American Madness Journal

  When Kickstarter backer Fran Scianna asked me to review his band’s song, my initial thought was that I have absolutely no qualifications to review music. Then I remembered I have absolutely no qualifications to talk about politics, either, so I figured I’d...

  “There’s no shortage of assholes,” my dad used to say, as a sort of catch-all explanation for the seemingly endless supply of irksome weirdos one collides with over the course of one’s life. And I think that holds up. There are certainly no kinks in the asshole...

  In many ways, the universe has been telling humanity the same story, over and over again, for at least half a decade now, and the moral of that story is that Nationalists Cannot Do One Fucking Thing Right, on account of the debilitating inefficiencies of their...

  A week without malignantly insane, world-wrecking assholes…that’s all I want. One little week. Wouldn’t that be nice? To just once click over to Ye Olde Shower Cappe Blog, braced for the expected litany of horrors, only to encounter a brief, “Well whaddya know,...

  If anybody had this week in the office pool as the one when the world’s many asshats would finally stop fucking more or less everything up, and let the rest of us just LIVE OUR FUCKING LIVES IN PEACE, you lost your fucking money, didn’tcha? Well, feel free to...

  Y’know, I’ve been writing these posts for five fucking years now. I’m just…I’m really, REALLY ready to live anywhere other than here, at this hellishly inescapable intersection of idiocy and indecency. Someplace with better restaurants and fewer violently angry...

  I feel like “don’t put assholes in charge” is probably the single clearest lesson of human history, and yet here we are again, dealing with the inevitable, catastrophic consequences of Putting Assholes in Charge. At the risk of upending an already contentious...

  “Concise” isn’t really the house style here, but if I had to boil this blog down to something like a mission statement, it might go, “the authoritarian Right, because of their bottomless stupidity and nigh-incomprehensible malice, should not be in charge,”and I...

  See, this is why you don’t let narcissistic assholes run counties. Because countries come with armies. We should have known, I suppose, that even war would find a way to be dumber in this age of fuckheads run amuck, but my God, it’s soul-crushing, how stupid...

  Y’know, my greatest hope is that the need for this blog will fade with time, that the madness dies down, and the billions of humans who just want to get through this damn life with minimal bullshit will no longer be subject to the insane whims of the shittiest...

 Didja see where CNN hired George Orwell’s Force Ghost as an on-air contributor? You’d think he’d have tons of useful insight to offer, but he mostly just yells, “I fucking TOLD you! Why didn’t anyone fucking LISTEN?” and cries. Which, looking at the news, I totally...

  Every night-before-blog-night, I secretly hope this is finally the day I wake up next to Bob Newhart, eager to share all the insane details of the crazy dream I just had, but no such luck this week. Oh well, guess I better prepare for Operation Jade Helm III:...

 Y’know, the way I sorta judge how things’re going in this country boils down to, “is there more Nazi shit going on than last week, or less?” and I tell you, folks, since that fateful escalator ride what seems like a fucking century ago, the answer hasn’t been “less”...

 Look you guys, our Republican brothers and sisters just want to burn books, disenfranchise minorities, roll back women’s rights and LGBTQ rights, gun political opponents down in the streets, and make it illegal to bruise their fragile fee-fees by suggesting any of...

 It’s been one of those fuck-you-for-living-here winter weeks in Chicago, and since Omicron hasn’t quite moved on, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to crawl under some fluffy-ass blankets, and experiment with hot cocktails. Despite such lovely intentions,...

 A year after the Stoopid Coup, Trumpism has congealed into its current, chewed gum-like state; an amorphous wad of god-knows-what unnatural toxins, which we can no longer seem to avoid, on our casual strolls down democracy’s sidewalks, or our absentminded probings of...

 I never know what to get anyone for insurrection anniversaries. I imagine the Senate Republican Conference is already up to its collective jowlsy gullet in pocket Constitutions, which doubtless remain unread anyway. Maybe just a picture frame? I can think of a few...

 As you’re putting the finishing touches on your New Year’s plans, don’t forget: it’s not enough to merely drive a stake through 2021’s heart; you need to cut the bastard’s head off, burn everything, and scatter the ashes separately, or you’re gonna wind up with...

 So certain is Santa’s naughty verdict, I doubt America even bothered leaving a stocking out this year. Though down in Texas, under Greg Abbott’s Freedom Grid, I’m told they frankly could use the coal. Yes, I offer season’s greetings from 21st-century America, a...

 I’ve decided to adjust my attitude about this whole Fall-of-Rome thing we’ve got going on in America; I’m just gonna rub it in young folks’ faces, all the rights and privileges I had when I was their age. “Oh yeah, it was fuckin’ fantastic, you could tell the truth...

I write to you tonight from war-torn Chicago, where busloads of Antifas have run amok, smashing our deep-dish pizzas into that flat, flaccid shit they sell in New York. Luckily, heroic agents of ICE have been firing pepperoni balls at the traumatized populace,...

Friends, I confess it’s increasingly challenging to chronicle current events with anything resembling humor. Ummmm…why don’t we try, like, “How many state-sanctioned Proud Boys does it take to zip-tie a bunch of children in the dead of the night?” 300, GIVE OR TAKE,...

Must be exceptionally frustrating for the aspiring autocrat to finally, finally arrive at that Reichstag Fire moment he’s sought for so long only to realize his tiny fingers are too stunted and ineffectual to strike a match. I can only imagine the jeering of the other...

I hope you can forgive me for interrupting your state-mandated grieving period for Saint Charlie the Not at All Racist Outside of the Odd Replacement Theory, but I find myself compelled to take my First Amendment rights out for a leisurely stroll tonight, for reasons...

Well, of the 417 weeks I’ve been operating this blog site, this was surely the healthiest one yet, political culture-wise. Sooooooooo…you’re here for jokes, and I’ll do my best, but it’s definitely a bit of a ”But doctor...I am Pagliacci” mood around here. I’ve been...