So you’re not a big fan of the white text on a black background look, huh?

PRO TIP for any future civilizations: when a pedophile happens along, what you want to do is promptly administer a cognitive test. If the pedophile describes the test as “difficult,” do not, repeat DO NOT place him in charge of your economy. Cuz it turns out, if you...

Well, I just got off the phone with my cable provider’s customer service department. They agreed that the three-hour cankle-fellating bacchanal was inappropriate for children, but there was nothing they could do because it was a Cabinet meeting. Now that dignity is...

  The nation is still reeling from the largest single-day reduction in international stature in American history, at what historians are already calling The Summit That Could’ve Been a Thirsty Instagram Comment. Of course all decent Americans get mad and appalled and...

Who can say for sure what’s true anymore, but I heard someplace that Stephen Miller eats only mayonnaise. And y’know what? I’m choosing to believe that. I think I’ve been exceptionally well-behaved during this decade-long assault on objective reality, and I’m entitled...

Well, my prayers to the God of Cankles have gone as yet unanswered, so I suppose we may as well chronicle the week’s fuckery. Might try escalating to ritual sacrifice, if I can think of something a cankle god would enjoy. Yeah, another week in our merry little...

Someday, when my grandchildren ask me, “Pop-Pop, what was the one precise moment you were proudest t’be an American?” I’ll get to tell them about the time our felonious rapist president flew himself to Scotland at taxpayer expense to get caught cheating at golf and...

When last we met, President Cankles P. Rapist once again found himself with his back against the wall as Career-Ending Scandal #4,893 closed in. Of course, we’ve seen this show so many times we just assumed the Roberts Court would legalize juvenile sex trafficking via...

Well, if you’ve come sniffing around this blog hoping for smug, salacious gossip about perverts in high places, I hope you’re ashamed of yourself. In this household, we honor our president’s wishes, especially the ones about ignoring his intimate friendship with the...

Well, I spent the week curled up snugly within my windmill house writing folk songs. Here’s what I came up with: In MacArthur Park they’re marching in the dark All those creepy ICE guys running ‘round Someone left our rights out in the rain Now that weirdo who bought...

Yyyyeah, the vibes’re pretty strange on this, objectively the least American July 4th celebration to date. And may we never top it. My god, they actually passed the fucking thing. The legislative process has been likened to sausage-making. This one was more like every...

I could almost enjoy the news if the bumbling Christopher Guest hucksters weren’t also playing the leads in the Tom Clancy thriller. Pie to the face, steps on a rake, stumbles around blind…it’s all very amusing till he feels his way to the big red launch button. I bet...

Lotta big milestones for ascendant American autocracy this week. Uniformed military in the streets, opposition politicians in handcuffs…they grow up so fast, don’t they? Suddenly we’ve got a chubby, fascist toddler running amok, and we never quite got around to...

Hello, friends. Hope you’re well. I am writing to you tonight from CECOT, having been deported for reposting chicken memes on social media. The delousings are a little more frequent than I’d like, but I got to meet Kristi Noem. I suppose it’s theoretically possible...

With the passage of the GOP’s reconciliation bill in jeopardy, House Republican deficit hawks held fast to their principles, ultimately resulting in fiscally responsible legislation that balances the budget for the first time in nearly…hang on, that’s not right. With...

The Turd Reich unveiled its new anti-terror initiative this week, a plan to bankrupt organizations like Hamas by diverting their funders’ budgets into bribes for rapist game show hosts. You have to feel bad for any NATO member nation that scrambled to dramatically...

Friends, I know things seem grim, but I think I’ve finally worked out a solution. All we need to do is convince the folks who created the very first cognitive test to replace the “is this a moo cow or a horsey?” section with a couple of questions about how tariffs...

I used to find the whole “first 100 days” thing kinda arbitrary, but that was back before I ever viewed a presidential term as something to be survived. Well, now that we mark the passage of time in terms of gulag avoidance milestones, we may as well celebrate, I...

So, they started selling Trump 2028 hats this week. Me, I might’ve held off on that particular assault on the constitutional order, for a moment less inundated with headlines about how everyone hates everything I’m doing, but then, I’ve never bankrupted a casino. Even...

You guys, it is so beautiful out today. One of the maybe three mathematically perfect spring days Chicago gets per year. Weather that cries out for day drinking. But alas, I must remain faithful to the vow I made to the original, Golden Age Shower Cap, when he...