American Madness Journal
Friends, I know the news batters us relentlessly these days, like a tornado in a hammer factory, but things aren't all bad! Why, Senator Angus King has successfully procured the lobster emoji his home state of Maine has long desired! WE'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT! First of...read more
The weekend was relatively quiet, so you sort of expected the calm wouldn't last. It didn't. So open a bag of new Crunchless Doritos For Her, pour yourself a glass of Hush, the Menfolk Are Talking brand boxed wine, and strap yourself in for the Monday Nite Madness...read more
I don't know how much more of this shit I can take, Resisters. I ate my therapy peacock three hours ago and now I'm picking my teeth with her last tail feather. "Oh, it can't be that bad, Cap. You're exaggerating, Cap. Let's poke around a bit, it'll calm you down."...read more
Well, looks like Tom Hanks will be playing Mr. Rogers in a forthcoming biopic, and if that isn't the most heartwarming thing I've heard in months, I don't know what is. Cling to that image, of Tom Hanks warmly intoning, "Won't you be my neighbor?" because the rest of...read more
Well, the Velveeta Vulgarian is out of the country for a bit. Less welcome at home than a wolverine with diarrhea, the President took his Desperate Need For Approval Since Daddy Never Loved Me Tour to Davos, hoping the world's financial elite would finally be...read more
Hey Donnie, Maybe Bob Mueller is YOUR Soulmate! Or, Never Throw the Talking Stick Near the Glass Elephant!
Hey, let's start with some good news for a change! Tammy Duckworth is pregnant with her second child and will be the first United States Senator in history to give birth while in office! Congratulations, Senator Duckworth! Cling to that warm fuzzy feeling, because...read more
Shutdown! Things’ll be Great When You’re Shutdown! No Finer Place for Sure! Shutdown! Everything’s Waiting For You!
Gotta admit, I'm kinda pissed, Resisters. I was supposed to go to a 9-dollar-per-plate Boston Market dinner last night, but noooooooooooo! A certain spray-tanned, sphincter-faced assclown had to shut down the government! Maybe all of Washington is ineptly bumbling...read more
Hey folks...just hanging around, waiting for the government to shut down, with a snifter full of laudanum and a box of Target wine, thought I'd see if you wanted to give the week's madness a once-over. Let's start with a little good gnus. Team Blue flipped a ruby red...read more
With the three-day weekend, surely the madness slowed down, if only a bit, right? No? Fuck. Fine. Sprinkle some bath salts on your Tide Pods, and let's wade through the muck. I have to admit I'm impressed with the legs on ShitholeGate*. We've grown accustomed to...read more
See the Contortionist GOP Defend Their Racist Ringmaster! Watch the Clowns Hilariously Fail to Work the Phones! It’s a CIRCUS OF NEWS!
Hey there, Resisters. Just another quiet, Rockwell-esque weekend, as Americans gathered 'round the dinner table to talk about what a racist piece of trash our President is, unless of course they were cowering in the family fallout shelter. Let's round up the madness,...read more
Even by our current Cuckoo's Nest standards, this has been an unusually nutty week, right? My news feed has been like a meth lab full of howler monkeys. This one's gonna take a while, so let's dive right in... So, a number of Congressional Republicans, in partnership...read more
Hey everybody! How're you enjoying 2018 so far? The national debate about whether or not the President of the United States is an unhinged man-child who could plunge the planet into nuclear war over a twitter insult sure is fun and relaxing, isn't it? It's like living...read more
Hey folks, Shower Cap got hit with the flu, so I've spent most of the time since our last update giving offerings to the Porcelain God. Anyway, it's only been a couple of days, I couldn't have missed much, right? ...never mind. Ok, folks. Strap on your hazmat suit,...read more
New Year’s Insanity Round-Up: Somebody Tell Rubio He’s a Senator, Plus Get Ready to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!
Well, we finally dragged 2017, raving, syphilitic, and oozing pus, out behind the shed and gave it two right between the eyes. Suck it, Old Yeller. And Baby 2018, perhaps still blissfully unaware of what's in store for it, gurgles, smiles, and shits its pants. Let's...read more
Your Late Xmas Gift, the Chance to Laugh at Moore, Haley, Milo, Huckabee, Hatch, & All the Other Clowns
Hello, Resisters! I hope whatever holidays you celebrate and/or are at war with treated you well. Me, I got a stocking full of BAT SHIT. Let's starting diggin' through it. Everyone laughed at Albino Prune Orrin Hatch when he proudly accepted the prestigious "Utahn of...read more
The weather outside is frightful. And SO IS THE FUCKING NEWS! You thought you were getting carols? We're fresh outta carols. What we have is MADNESS, and we've got it oozing from every orifice. Sing about THAT. How are you celebrating the holiday season, Resisters?...read more
Congratulate the GOP on their Tax Bill, The Pyrrhicest Victory of All Time. Also, “Pyrrhicest” is a Word Now
I think the nonstop insanity of 2017 has finally entirely overwhelmed the GOP. Having passed a universally-despised bill that will certainly destroy their congressional majorities in 11 short months, these delusional old men are partying like it's 1899, and they're...read more
Robo-Trump Debuts, Corker Kicks Back at the #CorkerKickback, Jill Stein’s Turn at Last, & Other News
Well, Resisters, I received a list of banned words and phrases from the Drumpf Administration, that I'm no longer allowed to use here in my humble little corner of the internet. Stuff like "science-based," "Roy Moore is a child molester who was banned from the mall,"...read more
I know I say that Shit Be Cray all the time, but I ask you...with a historically unpopular GOP on the brink of passing a historically unpopular tax bill on behalf of a so-historically-unpopular-we'd-rather-have-Ebola President, can you honestly claim we're living in...read more
With Moore Gone, Can We Have ONE DAY Without Republican Pervert News? Blake Farenthold Says NOT TODAY!
It is a goddamn miracle I sobered up from my Holy Shit AlaFuckingBama Elected a Democrat to the Senate festivities. Since then I have subsisted entirely on think pieces about What a Comical Fuckup Steve Bannon is for Losing Diet Klansman Jefferson Beauregard Sessions...read more
Ebola’s Back, Drumpf’s Trading American Foreign Policy for Chinese Cash, and Somehow Ice Cube is Mixed up in this Shit Now. Wait, WHAT?
I remember being a kid, going on camping trips...we'd gather around the fire, make s'mores and tell scary stories. Maybe the 2018 equivalent would keep the campfire, but we'd read the news to each other and drink till we passed out and had nightmares about a giant...read more
Ah, another day trapped in the crappiest fun house ever. The Skee-Ball machine is broken, the mirrors make my hands tiny and my ass huge, and somebody left the clowns in charge. Well, the Marmalade Shartcannon finally backed out of the Iran nuclear deal, TAKE THAT...read more
Some days, when I wrap up the ol’ Poo Joke Blog, I look over the work and say “Well done, Cap. You've earned your brew tonight.” Others...I step back, look at the thirty-foot-high wall of fresh scum that's accumulated on my beautiful country over just a few short days...read more
Just when you think shit can't get any crazier, enter Rudy Giuliani. Like you're making soup out of cat food, used toothbrushes, and broken glass, and you decide something's missing so you add a whole bunch of meth. Fuck it, let's get through this before I pass out....read more
Hey there, Shower Captives! I'm in like, Day 10 of the cold I picked up while moving, and I don't even have a personal Ronny Jackson to use my illness as an excuse to hook me up with hallucinogens, so I'm mostly just cranky. ...maybe the news will cheer me up. Boy, we...read more