coronavirus vaccine, stuff like “not catching Covid,” “not getting hospitalized with Covid,” and “not dying from Covid.” Like millions of rational people, my satisfaction level with this product is...

Oh, Y’know, Just a Death Cult Doin’ Death Cult Stuff
Well friends, things’re more or less exactly the same as when last we met, which is to say, grease-fire-in-the-bath-salts-factory-behind-the-clown-college-level insane. So grab a raincoat and some galoshes, let’s wade through this sewage together, wheeeeeeee! As a...

Show Me on the Doll Where Critical Race Theory Touched You
I don’t know about y’all, but the first post-Turd Reich Independence Day felt pretty dang sweet to this masked drunkard. The simple absence of cheap, banana republic military spectacles was a welcome departure, for a start. Ultimately, I suppose I prefer my assholes...

I Think Kevin McCarthy is a Robot Specifically Programmed to Execute Leadership Tasks Poorly
Things’re gettin’ pretty good these days, huh? Seems Joe Biden came here to create jobs and eat ice cream, and neither appear to be in short supply. Of course, the Gulf of Mexico is literally on fire as I write this, a grim reminder that you can’t take your eyes off...

Racism, Fascism, Conspiracy Theories, and COVID-19: Not a Rerun From 2020, I Swear
So, a few nights ago, I was on my way back to the fridge for another beer when I clipped my left foot on my workout machine, really jacked the fuck out of the big toenail, and for the first time since I started this blog, the biggest problem in my life had...

Wow, a Week When Marjorie Taylor Greene Wasn’t the Absolute Worst, How Novel
You’d think folks would be delighted at all the recent normalcy n’ prosperity n’ what have you, and yet millions (MILLIONS!) continue to screech NO! I WANT THE FUCKUPS WHO RUINED THE WHOLE WORLD BACK! Because they hate the same people, you see. With a decision-making...

Now That We Are Magnetized, My Antifa Comrades, the World Will Be Ours!
Addition by subtraction is REAL, y’all. Look at how much nicer life’s become with just ONE less cabal of fascist dipshits squatting in the White House. And as we keep on sliding down the path to reducing the supply of global pandemics, 2021 looks more and more like a...

QAnon, Zyklon B, and the Rest of the Wingnut Alphabet
Life ain’t bad these days, huh? Sun’s out, stuff’s opening back up, and if you don’t stand downwind, you’ll barely even notice the stench of fascism as it takes root on the American right. Still, before we embark on a richly-deserved weekend of sweet, sweet normalcy,...

The One With the Republican Party’s Hard Turn Against Democracy
Shots in arms. Money in pockets. Smilin’ Joe Biden’s approval rating holdin’ steady, even rising. Shit, if it wasn’t for all the crazed, violent white supremacists poppin’ up all over the place, we’d be on the brink of the best summer ever. Well, let’s chronicle this...

Ted Cruz’s Musings on Masculinity In the Military? Oh, My Wish Came True.
I am absolutely lovin’ vaccinated life, folks. I keep going back to the normalcy buffet for extra helpings...you’d think I’d be full to bursting by now, but it turns out I’m just insatiable for the stuff. So much nicer than 2020’s incessant shitstorm. What’s that?...

Gas-Hoarding, Protein-Shedding, and Other Uniquely American Mental Disorders
Friends, I am FULLY VACCINATED and living my best life, ushering in a bold new age of cancel culture in horse racing and shedding proteins all over every Real Murican I can find. Things’re so goshdarn shiny n’ happy these days, I can almost forget about the...

When Liz Cheney Isn’t Shitty Enough For Your Cult, You’ve Made Some Choices
Ah, the sun is shining, flowers have begun to bloom, and even now that second sweet dose o’ Pfizer rewrites my DNA in accordance with Bill Gates’ grand plan. Were it not for the GOP’s steady, methodical march towards authoritarianism, I might’ve burst into song by...

Lies, Damned Lies, and Lies About Beer Being Made From Meat
Republicans have yet to find a test of human decency too basic to enthusiastically fail, so ain’t it great they’re not in charge anymore? The news has two settings these days: Democrats fixing shit, and Republicans running around, screaming and rubbing poo all over...

Carlson, Lindell, Chauvin, and Other Bleached Buttholes of the White Nationalist American Right
Hard to believe that just one short year ago, the President of the United States stood amidst the wreckage of his catastrophic pandemic mismanagement, corpses piling higher by the hour, and told us everything would be okay if we all just injected a little bleach into...

It’s Choose Your Own Adventure, America: Infrastructure or White Nationalism?
Holy heck, y’all, since last we met, my right shoulder enjoyed a saucy tryst with dose one of the Pfizer vaccine, which immediately transformed this mild-mannered poo joke blogger into a legit super soldier, sporting exotic powers like Maybe Having a Meal in a...

Don’t Worry, Congressman Gaetz, You’ll Hit Rock Bottom at Some Point. Surely.
They laughed at Warren G. Harding, but he was light years ahead of his time with that return to normalcy shit. Returning to normalcy is pretty fucking great, in my opinion. The more normalcy I return to, the more I like it. Lately, I find I have even less tolerance...

I’m Sorry, the Line For the Matt Gaetz Dunk Tank Forms 674 Miles Down the Road
The news cycle continues its slowdown, and though these quieter days take some getting used to, the change is mostly welcome. Even so, it turns out that a focused, contained return to the batshittiest Trump-era scandal levels can be tolerable, even pleasant, at least...

Maybe Letting the White Supremacists Decide Who Gets to Vote Isn’t the Best Idea
Well, potty-mouthed masked bloggers aren’t quite eligible for vaccination in my neck of the woods yet, so I’m still trapped inside with nothin’ but the news to keep me company. Short version: the racist shitweasels recently removed from power for being racist...

Gosh, I Wonder If the Party Made Entirely of Hate-Mongers Has Anything To Do With All These Hate Crimes
Y’know, the new normal may not provide quite as much blog fodder, but it sure is easier on the ol’ mental health. The news cycle is all Democrats helping people, people lovin’ it, and Republicans freaking the fuck out because folks seem to prefer progressive policy...

Joe Biden’s Late-Term Abortion of Bipartisanship, & Other Tales of Terror
After a brutal quarantine winter, I’m sure you’ll agree this week’s thaw has been most welcome. Actually, I found something really weird out on the back porch, once all the ice and snow had melted away. I almost didn’t recognize it at first, but I think...

Shower Cap Will Return in (Insert Bond Reference)
Hello, friends! Hope you’re enjoying your woke beers and your heathen potato toys and watching your furry kids defecate in taxpayer-funded litter boxes at school. In short, I wish you all the bounties of our lord Dark Brandon’s satanic reign. Go ahead and...

Moses Supposes Erroneously (Yes, Again)
We’ve been living through the stubbornly persistent golden age of conservative bumblefuckery for some time now, but I predict Speaker Johnson’s work in the field will ultimately stand up alongside the greats. Brownback. McCarthy. Reeves. Perhaps even the Dotard...

If Moses Had Been This Bad at His Job, the Bible Would Be Shorter
What an asparagus fart of a news cycle, right? Republican special counsel delivers a sneak low blow to the job-creator guy, sending allllllllll the shitty little Cillizzas of the political media scurrying gleefully to and fro, to squawk their favorite squawk of all:...

Thirty Two Short Films About Hating Taylor Swift
Hey there, everybody. I know it’s been a bit of a week, and there’s a lot to get through, so if anyone needs to step outside to hate Taylor Swift for five minutes, I totally understand. Go for it. Don’tcha just HATE TAYLOR SWIFT? So much? Aren’t you literally...

So I Guess It’s Down to Nikki Haley and the Rapist
Aw, man, I thought he was gonna step on a few more rakes for us, just for old times’ sake, but perhaps there’s a limit to Ron DeSantis’ capacity for public humiliation after all. Either way, bowing to reality and his sphincter-mouthed orange God, young Ronward bent...